


Beautiful, Broken Things

by Tyranasaurus_lex



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Callum Needs a Hug, Dildos, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, Phil Mitchell is a terrible father, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Sex Toys, Smut, ben needs a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:21:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 96,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22655407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyranasaurus_lex/pseuds/Tyranasaurus_lex
Summary: Stella. His mothers “death”. Heather. Phil. Paul. Ben’s never dealt with any of it but thats ok; he’s coping just fine. Until one day he’s not and Ben finds himself spiralling further and further down into a dark pit of madness that only Callum seems able to pull him out of.Chapter 8: ... I Saw FallCallum’s PTSD rears its ugly head, leaving a rapidly spiralling Ben at odds with Kathy, Louise and Stuart in his efforts to help him.
Relationships: Ballum - Relationship, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 115
Kudos: 230





	1. The Way You Look Tonight

_"Some day, when I'm awfully low, And the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, And the way you look tonight"_

“BEN! TURN THAT RUBBISH OFF AND HURRY UP!” Ian shouted as he pounded on the door to the bathroom, “I’VE GOT A  _ VERY _ IMPORTANT MEETING TO GET TO AND  _ YOU _ ARE MAKING  _ ME _ LATE!”

Rolling his eyes Ben ignored his brother and continued to hum along to the Oliver! Soundtrack that was currently blasting out of his iPhone; Ian had  _ no _ taste when it came to music. Having the bathroom all to himself was something of a novelty, even with the incessant knocking, and Ben intended to make the most of it and he fiddled with his hair a bit more in the mirror. Lexi was staying at Grandad Billy’s for the night so tonight was date night and Ben was looking forward to getting royally fucked by Callum later on. However, before all that, they were going out to Walford East for a bit of dinner because if there was one thing Ben loved almost as much as sex, it was food. Callum’s cheffing abilities had turned out to be a godsend and Ben had found himself being well fed and well fucked better than he had in his whole life. Lola kept teasing him he was going to get fat but ben would happily run a few extra miles around the square if meant Callum continued to feed him and tell him he was pretty. A small mark on his neck where Callum had bitten him during a rather intense make-out session back at the car lot peaked through the collar of his shirt and Ben couldn’t help but rub his fingers over it. 

“I KNOW YOU’RE JUST DOING THIS TO ANNOY ME!!” Ian yelled; rattling the door handle once again and rudely interrupting Ben’s daydream about Callum’s lovely cock and what he was going to do with it later on tonight. 

The last time Ben had stayed over at Callum’s things had gotten hot and heavy pretty quickly over the kitchen countertop and had been about to fuck only to realise that they’d somehow run out of condoms. They’d then bickered back and forth for twenty minutes about whose fault it was until Ben came up with an alternative suggestion about what they could do, only for Stuart to come stumbling home drunk from the Vic. Not wanting a repeat of  _ that _ scenario, Ben quickly fired off a text to his boyfriend before splashing on some of the aftershave he knew was Callum’s favourite on him. 

** Can’t wait to see you later **

** Make sure you have condoms **

** And lube **

** x **

Ian was still hammering on the door, shouting something about some councilwoman he wanted to make his sixth wife, but Ben was too busy checking his appearance in the mirror to pay much attention. Just thinking about Callum was making him horny and he was seriously considering cancelling their dinner reservations so they could spend the evening in bed when a text pinged through on his phone. Grinning like an idiot, Ben snatched up his phone expecting to see a reply from Callum only for his stomach to drop when he saw it was a text from his dad.

** CAR NEEDS PICKING UP FROM WATFORD.CUT AND SHUT JOB. **

A dull ache began to form in the base of his skull as Ben read over the message once more; his stomach twisting around in knots as he tried to think of a way out of this. The main problem was that Phil hadn’t exactly listened the first time around when Ben had told him that he’s was done doing all the dodgy stuff and trying to be a better person for Lexi and the rest of his family.

“Don’t be an idiot,” he’d scoffed when Ben had explained about wanting to go legit, he hadn’t dared mention Callum’s police aspirations, when Phil had come round to the Arches to give him back the account books before walking off and leaving Ben red-faced and embarrassed. 

Stupidly he’d thought that that would be the end of it and he could go and live a crime-free life with Callum but it quickly became obvious that Phil wasn’t going to let him out of the family business that easily. The first round of dodgy motors that had been sent his way he’d managed to wriggle out of by saying the car lot was full and offering them to a different dealer. He hadn’t  _ technically _ been lying to Callum but the subterfuge had weighed heavily on his mind for weeks to the point where he’d struggled to sleep. Thankfully his dad had left him alone after that; too preoccupied with whatever he had going on in Spain to be greatly bothered with what Ben was up too as usual. Tubbs had tried to get him in on a job but Ben had remained firm and refused any involvement and found that he felt rather proud of himself which was something that never happened. Everything was going great but as usual Ben’s happiness didn’t last long because as soon as Phil was back in the country he was funnelling cash through the Arches, making Keanu fix up “new” motors and even trying to muscle in on car lot. 

Trying to please his father and keep on the strait and narrow for Callum had resulted in an almost permanent headache that had steadily gotten worse and worse to the point where Ben thought his head was going to split in two. There was also the ever-present knot of anxiety in his stomach that was just  _ waiting _ for the moment when Phil found out his son was dating a would-be-policeman. It kept him awake at night worrying that his dad would do something awful to Callum and Ben had already created about twenty different scenarios in his head to prevent this from happening. Mostly this involved keeping the pair of them separated at all costs, even when Callum naively suggested inviting his dad and Sharon over for dinner. 

“Dad doesn’t really do dinner,” Ben had lied; as if Phil survived on the blood of his enemies and ill will alone, “And Sharon is pregnant so…”

_ Technically _ he wasn’t doing anything wrong because he was only lying to keep Callum safe but even that didn’t make him feel any better and only really served to make his headache even worse. None of this he’d mentioned to Callum; not even when his boyfriend kept asking him if he was ok after Ben had kicked him relentlessly in his sleep. He must have said “I’m fine” about a hundred times over the past week alone and he was quickly running out of excuses as to why he looked permanently tired all the time. Tonight was going to be all about Callum though and Ben intended to make his boyfriend forget about how weird he’d been acting over the past few weeks one way or another. 

“BEN GET OUT!!” Ian screamed; sounding like he was attempting to break down the door only to be told off by Kathy for disrupting her “me time”.

Ben couldn’t help but laugh as he heard his mum lay into Ian about how selfish he was being for not letting his little bother to use the bathroom in peace and how his yelling was drowning out “one of the greatest musical soundtracks of all time”. Amongst the disruption, his phone pinged again and Ben looked down with trepidation; relieved to find that it was a picture message from Callum showing two variety boxes of condoms and the good lube that Ben liked, none of that cheap stuff, with a bunch heart emojis and kisses. Grinning, he shoved all thoughts of his father to the back of his mind and pulled the bathroom door open only to be faced with a disgruntled looking Ian. 

“ _ Finally _ !” he scolded and then went on a massive rant about implementing a bathroom timetable and “proper use of the facilities” like Ben was living in a hotel or something. Nodding in agreement, Ben kept Ian distracted long enough so he wouldn’t notice Bobby sneaking past him on his way to the shower; towel in hand 

“Dually noted bruv,” Ben replied with a smirk just as the bathroom door clicked shut and Ian whirled around.

“BOBBY!!” he shouted as he pounded on the door once more, “BOBBY YOU BETTER NOT BE GETTING IN THAT SHOWER!!”

“I’M GOING TO THE MOSQUE,” Bobby called back over the sound of the shower water running, “I NEED TO BE CLEAN; IT’S IN QURAN!”

Laughing wickedly Ben left them to it and headed down the stairs to find his mum busy in the kitchen rustling up what looked like a ten-course meal, despite their only being three people in for tea.

“Ohhh you look nice,” she cooed; giving him the once over before she began setting the table for dinner, “You off out love?”

“I’m meeting Callum for dinner,” Ben informed her as he pulled his coat on and gave her a quick kiss goodbye, “Don’t wait up.”

“Aww, have a nice time; I’ll save you some crumble just in case,” she said as she gestured to the massive apple crumble that was cooling on the side alongside a giant jug of custard “And bring Callum round for Sunday dinner!” 

“Yes, mum!” Ben called out to her as he shut the back door behind him and headed out onto the rapidly darkening street. It was a little chilly out and Ben thrust his hands deep into his coat pockets as he turned in the opposite direction of the Funeral Parlour. Like a coward, he had chosen to go the long way round to avoid walking past his dad's house and risk bumping into him. A tall, balding man loomed up at him from the darkness of the alleyway and Ben almost had a heart attack before he realised it was just one of the market traders packing his stall up. Having a barney in the middle of the street with his old man was not on his list of things to do tonight; especially when the promise of sex hung heavy in the air. Shaking himself mentally Ben tried to ignore the gnawing feeling at the back of his head that kept telling him that ignoring Phil was a very bad idea and kept on walking. Like a knight in shining armour, Callum was already waiting for him outside on the doorstep and Ben felt his face split into a big wide smile as soon as he spotted his boyfriend. 

“Hey!” Callum said excitedly when he caught sight of Ben walking over to him, “You ok? You look great!”

Much like Lexi, Callum had the unique ability to make Ben feel instantly happy whenever he was around him and the constant black cloud of negative thoughts didn’t seem to hang so heavy over him. He just felt like a much better person now he was with Callum and most importantly, he didn’t have to hide behind the mask of being a “Mitchell”. 

“Yeah, I missed you though,” Ben told him even though it had been less than twenty-four hours since they last saw each other and he’d spoken to Callum three times on the phone during that time.

“Me too,” Callum said softly and he pulled Ben towards him for a soft kiss. 

It was supposed to be just a quick peck hello but Ben hadn’t seen him in fourteen hours and was feeling rather needy after all the crap with his dad so he pressed in closer and deepened the kiss. Luckily Callum had missed him just as much because Ben suddenly found himself being pushed up against the doorway; his massive hands cupping Ben’s face whilst they kissed passionately. Dinner didn’t seem all that appealing now and Ben slid his hands down Callum’s back and gave his arse a firm squeeze which earned him a soft moan of approval. Callum had the  _ best  _ bum, peachy some might say, and Ben made a point to tell him this as often as he could. Long fingers were rubbing across his cheekbones, then down to his neck and Ben groaned low in his throat as he pulled Callum even closer by wrapping his arms around his neck.

“OI! ALLEY CATS!” someone shouted and they reluctantly broke apart to find Shirley smirking at them from across the square, “Ain’t you two got a house to do that in?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never done it Al Fresco, Shirl!” Ben called back with a grin; ignoring Callum’s repeated attempts to try to shush him.

“Yeah; go ask your dad!” she shouted before turning on her heel to head into the pub and leaving Ben with a rather grim mental image. 

“Gross,” he muttered as he tried not to think about his dad and Shirley, or any woman for that matter, doing anything other than holding hands. 

Meanwhile, Callum had gone scarlet in the face which Ben found hilarious considering how many times Stuart had barged in on them when they’d been doing a lot more than kissing. 

“Come on,” he said as he reluctantly pulled away from Callum, “If we’re don’t hurry up Ian will try and charge us late fees again.” 

“Sure, just let me lock up,” Callum told him as he fished his keys out of his pocket and began locking the front door to the flat. Meanwhile, Ben’s phone had gone off again and he risked taking a look only to find another message from his dad.

** MAKE SURE NOBODY SEES YOU **

Ignoring his dad was never a good idea but Ben wasn’t about to let him spoil his evening with Callum; he’d worked so hard to prove himself these last few weeks and he wasn’t about to mess it all up for some dodgy car. It had almost been a relief when Callum overheard him talking to Martin and Tubbs and the whole extent of Ben’s criminal dealings had been dragged forcibly into the light. They’d had a massive row about it back at the flat, or rather Callum had shouted, and Ben had buckled under the pressure of trying to keep everything under control and burst into tears. He’d told Callum everything; the stolen cars, the money lending and even the bit where he’d dangled Martin off the bridge and threatened his kids. It had all just come pouring out and it wasn’t even as if Callum was forcing a confession out of him either. Ben had  _ wanted _ to tell him. 

“I know I went too far,” he’d sobbed as he’d wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve, “But I couldn’t stop myself and then dad wasn’t talking to me…”

Callum was understandably horrified and Ben could still remember that horrible sick feeling of dread as he waited for the inevitable part where their relationship came to an abrupt end but to Ben’s great shock that hadn’t happened. Instead of dumping him, Callum had sat down on the sofa and ordered Ben to do the same. He’d been almost hysterical by this point; his breath had come out in great gulps and tremors shook his whole body as he tried to explain himself. 

“Hekepttalkingaboutthebridgeandthenthatmademethinkofherandwhatshewasdoingandhowdaddidn’tbelieveme,” he’d chocked, forgetting that Callum didn’t know anything about what he’d been through as a child, “And I just wanted to hurt him like I was hurting.”

“What bridge? Whose her?” Callum had asked when he’d taken hold of Ben’s hands to stop them from shaking, “What are you talking about?”

Ben had worked very hard over the years to pretend like Stella hadn’t even existed which wasn’t exactly hard to do considering that’s what everyone else in his life did as well. Callum had been waiting for an answer though but when it came down to it, the thought of even saying her name out loud made Ben feel physically sick. Somehow Callum seemed to register that Ben was struggling and he’d been very kind, far kinder than Ben had deserved, and he’d said all the right things so that Ben eventually managed to calm himself down and try and talk to him. There was no excuse for his behaviour so in the end, Ben had recounted as best he could about what Martin had done to him as a child without having to bring  _ her  _ up, and that he would never have really hurt those kids, but he was upset at being taunted once again and he’d lashed out. Callum had listened quietly until Ben had got every last little bit out and then he’d gotten Ben a glass of water and some tissues. 

“Come here,” he said and he wrapped Ben up in his big, long arms and kissed him on the forehead like he was a lost little boy. 

This type of reaction to something he’d done wrong was completely foreign to Ben and he hadn’t quite known what to do with himself. Usually, he was either getting hit or screamed at by Phil or whoever else he’d managed too upset. The horrible part of his brain was still waiting for Callum to do one or both of those things whilst the other part was desperately clinging onto the feeling of safety his boyfriend always provided. Eventually, though the jumble of thoughts inside his head had become too confusing and Ben had pulled away under the guise of taking a drink of water. 

“No more secrets, no more lies,” Callum had told him and Ben had nodded vigorously, “This ends now because you are better than this Ben; why can’t you see that?”

“I promise,” he’d said, “I’ll stop everything and from now on everything will be legit.”

Ben had meant it and he’d been on his best behaviour ever since, even if it meant ignoring his dad's insistent demands that he go and pick up a stolen car for Watford. He’d be paying for that decision later on no doubt but when Callum caught hold of his hand and beamed at him Ben couldn’t think of anything else other than his sweet and gentle boyfriend. They walked to Walford East hand in hand and Callum filled Ben in on the latest goings-on at the funeral parlour and Ben told him all about Lexi’s latest obsession with a screaming teenage girl who had a giant bow glued to her ponytail twenty-four seven.

“I thought it was princess’s she was into?” Callum asked as he pulled the door to the restaurant open, “And all that Disney stuff?”

“Oh, princess’s are still number one,” Ben informed him with a laugh as he headed into the restaurant, “That and Little Mix of course.”

Habiba gave them a quick wave to signal she’d be with them in a second so Ben took the opportunity to sneak a look at his phone which had been buzzing in his pocket whilst Callum was preoccupied with the specials board.

** BUYER COMING AT 8:30 TOMORROW. **

Shoving his phone away Ben instinctively began chewing on his fingers, a nervous habit he’d had since childhood, as he tried to figure a way out of this so that he wouldn’t let Callum down and please his father all at the same time. Even with his brain working overtime Ben couldn’t think of anything aside from either abandoning his date or continuing to ignore his father and face the consequences later. There was no way he was running out on Callum so he decided the latter would have to do for now and his head was already beginning to pound again. Trying to be two different people, the hard-faced Mitchell Jr and then big softie that loved musicals was becoming harder and harder these days and sometimes Ben didn’t even feel like  _ he  _ even knew who he was anymore. 

“You alright?” Callum asked him as he came up beside Ben and rubbed the small of his back, “You’ve gone a funny colour…”

“Just a bit hot,” Ben mumbled; feeling guilty all over again when Callum immediately began helping him out of his coat. 

“There you go,” Callum said with a smile as he slung both their coats over the crook of his arm, “Don’t want you getting sick babe.”

Guilt churned around in Ben’s stomach because he didn’t deserve this nice, kind man who always treated him with such gentleness and respect. Sometimes he almost wished that Callum would get mad at him and hit him because that was was what Ben was ultimately used to before he realised how insane that sounded; Callum would  _ never  _ hurt him. The past few weeks were beginning to pile up on top of him and now his phone was buzzing again, his head was aching and Ben suddenly found he couldn’t keep a hold of himself any longer.

“Callum I -” he began but before he could get any further, Habiba came striding over to them with a set of menus.

“Evening gentlemen. Awww is it date night?” She asked as she took their coats with a big welcoming smile, “You two are so cute!”

Callum beamed at her and nodded whilst Ben remained silent but couldn’t help be more than a little pleased that Callum was  _ his _ boyfriend and nobody else’s. He wouldn’t be for much longer though if he found out about Phil and the stolen cars so Ben quickly shut his mouth. Catching hold of Callum’s hand, he threaded their fingers together earning him another sappy grin from his boyfriend and Ben couldn’t help but grin back. 

“I saved you the best table,” Habiba told them as she led them to table that was in the more secluded part of the restaurant, “Just give me a shout when you’re ready to order.”

Callum kissed him on the cheek and then held his hand as they followed on after Habiba; his thumb stroking soft circles across Ben’s wrist. Ben had been very unhappy for a very long time and it was only Lexi that had kept him going this long but then he’d met Callum and the vast chasm of darkness that sometimes threatened to overwhelm him had lessened somewhat. With Callum, he didn’t feel stupid, unwanted or unloved and it had taken him a while to get used to actually liking himself again. Callum was like a shining beacon in the darkness’s and Ben was constantly afraid he was going to do something stupid that threatened to put that light out. 

“I think your phones ringing babe,” Callum told him as they sat down in their seats, “I left mine back at the flat to charge it and it’s only you that rings me anyway!”

“Oh,” was all Ben said because he knew full well that it was going to be his dad calling to shout at him but he pulled out his phone regardless on the off chance that it was Lola calling about Lexi.

** INCOMING CALL: DAD MOBILE  **

** INCOMING CALL: DAD MOBILE **

** INCOMING CALL: DAD MOBILE **

“It’s nothing,” he lied smoothly when Callum asked him who it was, “Just some cold caller I expect.”

Satisfied, Callum went back to looking at the menu and Ben rubbed the side of his head as the thumping headache he thought he’d gotten rid of started to return. Then, just as he was putting his phone away, yet another message popped through Ben couldn’t stop himself from looking at it. 

** ANSWER YOUR PHONE YOU LAZY LITTLE TOERAG! **

It was only a mild threat but going by past experiences they were only going to get worse; Phil knew  _ exactly _ which buttons to push and he’d keep pushing until he found the one that stuck and Ben folded like a pack of playing cards. The only saving grace was that Phil didn’t care enough about Ben too actually come looking for him so he decided that he was safe in his boyfriend bubble for a little while longer.

“I thought I’d go speak to Jack about joining up for the police,” Callum was telling him and Ben’s heart sank a little though mostly at himself for secretly hoping that Callum would lose interest in becoming a copper, “Then I can get started on my application.”

“That’s great babe,” Ben said; hating himself that he couldn’t feel more enthusiastic about Callum’s new career development. 

If truth be told Callum’s desire to join the police force had dredged up some very unhappy memories for Ben, ones that he long since thought were buried, and he’d found himself having terrible nightmares. Mostly it was things like the police smashing the door down after deciding he hadn’t spent long enough in prison and dragging him out of the house in front of a screaming Lexi. The worst one and the one he’d been having most frequently was that he was locked in a cell that kept getting smaller and smaller until the walls started to crush him and he  _ begged _ for someone to let him out. Ever since he’s been locked in a haunted hall of mirrors by  _ her  _ Ben had had a problem with small spaces and it had only gotten worse when he’d been locked up. Now he was dreaming about them as well but Ben hadn’t wanted to bother Calum with any of this but that proved difficult when he’d slept over and woken both Callum and his idiot brother up by screaming the place down. Then, in what seemed to be an occurring theme with him lately, Ben had immediately started crying even though he’d desperately tried not too whilst Callum had asked him over and over again what was wrong. It was completely humiliating but somehow he’d managed to fob Callum off with a vague story about a horror film he’d watched and had avoided talking about it ever since.

“I just can’t wait to actually get started,” Callum beamed as he looked down at the menu even though Ben already knew he was going to go for the fish and chips, “You know; really start helping people. Oh look they’ve got posh fish and chips tonight!”

Privately Ben thought that Callum had a very romanticised view of the police force and he wasn’t just saying that because he was a Mitchell. They only seemed to come calling when there was a chance to arrest someone in the family, usually his dad, but where were they when Ben had been a frighted little kid and his dad was drunk and throwing bottles at his head? What about when Phil had been shooting up in a crack den or when he’d lashed out at him, Sharon or Jay? They’d been nowhere to be seen than even though Ben  _ knew  _ that more than one of their neighbours had called the police when the shouting had got loud enough to be an inconvenience but, again, that was left for Ben to deal with. At one point Ben had even been close to calling them himself and begging them to take his father away because it had felt like he was _ suffocating _ as he struggled with hating his father for what he was doing to the family but also not wanting him to die. The prison guards had been even worse; turning a blind eye when Ben had been getting his head kicked in on the regular. 

“That's what you get when you’re a nasty little murderer,” one of them had spat when Ben had been laying in a battered and bruised heap on the floor crying. 

He’d thought all of that was in the past, that he’d finally escaped, but then Callum had gone and decided he wanted to give up the funeral parlour and join the Old Bill. Admittedly Ben had freaked out at first, more so because he was terrified of what his dad was going to say, but he was slowly getting his head around it; at least Callum would look good in the uniform.

“What you having?” Callum asked him as he drummed his fingers against the table and Ben was dragged away from all the unpleasant memories that kept threatening to spill out of his head, “They’ve got steak if you fancy it or that spicy chicken thing you like.”

“On the house but don’t tell Ian,” Habiba whispered when she came back to take their order and set down two glasses of champagne in front of them, “Enjoy!”

Ben wasn’t feeling all that hungry anymore but he ordered the steak anyway whilst Callum predictably went with the fish and chips. It was nice just being in each others company and doing normal things like having a romantic meal together but then Ben made a joke about how someone with a professional career like Callum wouldn’t be seen dead with a lowly car salesman and they got back onto the topic of Ben’s “career goals.”

“You can do anything you want to babe,” Callum told him and Ben smiled sadly at him; he wished he had Callum’s optimism. 

A used car salesman was all he was ever going to amount too and hopefully, that was going to be enough for Callum when he was flying high with all his detective buddies and their fancy university degrees. Sensing they were about to move onto the topic of Ben going back to school, something which Callum thought would be good for him for some reason, and he really didn’t have the energy for all that. 

“Drink up,” he insisted; cutting across Callum’s insistence that just because he took his GCSE’s in prison that doesn’t mean they didn’t count, “Or Ian will try and charge us.”

The conversation moved onto other things after that, mainly the pair of them gossiping about Max and Rubys weird relationship, and Ben began to feel a lot more at ease or he was until his phone started going off in his pocket again. 

“Back in a sec,” Callum told him and headed off in the direction of the toilet which left Ben free to check his phone without distraction.

** INCOMING CALL: DAD MOBILE  **

** INCOMING CALL: DAD MOBILE  **

** I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY DEAF IN ONE EAR? CALL ME BACK NOW! **

It felt like an elastic band had been wrapped around his ribcage and Ben almost wanted to scream in frustration; it wasn’t his fault he’d lost his hearing! Just like being gay wasn’t his fault either but that never seemed to matter because there was always  _ something  _ about him that was wrong or not right and -

“Ben? You all right? You’ve gone all white again.” It was Callum back from the toilet and it was only then that Ben realised his hands were balled up into fists; his fingernails digging deep into the palm of his hands. 

“Huh? Yeah,” he muttered as the walls came up and he forced his face into a neutral expression, “Yeah I’m fine… it’s just hot in here.” 

“You sure? Cus we can go home if you’re not feeling well.” His eyes were full of concern and Ben found he had to look away because he didn’t deserve this kind of care and attention, especially not from Callum. 

“I’m fine Cal,” he insisted and he smiled up at his boyfriend who was still looking a little worried, “Besides, it’s date night, isn't it? And I wouldn’t want all those condoms you’ve brought to go to waste.”

It was a lame joke and Callum didn’t fall for it this time and instead sat back down in his seat and looked carefully across at Ben for a moment or two. 

“You know I appreciate everything you’re doing for me don’t you?” he said seriously as he reached over and took hold of Ben’s hand and rubbed his thumb over Ben’s wrist, “I know it’s been hard for you these past few weeks… with your dad and everything.”

Ben frowned slightly; he thought he’d been doing a pretty good job of not letting on just how stressed he’d been or just how suffocating he’d found his dads presence whilst he’d tried to navigate his relationship with Callum.

“It’s fine,” he said with a shrug, “Dads been fine.”

“Yeah, but-”

Whatever he was about to say was cut off by the arrival of their food and Callum was instantly distracted by the mound of fish and chips he’d ordered. Then he was off, telling Ben about how he wanted to get back in the kitchen properly and dig out some of his old cookbooks so he could make Ben some of his favourite dishes. Usually, the subject of food would have peaked Bens interest but the cloying smell of oily fish and the steak he’d ordered was starting to make him feel sick. The headache was back as well and Ben had to force his dinner down after Callum asked him once again if he was ok because he wasn’t eating much. Thankfully nothing threatened to come back up even though Callum ended up polishing off the rest of Ben’s steak once he’d finished his own meal.

“God I’m stuffed,” Callum laughed even though he was already looking at the dessert menu, “Ohhh they’ve got sticky toffee pudding; your favourite! Do you want to share one? I don’t think I could manage one all to myself.”

“Sure, whatever you want,” Ben said with a smile and he scooted closer to his boyfriend and tried to focus on Callum and his excitement over their shared desert rather the ever-increasing dread at having to face up to his father tomorrow. 

This was easier said than done and as if on queue his pocket started vibrating again and unable to stop himself Ben pulled his phone out whilst Callum was giving their order to Habiba; his heart racing like he’d just run a marathon when he saw the message. 

** CARS BEEN SOLD SOMEWHERE ELSE SO YOU’VE LOST ME MONEY WHICH WILL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR WAGES. YOU’RE A COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE BEN AND IF ID KNOWN YOU WERE INCAPABLE OF PICKING UP A CAR ID HAVE SENT KEANU **

Slipping his phone back into his pocket Ben took a few deep breaths and tried to stop his mind from retreating back down the dark rabbit hole of negative thoughts that always seemed to surround him and his father. Phil constantly reminded him he was a complete let down to the Mitchell family name but when Ben tried to get remove himself from the family business, that wasn’t good enough either. It had almost driven him mad trying to figure out what exactly his dad wanted him to be and there was a time when he would have willingly changed his entire personality to just to suit Phil. Ben would never be good enough, he knew that deep down and had been told it enough times, but he could still try and make everyone happy, couldn’t he?

“Come on babe have some more,” Callum insisted and Ben realised he’d just been sitting there blankly staring into space whilst Callum polished off almost the entire desert, “I’ll have eaten the whole thing in a minute.”

Sliding the plate over Callum pressed the second spoon into Ben’s hand and waited expectantly leaving him with no choice but to finish off the rest of the pudding. Callum was right; Sticky Toffee Pudding was usually his favourite but somehow everything just tasted wrong tonight and he was feeling sicker with every mouthful. 

“All done gentlemen?” Habiba asked as she came over and Ben practically shoved the desert plate into her outstretched hand.

“Yeah, thanks it was great,” Ben told her even as his stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch and he quickly clamped his mouth shut. 

Meanwhile, Callum was leaning back with his arm draped over the back of Ben’s chair; his hand caressing the nape of Ben’s neck. Ordinarily, this was a very soothing gesture and he would lean into Callum like a cat waiting to be petted but tonight he just felt tense and on edge. The dig about Keanu had sent his mind spiralling down into a pit of self-doubt as he worried he was doing the right thing but then Callum smiled at him, the special smile that was reserved just for him, and Ben knew there was no way he was letting this man go. 

“You coming back to mine?” Callum asked softly and he moved his other hand under the table to stroke Ben’s knee, “Stuarts still not back yet…”

Ben nodded; whatever sexual innuendo he’d thought up instantly forgotten as he leaned forward for a kiss.

“Good,” Callum said simply as he stroked the side of Ben’s cheek and kissed him once more. 

They then argued for fifteen minutes about who was paying the bill, each of them wanting to treat the other one, but in the end, Callum wore Ben down. 

“Just let me spoil my boyfriend for once!” Callum laughed as he gave his card to Habiba which thankfully wasn’t declined this time, “You can thank me later.”

Whilst they waited in line for their coats, Callum got chatting to one of the sous chefs about some sort of fancy cake thing he wanted to make so Ben fired off a quick text to Lola explaining he would be staying at Callum’s if there were any problems with Lexi. He got a bunch of aubergines and kiss face emojis in response and Ben couldn’t help but laugh and was about to text her back something rude when his phone started ringing again. 

** INCOMING CALL: DAD MOBILE **

He barely had time to register the call before his stomach started rolling and threatened to bring up all the lovely food Callum had just paid for; his hands slick with sweat. Shoving the phone back in his pocket, as if hiding it from view might make this whole situation go away, Ben breathed deeply through his nose. But what could he have done? If he answered in the first place he would’ve been halfway to Watford by now in a stolen vehicle and not spending a lovely evening with Callum. This was the first time he’d even come close to telling his dad no and it felt like he was walking a very fine tightrope of wanting to continue on the straight and narrow and to fall off onto what was familiar, namely pleasing his father. The notion that he actually had a choice in all of this and didn’t have to jump at Phil command was confusing, to say the least, and Ben was still struggling to get his head around everything. Callum was finished talking about cake mixers now and Ben wrapped his arms around his waist and huddled into him; feeling like a small child that desperately wanted to be comforted. 

“You  _ sure _ you’re all right?” Callum asked again as he rubbed his giant hands up and down Ben’s back in a very soothing manner, “You’ve been acting bit funny all night.”

No was the answer but Ben couldn’t exactly tell him this so instead, he nodded against Callum’s broad chest before reaching up on his tiptoes to kiss him on the lips.  _ Technically _ he still wasn’t lying; his promise had been about doing anything criminal so it shouldn’t really matter that he was glossing over how tired and stressed he felt with this whole car business. 

“I’m fine,” he said with a smile as he traced the outline of the buttons on Callum’s shirt, “I was just thinking about you and me… alone… in an empty flat…”

Then he pressed soft kisses against Callum’s jawline before moving onto his lips and Callum kissed him back hungrily and judging by the hand that was roaming Ben’s arse he was just as ready to leave as Ben was. 

“Get your coat on,” he said a little breathlessly before grabbing Ben by the hand and leading him out of the restaurant. 

They barely made it through the front door of the flat before Callum was pushing Ben up against the kitchen countertop; their lips crashing together as they kissed. Since they’d got together Callum’s confidence had come on leaps and bounds and he was no longer nervous when it came to anything sexual and would often take the lead, something that Ben found a  _ massive _ turn on. His hands had already moved from cradling Ben’s head whilst they kissed to his belt where he was already working on removing Bens trousers. 

“Take em off,” he growled and Ben didn’t need telling twice; kicking his jeans off and pulling Callum back towards him for a furious kiss. 

Callum’s hand were all over him and Ben reluctantly brushed them aside so he could unbutton Callum’s shirt and then made short work of his jeans. They both lunged for each other once their clothes had been thrown aside and Ben prayed to whoever the was up there that Stuart didn’t come stomping back into the flat when he was stood in just his pants with a very obvious erection. With skills born of practice, he dropped to his knees, taking Callum’s boxers down with him in one fell swoop and eyed Callum’s erection hungrily. He loved Callum’s cock because it was neither too big or too small; like it had been made especially for him and Ben took it deep into his throat.

“Ohhh…  _ babe _ ,” Callum hissed as he racked his fingers through Bens hair all the way down to the nape of his neck.

Ben sucked him off for a bit, his hand cradling Callum’s balls, but just when Callum’s breath was starting to hitch he quickly released him and stood back up; smirking at the confused look on his boyfriends face. Then he turned around and bolted for the bedroom. He’d barely made it through the door when Callum grabbed hold of him and Ben toppled over backwards and landed with a loud thump on the bed. Laughing loudly, he hardly had time to catch his breath before Callum caught him by the ankle and dragged him back down the bed towards him. 

“See something you like?” Ben purred as he stretched out wantonly on the bed whilst Callum stood at the foot of the bed and looked hungrily down at him. 

“Maybe,” Callum told him; his eyes dark and dangerous as he loomed over Ben. 

Ben liked to play when it came to sex, the build-up was  _ almost _ as good as the main event, and Callum had turned out to be the  _ perfect  _ person to play with. Resting his foot against Callum's thigh to stop him getting any closer it was no surprise to Ben that it pushed aside with ease as the other man stalked towards him. If this was any other time he would have rolled out of reach or “wrestled” for a bit with Callum but they hadn’t done it in  _ ages  _ (it had been four days) and Ben was too turned on to wait much longer. 

“Cal,” he wined and was instantly rewarded with Callum crushing their mouths together and his hand moving expertly between Ben’s legs. 

Everything blurred away after that; their bodies hot and sweaty as they ground against one another. Over the past few months that they’d been dating it had become very clear that Ben was an avid fan of Callum’s arse, and thighs and he hummed happily when Callum shifted himself so Ben could get a better grip on it. Fingers kneaded soft flesh, lips ghosted over skin and at some point, Callum had let his wrists go so Ben wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled their bodies flush together. 

“Callum,” he moaned; nibbling his earlobe whilst their mutual erections rubbed together.

Without even needing to be told, Callum leaned over him to fumble the bedside drawer for the bottle of lube and the giant box of condoms he’d brought and Ben took the opportunity to run his hands all over his broad shoulders, down his back and give his lovely arse a firm squeeze. Tossing the condom to one side, for now, Callum knelt in front of him and pushed Ben’s legs apart with ease leaving Ben almost giddy with excitement. 

“Bend your knee,” he growled and Ben couldn’t move his leg quick enough; assertive Callum was  _ such _ a turn on.

Despite being a “rookie” when they’d first got together Callum had proved himself to be a quick and dutiful learner and Ben bit back a moan when he was manhandled into position. The lube was a bit cold, Callum still forgot to warm it up a little, but that was soon forgotten as a lovely long finger was pushed inside him. Ben let out a loud groan as another finger slipped its way in and was louder still when Callum bent his fingers and rubbed inside him. Rough kisses were being pressed against his neck but all too soon the fingers were being removed and Callum was eagerly reaching for the condom.

“Babe you’re too big… I need another one,” Ben panted and Callum dutifully pushed a third finger in and continued to work him open, “Yeah… just like that.” 

Then they were kissing again and Ben moaned with pleasure as when Callum’s fingers brushed against that sweet spot inside him. Nobody would  _ ever _ convince him that the male body was anything other than fucking amazing and he was practically purring as soft lips moved their way down his neck. All too soon Callum was removing his fingers and Ben made a grumble of disappointment only to perk up when he saw Callum fumbling with the condom packet. 

“I wanna do it,” Ben told him; taking the packet from him, tearing it open with his teeth and rolling the condom expertly over Callum’s erection. 

The last time he’d stayed over Stuart had been hanging around like a bad smell and they’d been forced to do it on the floor with Ben face down into a pillow so as to keep the noise down. The wooden headboard made rather a lot of noise and Uncle Fester always had some sort of snide comment to make whenever he’d heard them having sex, which usually left Ben feeling like he was stuck living with Phil again. Tonight they had the place to themselves and Ben wasted no time in making his voice heard. 

“You wanna fuck me?” he growled and without waiting for an answer he pulled Callum back down towards him and kissing him fiercely.

“Yeah,” Callum said as he cradled Ben’s head in his massive hands and kissed him all over. 

“I wanna hear you say it,” Ben told him as his teeth scraped along Callum’s bottom lip and his fingers ran through that floppy mess of hair he loved so much. 

“I wanna fuck you,” he breathed and Callum’s eyes were burning with intensity as he pushed Bens legs wide apart and moved stealthily in-between them. 

“Say it again,” Ben groaned before Callum was kissing him again and his erection was laying hot and heavy between them; aching to be touched. 

“I wanna fuck you,” Callum growled and he did just that; thrusting deep and hard into Ben who couldn’t have kept the noise down even if he’d wanted to. 

Wrapping his legs around Callum’s waist Ben let out another loud moan until Callum caught one of his feet and put Ben’s leg over his shoulder. He’d only taught Callum this particular move a few days ago and his fingers clawed at Callum’s forearms as his lover's cock began to hit that sweet spot inside of him. Rolling his hips up in time with Callum’s thrusts Ben groaned wantonly and he moved his hands between his legs; stroking himself until Callum batted his hand away. 

“I told you  _ I  _ was gonna fuck you,” he breathed and Ben was practically giddy when his hands got pinned either side of his head again. 

They went at it hard and fast after that until Ben’s back arched one final time and he clung onto the sheets as his orgasm crashed through him; waves of pleasure rolling through his entire body as he called out Callum’s name. After a couple more thrusts Callum wasn’t far behind him and he was moaning into the side of Ben’s neck before he slumped down on top of him. They lay there for a bit panting as they both caught their breath and Ben trailed his fingertips up and down Callum’s sweaty back where he’d dug his fingernails in. 

“So. Good,” Callum sighed happily as he brought his hand up to stroke Ben’s cheek; his eyes closed in ecstasy.

Feeling rather smug Ben stared up at the ceiling and thought, not for the first time, about how lucky he was that this good, kind, sweet man had decided he was worth putting up with and all the baggage that came with him. He didn’t think he would ever feel good enough, not really, for Callum's love but Ben would do whatever it took to make him happy and he pressed a soft kiss to the inside of Callum’s palm. Ben could have laid there all night but truth be told Callum was a bit too heavy to lay on top of him like this and they were getting rather sticky so he gently pushed his boyfriend off. 

“Sorry,” Callum yawned as he sat up and pulled the condom off and tossed it in the bin, “Didn’t mean to squash ya but you are very comfy.”

Ben swatted him playfully on the arm before leaning over the side of the bed to pick up one of their shirts to give them both a quick clean down. Then Callum was pulling him under the duvet and wrapping his whole body around him like an octopus; planting soft kisses all over his cheeks and forehead. Whilst he  _ loved _ sex and could hardly get enough of Callum and his spectacular cock, it was actually the after sex stuff that Ben loved the most. Being held after such a  _ long  _ time made him feel so safe and calm and as he snuggled into Callum’s warm embrace, Ben heaved out a very contented sigh when long fingers began to softly pet his hair. 

“Night babe,” Callum said sleepily and he slung his arm around Ben’s waist and pulled him close to nuzzle their noses together.

“Night Cal,” Ben replied; kissing Callum softly on the lips before settling back down to go to sleep. 

Callum fell asleep almost instantly but it always took Ben a little longer to drift off but he was happy to lay there in the arms of the man he loved for a little while longer. Then, just as he was beginning to fall asleep, his phone buzzed from somewhere on the bedside table and Ben groped around in the dark on instinct just in case it was something to do with Lexi. The light from the phone almost blinded him and Ben squinted as he tried to read the message without waking up Callum only to quickly realise it was nothing to do with his daughter. 

** CALL YOURSELF A MITCHELL! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU YOU’RE GONNA WISH YOU’D NEVER BEEN BORN! **

The euphoria of the sex he’d just had and the loving warmth that Callum provided him with was suddenly replaced with the sudden feeling that he was about to vomit as anxiety twisted his stomach over in knots. He’d been about to text back to beg some sort of forgiveness or even get out of bed and try and find another car when the arm around his waist tightened; Callum keeping him grounded even in his sleep. Shutting his phone off, Ben tossed it in the drawer as if that was somehow going to block his father out of his life. Next to him, Callum began to snore softly and Ben burrowed into him, forever grateful for the feeling of safety his boyfriend gave him, and eventually fell into a fitful sleep. 


	2. The Chain

_"Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies  
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light"_

**Hey Tiger,**

**Had to go to work early**

**B x**

Sticking the note onto the fridge next to the wobbly stick person drawing that Lexi had done of Callum, Ben waited until he heard the sound of the shower turning on followed by Callum singing loudly along to the radio. Once he was certain the coast was clear he quickly threw his coat on and slipped out the front door and made his way over to the car lot. It was cowardly and he felt awful sneaking out without saying goodbye but when Callum had woken him up this morning with a cup of tea he could tell his boyfriend was keen to get to the bottom of Ben’s odd mood from the night before and he just couldn’t face having that discussion right now. Maybe if he hadn’t had yet  _ another _ missed call from Phil whilst he’d been asleep Ben would have considered telling Callum but now there was no way he wanted him caught up in all this mess. 

It was cold in the car lot, mostly because Keanu had taken the portable heater over to the Arches at some point so Ben huddled into his coat for warmth; already wishing he was back in bed with Callum. He could go over there and demand the heater back but then everyone would just think he was being petty and jealous plus he didn’t think he could stand looking at Keanu’s stupid smirking face this early in the morning. Aside from the obvious Ben had no idea what Louise, and his dad for that matter, saw in the guy. The fact that Phil’s new replacement son was a complete idiot but had still managed to weasel his way into the family so easily when Ben had had to fight hand over fist for even the  _ smallest  _ scraps of attention stung like a knife in the chest. Feeling moody and grumpy, Ben went to make himself a cup of tea but even the kettle in here was broken so he couldn’t even warm himself up with a hot drink. 

“Typical,” he muttered as he threw himself back down in his chair and watched the clock tick closer to opening hours. 

He could always go to the cafe and get one but that ran the risk of bumping into his dad but thankfully Jay usually popped over with a cup of tea and a bacon roll in the afternoon for a catch-up or to moan about some awful client he’d had at the funeral parlour. Sometimes he brought beer and they’d have a cheeky afternoon couple of cans but Ben didn’t think he could stomach beer or even food at this particular point in time. The headache that refused to go away was back  _ and _ he’d forgotten the painkillers Callum had dug out for him last night and insisted he brought to work. Rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm Ben closed his eyes and tried to will the headache away but only succeeded in making it worse; much like everything else in his life. Deciding he’d better get on with the paperwork he’d not managed to finish from yesterday Ben was about to get started when his phone pinged loudly. Fearing that it was going to be Phil on his case again Ben snatched up his phone only to find a message from Callum waiting for him. 

** Hey, I thought we were gonna walk 2 work 2gether and get breakfast? :( **

** Xx **

Great; now he’d upset Callum by sneaking out of the house like some cheap one night stand so Ben hurriedly texted him back. 

** Sorry **

** Got an urgent call about a car **

** Plus your singing is awful **

** Didn’t want to damage the other ear :) **

** x **

He added a smiley face on at the end just so Callum knew that he was only joking because whilst Callum might not have the same musical prowesses that Ben possessed, he still had a pretty decent voice. Ben was  _ desperate _ for him to come to the karaoke night at his favourite drag club, Sir Dragsalot, but Callum was unfortunately still a bit shy for an onstage performance. If Jay, who sounded like two cats being swung around together in a bag, could do a duet with him then it was only fair that Callum should have a go as well. Maybe if he got Callum drunk enough he would do it? Hmmm…

** Ahhh ok :) **

** You coming over 2night? **

** I was gonna do chicken pasta **

** I won’t put shellfish in the stock this time! **

** Xx **

Bens shellfish allergy had never really come up before until one day Callum decided to put muscles in the stock he used for his pasta sauce for added flavour and Ben had been violently ill all evening. Kathy had even had to come round to the flat because Callum had flown into a panic about the sheer volume he’d been throwing up and then they’d taken a nice little trip to the hospital when Ben had broken out in hives. Ever since then Callum had taken to checking the backs of food packets and continuously asking if Ben could eat certain things even if it was obvious they wouldn’t even remotely contain any shellfish, like biscuits or orange juice. It was sweet and Ben couldn’t remember anyone aside from his mum, Ian and Jay taking that much care and interest in how he was. A drunken Phil had once force-fed him a prawn sandwich when he was a kid; shouting at him that he was being difficult when Ben had tried to remind him that he was allergic. Having to clean his sick up off the floor whilst an inebriated Phil yelled at him had been an experience, to say the least. Chicken pasta sounded good though, thankfully minus the shellfish, and even though it had barely been an hour since he last saw him Ben was already missing Callum so he quickly texted him back. 

** Yeah Lex is at a sleepover **

** So no school run for me **

** X **

They messaged back and forth for a while after that before Ben decided he better actually do some work today. He’d been avoiding going outside for fear of bumping into Phil but it didn’t seem like his dad was in a hurry to find him. Maybe he’d cooled off after last night? Or the car sale had gone through after all? There had been no messages or phone calls this morning but Ben wasn’t that stupid to think his dad was going to let him off the hook that easy. It was almost embarrassing how desperate he was for some scrap of appreciation or approval from his father; it was like a drug to him. One day, he constantly told himself, he’d prove himself worthy of being a Mitchell and get that coveted “I’m proud of you son” from his dad. Approval, acceptance, love was all Ben had ever wanted but just when Ben thought he’d  _ finally _ done something right the rules would suddenly change and he’d be right back to square one again. It was confusing and difficult and above all frustrating constantly trying to figure out what he was doing wrong and how to try and change that. He’d tried that once by pretending he wasn’t gay but that had only ended up damaging him almost beyond repair until, with the help of Paul, he’d finally learnt to accept himself. Ben couldn’t do anything about being gay, nor did he want to, so in desperation, he’d carefully watched Louise too see what she was doing that he wasn’t but that had only served to make him miserable when he saw how easily she claimed their father's affection. 

“Just be yourself,” Lousie had told him breezily when it had all come out about Ben being taken out of the Phil’s will in favour of Keanu, “That’s all me and Keanu do.”

That was all very well and good but being himself clearly wasn’t good enough and being like  _ other  _ people didn’t work either so Ben was at a loss at what to do for the best. It had gotten easier when Phil had taken himself off to Spain for all those months and Ben had something new to focus on; Callum. Ben had been  _ desperately _ disappointed that the fittest bloke in Walford was already shacked up with Whitney Dean even is he was “straight” back then. It wasn’t even that Callum was fit, which he was, he just gave off this aura of innate loveliness and was such a  _ good  _ person and it had reeled Ben in like a moth to a flame. It wasn’t even like he’d been looking to start a relationship, just the odd fling here and there, but for some reason, he just couldn’t tear himself away from Callum and then when he’d sussed out that he was gay his infatuation had increased tenfold. Most people would have given up after being rejected and thumped on the nose time and time again but Callum had  _ needed  _ him, he’d needed Ben to show him that he didn’t have to hide his true self anymore so Ben had persisted even when it hurt him to do so. Finding out that Callum had proposed to Whit directly after their little adventure in the park had knocked his already low self-esteem back down to almost nothing but thankfully all the hurt and turmoil had been worth it,  _ Callum _ had been worth it; even if he did want to be a copper. 

Ben  _ hated _ the fact that the first thought that popped into his head when Callum told him he wanted to be a police officer was what was his dad going to say when he found out. Only second to that was that he’d _ lied _ to Callum and told him his dad was fine with the whole police thing. The guilt at not being honest with Callum was eating away at him to the point where Ben was struggling to sleep and he’d end up laying there for hours staring at the ceiling whilst Callum slept soundly beside him. It felt like he had to be two different people; the nice Ben that was a good boyfriend and the horrible Ben that wanted whatever minuscule pieces of attention his dad threw at him. Anxiety bubbled in his chest once again and Ben distracted himself by picking at the skin around his fingernails not caring that they were starting to bleed. Hurting himself like this or better still, getting some  _ else _ to hurt him like when he’d antagonised those guys at the Albert to beat him up, usually worked and Ben could already feel himself start to calm down somewhat. It was a messed up way of dealing with things but it helped and that was all Ben cared about. He was at the point where he’d chewed on his fingernails until they started to hurt when, by some sort of divine intervention, his phone went off again with another message from Callum.

** BTW Last night was AMAZING! :)  **

** xx **

Smiling to himself because last night  _ was  _ amazing and Ben quickly sucked the blood of his fingers like it was no big deal before texting Callum back.

** You better be ready for round 2 tonight :) **

** x **

Looking back at all those one-night-stands and random hookups Ben realised he’d been having sex out of an emotional necessity during truly one of the saddest times of his life. The loss of Paul had left him seeking out love from men he didn’t know because he was desperate to feel  _ something, anything  _ that would stop the all-consuming loneliness he’d felt. Many nights after sleeping with someone he would cry his eyes out because he was left feeling so empty afterwards. Ben just didn’t know how to love himself properly and he was ashamed to admit that had been the case even when he was with Paul. He still didn’t, not really, but he was getting there slowly but surely and he could just about say he liked himself as a person now. With Callum, he felt everything he was supposed to feel after they made love; that soft, sweet sense of happiness that only sex with someone you loved could bring. Because Ben  _ was _ in love with Callum and had been for a long time but he’d just been too terrified to admit it to himself up until now. Bad things happened when Ben let people into his life and if  _ anything  _ happened to Callum he didn’t know what he’d do with himself. Losing Paul had opened up a wound that he didn’t think would ever truly heal because deep down he would always blame himself for how he died. However, like a soldier fit for warfare Callum had infiltrated the painstakingly constructed wall that Ben had built around himself that only Lexi had previously managed to smash her way through. Somehow he’d started to begin filling up the big gaping hole Ben had inside him with nothing but love and kindness. It should have been the easiest thing in the world to tell Callum that he loved him but there was that ever-present nasty, cruel part of his brain that continuously told him how nobody would ever love him no matter how much he wanted them to. Plus, there was the terrifying realisation that he would tell Callum he loved him and that Callum might tell Ben he loved him back. Love left him feeling vulnerable and exposed to all the cruelty life had to offer and Ben wasn't sure he was ready to take all that on again just yet. His phone pinged again singling Callum’s response and Ben stared fondly down at his phone; he really had it bad for this boy.

** Why do you think I brought all those condoms?? ;) **

** Xx **

Before he could respond with some sort of sexual innuendo, a text from Jay came through and Ben wondered what on earth couldn’t wait until their scheduled tea break later on. If he was lucky he could have traded some sexy messages with Callum about how  _ exactly  _ they were going to put those condoms to use later on tonight but now Jay had gone and ruined it!

** STOP DISTRACTING MY EMPLOYEES!!  **

An angry faced emoji followed and Ben rolled his eyes; he couldn’t help it if Callum found talking to him more appealing than having to listen to Jay drone on about dead people. Nice of Jay to assume it was Ben being the distracting one and not the other way around though and he quickly texted him back.

** How’d you know it’s me texting him?? **

** Could have been Uncle Fester  **

There was no message this time; just a covertly taken picture of Callum grinning like an idiot down at his phone. By way of response, Ben sent a picture of himself sticking up his middle finger with a devil emoji before texting Callum back. 

** Jay says I can’t text you anymore :( **

** X **

** Yeah he told me off too **

** Probably should do some work though **

** See you tonight **

** xx **

Putting his phone away Ben decided that he better actually get on with some work as well and spent the better part of the morning sorting out the MOT’s for the new cars he had in and then the tax disc information for Bex’s new car. It was all going very well but by lunchtime, his headache was becoming almost unbearable so he ventured out of the car lot and up to the Minute Mart for some painkillers. Honey was on the till, smiling at him when she saw him, and Ben had to stand there and listen whilst she told him all about some book Janet was reading for school. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t mind because he liked Janet but his head was really hurting now and he ended up throwing down the box of paracetamol and the bottle of water at the till to make her stop. 

“Oh dear, you not feeling well?” Honey asked as she picked up the tablets and water to put them in a bag for him, “There’s a nasty bug going around, Will was off a whole week with it, so you make sure you look after yourself.”

“Thanks, Honey,” Ben said with a smile because he didn’t think anyone, not even Shirley when she was at her grumpiest, could get the hump with Honey Mitchell. 

Exiting the shop he fumbled with the cap of the water bottle and finally knocked back a couple of painkillers only to look up to find Phil standing directly in front of him; his expression unreadable. Ben knew his father well enough by now to know what that look meant though and he swallowed nervously. It meant he’d messed up again and he was suddenly reduced to feeling like the frightened little kid who’d been ripped away from the only home he knew and dumped on a man he barely knew all over again. 

“Home.  _ Now _ ,” Phil growled and without waiting for an answer he grabbed Ben by the elbow and dragged him back towards the house.

A couple of the market traders were looking at them but none of them said anything and Ben felt his face flush with humiliation when he was pushed through the backdoor and into the kitchen. Throughout his life, everyone had just adopted the “That’s just how Phil is” mantra to the point where when Ben was getting hit or verbally abused nobody batted an eyelid. Phil was a no-nonsense man's man, none of these feelings nonsense, and even Ben himself had become so used to his dad's behaviour that being manhandled like this had become normal to him. The pain in his arm where his dad was gripping him far too tightly didn’t seem all that bad compared to what he’d previously experienced. 

“What the  _ hell _ do you think you’re playing at?!” Phil snarled and Ben stumbled a little when he eventually let go of his arm, “I’ve got people waiting on that car and  _ you _ can’t even be even be bothered to turn up and do your job properly?!”

The lack of sleep, all the stress of the past few weeks and the pressure of trying to please everyone was beginning to take its toll and, horrifyingly, Ben could feel his eyes begin to water. Oh no…

“Oh, here we go,” Phil said as he threw his hands up in the air and laughed nastily, “The infamous Ben Mitchell Water Works; I might have known this would happen the minute you got into something you couldn’t handle.”

Desperately trying to compose himself, Ben angrily brushed the tears away because any sign of weakness was like a red rag to a bull with Phill. What did Phil care if he was tired and stressed because everything had been steadily piling up on top of him to the point where he could barely sleep? He’d be laughed at or told to “man up” and stop being an embarrassment to the family that's what. Then Phil would give him that look, that look that said how disappointed he was in having someone like  _ Ben  _ for a son. When he’d been in juvie he’d known for a  _ fact _ that they’d sent letters home about Ben being a “highly stressed individual” with “emotional difficulties” and suggested counselling but nothing had ever come of it. All it did was prove to Phil that his son was weak and not worthy of the Mitchell name and Ben had spent years trying to prove otherwise. 

“I said I wasn’t going to be doing the cars anymore though, remember?” Ben reminded him as he tried his best not to get wound up, “When you came to the Arches before Spain I said that Callum-”

“So you’re going to listen to that dopey idiot boyfriend of yours rather than your own father? Your own  _ family _ ?” Phil interrupted before he could finish and Ben  _ hated  _ himself because hearing Phil refer to Callum as his boyfriend gave him a small shred of acceptance that he craved so much. 

“No! I mean  _ yes _ but it was just because-” 

“I don’t want to hear it, Ben,” Phil spat as he threw his hands up in frustration and Ben began to feel smaller and smaller, “You keep winging that nobody treats you like you’re a part of this family but when are  _ you _ going to start acting like a Mitchell? When are  _ you _ going to stop sulking and crying like a little kid and show some loyalty for once eh?”

“I am I just-“

“And  _ then _ I have to hear from Martin Fowler of all people that that idiot you’ve shacked up with is joining the Old Bill!” Phil carried on and Ben felt as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over him, “Of all the  _ stupid _ things you’ve done this beats them all Ben! Not only have I got a complete waste of space as a son I’ve now got a grass for one as well!”

“I wouldn’t tell him anything!” Ben insisted only for his dad to let out another nasty laugh, “That’s why… that’s why I’m not going to pick the cars up anymore… like I already told you.”

“It only took me threatening to drink that lovely bottle of water for you to sing like a canary,” Phil reminded him and Ben felt physically sick at the memory, “What are you gonna be like when that Callum… does whatever it is he does and you’re telling him all our business?”

A stab of hurt hit him right in the stomach; the thought of Ben kissing or being intimate with another man was still something Phil couldn’t stomach or even bring himself to say out loud. When he’d been with Abi Phil had gone overboard on all the sex “tips” and Ben had wanted to scream at him that having sex with her made him want to throw up. Looking back it was obvious now that Phil had been trying to ignore the massively obvious signals that his son was only dating girls to please him and blundered on regardless. It was sex with boys he needed help with, not girls, and Ben had ended up muddling through on his own with only the internet and hookup apps for guidance which had resulted in a mixture of embarrassing and terrifying encounters. Kathy had tried to give him the “Gay Sex Talk” when she’d popped back up from the grave but it was a too little too late; Ben had already lost his virginity to Paul by that point. It wasn’t even that he wanted “tips” either it was more that he’d wanted someone to talk to… someone to understand what it was like when you knew that you were a bit different to everyone else. Most people had their parents or mates to talk to about that sort of stuff but Ben didn’t have either of them aside from Jay who, unsurprisingly, wasn’t much help when it came to all the gay stuff. In the end, he’d wasted so much of his and poor Abi’s time by carrying on their relationship just to please his father who in reality couldn’t have cared less back then just so long as Ben wasn’t gay. All that time he could have spent with Paul instead…

“I said I wouldn’t tell him anything and I won’t!” Ben said again in a desperate attempt to get through to Phil, “And Callum doesn’t even ask about any of that stuff anyway or the stuff he does know about is just -”

“Knows about? What do you mean “knows about”? What the bloody hell have you been telling him?!” Phil snarled as he almost kicked the kitchen table in frustration, “For christ sake Ben!” 

“Nothing! I’m just saying that he doesn’t mind any of that stuff. His brother-”

“Who gives a stuff about his brother?!” Phil snapped as he shut Ben down  _ yet again _ and left him feeling even more foolish, “We’re talking about you opening up that big gob of yours and getting the people that have put food on your table into trouble!”

Ben frowned; Ian had put more food on his table than Phil ever had and he was pretty certain that his brother wasn’t a master criminal. There was no way he was bringing Ian up though as that would almost certainly only antagonise his father even further. 

“Like I said; I won’t tell him anything and it doesn’t even matter anyway because I’m just going to focus on the car lot and the Arches,” Ben explained hurriedly before Phil could draw enough breath to have a go at him again, “So even if he wants to become a police officer I won’t have anything to tell him anyway!”

It all sounded much more plausible when he said it out loud and perhaps Phil just needed to understand that Ben wasn’t about to go blabbing about all the “business” Shirley got up to when she popped off to Spain for months at a time. 

“So you’re picking some bloke you’ve known for all of five minutes over your own family?” Phil asked in almost disbelief and Ben's heart dropped once again, “Over your own flesh and blood?!”

“No! I-”

“Why are you doing all this for some bloke that's not gonna care less about you in a couple of weeks times? From what I’ve heard this Callum will have dumped you for some bird in a few weeks,” Phil asked and Ben felt his face flush with a fresh humiliation, “And your track record ain’t exactly great is it Ben? One bloke dead, the other one landed you in hospital and now this one wants to be a copper!”

Phil could have punched him and it would have hurt far less. If it had been anybody else that had brought up Paul he would have lashed out and started swinging by now but once again the tiny shred of acknowledgement from Phil that he even remembered who Paul was won out. 

“It's just… after Paul,” Ben said as he tried to ignore the lump in his throat that was forming and the tears that were threatening to spill over his lashes, “He’s the first person I… the first person I really like…”

He trailed off; not wanting to admit to his father of  _ all people _ that he was completely and utterly in love with Callum. 

“Oh for god's sake not him again! We had all this a few months back with you carrying on,” Phil snarled and this time Ben couldn’t even hide the tears that were welling up behind his eyes, “You need to toughen up Ben; that was years ago and you're still winging on about it!”

“But I can just… He’s not going to-”

“I don’t want to hear it Ben just get it sorted! It's always _ you _ that I get all this crap from; not Louise, Dennis, Jay or Keanu just  _ you _ !” Phil shouted and the crushing feeling of rejection hit Ben like a ton of bricks, “I’ve got enough on my plate with Sharon and Lou without you and now your stupid relationships mucking everything up. Now, next time I tell you you’re gonna pick up the car and then you’re gonna sell it in that car lot do I make myself clear? Now get out; I’m sick of the sight of you. Go on, out!”

“But…”

“I SAID OUT!”

Defeated Ben made his way back to the car lot; his head hanging low as he made his way back through the market. Callum, Paul, his dad shouting at him yet again… it was all too much and the tears that had been treating to drop all afternoon finally made their way down his cheeks. Over the years he’d become a pro at only ever crying when he was absolutely certain that nobody was around to see or hear him; a skill he’d been honing ever since he was ten years old. Ben shook himself mentally because on top of everything else he didn’t need to be thinking about  _ her  _ right now. It felt like the tears were falling forever and what Ben really wanted was his mum or Callum but it felt incredibly embarrassing to even admit that. He was an adult now with a child of his own; he shouldn’t need his mum or his boyfriend to rally round him every time his feelings got hurt. 

“Stop being so pathetic,” he muttered to himself; his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand.

Phil pushed and pushed and  _ pushed _ until Ben didn’t even know which was up or down anymore and he tried so  _ hard _ to fit into the square hole his dad constantly tried to push him into but it didn’t seem to matter what he tried to do; Ben always got it wrong. Louise, Jay, Dennis and now even Keanu barely had to do anything to earn approval from Phil whilst Ben was left blundering around in the dark trying to work out why he never got the same treatment. Above anything else Ben  _ hated _ being jealous of them all, especially Jay, but it hurt him right down deep into his core to see Phil act like the perfect father to them all whilst he had to fight for even the smallest crumb of attention.  _ Ahhh _ , the nasty voice in the back of his head said, but none of  _ them _ has murdered anybody have they? None of  _ them _ has been to prison for smashing a kid around the head with a wrench or killing a defenceless woman with a picture frame. For  _ years _ Ben had convinced himself that it was him being gay and then what had happened with Heather that had caused the father/son rift but if he was being honest, the problems with his dad had started way before that. Phil had just never seemed to like him from the moment he’d returned from South Africa. He’d wanted a son that was into sports and football and instead, he’d gotten a shy, half-deaf kid who loved ballet and tap dancing. Sometimes he blamed his mum for getting him into all that stuff because it clearly wasn’t the normal thing boys did back in Walford but then again his dad had never bothered with him until Kathy had “died”. Kathy had most likely assumed the likely hood of Ben ever even seeing Phil was slim to none as there were never any phone calls or birthday cards so what did it matter if he liked dancing? Sniffling to himself Ben pulled out a wad of tissues from his desk drawer and blew his nose and set about carefully composing himself so if a punter came wandering in they wouldn’t find the proprietor sitting at his desk tearstained and miserable. 

“Alright, bruv?”

Right on cue, Jay came through the front door with two cups of tea and a carrier bag from the Minute Mart and Ben prayed it didn’t look too obvious that he’d just been bawling his eyes out.

“Honey said you dropped these earlier,” he told him as he set the tea down and pulled out the packet of painkillers he’d brought earlier, “And Callum asked me to give you these.”

It was the paracetamol he’d left on the countertop along with a handwritten note reminding him to take them.

“Not trying to top yourself are ya?” Jay asked with his trademark dry humour, “Cus I ain’t giving you a discount over at the parlour.”

“Haha,” Ben said dryly as he popped out two tablets and swallowed them gratefully whilst Jay pulled up a chair and sat across from him. 

“So…,” he said carefully whilst Ben took a sip of his lovely hot tea, “I saw you with your dad earlier and Callum told me you was acting all weird last night. You gonna tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing,” Ben shrugged but he avoided looking Jay in the eye for fear he might start crying again, “Just the usual dad stuff. And he knows about Callum wanting to be a copper.”

“Ouff; how’d he take it?”

“Fine.”

“ _ Fine _ ? What do you mean  _ fine?  _ You’ve been freaking out over this for weeks and now you’re telling me that your dad, Phil Mitchell, is fine about you dating a police officer?” Jay said incredulously whilst Ben busied himself with his teacup, “I thought he’d have burst a blood vessel for sure.”

“As I said; he was fine and it’s what Callum wants to do so…” he trailed off hoping that Jay knew him well enough by now not to push for more than Ben was willing to give. Thankfully Jay took the hint and they ended up looking over the inventory for the new cars they’d gotten in and then arguing about which one of them should buy a new kettle for the office. 

“Well I best be getting back,” Jay said as he stood up and stretched, “We’ve got a double funeral next week for some old couple and Callum’s already gone overboard with the flower arrangements.”

Ben smiled to himself because that sounded  _ exactly _ like something Callum would do especially if there was the chance to do something nice for a cute old couple; even if they were dead.

“You sure there’s nothing else?” he queried and Ben hesitated for a split second; usually he told Jay everything but lately he found himself not wanting to bother him with stuff about his dad. Jay's relationship with Phil was vastly different to Bens and he didn’t want to go spoiling that for him on top of everything else he’d dragged Jay into over the years.

“Nope. All good bruv,”� he lied smoothly even though he could tell Jay didn’t quite believe him so, “You still coming with me and Lex to see Frozen on Saturday?”

“Yeah but I ain’t wearing that tiara like last time though,”� he grumbled as he crumpled up his polystyrene cup and threw it in the bin before getting up to leave, “And I’m not singing neither.”

“Aww but you’ve got such a  _ lovely _ voice bruv!”� Ben teased earning himself the middle finger from Jay as he headed out the door. 

The visit from Jay had improved his mood somewhat and Ben spent the rest of the day sorting out the filing cabinets and alphabetising all their client lists. They’d been putting off doing it for ages so at least he could prove to Jay that he wasn’t completely useless and, most importantly, it kept his mind from straying onto things he’d rather not think about. A solid two hours had gone by the time he’d finished but Ben suddenly felt full of energy and now seemed like as good a time as ever to deep clean the office. Rolling up his sleeves Ben pulled out the cleaning products that Kathy had stashed underneath the sink because, according to her, they couldn’t do business in a pigsty� and tipped a load of bleach into a bucket. Hauling it up onto the countertop he shoved the bucket underneath the tap and set about filling it up with hot water; wiping his sweaty brow with the back of his hand. 

“See,” he muttered to himself as he grabbed a sponge and leaned over to turn the water off, “I am capable of doing some things right.”

A splash of hot water hit the bare skin his arm and Ben instinctively recoiled; his eyes instantly drawn to the oddly shaped faded scars on the inside of his forearm. Something prickled in the back of his head and then the memory of how they’d got there in the first place… the sting of burning mental… her fingernails digging into him… hit Ben like a freight train; his head spinning. Stomach rolling, Ben leant over the sink to stop himself from wrenching and willed himself to calm down. That was  _ years  _ ago he scolded himself despite the tight knot of anxiety that was forming inside his chest as he continued to try and calm himself down. For the most part, Ben liked to pretend he’d had forgotten that the marks were even there but a few weeks ago when they’d been lying in bed together, Callum had asked about them and it had completely thrown him.

“They look like little crescent moons,”� Callum had said softly before leaning in to press his lips against them whilst Ben had worried he was going to throw up because moon rhymed with spoon, “How’d you get em?”

A well-placed hand between Callum’s legs saved him from answering and the sex that followed was a welcome distraction for Ben as well. Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be the end of it like he’d hoped because he’d had another stupid nightmare that night; one where he’d been a kid again and stuck down inside a cellar whilst something clawed at him in the darkness whilst he’d screamed and  _ screamed  _ for help. Ben hadn’t even realised he’d been shouting for Callum until he was roughly shaken awake by his anxious-looking boyfriend. Ordinarily, he would have been ready with some excuse about his behaviour but Ben had been too busy trying his hardest not to cry and could only mumble something about some horror film he’d watched. However, Callum had been so insistent he told him what was wrong that Ben couldn’t stop himself from bursting into tears like an idiot and the only good thing being that Callum forgot all about the scars in his haste to comfort him. 

“Hey,” Callum had told him calmly when he’d scooped Ben up in his giant arms, “You’re all right… I’ve got you.”

Callum wouldn’t want him though, would he? Not when he found out about all the ugly, hurtful cruel things Ben had done over the years. The sudden urge to tip the bucket of water over himself and scrub himself clean came out of nowhere and Ben hastily pulled his sleeves back down. He’d spent years trying to block out what had happened to him as a child and he wasn’t about to give in to it now so, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head, he grabbed a scrubbing brush and set about scrubbing every inch of the floor he could get at. The monotony of cleaning calmed him somewhat because this was something he could have complete control over and he slopped even more water over the floor and carried on. Hours ticked by until his hands were stiff and aching from being covered in bleached water and he eventually slumped down on the damp floor to rest. Everything was clean but somehow it didn’t feel clean enough and Ben pressed the palm of his hand into the side of his head as he felt all his earlier energy quickly evaporate from his body. 

“Get a grip!” he told himself but Ben didn’t even have the energy to be angry at himself any more and he pulled his knees up to his chest; his head resting on top of them. 

It was seven o clock before Ben realised he’d been sitting in the dark for over an hour just staring blankly at the wall; churning everything over and over in his head. Pulling himself back to the present he glanced at the clock on the wall and realised in frustration that he was late for dinner with Callum.

“Shit,” he muttered; scrambling up off the floor and quickly pulling his coat on.

He stank of bleach but there wasn’t much he could do about that and Ben quickly locked the car lot up behind him and hurried across the square to Callum’s flat.


	3. Ice Cream Man

_ "I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passin' by, See now all my flavours are guaranteed to satisfy." _

Sprinting up the stairs two at a time Ben was almost out of breath when he finally reached the door to Callum's flat and he leant against the wall panting for a moment; sweat beading against his forehead. Hopefully, Callum wouldn’t be too cross with him and Ben tried to get his head straight and think up a good excuse as to why he was almost an hour late to dinner. He couldn't very well tell Callum he'd gone on a mad cleaning spree for reasons he didn't even really understand himself but what was he supposed to say? There was always - 

“There you are!” a voice said and Ben jumped as the front door to the flat was pulled open and Callum smiled down him, “I was beginning to think my terrible singing had put you off!”

There was a flowery apron with a big smudge of tomato sauce on it tied around his waist, one of Whitney's leftovers, and his quiff had wilted slightly most likely due to the heat in the kitchen. There was a streak of flour across his cheek and Ben reached up on his tiptoes to give Callum a soft kiss hello; thinking all the while how utterly  _ adorable _ Callum was. The sweetest thing was that his boyfriend didn't even know it and Ben knew that if he was to tell Callum this he would go all red and mutter something about Ben being silly. 

“Sorry I'm late but I got held up at work,” Ben apologised as he was ushered inside the flat; feeling terrible that he’d left Callum waiting all this time, “We had a load of new cars come in last minute and I lost track of time.”

Another lie but Ben didn’t know how to explain why he’d been sat staring at his office wall for hours on end or the sudden desire to clean everything within reach. He was pretty sure he'd had his reasons at the time but the weird thing was it already felt like that had happened to somebody else and his memory was beginning to go patchy and blurry. That was a good thing though he convinced himself; it was probably a stupid reason anyway and not worth bringing up with Callum. However, even as he was thinking this, the skin on his forearm pricked and something dark flashed across his memory but Ben forced himself to ignore it. 

"Ben? I said do you want a beer?" 

Callum was holding out a bottle to him and it suddenly dawned on him that his boyfriend had been speaking to him this entire time.

"Yeah, thanks," Ben said as he took the beer; mentally scolding himself for not paying attention well enough and he forced himself to focus on Callum who was puttering about the kitchen. 

“Ian gave me some of that fancy Parmesan cheese when I dropped off Lexi's school jumper so I made those crispy things you like,” Callum told him and he held up a tray of the amazing cheese things they had at the restaurant that Ben always ate way too many off, “Think I might have burnt a couple though…” 

“Did he make you pay for it?” Ben asked; relieved that the numb feeling inside his brain was beginning to subside a little, “The cheese I mean.”

“Well yeah,” Callum admitted whilst Ben rolled his eyes at his brother's penny-pinching ways, “But he gave me a discount  _ and _ he wants us to go round for dinner on Sunday. Something about this council thing he wants us to film for him.”

The last thing on earth Ben wanted to do was be forced into a propaganda film for Ian as his token gay but he made a grumble of ascension about going over for dinner as he took his coat off. Callum was talking excitedly about cheese now, “Did you know there’s one called Stinking Bishop?”, and Ben was already starting to forget about how weird he’d been back at the car lot. Pushing things to the very back of his mind, squashing them down and pretending like they didn’t exist was something he’d become an expert in by now. It should scare him how easy he found being able to do this but strangely it had become somewhat of a comfort to him over the years and if he remembered every bad thing that had ever happened to him he'd probably be in the bottom of the canal by now. 

Callum was busy stirring something in a saucepan that smelt utterly delicious and Ben wandered up behind him; wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing the spot between his shoulder blades. Heaving out a heavy sigh he rested his cheek against Callum’s broad back and tried to absorb some of the warmth that was constantly appeared to be radiating off him 

“You all right?” Callum asked with a laugh as he rubbed his hands up and down Ben's arms in what felt like a very soothing manner, “How's your head?”

“Sore,” Ben mumbled from somewhere near the middle of Callum's back and at least he could be honest about that.

Turning around to face him Callum felt his forehead and determined that Ben was “coming down with something” and set about getting him some more headache tablets and a glass of water. Ben didn't feel like he had a cold or a bug but he didn’t have the heart to argue with Callum especially not when he was being so sweet. He didn’t deserve being fussed over because there was nothing wrong with him, aside from being too weak and cowardly to tell his dad to stuff his stolen cars and the entire Mitchell criminal empire along with it. Swallowing the tablets Ben tried to will his body back to wellness whilst Callum disappeared into the other room but only succeeded in making his head feel worse. Great; he couldn't even get rid of a simple headache on his own.

“I got you these as well,” Callum said as he came back into the kitchen, “Thought it might cheer you up a bit when you’re not feeling well. Don’t worry they’re not from the parlour; I brought em special for ya.”

In his hands was a massive bunch of tulips in what looked like every colour of the rainbow along with pretty wildflowers, some green stuff and they were all tied together with a large, yellow ribbon. 

“You still ain’t told me your favourite colour yet,” Callum explained as he handed them over with a slightly bashful look at Ben, “So I went with a bit of everything.”

Staring at them in awe, Ben took the flowers with slightly trembling hands and a great waft of floral perfume hit his nose. 

“That's really… they’re really… thanks,” Ben said; his voice wavering as he was completely overwhelmed by Callum’s thoughtfulness. 

Nobody had  _ ever  _ given Ben flowers and it took him a moment to take it all in which Callum seemed to understand; giving Ben a quick squeeze on the arm and a kiss on the cheek before he turned his attention back to the pasta. Smelling them once more he wondered if there was some way of bottling that scent because it would now forever remind him of Callum. It was a soft, woody scent with a hint of freshness and spice and was utterly perfect to describe what Callum smelt like. Some of the buds hadn’t quite opened yet which he knew from his childhood years spent helping Kathy in the garden back in South Africa meant that they would last longer. Standing there holding the flowers it suddenly struck him how awful it would be when the flowers eventually wilted and died and Ben clutched them tightly to his chest. What if he couldn’t look after them properly and they died sooner? What if he did something dumb and killed them by accident? Did flowers need food?? Giving the flowers back and insisting that he couldn't be trusted with something this important seemed like a good idea but Callum had gone to so much trouble to do something nice for him and the last thing Ben wanted to do was hurt his feelings. Determined not to do anything that would harm the flowers, Ben set them carefully down on the table and set about ransacking the cupboards for a vase. 

“What you looking for babe?” Callum called out whilst Ben was hunting around in one of the bottom cupboards that was full of junk like Tupperware boxes and unused kitchen gadgets that had been wedding gifts that Callum had felt too awkward to give back.

“A vase,” Ben said distractedly as he shoved aside what turned out to be a bread maker and carried on searching until he'd dragged almost everything out of the cupboard and onto the floor. 

“Oh,” Callum said as he came up behind him, “Don’t think I’ve got one of those… Probably should have thought about that before I brought you the flowers…”

He let out a short chuckle; oblivious to Bens distress that now the flowers were going to wilt and die and there would be nothing left to show for Callum’s kind gesture. If Ben was a nicer person then they would already have a vase by now because  _ he  _ would have been the one buying flowers for Callum. But he wasn’t nice. He was stupid and selfish and now all the pretty, colourful Tulips Callum had got him were all going to die and -

“Stick em in this,” Callum told him as he handed Ben a saucepan full of water and cutting through his rapid chain of thought, “I’ll pop down the market and get a proper vase in the morning.”

“Thanks,” Ben said as his mood took an upswing and he set about carefully arranging the flowers so that each one had enough space and water to keep it alive. Next, he googled how to properly take care of flowers and even text his mum a picture to make sure he had them set up in the saucepan properly. 

** Aww, are they from Callum? Make sure you say thank you and don’t overwater them! Xx **

Ben frowned; he had said thank you… But maybe it hadn't been good enough because why else would Kathy have reminded him to say it? He'd never been very good at expressing himself, mostly because he struggled letting people in to begin with but Callum had always understood that... hadn't he? Maybe Callum thought he was being ungrateful because he wanted __ the flowers  _ and  _ a vase to go along with them? 

“Cal,” he said as he caught Callum by the elbow before he could start staring the sauce again, “I am really grateful for the flowers. You know that, don't you?”

“Yeah, course I do!” Callum said with a smile as if he was being silly and Ben felt a little better, “Just wanted to do something nice for you like you’re always doing for me.”

Unable to take the complement Ben ducked his head and mumbled something about what it was that Callum was cooking, even though he knew full it was his infamous chicken pasta.

“I made my own pasta this time!” Callum said excitedly as he hurried back to check on the many saucepans that littered the stove. 

He then proceeded to explain to Ben the finer art of pasta making; including what type of flour was best to use so the pasta wouldn’t break up, how many times you should run the pasta dough through the pasta maker thing he'd brought and finally the best kind of olive oil to use which was according to Callum was very important. Ben knew nothing about cooking and was admittedly awful at making anything more complicated than a bacon sandwich but he liked listening to Callum talk about something he was passionate about. Why couldn’t he just go back to being a chef? Ian could easily take him on at the restaurant and….  _ No _ , Ben told himself firmly before he got too far into thinking he could talk Callum out of his chosen career path just to please his father. Callum wanted to be a police officer,  _ not  _ a chef and Ben had promised he would be supportive. He was about to say something about Phil and the dodgy motors he'd tried to force Ben into selling, he was, but then Callum was beaming at him and pulling him close for a cuddle and Ben found that the words died on his tongue; he didn’t want to be the one that spoilt Callum’s good mood. 

“You smell like bleach,” Callum told him somewhat concernedly after he'd buried his face in Ben's hair but he didn’t pull away, “What you been doing all day?”

“Cleaning the office.”

“ _ With bleach _ ?”

“And water,” Ben told him as if that was important but his hands began to itch once again, “Even used some of that scented stuff mum left behind.”

“Well be careful,” Callum told him as Ben cuddled even further into him, “That stuff can do some serious damage if you spill it on yourself. A lad in the army lost a dare and tipped a whole bottle of it all over himself; had to go to the hospital and everything.”

Ben flinched as the memory of wanting to douse his body in bleach and scrub himself clean coming flooding back. Now all he could smell was bleach, his nostrils burning with the strong chemical scent, and he tried to pull away from Callum; fearful he might cover him in the awful smell as well. 

“Hey!” Callum said as he pulled Ben even closer to him and wrapped his arms tightly around him to prevent him from moving, “I’m not finished with you yet… ain’t seen you all day.”

It felt very calming being held like this, especially when Callum began to pet his hair, and Ben wished they could stay like this all the time. Even the beach smell was beginning to fade away and he could smell the floral scent of the flowers once again which was nice. They stayed like that for a while; huddled together in their little bubble until one of Callum’s saucepans began to over boil and he reluctantly released Ben. 

“You go set the table and I’ll dish up,” Callum told him once his large hands had finished roaming around Ben’s arse, “Then you can tell me all about your day.”

Great, Ben thought miserably as he extracted himself from Callum’s embrace and went to grab a handful of knives and forks. His stomach let out a loud rumble and it was only then that he realised that he hadn’t eaten anything all day and was now absolutely starving. Throwing the knives and forks down he took a huge gulp of his beer before arranging everything neatly around his saucepan full of flowers. A plate of steaming parmesan crisps was set down and Ben munched on one whilst he waited for Callum to bring the pasta; not caring that it was so hot it burnt his tongue. The pasta was as delicious as ever and Ben gobbled up almost a whole bowlful to the point where Callum had to tell him to slow down. Soon talk came around to what they’d done with their respective days at work and Ben squirmed uncomfortably when Callum finished telling him about some rich old dear’s funeral he was planning knowing it would be his turn next to share. “I spent my day arguing with my dad about selling stolen cars” didn’t exactly sound like dinner table conversation.

“Cal?” Ben tried again as Callum was midway through a mouthful of pasta, "Cal can I tell you something?" 

“Sure,” Callum said as he wiped his mouth on a napkin, "You can tell me anything, Ben."

Ben hesitated; what he wanted was to ask for help because he had no idea what on earth he was going to do and realistically Ben couldn’t please everybody no matter how hard he tried. But then that would mean admitting he’d lied even though he hadn’t meant to  _ and  _ all about how Phil now knew Callum wanted to be a police officer. 

“This is... this is really tasty,” he finished lamely but Callum’s face split into a big proud smile leaving Ben feeling even more awful than he had at any point with Phil earlier on.

“I thought you’d like it; I put some extra chilli flakes in cus I know you like it spicy,” he explained and Ben almost felt like crying at the thought of someone going to all that trouble for him. 

“Thanks,” Ben muttered but he no longer felt as hungry as he had before and he set his fork down and waited for Callum to finish. 

“Jay said he saw you talking to your dad earlier,” Callum said as he twirled a load of pasta around his fork, “Everything ok?”

Ben felt his face flush slightly; did Jay tell Callum  _ everything _ they talked about? Or did they both sit about in work and lament on how much of a screw up he was and how Phil was right to yell at him? No...  _ no _ Jay would  _ never _ do something like that and neither would Callum. Callum was still waiting for an answer though and Ben did what came naturally to him; he lied.

“Everything’s fine,” he said almost robotically and he could tell Callum didn’t quite believe him, “Dad’s was just catching up with me about the paperwork for the Arches. I think all that sun from Spain has melted his brain.”

“You sure?” Callum pressed and Ben schooled his face into a what he hoped was a neutral, unconcerned expression, “Cus you can tell me you know… if he’s said something or if somethings bothering you.”

“Dad’s been fine Callum honestly,” Ben forced out and he reached over and took Callum’s hand, “I’m just sick of talking about him today that's all and I believe you promised me a desert.”

“Well if you’re sure it’s nothing…,” Callum said and it was evident he wasn’t quite ready to give up on the topic of conversation just yet, “I've got ice cream in the fridge if you want some.”

“You know me; always down to put something cold and hard in my mouth,” he quipped and Callum burst out laughing, even if his ears turned a little red. 

Feeling better now he’d made Callum laugh Ben watched with interest as his boyfriend bent over to pull a succession of ice cream tubs out of the freezer; Callum most definitely did have the  _ best  _ bum he thought happily. Clocking him staring Callum rolled his eyes in amusement and he set down a massive bowl of assorted ice cream flavours along with two spoons.

“I know that’s your favourite,” Callum said as turned the mint-choc-chip flavoured side towards Ben before he delved right in with his spoon, “Mmmmm... ice cream is the  _ best _ .”

“I still can’t believe I’m dating someone who thinks strawberry is the best flavour,” Ben teased as he scooped out a spoonful of mint-choc-chip, “That’s almost a dumpable offence babe.”

“I think you’ll find that strawberry flavoured is God tier actually,” Callum informed him as he dug out another spoonful, “ _ You _ just haven’t given it the chance it deserves.”

Holding out his spoon, Callum fed him a big dollop of strawberry ice cream and Ben did have to admit it was rather tasty. Not as nice as mint-choc-chip mind you but tasty none the less. 

“Guess what Jay's favourite flavour is,” Ben said as he licked ice cream off his lips; enjoying the way Callum’s eyes flicked towards his mouth for a second, “Mr Ice Cream Man.”

“Errrr... chocolate?” Callum guessed and Ben watched him in amusement knowing full well he would never get it right. 

“Nope”

“Toffee?”

“Guess again.”

“Hmmmmm… tutti frutti? No,  _ nobody _ likes that. Lemon sorbet?”

“No, that’s Ian’s.”

“Figures,” Callum muttered as he furrowed his brow as he tried to think up more ice cream flavours, “Coffee?”

“Wrong.”

“Salted caramel? Cookies and Cream?!” Callum all but shouted and Ben tried his hardest not to laugh, “Rockie Road?”

“Incorrect on all counts,” Ben informed him as he took another spoonful of ice cream, “You can have one more guess.”

“Errrrmmmm,” Callum muttered and he pondered for a full two minutes before finally revealing his answer, “I’ve got it! Pralines and Cream!”

He looked so sure of himself that Ben almost didn’t have the heart to tell him he was wrong  _ again.  _

“Sorry babe,” he said whilst Callum looked completely flummoxed, “But Jay don’t like any of those.”

"Go on then tell us,” Callum sulked as he stabbed his spoon into the remaining ice cream, “I give up.”

“You sure?” Ben teased, “Sure you don't want just  _ one  _ more guess?”

“Yes, I’m sure!” Callum insisted as he licked ice cream off the back of his spoon in a way that Ben found  _ very  _ interesting, “Come on; the suspense is killing me.”

“It’s Vanilla.”

“ _ Vanilla _ ?!” Callum exclaimed as if Jay had personally offended him somehow with his choice of ice cream, “But that's so… so  _ boring _ !”

“Trust me, me and Lo have had this exact same conversation with him,” Ben informed him as he tried not to laugh once again at how horrified Callum looked, “Even Billy’s partial to a bit of raspberry ripple.”

“What about Lexi?”

“Mint choc chip, because she’s got good taste just like her dad, with sprinkles, half a wafer and chocolate sauce,” Ben reeled off because Lexi was  _ very _ particular about her ice cream choices, “Mums is Rum and Raisin if you’re wanting to score some extra boyfriend points.”

Callum suddenly looked very serious, like he was filing all this information away just in case Kathy suddenly decided to quiz him on the families dessert preferences, and Ben couldn’t help but smile; he was pretty confident his mum preferred Callum over him anyway. 

“What about your dads?” Callum asked and Ben felt his smile falter; like a dodgy boomerang, they were back to Phil again. 

“Dad doesn’t like ice cream,” he muttered as he busied himself with getting the last of the strawberry ice cream whilst Callum looked incredulous that there was someone on this planet that didn’t even like ice cream. 

“What?!” he said loudly, “How can you _ not _ like ice cream? That's almost as bad as Jay’s favourite flavour being vanilla!” 

Ben shrugged; not wanting to waste even more time talking about his father whilst Callum went on a massive rant about “Non-Ice Cream Eaters”. Ordinarily, he would find it utterly endearing when Callum got himself all worked up like this but his headache was beginning creep back in and on top of that he realised that he’d left his phone in his coat pocket; Phil would go ballistic if he thought Ben was ignoring his calls again.

“Ben? You all right?” Callum asked and it was only then that Ben realised that he’d been holding his head in his hands. 

“Sorry,” he said only for Callum to immediately start fussing over him and insist he had some more painkillers, “Head’s aching a bit. Probably just the ice cream…” 

It had been churning around and around in his head once again; the cars, his dad, lying to Callum. All that food he'd enjoyed eating earlier was now sitting heavily in his stomach and was beginning to make him feel sick. Callum had got him another glass of water which Ben sipped gratefully but he left the pills for fear he might bring everything back up again. 

“You need to take it easy for a bit babe; the cars will still be there tomorrow,” Callum told him as he rubbed slow circles on Ben’s shoulder, “How about you go get yourself comfy whilst I clean this lot up and then we can watch Dirty Dancing... have a bit of an early night; yeah?”

"You just want me to stop taking the mickey out of you because you're probably the only person on the planet who ain't seen Dirty Dancing," Ben teased but found himself grateful when Callum steered him towards the bedroom to get changed. 

Callum’s bed had been freshly made after last nights exertions and Ben was praying that he would manage to get some sleep tonight. The lurid pink wallpaper was making his eyes ache and knowing he’d feel too lazy to do it later, Ben ditched his contacts and put on the spare pair of glasses he kept in Callum’s bedside draw. He even had his spare hearing aid here and the peaceful domesticity that they’d created together made Ben feel both nervous and excited all at the same time. However, sometimes the mean part of his brain would kick in and he felt like he was just  _ waiting _ for everything to go wrong and collapse like a house of cards or for Callum to turn around one day and realise that he could a lot better for himself than  _ Ben Mitchell _ . 

“Ben?!” Callum called out from the living room and breaking Ben out of his self-loathing once again, “The films starting and I need you to tell me who everyone is!”

Ben smiled to himself; Callum’s musical education was still an ongoing process. Ditching his suit trousers along with his shirt, Ben folded them neatly so they wouldn’t get creased before stealing one of Callum’s odd-looking sweatshirts to wear. Unfortunately, Callum’s sleep trousers were far too long on him so he padded back out into the living room in just his pants; smirking slightly at the appreciative glance Callum gave his arse when he walked past. 

“Come here,” he growled and he immediately pulled Ben down onto the sofa with him so that they were laying down with Ben’s back to Callum’s chest. With their legs tangled together Callum's massive hands wasted no time in roaming over Ben's arse and he playfully slapped them away.

“You're supposed to be watching the movie babe,” he chuckled and Callum let out a huff of disappointment but compromised by slinging his arm around Ben’s waist and pulling him close. Usually, he would be well into Callum's hands being on  _ any _ part of his body but Dirty Dancing was one of his favourites and he wanted Callum to enjoy it with him. 

"Ohhhh," Callum said excitedly when Patrick Swayze began throwing Cynthia Rhodes around to "Do You Love Me?", "I didn't think it would be like this!"

Ben smiled smugly to himself because how could  _ anybody _ not enjoy dirty dancing? As the film carried on Callum’s hand had found its way underneath Ben’s shirt as they spooned on the sofa; his long fingers gently stroking the soft skin of his stomach. 

“Would you sing this with me sometime?” Ben asked quietly as Hungry Eye’s kicked in and Baby finally got the chance to show she wasn’t just some dumb kid, “Not at a club or anything… just for fun.”

“Sure,” Callum said as his other hand stroked Ben’s hair, “Might even twirl you around the dance floor as well.”

“I’d like that,” Ben told him; nuzzling the back of Callum’s hand and kissing it.

I’ve Had The Time of My Life was just kicking and Baby was just about to show off her moves when Ben felt hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of Callum’s lips burning as they made contact with the soft skin of his neck. A hand ran through his hair as the kisses became harder and more urgent whilst Callum’s other hand slid around his waist and pulled Ben flush against his body. At some point during the movie Callum had removed his jeans and even with a thin layer of cotton between them, Ben could feel the hard outline of Callum’s dick. 

“Thought you wanted an early night?” Ben reminded him a little breathlessly as he rolled onto his back and Callum instantly stretched himself out on top of him.

“Mmmm… I just can’t get enough of ya,” Callum told him and his hand moving between Ben’s legs before dipping just inside the waistband of his underwear, “I’d keep you home with me in bed all day if I could.”

“Sorry, but you can’t miss the lift babe; it’s iconic,” Ben pouted as he pretended to be more interested in the film than Callum which was proving to be rather difficult, “What about Patrick Swayze?”

“Who?” Callum growled before diving down to kiss his way along Ben’s jawline; his erection rubbing up against Ben’s groin.

Ben let out a loud groan in response which earnt him more hungry kisses and he hooked his leg around Callum's waist to pull him even closer. Their lips met once again and in that split second before Callum's touch, every nerve in Ben's body and brain was electrified. It was the anticipation of being together in a way that's more than words, in a way that's so completely tangible. They ground against each other like a couple of horny teenagers and before long Ben was digging his nails into Callum’s hips, his back arching upwards… and then the buzzer went followed by a loud banging on the door below that led up to the flat. 

Letting out a noise of frustration Callum glared over at the door and was about to go back to what they were doing only for the banging to intensify. 

“Sorry,” Callum apologised as he reluctantly rolled off Ben and pushed his sweaty hair out of his eyes, “Just give me two seconds.”

Untangling himself, he hurried over to answer the intercom on the wall that was still incessantly buzzing whilst Ben propped himself up on his elbows and stared intently at the bulge in Callum’s boxers. 

“Oh… hi Stuart,” Callum said; holding the phone away from his ear when his brother bellowed down the phone that he’d forgotten his keys and that the football was starting soon. Ben flopped back down with a huff of disappointment whilst Callum dejectedly buzzed Stuart up to the flat; their romantic evening was officially over. 

Sitting up on the sofa he rearranged himself more appropriately and then tossed Callum his jeans just as Stuart came crashing through the front door. Slamming a bag full of beer cans down on the kitchen counter he made a beeline for the saucepan full of leftover pasta and shoved his hand straight in and thankfully not spotting Callum was hastily fumbling with his trousers. It was a disgusting sight watching Stuart lick the remnants of pasta sauce off his fingers and Ben felt his stomach give an uncomfortable lurch. 

“All right Bruv?” he said as he clapped Callum on the shoulder and left a large, tomato coloured handprint, “Footies on if you wanna… oh. Didn’t realise _ you _ were here.”

Stuart never bothered to hide his displeasure at seeing Ben inside his home, despite Callum repeated insistence that he be civil, and his lip curled nastily when he spotted him sitting on the sofa. There was bound to be a snide comment coming his way or a “joke” about some sort of gay stereotype Stuart believed was true and Ben found after everything else today, he didn’t have the energy to deal with him right now. 

“I’m gonna have a shower,” he told Callum with a heavy sigh as he made way for Stuart who sat himself down on the sofa and switched off Dirty Dancing to put the football on, and headed towards the bathroom, “Before Uncle Fester uses up all the hot water like last time.”

Once he shut the door behind him he could hear the brothers immediately begin to argue but Ben wasn’t getting involved; he’d learnt his lesson after he tried to stick up for Callum the last time Stuart had been his usual control-freak self. All he’d done was suggest that Stuart wash his own dishes and not leave them for Callum to do only to have his manslaughter charge brought up and  _ yes _ he might have referred to Stuart as a cave troll but that was beside the point. He got it; Ben wouldn’t even pick himself to date so it was understandable that Stuart would have reservations about Callum starting a relationship with him but it was  _ exhausting _ having his past constantly brought up. The arguing was getting louder now and Ben could hear his name being mentioned more than once so he turned the shower on to drown them both out. 

“…. ALWAYS SO  _ RUDE _ TO HIM STUART AND…”

“I’M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU BRUV!”

Dropping his clothes on the floor in an untidy pile, Ben set his glasses on the bathroom cabinet and fumbled his way towards the bathtub; thankfully his hearing aid was fine to wear in the shower otherwise he’d be left feeling pretty vulnerable. Hopping into the shower Ben shivered slightly whilst he waited for the water to adjust until it was piping hot and then quickly huddled underneath it. Heat washed over him and Ben felt instantly relieved because he  _ hated _ being cold which he supposed was down to living in a very hot country for most of his life and in his mind the hotter the better. In a throwback to his army days, Callum could jump in a cold shower without even flinching which Ben found the prospect of slightly horrifying and refused point-blank to join him even when Callum insisted it was “good for your skin”.

He was so engrossed in his shower that he didn’t hear the bathroom door open and Ben jumped slightly when a pair of large hands rested on his hips from behind; kneading into the soft flesh of his arse. Then Callum was kissing his way down the side of his neck before, carefully, pulling Ben around to face him. Not having his glasses on meant that there was just a Callum shaped blob in front of him and he squinted slightly through the fast-flowing water.

“Didn’t say I was done with you yet did I?” Callum growled as he lunged for Ben again.

They were both hard again and Callum had that dark,  _ hungry _ look in his eye that made Ben’s knees go weak. 

“Again?” he purred as he moved away from Callum; his back abruptly hitting the shower wall.

A nod was all he got before Callum was pinning him up against the tiles by his wrists and kissing him furiously. Water was sloping all over the floor but it went unnoticed by Ben who was far more interested in Callum’s erection that was rubbing up against his thigh. Freeing his wrists from Callum’s giant hands, Ben wrapped his arms around his neck and almost pulling them both over in his eagerness when he accidentally stood on the bar of soap that had been dislodged by Callum earlier. The shower was way too small for them to be doing stuff like this, especially after last time when Ben had slipped over and almost hit his head on the sink, but they were both too enamoured with each other to care. Thank god Stuart’s football match was still on because they were getting pretty loud by this point and Callum was already lining his cock up to push himself in, but Ben slapped his hand away before he could get any closer.

“You’re too big,” Ben pouted as he pointed an accusatory finger at Callum’s face, “At least warm me up a little first.”

Callum knew full well he couldn’t just shove himself in like that but this was a little bit of a game they played; a bit of back and forth banter before they got onto the main event. 

“I thought I’d already warmed you up enough already,” Callum replied but his hand slid underneath one of Ben’s thighs, guided his foot to rest on the edge of the bathtub and held him in place so he wouldn’t fall. Before Ben could think up a witty retort a long, slender finger was being pushed inside him and he let out a loud gasp whilst Callum smirked at him through the veil of water. Gripping Callum’s forearms to stop himself from slipping over Ben’s eyes practically rolled into the back of his head when yet another finger was pushed inside him. Ordinarily, there would have been more of a build-up to the main event but Ben figured he could suffer through a little bit of pain if it meant Callum fucking him sooner rather than later and he tapped Callum’s arm to signal he was ready. 

“Steady,” Callum cautioned when the slippery bathtub almost got the better of Ben in his haste to turn around so they were in a better position, "Don't want you knocking yourself out." 

Ben clung onto the shower taps for support as Callum fucked him from behind; his load moans almost being drowned out by the sound of the water hitting his back. A large hand left his hip and wrapped itself around the hot, hard flesh of his cock and in no time at all Ben was seeing stars when his orgasm pulsed through his entire body. Panting, he braced himself against the wall once Callum’s hand returned to his hip and he thrust into him hard and fast; his nails digging in almost painfully when his orgasm took over. 

“Mmmmm,” Callum hummed happily as he kissed Ben’s shoulders before carefully pulling out and helping him back up into a standing position. 

They kissed for a bit until the temperature of the water began to drop and Ben watched with interested whilst Callum set about washing his entire body in under a minute which he'd learnt was something they taught you in the army. Then it was his turn to get cleaned up and soft fingers trailed over the scar on his chest where that idiot Hunter had shot him and Ben liked it best when they were in bed together and Callum would place soft kisses across the uneven flesh. Callum then washed his hair for him, his long fingers massaging Bens scalp, before moving onto the rest of him which left Ben feeling sleepy and a lot less stressed than he had been earlier that evening. A puddle of water coated the bathroom floor and Callum helped him climb over the edge of the bathtub so he wouldn’t fall flat on his face. Once he had his glasses back on and everything wasn’t such a big blurry mess Ben stared appreciatively at Callum’s body as he towelled off; he really was  _ very _ fit.

“Stop perving,” Callum scolded but he pulled Ben towards him and began drying him off as well before wrapping him up in the big fluffy dressing gown he’d had taken to leaving at the flat.

Reaching up on his tiptoes Ben kissed him on the lips; laughing loudly when Callum wrapped his arms around his waist and picked him up. They’d done it standing up like this once and Callum’s thighs proved to be more than capable of holding them both upright.

“Bed?” he asked and Ben nodded earning himself another kiss before Callum set him back down on his feet.

Once he’d thrown down some towels to mop up the water on the floor, Callum put his pants and t-shirt back on and led them both out of the stuffy bathroom and back into the living room. 

"GET IN THERE!!! YES!! YEEESSSS!" Stuart screamed; leaping up from the sofa as one of the players on his team scored a goal. 

Ben didn't see the point in football and in his opinion the sports only redeeming quality was those tight shorts the players got to run around in. Callum, on the other hand, was quite into it and the match caught his attention for a few minutes which left Ben hovering awkwardly at his side. The volume of the TV combined with the screaming of the crowd was causing the resurgence of his headache from earlier and pain was already shooting through the base of his skull. Stuart was bellowing something about league tables and away games so loudly that Ben found he was rubbing his temples with both hands in an attempt to soothe himself. 

"Come on," Callum whispered and he caught hold of Ben's hand and steered him in the direction of the bedroom only for Stuart to call out to them from his spot on the sofa.

“Enjoy yourselves in their did ya lads?” he guffawed without taking his eyes off the TV, “I had to turn the volume up three times!”

He then mimed something crude and unfortunately accurate about their time in the shower and Ben could feel his patience wearing even thinner. If Callum had been in there with a girl Stuart wouldn’t be laughing at him or making stupid hand gestures. He'd be patting him on the back and demanding a detailed rundown of exactly what his brother had been up to. 

“Where you listening to us on purpose?” he demanded as he pulled his hand free and folded his arms across his chest while Callum glanced nervously between the pair of them.

“Well, it’s a bit hard not to with all that noise you were making!” Stuart jeered and Ben could feel himself getting increasingly wound up, “Right little goer you’ve got there bruv!”

Callum flushed bright red and Ben hated that he was getting embarrassed about simply having sex with his boyfriend in his  _ own _ flat or rather bathroom. It wasn’t like nobody had ever heard them having sex before but this didn’t feel like the gentle teasing that Jay and Lola did; Stuart was mocking them and Ben had enough of that to last him a lifetime. 

“Leave off Stuart,”� Callum said wearily already stepping in before Ben could tell Stuart to go fuck himself, “It’s late and I can’t be doing with any more arguments.”�

Normally Ben would be insisting that wasn’t him that was the one causing all the arguments but when he caught sight of Callum’s tired and agitated face he decided against it. Stuart was grinning smugly at him from behind Callum’s back and Ben knew enough to know that he wasn’t going to win this fight this time around.

“I’m going to bed,” he grumbled and he headed into the bedroom without waiting to see if Callum would follow him. 

“Oh, Callum!” Stuart cried; putting on a high pitched voice in what was supposed to be an imitation of Ben, “Caaallluuuuum!”�

Slamming the bedroom door shut loudly Ben threw himself onto the bed and tried to ignore the sounds of Callum and Stuart having a heated exchange next door. He had half a mind to charge back out there and inform Stuart just exactly how good his baby brother was at sucking dick and give a very detailed account of the time Callum had fucked him over the table that Stuart ate his breakfast off. Making straight people uncomfortable was somewhat of a speciality of Bens and usually antagonising Stuart about gay sex would be something he'd live for but he didn't want to be the source of any further upset Callum so he decided against it. The yelling from next door was getting worse now and Ben couldn't help but overhear a few snippets of what was said.

"I WAS ONLY MUCKING ABOUT BRUV!" Stuart shouted over the TV, "IT AIN'T MY FAULT YOUR FELLA CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!"

"IT AIN'T A JOKE WHEN YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF US LIKE THAT," Callum fired back which made Ben feel rather proud at just how far his boyfriend had come, "AND THIS IS MY FLAT SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN LEAVE!"

They’d been having such a good time together and he'd finally been able to forget all the horrible stuff with his dad from earlier only for Stuart to come along and spoil it. Now Ben was back to feeling stressed and agitated and a monumental headache thumping angrily behinds eyes. 

Everything he did was wrong lately and now Stuart and Callum were arguing... why couldn't something just be easy for him for once?

Rubbing the heel of his hands into his eyes Ben ground his teeth in frustration as the voices from the other room began to rise once more. They'd moved onto Rainie now and how Callum had turned a blind eye when Stuart had essentially kidnapped her and Ben rolled over; shoving his face into the pillow. 

Sometime later it went finally went quiet and Ben heard the bedroom open and shut quietly. 

“Sorry about that,”� Callum said and the bed dipped as he came and laid down next to Ben, “Stuarts just being well, Stuart I suppose!”

Ben grunted in response and remained face down in the pillow even when Callum's giant hands began rubbing soothing circles on his back. 

The relationship between Callum and his brother was still a work in progress and Ben didn't want to be the one that ruined all that so he rolled over instead; stretching himself over Callum like a cat. A pair of long arms instantly enveloped him causing Ben to let out a peaceful sigh and he could have quite happily stayed like this forever.

“I like it when you’re loud,” Callum whispered after a moment or two and Ben couldn’t help but blush, “Turns me on knowing I’m making you feel  _ that _ good.” 

Ben looked up at him but before he could say anything Callum gave him a small smirk before swooping down to kiss him. 

“Good, cus next time we do it when he’s here I’m gonna scream my head off,” Ben informed him and Callum burst out laughing at the deadly serious look on his face.

“Do whatever you want babe; I’ll buy Stu some earplugs next time I go past the market,” he said whilst Ben silently plotted just how loud he was going to be and the absolute filth he was going to say to Callum whilst they were having sex. Truth be told he'd been ecstatic to find out that Callum also had a pretty dirty mouth on him when they'd first doing anything sexual and he should probably consider that next time he wanted to annoy Stuart. 

They laid in each other's arms for a bit with Callum gently rubbing the nape of Ben's neck until Stuart's incessant shouting at the TV finally stopped and everything went silent. It was late and after so many nights of broken, restless sleep Ben was finally starting to feel like he might get some sleep tonight. There was just something about Callum that made him feel so endlessly safe and secure, even when he was fast asleep. 

“I’ll make us some cocoa then we can turn in,”� Callum offered as he stood up and stretched which left Ben able to crawl under the blankets and get settled, “Even got some of those marshmallows you like to pretend only Lexi eats.”�

"I think you'll find it's not me that me that eats them; it's Twinkle the King of the Fairies," Ben corrected as he tried to stifle a huge yawn, "And he only eats them when he gets woken up by the snoring giant that lives in the forest with him."

"I don't snore," Callum muttered but he was smiling at Ben in that soft way of his, just like he had when he'd first overheard Ben telling Lexi a bedtime story about the family of fairies that lived in Callum's flat. 

"Course you don't babe," Ben but this time he was unable to stop himself from yawning which prompted Callum to wrap all the blankets around him and tuck him in like Ben usually did with Lexi. 

"Be back in a few," Callum told him; leaning over to kiss him on the forehead before he left the room. 

Burrowing into his cocoon of blankets, Ben desperately tried to stay awake as he listened to Callum moving around the kitchen but the bed felt so soft and warm he could barely keep his eyes open. The sex had done the trick and he no longer felt weird or on edge, like he had done earlier on in the evening. Tiredness was beginning to take over him through but thankfully in what seemed like no time at all Callum was back with two mugs and some painkillers.

"There you go Twinkle," Callum said as he handed Ben a steaming mug of hot chocolate with the aforementioned marshmallows sprinkled on top, "That's the last of em so you'll have to find something else to eat if you go looking for another midnight snack." 

Blowing on the steam he took a sip; warmth spreading through him and Ben found himself yawning widely once more. Callum's presence, the softness of the blankets and the cocoa were making all his worries of today fall behind and his eyes slowly began to slip close. Thankfully Callum had already curled up next to him and caught hold of the mug before it slipped from his hand and made a mess of the duvet cover.

“You tired?” Callum asked softly whilst his hand softly stroked Bens cheekbone and then up into his hair to massage his scalp, “Not been sleeping well lately have you?”

“Mmmm,”� Ben murmured as he leant further into Callum’s hand and was rewarded with more petting.

It must have shown on his face how tired he was because Callum looked at Ben thoughtfully for a moment before leaning over and softly kissing his forehead. 

“Night babe,” he whispered and he gently removed Bens glasses and set them on the nightstand before turning the bedside lamp off. Ben mumbled something unintelligible in response as he curled up around Callum’s warm body and feel into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	4. Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum and Ben take Lexi to the swimming Pool, Lola and Callum have a heart to heart about Ben and Callum runs into Phil on his way home from the chip shop…

_"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep"_

"RELIGHT MY FIIIIIIRRREEE! YOUR LOOOOOVE IS MY ONLY DESSSIRE!!"

"Stu," Callum mumbled as he dragged his duvet cover over his head, "Shuddup!"

"RELIGHT MY FIIIIIIIREEEE!" Stuart screamed as he banged out the rhythm to the song on the bedroom door, "CAUSE I NEEEED YOUUUR LOOOOOVEEE!"

Letting out a loud groan Callum rolled over; burying his face into his pillow to try and drown out the noise coming from the front room. Being woken up by your brother singing loudly and off-key to Take That wasn’t exactly the Saturday morning wake-up he'd been hoping for and he had to endure a further ten minutes before Stuart finally shut up and he was left in blessed silence. 

"Thank god for that," Callum muttered as he reached out for Ben, only to find the side of the bed his boyfriend usually occupied disappointingly empty. 

Ben hadn't stayed over last night or the night before that and Callum was willing to bet the reason for that was currently belting out the rest of Take That's greatest hits in the bathroom. That meant no early morning cup of tea being brought to him in bed either Callum thought moodily; pulling the covers all the way up to his chin for some extra warmth. Callum was very much a morning person and would usually bounce out of bed ready and raring to go much to Ben's annoyance who, despite having to wake up early to do the school run or a call out, was pretty grumpy in the mornings. Weekends were different though and Callum would wrap his long legs around Ben like an octopus; demanding that he stay put and snuggle with him a bit longer. Or they’d have sex which Callum personally felt was a great way to start the day even if it was just an early morning blow job before work or slow, sleepy lovemaking on a Sunday morning. 

Thinking about Ben all warm and naked tucked up against him like he usually was, was making Callum feel horny but his morning erection seemed a bit pointless without Ben to have some fun with. Since they’d been together Ben had taught him lots of new things, including how to sext ever since the incident when Ben had asked him to send him a picture and Callum had replied with a photo of a funny-looking potato he’d found. It still made him cringe when he thought about that especially when Ben had replied and Callum got the gist pretty quickly that a picture of a potato wasn't  _ exactly _ what his boyfriend had had in mind. So he  _ could  _ see if his boyfriend was in the mood this early in the morning for some non-food-related imagery but after giving it some thought Callum ultimately decided against it. He knew from experience that sometimes Lexi would come into Bens room in the morning, having once woken up to her climbing over him so she and Fluffy, her stuffed rabbit, could crawl in next to her dad. Ordinarily, Callum wouldn’t have minded but they’d had sex the night before and unlike Ben, he’d fallen asleep before he could his pants back on and he’d been mortified; terrified Lola or Kathy was going to call child services on him should he accidentally expose himself. Now he made it a point to make sure he was fully clothed before he went to sleep and the last thing he wanted was for Lexi to see a very un-child friendly picture of him on her dad's phone. 

Unfortunately, that didn’t solve the problem of his erection so Callum rolled onto his back and lazily began to touch himself; his mind full of Ben and his pretty eyes and soft lips. Before coming out he’d barely even masturbated in a desperate bid to try and repress his sexuality even further. The blokes in the Army would always make jokes about who was in their "wank bank" and Callum would play along and pick the name of whatever actress popped into his head first just so he wouldn't be caught out. He’d thought losing his virginity to Whitney might finally make everything better and rid him of all these confusing feelings that he was so determined not to have. For a while, it had worked and Callum had breathed a bit easier and tried to ignore the fact that every time they had sex he was beginning to hate it more and more. Sex with your partner was supposed to bring you closer together but Callum only ever felt an even deeper sense of loneliness and ultimately embarrassment that he could barely maintain an erection no matter how hard he tried too. Then Ben had come along and it was like a rocket had gone off inside Callum and from their first kiss to the first time they'd had sex everything just felt so  _ good  _ and Ben was right; this was what he was born to do. 

Sighing happily to himself Callum increased his strokes as his mind wandered back to the last time Ben had stayed over and given him a truly  _ amazing _ blow job in the kitchen whilst Stuart had been only a few feet away in the shower. In contrast to when he was with Whitney, Callum wanted to try  _ everything  _ with Ben and had been very eager to fully explore his sexuality despite not having much, or any really, experience. He’d never even brought his own condoms before and he hadn’t meant to leave everything up to Ben but having an active sex life was still very new to Callum. There had been a few times where they were almost at the point of no return and Callum would ask Ben for a condom only to be met with a blank stare.

"We're in your house babe," Ben had grumbled whilst Callum had pulled out the entire contents of his bedside table trying to find one, "I thought you'd have your own by now."

In the end, Ben had taken pity on him and told him which brand of lube was the best and to buy whatever type of condoms he liked. The problem was Callum didn’t even realise there  _ were  _ different types of condoms and that had led to him standing in the supermarket staring at all the different brands for an embarrassingly long amount of time. In the end, he’d just grabbed whatever he thought looked good and hoped for the best, not realising that condoms came in different  _ sizes _ as well which led to another awkward, and painful, incident the next time they had sex.

“Babe these are too small for you,” Ben had explained to him kindly when he tried to unsuccessfully roll the condom onto Callum for the third time, “You need something bigger or its gonna hurt.”

It turns out there was plenty you could do without a condom and once they were finished Ben had cuddled up next to him and gone through all the different brands, textures and sizes of condoms available; promising to go with him next time so he wouldn’t get overwhelmed. He'd been very excited about "popping Callum's condom cherry" which in turn made Callum feel a lot less embarrassed about the whole thing. Ben had never made fun of his inexperience and had always been very patient when explaining something or showing Callum what to do and getting Callum to voice his likes and dislikes when it came to their sex life; a sharp contrast to when he was with Whit and he just laid there hoping for the best. 

Once he’d finished, feeling warm and satisfied, Callum cleaned himself up with some tissues and then grabbed his phone off the nightstand to text Ben. 

** Morning! **

** Missed u last night xx **

Hesitating, Callum debated if he should send another message asking Ben if he’d slept ok but in the end decided to leave it alone. Bens sleeping pattern or lack of, over the past few weeks had been troubling, to say the least, and it annoyed Callum that he  _ still _ hadn’t gotten to the bottom of it. Some nights Ben barely slept or if he did, he fidgeted constantly and Callum had been kicked awake more times than he could count. Stroking Ben’s back like you would a small baby to lull him back to sleep or stroking his hair usually worked or at the very least he got kicked less. When he’d asked what was wrong Ben had brushed it off as stress from work and having to run two business so, believing him, Callum had left it alone. Then came the nightmares.

The first time it had happened they’d gone to bed as normal after watching a few episodes of Game of Thrones only for Callum to be jolted awake in the middle of the night by Ben, who was shouting out in his sleep. 

“Ben, Ben BEN!” he'd called out as he tried to rouse him, “Wake up; you’re just having a bad dream darling.” 

Thankfully Ben had woken up pretty quickly and calmed down after only a couple of minutes so they’d gone back to sleep and Callum had thought it was just a one-off. However, over the next few weeks, the nightmares had gotten worse and worse to the point where it was very distressing watching Ben cry out in his sleep almost every other night and Callum now struggled to wake him up. 

Worryingly “STOP IT!” and "GET OFF!" was what Ben kept shouting the most and in the end, Callum had to resort to physically shaking him until he finally woke up screaming so loudly that Stuart had come crashing through the door; fearful that one of them was being murdered. 

“Shhhh shhhhhh shhhhh; it’s alright,” Callum had said reassuringly whilst Ben clung onto him for dear life, “You were just having a bad dream.”

It was horrible. Bens cheeks were wet and his body had been bathed in a cold sweat with the sheets twisted around his limbs from where he’d been thrashing in his sleep. It hadn't helped that Stuart had stood there awkwardly watching them whilst Ben's heart pounded against his chest like a jackhammer until he’d eventually taken the hint and gone back to bed. Callum had done his best to soothe him, remind him that he’d just had a bad dream, but Ben had let out a frightened cry and buried his face into Callum’s side; his whole body shaking as he burst into tears. It had taken ages for them to settle back down and it wasn’t until the early hours of the morning that Callum eventually fell asleep. 

“It’s just those stupid horror films I watched with Jay,” Ben had mumbled when Callum brought it up the whole nightmare situation with him the next day over breakfast, “Sorry I woke you up.”

The nights were quiet after that but Ben still looked tired and had nodded off in front of the telly after dinner more than once so Callum wasn’t entirely sure he was even sleeping at all. Taking matters into his own hands he’d decided to have a word with Jay; the films were causing Ben some distress but perhaps he was just a little bit embarrassed to mention it. 

“What horror films?” Jay had said when he brought it up with him in the parlour a few days previously, “Me and Ben just watch Bake Off together or Drag Race; blinding lip-synch battle they had last night by the way.”

That had stumped him because now Ben was lying to him about whatever it was he was dreaming about which Callum was trying not to be too upset about but it hurt knowing his boyfriend didn’t feel comfortable opening up to him. This wasn’t some horror movie meltdown and Callum knew enough from his own night terrors that there was clearly something upsetting Ben despite his reluctance to talk about it. Whatever it was, it had something to do with Phil that much he was sure of but he just couldn’t figure out  _ what _ and Ben kept brushing him off whenever he brought it up. In the end, there wasn’t much more he could do until Ben was ready to talk to him so Callum decided to keep an eye on him and try to keep their bedtime routine as calm and relaxed as possible. Just as he was mulling all this over, his phone pinged with a reply from Ben and Callum excitedly grabbed for his phone; he missed Ben like  _ crazy  _ when he wasn't with him. 

** Morning :) **

** Lex has been up since six  **

** She’s dead excited so prepare yourself to deal with my hyperactive child today! **

** x **

The infamous words “I’ve got a daughter” hadn’t fully registered with Callum at the time; he’d been too busy spiralling into panic mode about someone finally figuring out that he was gay. It wasn’t until days later and after he’d stormed round to the car lot still deep in denial to have it out with Ben, that Callum had even been aware of Lexi’s existence. It all seemed so bizarre now because he was so fond of that little girl but at the time he just hadn't been able to process anything else aside from panic he was about to be outed. He'd been walking towards the Arches to have it out with Ben again, undecided if he wanted to shout at Ben or kiss him, when he heard the pitter-patter of footsteps behind him.

“DADDY!” a little voice had shouted and Callum had ducked behind a wall as a small blonde girl had gone zooming past him closely followed by Lola. 

Then he'd watched as Ben had scooped his daughter up and swung her around; smothering her with kisses much to Lexi’s delight. 

“Can you watch her for a bit?” Lola asked as she handed over Lexi’s schoolbag once Ben had put her back on the ground, “I’ve got a nail emergency that needs sorting and Denise asked me to work extra for this hen party that's coming in.”

“What’s a nail emergency when it’s at home?” Ben asked whilst Lexi tugged on his hand; desperate to play in the playground. 

“It means some poor cow’s acrylics got messed up when she was down the bingo hall,” Lola explained as Lexi continued to bounce about exuberantly between them, “And you ain’t going out tonight neither cus I need to practice my nail art again and if you say no I’ll show everyone that video of you and Lex dancing about to Little Mix.”

“Fine,” Ben sighed whilst Lola grinned smugly at him, “What do you say Lex; McKlunky’s and Tangled whilst mummy pretends to be Picasso?”

Lexi gave a loud cheer and after Lola had headed off Callum watched from the safety of his wall as Ben abandoned the car he’d been working on and they headed off hand in hand for the playground confused as to why he’d been wishing he was down there with Ben instead of at home with his girlfriend. That was when he’d seen the  _ real  _ Ben; the one that was sweet, vulnerable and kind and completely doted on his daughter. The one that hid behind a pretty mask of bolshy bravado, sarcastic comments and acted like he didn’t care about anyone or anything but himself. It had been seeing Ben with Lexi that had made Callum realise that his already growing feelings for Ben went far deeper than simply thinking he was cute to look at and it had  _ terrified _ him. Ben and Lexi represented a family and Callum wanted that, he wanted it so  _ badly _ but just  _ not _ with Whitney; he wanted to be with a man. Unfortunately coming to that realisation and seeing what he could have if he was brave enough to take that final leap had sent him even further into the closet and Callum had clung desperately to Whitney and forced himself to believe that they were meant to be together. That all felt like a lifetime ago now and Callum didn’t have to lie to himself anymore; he’d finally found his family with Ben, Lexi, Lola and Jay. 

Deciding it was finally time to get up, Callum threw the covers off, sat up and stretched before picking out a clean t-shirt and pair of jeans to wear for the day. After a quick shower, he headed out into the thankfully deserted kitchen was deserted and set about making himself a cup of tea and stuck a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. It was typical that on the days that Ben didn’t stop over Stuart wasn’t anywhere to be found and sometimes Callum wondered if his brother’s continuous interruptions on their private time were on purpose. Whilst he loved his brother, their relationship was still very much in a state of repair and Callum didn’t want to think too badly of Stuart but he’d had to address his attitude towards Ben several times now. After Stuart's last interruption Ben had barely stayed over at all and Callum could tell he was beginning to get worn down by the whole thing. 

“All right bruv?” Stuart said as he ambled out of his bedroom and sat himself down at the table, “What you doing up so early?”

Leaning over he stole the rest of Callum's toast; grinning widely when Callum let out a huff of annoyance. He’d been most pleased last night to find out that Ben wasn’t staying over and they’d ended up having a couple of cans together whilst they watched the football. It had been fun spending one on one time with his brother but then Stuart had gone and ruined it by grabbing his phone off him when he was texting Ben and refusing to give it back. It was all a big joke to Stuart but Callum had had enough by that point and gone to bed in a sulk. 

“I’m going with Ben and Lexi to the swimming centre,” Callum explained as he picked up his clean towel that he left out the night before and stuffed it into his rucksack, “Lexi’s up for her Puffin award next week so Ben wants her to have a bit more practice swimming lengths and I said I’d help out.”

“Puffin award?” Stuart scoffed; already looking annoyed at Ben being mentioned so early in the morning, “What’s that when it’s at home?”

“It’s a swimming badge. Lexi’s already got her Seahorse and her Crab one,” Callum explained remembering how excited Lexi was to show them her Crab certificate when he’d gone with Ben to pick her up from school, “Once she’s got her Puffin award she can practice in the deep end.”

“Right,” Stuart muttered not sounding very interested at all, “Do you wanna come to watch the rugby with me and Stevo this afternoon down at the Nags Head? Should be a good match!”

“Sorry, Stu but it’s kind of an all-day thing,” Callum told him awkwardly and his brother munched moodily on his toast, clearly annoyed that Ben was going to be taking up all of Callum’s time today, “We're going to that children’s cafe, the one that's decked out like a rainforest, after and I said I’d stay over at Ben’s tonight.”

Lexi had been very excited to learn that Callum would be spending the entire day with her and her dad and Callum had been the one that suggested the Rainbow Cafe; it had been number one on the list of “Top Ten Restaurants to Take Kids To”. Ben had told him off for spoiling her but Callum could tell how much it meant to him that he’d gone to the trouble to think about something that Lexi would enjoy. 

“Why’d you wanna get yourself tied down with someone who’s got a kid?” Stuart asked as he watched Callum pack up the rest of his things, “You should be out enjoying yourself not playing babysitter.”

“I  _ am _ enjoying myself,” Callum said defiantly causing Stuart to let out a snort of derision, “Lexi’s a great little kid and I like spending time with her and Ben.”

When Ben had first mentioned Callum being introduced to Lexi properly, Callum had been petrified that Lexi wouldn’t like him and that his relationship with Ben would have ended before it had even properly begun; Ben had been very clear that his daughter always came first and Callum had the utmost respect for that. They’d taken it slowly, to begin with, and when Ben and Lola had taken Lexi to the big playground near Walford Common to teach her how to jump rope Callum had been "just passing through" and joined them. He’d only stayed for half an hour so as not to overwhelm her and it seemed to go ok; Lexi had found it very funny when Callum had tried to coordinate his giant body in time with the skipping rope. Then he’d gone round for tea at the Beales one evening and helped Lexi with her colouring in whilst Kathy got the food ready. They'd carried on like that for a bit with Callum being “Daddy’s Special Friend” until Lexi had piped up at the dinner table that she’d seen “Callum kissing daddy like Uncle Jay kisses mummy” and Callum had almost choked on his roast chicken in embarrassment. 

“I’m just saying you don’t want to find yourself stuck at home with the kid whilst he’s off out partying,” Stuart said whilst Callum resumed packing his bag, “You’re gonna get taken advantage of and-“

“ _ Nobody _ is taking advantage of me!” Callum snapped; utterly fed up with Stuart trying to control his life once again and for not even bothering to say Lexi’s name correctly, “Ben don’t even let me look after Lexi by myself and even when I picked her up from school that time it was just to drop her round at Kathy's.”

Lexi hadn’t even been over to the flat yet and whenever they spent family time together it was always at the Beales house or they went out somewhere. However, there had been talk of adding Callum’s name to the pickup list at Lexi’s school and Ben had casually mentioned more than once about a family holiday later in the year which Callum was secretly hoping he’d be invited on. He'd even thought about maybe one day having Ben and Lexi round for tea with him and Stuart but judging by his brother's current attitude that seemed less likely to happen. Why couldn’t Stuart see how happy Ben made him? He’d never brought up any of Rainie’s past indiscretions even though he had every right to because he could see how much Stuart cared about her. Plus it wasn’t so long ago that Stuart was playing house with baby Abi; why was Callum wanting to spend time with his boyfriend's daughter any different? 

“Look, Stu,-” he began only to be cut off by Stuart's phone ringing. 

“Hey Stevo,” Stuart said loudly into his phone whilst Callum clenched his teeth in annoyance, “Nah it's just me and you for the rugby cus Callum has to babysit his boyfriend's kid today.”

“ _ Fine _ ; be an arsehole and don’t bother asking me to help you look after baby Abi again!” Callum snapped; snatching up his bag and stomping out of the flat. 

When he made it round to the Beale house Lexi was colouring-in at the kitchen table but there was no sign of Ben or the rest of the family. He knew that Lola was busy all day with some sort of nail thing at a hen-do but Callum would have liked a chat with Bobby just to see how he was getting on.

“All right Lex?” he said he put his bag on the table and sat down next to her, “You excited about swimming later?” 

“Hello Callum,” Lexi said as she gave him a big wide smile and it was then that Callum noticed one of her front teeth was missing, “Daddy pulled my wobbly tooth out this morning so it wouldn’t fall out in the swimming pool.”

“Ohhh,” was all Callum could think of to say; glad that teeth pulling duties were reserved for Ben and Ben only, “Where’s your dad?”

“Upstairs trying to find my swimming costume. Nanny told him off because you and him were being noisy last time you stayed over,” Lexi informed him and Callum flushed bright red. 

Having never had a relationship until the grand old age of twenty-eight Callum had missed out on a lot of “social norms” and staying over at the Beales was a lot different to what he’d expected it to be like. Should he act like he normally did around Ben? Was touching allowed? It turned out that he didn't have too much to worry about in the end; Kathy was beside herself that her son had finally “got a steady” and practically rolled out the red carpet for him. However, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t incredibly nervous the first time he’d actually  _ slept _ over and had still tried to remain respectful of everyone's boundaries despite Ben telling him he was being "weird". It was the realisation that they'd be having sex whilst Ben's mother slept a few doors down that had gotten to him and Callum had barely closed the bedroom door when Ben pounced on him; knocking him backwards onto the tiny double bed. 

“We can’t do it here,” Callum had hissed whilst Ben continued to sit on top of him and he had to bat his hands away to stop Ben from unbuckling his jeans.

“Why not?”

“Your mums here!”

“So? She’s not going to come in and watch!” Ben told him and he was already leaning over Callum and rummaging around in his bedside draw for a condom, “Besides; she wears earplugs when she goes to bed cus of Ian’s snoring.”

“Ok but-” Ben had cut him off by kissing him and he really never could say no and they’d done it quietly, or as quietly as they could, with the sounds of Ian’s loud snoring coming from the other room. He’d been a lot more at ease after that and would often pop by the Beale house unannounced for a cuppa with Kathy or a catch up with Bobby.

“Do you want to see my drawing?” Lexi asked as she slid her brightly coloured picture over to him and Callum scooted closer so he could see it; his embarrassment subsiding for the moment. 

“That’s you,” she said as she pointed to tallest stick figure that was holding hands with a slightly smaller one, “That's daddy and that's me with our dog.”

Interestingly the stick dog was a lot bigger and placed more prominently than stick Callum, Ben or Lexi and Callum couldn’t help but smile; Lexi was  _ desperate  _ for a dog. There was also a big, brightly coloured house up in the corner that the stick family all lived in and Callum’s mind started to fill up with thoughts of one day that stick house turning into a real house… 

“Has the dog got a name?” Callum asked her; nudging her conspicuously and Lexi let out a loud giggle.

“What are you two giggling about?” 

It was Ben; one arm full of Lexi's swimming stuff and the other holding his phone away from his ear. Dumping the armful of towels on the table he leant down to kiss the top of Lexi's head before giving Callum a soft kiss hello. 

“Nothing,” Callum muttered sheepishly causing Lexi to start giggling again.

“Hmmm,” Ben said suspiciously but he turned his attention back to his phone call leaving Callum to admire the new sparkly hair clips Lexi had in her hair that she wanted to show him. Lexi has very much a girlie-girl which was another thing Callum had to get used to after being surrounded by toxic masculinity all his life. A few days after Lexi had made her diner table announcement a handwritten note had been slipped under his door inviting him to a Princess Party and Callum had found himself sat next to Ben with a sparkly tiara on his head whilst they watched all three versions of Cinderella. 

“… the pink one that she wore on holiday… yeah, I’ve checked there and it ain’t in there,” Ben was saying as he pulled open the washing machine door and looked inside and Callum assumed he must be talking to Lola, “Right I’ll check there then… I’ll call you when we go get some grub… bye, Lo.” 

He headed off out into the hallway and Callum did his best to entertain Lexi and pretend he couldn't hear the muffled swearing that came when what sounded the entire contents of the airing cupboard fell on Ben's head. 

"DADDY YOU'RE SAYING BAD WORDS!" Lexi shouted out, "THAT MEANS I GET TEN POUNDS FOR MY PIGGY BANK!" 

"CALL IT FIVE AND I'LL BUY YOU AN ICE CREAM LATER!" Ben called back and Callum couldn't help but laugh at the serious look on Lexi's face as she mulled over the offer.

"Ok," she chirped when Ben came back into the room with a handful of clothing. 

"Gonna bleed me dry by the time you're a teenager," Ben mock scolded as he pulled his wallet out and handed over a five-pound note, "Go on; go stick that in your piggy bank."

“Alright?” Callum asked with a little smile as he tried not to think about how fit Ben looked in his polo top and jeans whilst Lexi skipped off upstairs.

“Yeah,” Ben said, “Apart from Mum keeps tidying stuff away that doesn’t need to be tidied; I found this in the back of the airing cupboard instead of Lexi’s draw.”

He held up a bright pink swimming costume that could only belong to Lexi, a pair of what Callum recognised with horror as his own pants and one of Bobby's prayer shawls. Snatching his underwear out of a laughing Ben's hand he stuffed them into his backpack just in time for Lexi to come bounding back down the stairs. 

“Right then Misses; I’ll do your hair and then we’ll get going ok?” Ben said as he picked up Lexi’s hairbrush from the table and directed her to stand in front of him as he gathered up all he long blonde hair, "Mummy said you wanted plaits..."

“I  _ don’t _ want my hair to get wet,” Lexi told him boldly as she began to fidget and Callum was strongly reminded of Ben when a punter tried to scrounge a discount on a motor, “And  _ don’t _ do them wonky like last time daddy.”

“Excuse me young lady but I think you’ll find that your old dads been practising,” Ben said as he began to section off parts of her hair and weaving them about in a slightly haphazard fashion, "Callum can be in charge of your hair bobbles."

Lexi handed Callum some bright pink hair bows and then immediately began a practising a complicated-looking dance routine whilst singing a Little Mix song which left Callum able to have a quick word with Ben undisturbed.

“Lexi said your mum was cross with us for making noise last time,” he hissed whilst Lexi was distracted with her dancing, “I  _ told _ you we couldn’t do  _ that  _ with a house full of people!” 

“Oh come on babe you’re not that loud!” Ben said with a laugh as he continued trying to plait Lexi’s hair whilst she flitted about in front of him, “She meant when we fell asleep with the daft action film on you made me watch!”

"Oh," Callum muttered; giving Ben a playful swat on the arm when he stuck his tongue out at him. 

"Might get you to crank up the volume later on tonight when we-"

"Shhh!" Callum hissed even though Lexi was far too engrossed in her dancing to be made aware of her dad's cheesy innuendos.

It was funny watching Ben concentrate so carefully on getting Lexi's hair exactly right, with a few directions from the lady herself, and Callum wished that he would let more people see him like this. The kind, soft side of Ben was something Callum was carefully encouraging him to show more of but it was still baby steps at the moment. 

“There, all done! Go get Fluffy baby and then we’ll get going,” Ben told her as Callum handed him the last hair bobble and he finished tying off the bottom of Lexi's braids before sending her upstairs to look for her favourite toy.

Once Lexi was out of sight Callum rose from the table and pulled Ben towards him for a proper kiss good morning and went in for a full snog and bum grope whilst Lexi was safely upstairs. Ben tasted like peanut butter and honey with a slight of toothpaste and his hair felt soft and freshly washed when Callum ran his fingers through it. 

“Hello,” Ben whispered once the kiss broke and they stood in the centre of the Beale living room staring contently at each other for a quiet moment.

Bringing his hands up to Ben's face, Callum gently cupped his cheeks so he could study his boyfriends face carefully; checking for any signs of lack of sleep or stress or anything else that might indicate what was going on inside Ben’s head. Tiredness still lingered but Ben looked to be in a much better mood than he had been during the past fell weeks so Callum decided to try not to worry too much.

“What?” Ben asked as Callum gave him one last look over.

“Nothing,” Callum said as he ran his thumbs over Ben’s cheekbones and kissed him once again, “Just missed my little spoon that's all.”

Callum was  _ always _ the big spoon; his body fitting perfectly around his boyfriends smaller frame and he felt sad not waking up to Ben curled around him like a cat this morning. The feeling was mutual because Ben already wrapping his arms around Callum’s waist and drawing him close so he could nuzzle against his chest. Ordinarily, this would be where Callum would have told Ben  _ exactly  _ how he’d spent his morning, his confidence riding high now he was an out and proud gay man, but something about the way Ben was holding onto him, almost clinging to him, that made him realise that perhaps now wasn’t the time for all that. 

"Ben? Are you sure you're-" 

"COME ON DAD; WE'RE GONNA MISS THE WAVE MACHINE!!" 

Lexi came charging back down the stairs shouting excitedly and proceeded to run around them in circles; Fluffy clenched tightly in her grip. There was no time to discuss anything further what with Lexi so desperate to leave and once they were all packed up the trio headed for the tube station; Lexi’s hand tucked safely inside Ben’s as she skipped along beside Callum.

“Tell Callum the four water safety rules they taught you, baby,” Ben prompted once they’d found some seats on the tube and sat down, "Gotta make sure we're all sticking to the rules."

Callum let out a snort; as if Ben was ever going to stick to the rules.

“Always swim in a safe place, always swim with an adult,” Lexi recited like a pro and Callum couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm, “If you fall in float, breath, relax and if someone else is in trouble call nine, nine nine!"

"That's amazing Lex," Callum told her and she beamed at him, "You'll be the one rescuing me or your dad if we fall in at this rate!"

Now she had an audience, Lexi decided to demonstrate the children's CPR rules her swim teacher had taught her which earnt her a round of applause from her fellow passengers and then moved onto a synchronised swimming dance routine she insisted that Ben help her with once they were in the pool. 

“Did Granddad Phil teach you how to swim daddy?” Lexi asked and Callum glanced up at Ben to see what his reaction would be having his dad brought up. From what Callum had seen Phil didn't spend that much time with Lexi nor did he imagine Mitchell Senior would be rocking up to a Princess Party anytime soon. 

“No, Nan did back when I lived in South Africa,” Ben explained to her and Callum listened eagerly because he still didn’t know much about Ben’s life before he moved back to Walford, “I had to have extra lesson’s cus back then you couldn’t wear hearing aids in water so I had to learn without and mum was petrified I’d drown. It sets me all off balance when I don’t have it in and my coordination was shocking when I was a kid; that’s why mum let me have all the dance lessons.”

Callum had thought that Lola had been joking when she’d told him about Ben’s love of all things musical and dance-related but then he’d seen actual video evidence thanks to Kathy and it had opened up yet  _ another _ layer that Ben kept hidden all to himself. Wanting to find out more he'd began to ask Ben why he'd given up on the dancing when they'd all gone to the Vic for a drink, only for Jay to kick him  _ really _ hard under the table; frantically shaking his head. He'd left it alone after that but having never watched a musical in his  _ life _ , Callum had suggested that they watch some together and Ben had happily agreed once he was sure that he wasn’t being made fun of which Callum had found a little odd. Why would he tease Ben about being into musicals? 

“My grandad taught me but that was only basic stuff,” Callum said when Lexi asked him the same question, “Then in the Army they make you jump in a pool with all your kit on so you have to be a strong swimmer otherwise you'd drow- I mean otherwise you’d sink to the bottom!”

Telling a seven-year-old about the possibility of drowning during an Army training session didn’t sound like a very good idea and Callum was thankful that he caught himself just in time; tailoring his conversation to be around a child was still all very new to him. Nothing got past Lexi though and she began asking Callum about being a soldier, did he have to wear a special uniform and how come he didn’t have dancing lessons like daddy when he was growing up. 

“I didn’t  _ just  _ do dancing,” Ben huffed whilst Callum grinned at him; evidently Ben wasn’t too keen to give up his macho image just yet, “I got sent to football camp when I was eleven but that was because…” 

Suddenly he trailed off and that  _ weird  _ almost frightened __ look that Callum had noticed a few times now ghosted over his face and he instinctively leaned over and took hold of Ben's hand. 

“Ben? You alright?” He’d gone as white as a sheet and his skin was cold and clammy to the touch despite, Callum trying to rub some warmth back into his fingers with his own hands.

"Mmmm?" Ben mumbled; still not looking entirely with it but he seemed to shake himself when he noticed Lexi looking at him curiously, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." 

He pulled his hand away and didn’t say anything else for the remainder of the trip so Callum entertained Lexi with a child-friendly version of his time overseas with the Army and she got incredibly excited when he told her about the special dogs they had in the army. 

“Dogs with magic noses?!” she asked, barely able to contain herself and Callum ended up finding a video for her to watch on his phone that Blue Peter had done about sniffer dogs. He kept glancing over at Ben to try and get him engaged in the conversation but his boyfriend remained staring blankly at the floor; his attention elsewhere. Lexi was asking him another question about where the dogs lived when they weren't working and he spent the rest of the journey looking up more dog videos for her to watch. 

“Lex?” Ben said abruptly as he stood up and looked a lot more like himself as he held out his hand for his daughter, “Come on you two; it’s our stop.”

The swimming centre was only a short walk from the station and once they’d paid for their lockers, Ben went with Lexi into the family changing rooms and Callum headed off to the men's. A slightly stressed looking middle-aged man was arguing with a set of twins boys whilst simultaneously trying to stop his two younger boys from wrestling each other to the ground, and Callum gave him a polite nod before heading over to the corner to get changed. Once he'd found a free locker Callum quickly stripped down and pulled his swimming shorts on; giving himself a quick once over in the mirror before he left. A cacophony of voices and splashes greeted his ears as he made his way out of the changing room and into the brightly lit swimming pool. Callum had never been anywhere like this when he was a kid and his excitement was already building as he took in the brightly coloured slide at one end of the pool, the kids floating about on rubber rings and the massive inflatable island in the middle that a hoard of small children was climbing over. Next to the main pool was a slightly smaller one that housed a huge diving platform at one end but no inflatables or floats so Callum assumed this must be the swimming lesson area. Heading towards it, he quickly spotted Ben at the edge of the pool where he was trying to stuff Lexi's long blonde hair inside a sparkly pink swimming cap.

“There we go,” Ben said as managed to squeeze the last of Lexi’s hair in, “Ain’t no water getting in there baby!”

As he stood back to admire his handiwork Callum couldn’t help but notice that the swimming shorts he had on were the exact same shade of pink as Lexi’s swimming costume and were covered in an array of brightly coloured sea creatures. They were very, uhh, different too what Callum was expecting.

“Nice shorts,” he teased; pointing a particularly lively looking sea horse causing Ben to roll his eyes at him.

“Thanks," he deadpanned whilst Callum decided to take a closer look for research purposes, "Lola got me them when we took Lex to Butlin’s last year. Looked like a right bunch of wally’s all in matching outfits.”

"Mummy has the pictures if you want to see them Callum and the video of daddy falling off his lilo," Lexi informed him happily and Callum let out a loud laugh; he was definitely going to be asking Lola to see the video when they got home.

“You laugh now but Lola will be getting you a pair an all when we go away,” Ben told him but before Callum could mention that he technically hadn’t even invited him on the holiday, Lexi piped up with a question.

“What's that mark on your tummy Callum?” she asked curiously and she pointed to the shrapnel scar that ran across Callum’s abdomen, “Did you get shot like daddy?”

A woman holding a small baby glanced over at them; her eyes going from the bullet wound on Ben’s chest, to the scaring on Callum’s stomach and finally landing on Lexi who was still talking about the time her dad got shot and she edged away from them; shielding her child from view as she went. Ignoring her, Callum turned his attention back to Lexi and Ben who was looking unsure of what to say.

“No I didn’t get shot,” he explained as he knelt next to Lexi, “When I was away with the Army I was helping a family, just like you and your dad, get somewhere safe and I had an accident.”

“Does it hurt?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt,” Callum told her as she continued to look curiously at his stomach, “It just looks a bit funny that's all.”

“I don’t think it looks funny,” Lexi told him and then she pointed over at Ben’s scar, “And now you and daddy have matching marks!”

Callum glanced up at Ben who smiled softly at him; his hand coming to rest on Lexi's shoulder to draw her attention back to him.

“Go put your towel down over there baby,” he said and Lexi skipped off to find a spot for her bright pink towel.

“That was ok wasn’t it?” Callum asked anxiously as he stepped closer to Ben, “I thought it was best just to be honest instead of making something up.”

“That was great babe,” Ben said as he took hold of Callum’s hand and gave it a comforting squeeze, “I should have known she’d ask about your scar... probably should have talked about that before you took your top off!”

He leaned forward and kissed Callum softly on the lips; his fingers brushing softly against the scared flesh in a comforting gesture. The same woman from before made a face like she's sucked a lemon when she saw them kiss and Callum had to stop Ben from giving her the finger.

"DADDY! CALLUM!" Lexi shouted from the edge of the pool and they quickly made their way over to join her.

First, they practised lengths and Callum was dispatched to the edge of the shallow end to stand guard so Lexi wouldn’t accidentally swim into the deep end, whilst Ben swam alongside her shouting encouragement.

“Come on baby!” Ben called as Lexi paddled beside him, “I thought you wanted to be a mermaid?”

She was a good swimmer for her age, better than Callum had been, and he only had to rescue her once or twice when she'd swam too far out. Next, Ben stood at one side of the pool whilst Callum was at the other and they had Lexi swim back and forth between them; Callum giving her a high five whenever she reached him.

“Well done Lex!” he shouted as he sent her paddling back towards Ben, “You’re doing great!”

They did a few more laps until Lexi's attention began to wane and she became more interested in the "fun" pool on the opposite side and Ben had to scoop her up out of the water.

“Daddy can we go on the slide?!” she asked excitedly; pointing to giant brightly coloured inflatable at the end of the pool.

“Sure; you don’t mind waiting for a bit do you, babe?” Ben asked Callum as he helped Lexi climb up the steps and out of the pool.

"I'll wait for at the bottom," Callum said and Ben and Lexi headed off in the direction of the children's entrance to the water slide.

Small children on floats started to surround him so Callum hoped out of the pool and made his way down to the far end where the bottom of the slide was. Scanning the crowd he spotted Ben easily, thanks to his swimming shorts, just as he bent over giving Callum a lovely view of his arse as he adjusted Lexi’s swimming hat. It probably wasn’t a good idea to be standing around perving over his boyfriend in a children’s swimming pool, so Callum quickly got back into the pool and refocused his energies on not being hit with one of the pool toys the kids were throwing. The water was a lot warmer here and he hung around the edge of the pool whilst he waited for Ben and Lexi’s turn on the slide. The day had been going amazingly so far and Callum just hoped that Ben approved of the way he’d been with Lexi today; he’d already grown desperately fond of that little girl. Ben and Lexi were at the top now and both waving at him so he eagerly waved back at them; grinning broadly as they both came flying down the slide towards him.

“Again, again!” Lexi shouted whilst Ben spat out a great mouthful of water and then hauled himself out of the pool to take her down the slide once again.

Callum was becoming to realise that there was a lot of repetitiveness when it came to children and he ended up hanging out in the pool by himself for a bit whilst Lexi insisted on going down the slide multiple times. However, he couldn’t help but feel more than a little pleased when Lexi requested for him to take her down the slide next.

“Hold Callum’s hand!” Ben called out to them and Lexi tucked her little hand inside Callum’s as he led her over to the slide. The pool was getting busy now and he held on to Lexi a bit tighter as they made their way through the throngs of people to where the queue for the slide was. He’d noticed Ben getting a few funny looks from some of the mums when they realised he was Lexi’s dad, probably due to how young he was, and Callum noticed the lady with the baby from earlier was giving him a wide berth again.

“Callum,” Lexi asked as he held onto her hand and helped her up the slippery stairs, “Do you think daddy will let me have a puppy?”

“Errrmm maybe ask your mum,” Callum floundered; this wasn’t the first time Lexi had tried to rope him into trying to convince Ben to get her a dog and he didn’t want to be the one to crush her dreams, “But we could ask Mick if you could round and play with Lady Di sometime if you like.”

Lady Di was getting on a bit now and wasn’t as cute as a small, fluffy puppy but Lexi seemed happy enough with his suggestion and chattered away excitedly with the insistence that daddy and Callum take her over to the Carters. It still didn’t quite seem real that he was part of this little misfit family after feeling so lonely for such a long time and Callum could barely keep the smile off his face

“Callum, are you daddy’s boyfriend?” Lexi pipped up suddenly and Callum almost slipped over; his face flushing red.

“Mummy says you are and that’s what Nanny Kathy calls you,” Lexi explained simply and Callum felt his face turn even redder. Whilst he’d had the boyfriend conversation with Ben, and Pam incidentally, he wasn’t sure how much he should explain to Lexi for fear of confusing her. The last thing he wanted to was put his foot in it by saying something he shouldn’t but in the end, he decided to just be honest with her, much like with the conversation about his scar.

“Errrr… ummmm… yeah,” he eventually stuttered out before becoming more confident with his answer, “Yeah; I’m your dad's boyfriend.”

“I knew you were,” Lexi said happily and Callum breathed an inward sigh of relief, “I heard daddy talking about you to Nanny Kathy and that's what he calls you as well. Callum if you and daddy get married can I be a bridesmaid? Can I pick my own dress? Can the puppy be the ring bearer?”

“Lets wave to your dad shall we?” Callum flustered as he desperately tried to steer the conversation away from boyfriends, weddings and puppies, “Look; there he is!”

He pointed down at Ben whose bright pink shorts were highly visible amongst the sea of swimmers and they both waved at him. Then a bored-looking teenage lifeguard was waving them forward and Callum took up his position on the slide next to Lexi; joining in with her excitement as they flew down the slide together. Unfortunately, Callum hadn’t reckoned with just how long his legs were and how short the end of the slide was and he almost knocked Ben over when he reached the end.

“Sorry!” Callum said sheepishly as he fished Ben out of the water and over to where Lexi was eyeing the massive inflatable island in the centre of the pool. Suddenly they were on the move again as Lexi immediately lost interest in the slide and the three of them swam out to the centre of the pool.

“Dad! Come play with me!” she shouted and Ben dutifully went over to and started clambering up the slippery structure with her whilst Callum hovered awkwardly in the water.

“Come on Callum!” Lexi shouted as her little face popped out from behind a blow-up palm tree, “Come play with us!”

“Yeah, come on Callum,” Ben teased as he nimbly made his way along the inflatable bridge in the middle and over to where Lexi was, “Come play with us!”

Unable to say no to either of them Callum dragged himself up onto the inflatable and nearly plunged straight off again when his feet slipped out from underneath him; he wasn’t nearly as graceful on uneven surfaces as Ben and Lexi. Once he was on, Callum quickly realised that you couldn’t be self-conscious when playing with little kids and he threw himself into Lexi’s imaginative play as they navigated the island together. There was an obstacle course in the middle and Lexi insisted that Callum join her so he spent ten minutes crawling about on his hands and knees trying to navigate his way through a cargo net designed for children until he got stuck halfway and Ben almost fell off the inflatable because he was laughing so hard at him.

“Callum your bottom is too big!” Lexi told him as she tried to push him through to the other side which made Ben roar with laughter again.

"Shutup!" Callum hissed at him as he tried to untangle himself but only succeeded in making himself even more stuck.

Once he’d finally stopped laughing, Ben took pity on him and managed to free Callum from the slippery netting without tipping them both back into the water.

"Didn't think the first time I saw you tied up would be in front of a pool full of kids,"Ben muttered cheekily as he helped Callum up into a standing position.

"Oh shutup," Callum huffed but he took Ben's teasing good-naturedly.

After the incident with the cargo net, he was a bit more careful about trying to squeeze himself into places he clearly couldn’t fit but he did have a good laugh when Ben tripped over an inflatable monkey and took a tumble headfirst into the water. Despite being happy to get his own back, Callum wasn’t even sure how he’d missed it and he’d even called out to him when he saw Ben start to slip but it was like his boyfriend couldn’t even hear him.

“You all right?” Callum asked as he helped Ben back up onto the raft, “I did shout out to you…”

“I’m fine,” Ben said shortly, not looking fine at all, but before Callum could say anything else Lexi was calling them over to help her climb up onto the top of an inflatable dinosaur.

After a while, Lexi decided she was getting “wrinkly like Grandad Phil” so they called time on the pool and decided to head over to the Rainbow Cafe for some food. It certainly lived up to its name and Callum felt like he’s was in the middle of the Amazon, not North London, when they came through the door and Lexi let out a great squeal of excitement.

“Daddy look!” she cried as she pointed to a huge animatronic leopard hidden amongst the greenery, “Look, it’s a leopard like Bagheera from the Jungle Book!”

Whilst they waited for their food Lexi told them all about the book she was reading at school, Fantastic Mr Fox, and how “mummy doesn’t do the voices like daddy does” which Callum could see Ben was secretly pleased by. Callum was then treated to a rendition of “What Does the Fox Say?” that Lexi had learnt from Mr Tumble on CBeebies to which he and Ben gave an enthusiastic round of applause to.

“That was great Lex,” Callum told her just as their food arrived to which Lexi let out a big beaming smile, “You’ll have to teach me that when I stay over next.”

“Callum do you still make that funny noise when you sleep?” Lexi asked as Ben handed her over a slice of pizza and some salad, “Nanna Kathy says your almost as bad as Uncle Ian.”

“Told you you snore,” Ben muttered smugly as he pulled his phone out of his pocket whilst Callum tried to convince Lexi that he was just “breathing loudly” only for her to remind him of the time he’d fallen asleep on Ians sofa and Lola had videoed him letting out some pretty hefty snores.

“Hello mummy,” Ben was saying and Callum could almost feel Lola rolling her eyes at him, “I’ve got someone who wants to speak to you… Size? What do you want to know that for? Ok… ok fine. Tell mummy how far you swam today baby.”

He handed the phone over to Lexi who began chattering away animatedly to Lola and then pushed his plate away from him; his food remaining mostly untouched.

“You not hungry?” Callum asked as he pointed at Ben’s barely touched slice of pizza.

“Nah; you have it if you want babe,” Ben said and he tipped the remnants of his meal onto Callum's plate without waiting for an answer, “So Lola’s asked me what size swimming shorts you are… told you wouldn’t be laughing when we all roll up to the beach in Portugal all looking like a right bunch of divs in our matching outfits.

Callum would have liked to have had more of a conversation about why Ben wasn’t eating any of his meal but hearing that he was coming on the family holiday and he was getting matching swimming shorts with the rest of the family pushed all that to one side.

“Portugal?” he asked unable to keep his excitement under control.

“Yes Callum Portugal,” Ben replied with a laugh “Dads got a Villa out there and he said we could use it for a week when Lexi’s off school; you are coming aren’t you?”

“You ain’t asked me yet,” Callum teased, “You could be have been taking anyone with you for all I know!”

“Well, who did you think I was taking with me, Mo Harris?” Ben snorted but he was beginning to fidget awkwardly like he was worried Callum was going be horrified at the very idea of going on holiday with him so Callum decided to take pity on him.

“Go on then,” he prompted as he settled back into his chair looking smug, “Ask me.”

"Ask you what?"

"To go on holiday with you," Callum said as he took a big bite out of Ben's leftover pizza, "Or would you rather go with Big Mo?"

Ben sat up a little straighter in his chair and Callum new in that moment that if he'd asked Ben to jump off a cliff, he happily would have done it.

“Callum Highway,” Ben began with such a serious expression on his face that Callum couldn’t help but burst out laughing, “Would you do me the absolute honour of coming on holiday with me, my daughter and two boring heterosexuals where we’ll all wear matching outfits and get laughed at by the locals.”

“I suppose I can fit you into my schedule,” Callum said with a mock sigh whilst Ben looked slightly affronted that Callum would even suggest he had a better offer, "' Specially if there's a free pair of swimming shorts in it for me."

"You won't be looking so smug when you see the shorts Lola's picked out," Ben grumbled but Callum could tell how pleased he was that Callum had agreed to come with him and the rest of the family.

“Daddy, can I have some ice cream please?” Lexi asked as she handed Ben's phone back to him.

“Eat that first,” Ben instructed as he pointed to her leftover fruit, “Then you can go with our resident ice cream expert over there to get ice cream.”

Callum rolled his eyes at being called an "ice cream expert" but he couldn't hide how much he was looking forward to having his favourite dessert and he eagerly persued the menu to see what flavours they had to offer.

"How can they not have strawberry?!" he exclaimed, ignoring Bens "because it's boring" and reading further down the list, "Ohhh they've got salted caramel and honeycomb and chocolate fudge brownie; sound good Lex?"

"Yes!" Lexi shouted through a mouthful of apple and then she was up out of her chair and pulling Callum towards the dessert counter.

"They've got mint choc chip if you want some," Callum told Ben as he stood up but Ben just shook his head and before he could question him, Lexi was calling for him to come to help her pick a flavour. After that Callum got caught up in explaining to Lexi how ice cream was made but had to backtrack heavily when she got a bit confused about where milk came from.

"It's made from a cows wee-wee?!" she asked looking horrified and he hastily explained the anatomy of a cow much of Ben's delight.

"You mean from a cow's boobies?" Lexi asked with a giggle when Callum made an unfortunate hand gesture and Ben ended up distracting her with a game on his phone before Callum could do any more damage. Once they were both full of ice cream Ben paid the bill, despite Callum insisting it was his treat and headed back to the tube station with Lexi skipping happily between them. The tube was packed with people by this point and Callum ended up crowded down one end of the carriage whilst Ben managed to find a seat for Lexi at the opposite end. They were almost at their stop before Callum managed to fight his way back towards Ben and he found that Lexi’s limitless energy had finally run dry and she had fallen asleep in her dad's lap. Unwilling to wake her up, Ben had to carry her all the way home from the tube station with her head lolling on his shoulder as she slept.

“I’ll take little’n up to bed and then do you wanna get some chips or something?” Ben whispered as he carried Lexi through to the living room, “I can’t be arsed cooking and Lo will be back in a bit and she’s already texted me saying she’s starving.”

“Sure,” Callum told him; privately relieved that he didn’t have to endure any more of Ben’s cooking attempts, “I’ll go stick the kettle on.”

He turned to go into the kitchen and make them both a cup of tea only for Ben to call him back.

"Cal?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for today," Ben said as he adjusted Lexi's weight in his arms, "It really meant a lot to me. To us."

"It meant a lot to me too," Callum said quietly and a soft look passed between them until Ben gave him a shy smile and then made his way up to Lexi's bedroom with her. Heading into the kitchen Callum couldn't keep the smile off his face as he filled the kettle up with water and put it on to boil. Everything about today had been amazing and Callum was so lost in his happy little bubble that he almost leapt out of his skin when the back door banged open.

“Ohhh!” Lola cried out in surprise as she came through into the kitchen dragging her nail technician case in behind her, “What are you doing sat in here on your own Callum?”

“Lexi fell asleep on the way back so Ben’s taken her up to bed,” Callum explained once he got a hold of himself and jumped up to help her with her stuff, “She’s wiped out poor thing!”

“So you’ve not been put off after spending the whole day with her then?" Lola teased as she unzipped her coat and threw it onto the back of one of the dining room chairs, "Cus she can run rings round Ben so you did well to survive!” 

“Yeah, I think I did all right,” Callum told her as he followed her through into the living room unable to keep the smile off his face, “Right little diamond you’ve got there. Tea?”

“Please. Takes after her mum that one!” Lola laughed as she pulled a couple of mugs out from the cupboard and set them down on the countertop, “All though she’s got her dads flair for the dramatics...”

Callum was inclined to agree with her; Lexi definitely took after her dad in that department.

“She wasn’t too much of a bother though was she?” Lola asked slightly more seriously as she reached for Lexi's bag that Ben had left on the side and pulled out her towel and swimming costume, “Little Miss can be a right handful sometimes!”

Judging by the look on her face it clicked in Callum's head that she and Ben had talked about how he would find spending a full-on day with their daughter. Lexi had never met Paul and Ben had never dated anyone else seriously enough for him to want them to meet his daughter and Callum knew what a big deal it was to Ben that his daughter liked him and he wanted to make it clear that he'd loved every minute of today. 

“She was no bother at all; honestly Lola Lexi is such a great little kid,” he insisted as he poured them both a cup of tea and Lola to beam with pride, "It was nice spending time with her and Ben.”

“Even when you got stuck?!” Lola said and her eyes sparkled mischievously as she sipped her cup of tea.

“Huh?”

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, Lola scrolled through it and then handed it over to Callum who found himself reading a text exchange between her and Ben.

**Cal got stuck on the inflatable!**

**WHAT???**

**Yeah! Lex had to rescue him!**

**OMG! That's going in the group chat! You should have taken a picture!**

**We're in a swimming pool Lo...**

**Oh shut up and get me some chips I'm starving!**

“You got off lightly!” Lola chuckled when she took her phone back and Callum muttered darkly that he was going to get Ben back for this one day, “One time Lexi made me go on one of those kiddie swings at the park and my coat got stuck in it so I was trapped there for half an hour whilst Ben tried to pull me out of it; it was well embarrassing and of course Ben just laughed at me.”

“That sounds like Ben,” Callum said with a soft smile as he remembered how hilarious his boyfriend had found it when he'd got himself stuck in the first place.

“Well, he wasn’t laughing when we went down to Brighton for the day, filled her up with ice cream and then insisted on taking her on the bumper cars,” Lola informed him smugly and Callum listened eagerly, “Lex vommed all over him and he had to travel all the way home on the tube covered in sick; it was brilliant!”

Ok, Callum was definitely bringing that up the next time Ben decided to tease him about getting stuck and he and Lola chatted some more before moving onto how Lola had gotten on at the wedding she'd been at; Callum didn't know anything about nail art and he found it all very interesting.

“Everything is all right with you and Ben ain’t it?” Lola asked suddenly when Callum was halfway through looking at all the pictures of her nail designs.

“Yeah, why?”

“So why’s Ben been acting so funny lately then?” she asked and Callum’s ears pricked up; at least he wasn’t the only one that had noticed, “He was roaming around the house all night last night and the night before. Kathy almost battered him with a frying pan cus she thought he was a burglar!”

Right, so Ben hadn’t slept properly last night.

“I think it might be to do with his dad,” Callum put forward; relieved that he finally had someone to share his concerns with, “Jay told me he saw them together last week but when I asked Ben about it he went all, I dunno, funny and changed the subject.”

He wasn’t about to tell Lola about the nightmares or Ben’s slightly up and down moods because as much as she cared about Ben, that was private and Callum wouldn’t want to break Ben’s trust by telling her. That being said Lola knew more about Phil and Ben's relationship than he did and Callum was eager to gain some insight if it would help Ben in the long run.

“Well that says it all if Phil’s involved," Lola snorted as she stood up and started rummaging around in the cupboard, "I wish he would just back off for once and leave Ben alone.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you actually know about Phil?” Lola asked as she sat down at the table and pulled a biscuit out from the packet she’d found at the back of the cupboard, "Cus I know Ben ain't told you much if anything."

“Ben told me he was an alcoholic like my old man was when he was growing up,” Callum reeled off as he took the biscuit she handed him, “And Whit said Phil gave him a hard time when he came out and that he’s big into family.”

Lola made a face and Callum quickly realised that he’d been given the abridged version of what growing up with Phil Mitchel as your dad was like.

“He wasn't just an alcoholic Callum; I heard Kathy and Ian talking once about how Phil had smashed up the house back when Ben was a baby,” Lola informed him and that sounded far too much like Jonno for Callum’s liking, “And how he was out partying and getting wasted when Ben was in the hospital with meningitis. No wonder Kathy took off to South Africa with Ben.”

“But that was back then though,” Callum argued as if this somehow mattered even as Lola shook her head in disbelief at him, “He hasn’t touched the booze for years so Shirley told me.”

“You know the only reason why he gave up the booze is cus his liver packed in right?” Lola told him sounding slightly exasperated and Callum stared at her; shocked that Ben had never mentioned this before, “Had to have a liver transplant a few years ago and even then he was still drinking right up until they had to force him to stop.”

“What?!”

“Yep,” Lola said as she nibbled on her biscuit, “Ben offered to be a donor even though Kathy tried to talk him out of it but they turned him down so Phil ended up on the transplant list; Christmas day he had it. Then Ronnie and Roxie, that's Ben’s cousins, they both died a few days later on New Years Day. Drowned in a hotel pool.” 

Callum slumped back in his seat and tried to process everything that Lola had just said. Phil had had a liver transplant?! Lola was right; that was a lot more than Phil being a run of the mill alcoholic like Jonno and Stuart had been. Dead cousins aside, knowing that Ben had been prepared to give up an organ for his father was a lot to get his head around and he needed more details.

“But why’d they turn Ben down as a donor?” He pressed; unable to stop himself despite knowing full well how upset Ben would be if he found out he’d been snooping into his private life, "Kathy couldn't have stopped him doing it if he was old enough could she?"

“Jay told me he failed the psychological assessment… didn’t go into details but I think it was cus of the way Phil is with him,” Lola said quietly as she picked at the biscuit crumbs in front of her, “I don't know why he bothered in the first place though because it’s not like Phil would ever do the same for him.”

“That's a bit harsh ain't it?" Callum blurted out, "Ben still his son and Lexi is his granddaughter; he wouldn’t want her to grow up without a dad.”

Instantly he knew he sad the wrong thing because Lola's usually cheery demeanour had clouded over and was replaced pure unbridled anger.

“Phil is the reason why Lex didn’t have her dad around in the first place!” Lola snarled; jabbing her finger angrily in his direction as she let rip at him, “And he tried to take her from me when she was a baby so don’t sit there and say he knows what’s best for my little girl when you know nothing about it, Callum!”

Silence descended on them and Lola folded her arms tightly across her chest and refused to look at him; anger still radiating from off her. Shit. Callum hadn't meant to pry or cause her any upset and it was becoming abundantly clear just how little he knew about Phil Mitchell or Ben's relationship with him. 

"Lola I'm sorry I -"

"Listen, Call I didn't-"

They caught each other's eye and both let out a chuckle and the air instantly cleared between them.

"I am sorry Lola," Callum reiterated relieved when Lola nodded her acceptance, "I didn't mean to act like Phil was some saint or anything... It's just hard not knowing this stuff and Ben don't exactly give much away."

“It's fine Cal, it's just hard for me to talk about even now. See, when Phil found out Lexi was Ben’s and I was struggling a bit he got the Social involved,” Lola began and Callum reached over for her hand to comfort her, “That’s what he’s like Phil; everything’s a possession to him and if he can’t have it or it’s not done his way then he’ll just destroy it. Once Ben got out of prison I moved back to Newcastle and we didn't have much to do with each other until last year. He always gave me money for Lex and sent a card for her birthday but whenever I told him he needed to step up and come see her, he’d always tell me that she was better off without him and he’d be an awful dad to her. Me and Billy kept telling him he was being stupid and that he wasn’t going to be anything like Phil… now look at her; she’s a proper little daddy’s girl!”

"You're a great mum Lola," Callum told her earning him a big wide smile from her, "Lexi and Ben are lucky to have you."

“I know," she teased before becoming a touch more serious, "Look, don’t tell Ben I’ve told you any of this. It’s just I know he can come across like he doesn’t care or that he ain’t bothered but it’s just cus he finds stuff like feelings and opening up to people difficult; he'll tell you all this himself once he's ready.”

"I won't I promise."

“Where’s he got to anyway?” Lola said as she blotted her face with some sort of powder to touch up her makeup, “I’m starving and he promised me some chips!"

Glancing at the clock Callum realised that he and Lola had been talking for well over an hour and it had already gotten dark outside; where on earth had Ben gotten too?

"Maybe he went to get food?" Callum suggested but surely Ben would have asked them what they wanted before he left? A horrible thought struck him; what if he'd heard them talking about him and walked out? No, they would have heard the door go or something so he must still be upstairs dealing with Lexi.

“I swear If he’s telling her another story with all those funny voices he knows I can’t do,” Lola muttered causing Callum to laugh out loud, “I’ll be back in a minute Cal.”

She headed off upstairs leaving Callum to wash their cups out in the sink and ponder on all the new information he'd just acquired. On the outside, Phil was one of the lucky ones that had gotten his life back together after his struggles with alcohol and had a loving family around him but now Callum was beginning to realise that it wasn’t quite as cut and dry as all that. He wished Ben would’ve told him all this stuff though and not have had to hear it second hand from Lola. Mulling everything over in his head,Callum decided that he would just wait until Ben felt comfortable enough to talk about his issues with his dad with him. In the meantime, he was just going keep a closer eye on his partner and not carry on suggesting that they invite Phil and Sharon over for dinner.

“Callum,” Lola hissed down the stairs suddenly, “Callum come here quick!”

Dropping the tea towel Callum ran for the stairs; charging up them two at a time for fear there was something wrong. What if Ben had had an accident and they'd just been sat down there talking about him this entire time?! He found Lola standing on the landing just outside the door to Lexi's and to add to Callum's confusion she didn't look worried or panicked at all, in fact, it was the total opposite.

"What?!" he wheezed clutching his side, "What's wrong?"

"This is going straight in the group chat!" she grinned as she fiddled with her phone before stepping back from the doorway and motioning for him to go in. Puzzled, Callum walked in and let out an audible gasp as his "ovaries" melted all over again as he took in the quite frankly adorable sight before him. Sprawled out fast asleep on Lexi's princess-themed bedspread with his arm tucked protectively around his daughter was Ben; Fluffy the rabbit clenched tightly in his fist.

"Awwww," Callum cooed softly just as Ben let out a little noise in his sleep.

“Told you he was a big softie,” Lola whispered as she came up behind him and snapped a few more pictures before covering the sleeping pair with a blanket, “Should I wake him up?”

“Nah; just tell him I'll see him tomorrow,” Callum whispered back and they both crept out of the room with Lola closing the door softly behind her.

Once they made it quietly back down the stairs Callum picked his jacket up and decided to head back home; he'd seen Lola sneak a text off to Jay about not being on mummy duties tonight and didn't want to intrude.

“Cal?’

“Yeah?”

“Ben and Jay are going to some boring car show next weekend but me and Lex are gonna go with Pops and Janet to that petting zoo near the common; it’s just a couple of donkeys and sheep but she’s well excited,” Lola told him as she dug the takeaway menus out of the draw in the living room, “You can come along if you’re not doing anything.”

“Really?!”

“Yes really Callum,” Lola said with a laugh, “I thought we could do that and then meet up with the boys later for a pizza or something. Don’t worry; Pops won’t be grilling you because you're spending time with his great-granddaughter!”

Callum hadn’t been even been thinking that but now he was and he fidgeted nervously in his seat; what if Billy didn’t like him?

“Relax Callum,” Lola teased as she noticed his discomfort, “It’s Kathy you’ve got to worry about, although I’m pretty sure she likes you more than Ben which is saying something! I’ll text you the deets later ok?”

Buzzing after having such a great day Callum put his bomber jacket on, waved goodbye to Lola and headed out the back door. All the swimming and running around after a seven-year-old had made him ravenously hungry so he stopped in at the chip shop for some fish and chips on his way home and, much to his unease, he unexpectedly bumped into Phil and Sharon on the way out. Despite everything Lola had just told him, Callum was still keen to make a good impression and he smiled brightly at Phil who walked right past him without looking at him and up to the counter. Somewhat deflated Callum turned his attentions to Sharon who at least acknowledged his presence.

“Got your trousers on this time then Callum?” she said as she nodded at his jeans and Callum almost dropped his chips in embarrassment; the memory of being caught in the Mitchell living room in just his pants was something he'd hoped had been forgotten.

“Sharon I'm so sorry; if I’d known you were coming home I wouldn’t have…”

He trailed off in awkwardly only for Sharon to burst out laughing and Callum’s face heated up once more; if she’d come home half an hour earlier Sharon would've asked them to clean a lot more then just Ben’s bedsheets…

“I’m just teasing you Callum; no need to look so shocked! Thought we’d treat the family to fish and chips seeing as it’s Saturday night,” she explained whilst Phil rattled off their order to the bored-looking teenage server who was working the counter, “Plus Lou’s been craving salt and vinegar on everything; pregnancy doesn’t half knock you for six!”

Laughing, she patted her own baby bump but Callum couldn’t help but feel confused by the fact that they were having a family night in but Ben seemingly hadn’t been invited.

“Meal for one is it?” Sharon carried on whilst Callum tried to figure out what was going on, “I thought you and Ben were joined at the hip nowadays!”

“Yeah; Lexi wore him out after her swimming lesson today so we called it a night,” Callum explained as he held up his bag of food, "Stu will probably be wondering where I've got to so-"

“So that’s why he’s dumped all the work on Keanu is it?” Phil said gruffly as he suddenly appeared behind Callum with a bag full of the families fish and chip orders, “Off out gallivanting when he should be grafting?”

Callum swallowed nervously; he hadn’t meant to get Ben in trouble but the day out with Lexi had been played for at least two weeks and Ben had worked late most nights last week to clear his work schedule. Surely Keanu could handle a couple of cars on his own for the day?

“Oh come on Phil don’t be like that,” Sharon scolded as she swatted her husband playfully on the arm, “He was teaching Lexi how to swim not off out clubbing!”

This didn’t seem to appease Phil at all and he turned a violent shade of red as he launched into a full-on rant about Ben, much to Callum’s shock; wasn’t Phil supposed to be all about family?

“I’m not having it, Sharon! We’ve had all this before with him not turning up to work and moping around because of stuff that happened years ago! Keanu should be looking after Lou, not picking up after Ben because he’s too stupid to have forgotten to arrange his kid's swimming lesson for a different day!” Phil railed and Callum suddenly felt a red hot rage boil up inside him.

“It was the anniversary of Pauls death!” Sharon said exasperatedly whilst Callum stood there feeling incredibly awkward because they both seemed to have forgotten he was even there, “He’s allowed to be a bit upset!”

“Don’t give me all that rubbish Sharon,” Phil scoffed as if Ben's pain over losing someone he loved should have been gotten over in a weekend, “What’s he going to be crying about next week? He needs to man up and prioritise his family; not keep sulking about some dead bloke every othermonth!”

Sharon muttered something about him being insensitive under his breath which sent Phil into another long tirade about how he was just looking out for his family but it seemed clear to Callum that Ben was only included in that family under certain and tightly controlled conditions. From everything he’d heard about Phil, even after the stuff Lola had told him, it was still shocking to hear all this first hand.

“Well Ben has been working double at the car lot and the Arches,” Callum burst out because he couldn't just stand there and let Phil blame Ben for everything, “And he let Keanu leave early so he could go with Louise to buy baby stuff.”

“So?” Phil scoffed as if he'd only just realised Callum was standing there, “His sisters pregnant and needs support so Ben needs to do his bit!"

“I know but-” Callum began but Phil had already turned away from him and was pulling his phone out leaving Sharon to smile awkwardly at him.

“Don’t mind Phil; him and Ben are always like this and he’s just worried about Lou,” she told him as she patted his arm as if belittling your son in favour of your daughter was normal behaviour, “I’m sure Ben doesn’t mind doing a bit of extra work anyway.”

It wasn’t just “a bit of extra work” though and Callum often wouldn’t see Ben until late evening because Keanu had left early to be with Louise or taken the day off completely to go baby shopping with her. There’d also been a couple of times when nobody had been available to take Lexi to school because Ben, who usually took her before he went to work, had to cover both the car lot and the Arches. He intended to tell Phil this, despite knowing he was bound to make things worse, but Phil was already stabbing a number into his phone.

“Ben! I want you in that garage first thing in the morning and no more of your excuses or I’ll come and drag you out of that house myself!” he shouted and Callum felt his stomach drop all the way to his knees, “Come on Sharon; the food’ll be getting cold and I don’t want to listen to Denny moaning again because his batters gone soggy.”

Then he matched off in the direction of his house without even so much as a second glance at Callum.

“Night Callum,” Sharon said; smiling at him before she followed on after Phil as if the way he’d spoken about Ben was the most natural thing in the world.

The flat was empty when he finally arrived home and Callum threw his chips in the bin; no longer feeling all that hungry. From his admittedly limited interactions with Phil he’d always come across as a bit of gruff, no-nonsense family man and now he was feeling stupid for not seeing anything beyond that. Mostly he just felt annoyed with himself because he should have stuck up for Ben more and explained properly about the swimming day to Phil. Moving to the fridge Callum went to grab a beer but ultimately thought the better of it; alcohol didn't seem all that appealing right now.To find out Phil going tee-total was purely down to his liver failure was a bit of an eye-opener to the say the least, as was the way he’d spoken about Paul. Phil had almost knocked Jonno out when he’d called Ben that awful slur; surely he wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t fully accepted Ben was gay?

This was where Callum’s lack of relationship experience or dealing with other peoples families left him not knowing what to do for the best. In fact, he’d learnt more today about Phil and Ben’s relationship from other people rather than Ben himself and his instinct to protect Ben was already bubbling to the surface, especially as it was Phil's behaviour that was causing him sleepless nights. However, there was that nagging feeling that if he was just being dramatic and would only end up making things worse by bringing all this up with Ben. Admitting that he'd been talking with Lola behind Ben's back was going to cause enough drama as it was.

Throwing himself down on the couch Callum tried not to think about that now, because of him, Ben was now going to wake up to an angry message from his dad for daring to spend time with his daughter. Maybe he should warn Lola about the Phil stuff and she could intercept the message? No... that probably just make everything worse and he'd already put his foot in it enough for today. Grabbing his phone Callum decided that he could at least do one nice thing for Ben and sent him over some of the pictures he'd taken of Ben and Lexi and a couple of cute ones of himself and Ben; hoping this would at least make Ben smile when he woke up.

**Didn’t want to wake you up earlier**

**Had a great day with you and Lexi :)**

**Miss you xxx**

Now he would just have to wait and hope he'd done the right thing. There was a film on, some silly action movie Ben wouldn’t have been interested in, which he watched for a bit and then the football results before ultimately calling it a night. It was almost eleven now and Callum was starting to feel the effects of trying to keep up with a Lexi all day and he was exhausted. Switching the tv off he cleared up his dishes, washed up in the bathroom and headed off to bed; a reply from Ben waiting for him when he got into bed.

**Missed you too babe but I had a better offer x**

Attached was a picture message of Lexi still fast asleep but in Ben’s bed this time and Fluffy the rabbit tucked in between them.

**Gotta work tomorrow as well :(**

Great; so he had heard the message. Revealing his involvement in the whole mess was bound to cause Ben another sleepless night so instead, he opted for a different tactic;

**I can come and keep you company if you want :)**

Callum didn’t know the first thing about car maintenance but he was pretty sure he could be of some use like manning the phone or handing Ben a wrench or whatever it was they used to fix cars.

**You just want to see me all greasy in my overalls ;)**

Yes, yes Callum did want to see Ben in his work overalls and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it a lot but that little fantasy would have to wait for the time being. First and foremost he wanted to be there for Ben and perhaps get him to open up a bit more about what was bothering him.

**True but I could still help or bring you cups of tea xx**

**Nah you’ll probably be bored and dad is going to be there**

**Can I come round to yours after?**

**You don’t have to ask babe!**

**Chinese for tea?? xx**

If he wasn’t able to go over to the Arches and offer support at least he could feed Ben his favourite meal afterwards.

**Yes! x**

They messaged back and forth for a bit until finally saying goodnight and Callum set his phone on the bedside table; plugging it in to charge overnight. Rolling over he stared forlornly at the empty spot next to him for a bit until reminding himself that at least it would be filled back up by Ben's lovely warm body tomorrow night. Grabbing hold of Ben's pillow Callum wrapped himself around it, the big spoon to Ben's little spoon, and inhaled deeply; the soft scent of his lover still lingering as he drifted off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long - I wrote it from scratch when the original chapter didn't pan out like I expected. Hope you're all staying safe during this crazy time. x


	5. You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two...

_  
"You've got to pick a pocket or two Boys! Got to pick a pocket or two!"_

There were exactly three hundred and eighty-five flowers painted on Callum’s bedroom wallpaper; one hundred and two pink ones, ninety-eight yellow ones, sixty-one purples ones and one hundred and twenty-four blues ones. Ben knew this because he’d laid awake all night counting them whilst had Callum slept peacefully beside him. Midway through the night, the darkness had gotten the better of him and Ben had almost convinced himself that the flower stems were fingers clawing their way off the wall towards him and he’d almost woken Callum up in a panic before realising how silly that was; he was an adult, not a little kid. Now his eyes ached and his head hurt from having to re-count the blue flowers so many times after losing track of what number he was supposed to be on but a little bit of pain was better than the alternative of trying to force himself back to sleep. 

It was almost quarter to seven now and Ben fidgeted as he watched the clock on the bedside table tick painfully closer towards what would be an appropriate time to be getting up. The shadows from last night had been replaced with ribbons of morning light and Ben scolded himself for being that much of a wimp that he thought a bunch of flowers were going to slither off the wall and attack him. Next to him, Callum let out a sleepy snore and his arm tightened around Ben’s waist before he sank back down into unconsciousness; leaving Ben to gently run his fingers through his boyfriends thick, soft hair. Even though it was probably a bit creepy, he liked watching Callum sleep so peacefully and untroubled even if it did make him feel slightly jealous about his inability to do the same. Wriggling closer, Ben tried to will himself back to sleep but after ten more minutes of restlessness, he eventually admitted defeat and instead he slipped quietly out of bed and crept into the kitchen.

It was cold out here, to the point where he was shivering, but Ben didn’t want to risk waking Callum up by returning for the warmth of his dressing gown. That would just lead to equations as to why he was up in the first place and he wasn’t ready to deal with all of that just yet. In the end, he found himself sitting on the floor with his back pressed up against the oven and his knees drawn up tight towards his chest; last night had been _bad_. Everything had started fine with the pair of them having a few drinks in the Albert until Callum had got _very_ handsy underneath the table so they’d gone back to the flat for a bit of fun before heading to bed. Feeling sleepy and satisfied after their lovemaking and wrapped up tightly in Callum's strong arms, Ben had nodded off with ease for what felt like the first time in forever. Unfortunately, his peaceful nights' sleep hadn’t lasted long and Ben had soon found himself stuck in the depths of another nightmare that quickly spiralled out of his control. This one was new and he found himself “waking up” inside a coffin only it wasn’t big enough for an adult so Ben was cramped into it with his fingernails desperately scraping at the sides as he tried to pull himself out. A man in a prison guards uniform was stood to the side of the coffin and simply said “Your shift today is twelve hours” and then the lid was forced down on top of him, pressing Ben’s chest tightly into the too-small box as he cried out for help. The terror he’d felt had been indescribable and Ben had begged and _pleaded_ to know what he had done wrong, that he was sorry and he would be good from now on if they would just let him out. All he got in response was a disembodied voice near his ear telling him “Your shift today is now eleven hours” which sent Ben into a tailspin of panic once he realised he’d already been stuck inside the coffin for a full hour. Callum had eventually managed to shake him awake which had then led to Ben unable to control himself and sobbing in his boyfriends' arms for a full twenty minutes. Once he’d calmed down enough Ben had felt horribly embarrassed that he’d woken Callum up _yet again_ and that it over something so stupid as a dream about a coffin. Unsurprisingly Callum had demanded to know what was wrong and Ben had somehow managed to convince him that he was fine and they’d eventually gone back to sleep or rather Callum had; Ben had remained awake staring at the ceiling until the early hours.

“Stop being so _pathetic_ ,” he scolded himself; digging his nails sharply into his scalp as if that would knock some sense into him.

He’d _ruined_ the end of a great week by having the stupid nightmare, especially after Callum had been so amazing when they’d taken Lexi swimming. It had never even been an issue with Callum that Ben had a child and he’d respected every boundary that Ben had set to point where Ben was convinced he was almost too perfect until he remembered that Callum had the same dented edges as he had only he was better at dealing with them. Would Ben have dated someone with a kid? Probably not if he didn’t have Lex but that wasn’t because he didn’t like kids, he was because he was already terrified of fucking his own kid up let alone someone else’s. The only downside to watching Callum play tea parties with Lexi and willingly be dressed up like a princess was that Ben was beginning to feel the pressure to not be an idiot and screw everything up. Even his mum kept commenting that he better not put a foot wrong because blokes like Callum only come along once in a blue moon. Ben got it; he was nowhere near good enough for Callum but somehow or other his boyfriend had decided that he was worth sticking with and he was determined to prove himself worthy of him.

Pulling himself to his feet, Ben decided he could start by making Callum breakfast and set about pulling everything out that he would need from the cupboards and set to work. The only problem was that Ben, to put it bluntly, was an _awful_ cook and almost everything he made either came out burnt or inedible. That didn’t stop him trying because after all the shit Ben had put him through with his stupid nightmares, Callum at least deserved a nice breakfast to wake up too. Cracking an egg haphazardly into the frying pan Ben watched it bubble and fizz for a moment before realising he probably should have started with the sausages first but what was done was done and he carried on regardless.

“Dammit,” Ben muttered as he got yet _another_ piece of shell stuck in the egg he was trying to fry.

The egg had only been cooking for a few minutes and Ben was feeling pretty pleased with himself, especially after he dug the last of the shell out, only for the strong smell of burning to hit his nose. Something _weird_ hit his brain at the exact moment the smell did and Ben suddenly felt cold all over, his mind going fuzzy, as he stared at the frying pan. That's when he noticed he’d forgotten to add any oil and the egg was rapidly becoming a blackened, charred mess that was sticking to the bottom of the pan.

_Shit!_

Pulling the pan off the heat, Ben cursed himself as he scrapped the sticky mess into the bin before grabbing the oil off the self and adding a ton of it to the frying pan just to be on the safe side. He could have sworn he’d pulled the oil out with all the rest of the breakfast stuff but he must have got it confused with something else. The new egg was cooking along nicely now leaving Ben to try and rub away the headache that was blossoming around the centre of his forehead. That had been happening a lot lately, him forgetting stuff, and there were points during the day where he’d zoned out completely or forgot where he was for a moment but Ben had put down to not sleeping all the much these past few weeks. Callum had also unknowingly added to some of Ben’s stressful mood by not not-so-subtly bringing up organ donation the other day and how amazing it was that people would offer to help someone they loved by donating a body part so Ben figured somebody must have told him about the liver transplant Phil had had a few years ago. Whilst most people on the square knew about the transplant, only a few select people had known that Ben had willingly offered himself up as donner for his father which meant that somebody close to him must have blabbed. It had unsettled him knowing that Callum had been talking about him behind his back, especially about something so personal, and he’d found himself closing off once again whilst Callum continued to sing the praises of organ donors when they’d been having lunch in the cafe.

“You’d have to be a really _amazing_ person to do that for someone,” he’d hinted with about as much subtly as being smashed over the head with a brick, “ _Really_ amazing…”

Ben hadn’t taken the bait and instead, he’d changed the subject to something more mundane and tried not to feel too bad at the hurt puppy look Callum was giving him; upset that he wasn’t willing to open up to him. Talk of the liver transplant had plagued him for the rest of the day and dredged up a whole host of other unpleasant memories that came along with it. At the time Ben had naively thought the donation process was just going to be a bunch of medical tests to check he was a match for his dad but before he’d even had a blood test, he was being scheduled to see a psychologist for some sort of evaluation. Apparently, it was just “routine” but Ben could still remember that awful, _sick_ feeling he’d felt in the pit of his stomach as he sat in the waiting room for his appointment; it had felt far too much like being back inside where a whole host of so-called professionals had picked over his brain like a pack of vultures. He’d barely stepped foot inside his cell before psychologists, social workers and therapists had swarmed onto him due to him having a manslaughter charge at such a young age.

Some of the doctors he’d talked to were quite nice or had been at the beginning, whilst others had either hated him from the start or were completely indifferent to trying to help him. If Ben told them he was sorry about killing Heather and that it was an accident, he was told that that wasn’t true or that killing Heather was some sort of substitute for killing himself or his father but he was just too cowardly to do it. This had left Ben feeling confused at what exactly he was supposed to be feeling because it had broken him into pieces over what he did to Heather but nobody else seemed to see that. If he showed no emotion or tried to suppress it when he talked about Heather then he was told he was cold, unfeeling and “deranged”. If he was slightly less miserable than usual or spoke fondly of Heather they told him he was showing “sociopathic tendencies” and forced copious amounts of medication on him. In reality, Ben had been utterly petrified of them all and close to breaking point but with the threat of being dumped in the psyche ward constantly lorded over him, it had gotten to the point where he was too frightened to say anything that might land him in any more trouble.

What was even worse was they’d also kept asking him questions like “Why did you want to kill someone?” “Did you enjoy it?” “What did it feel like when you knew she was dead?” and Ben hadn’t known how to answer that properly because he’d never _meant_ to kill Heather but the doctors all kept insisting that he did. After a while, they seemed to get bored with him with his inability o answer and he’d been moved onto a different set of doctors who had asked him all sorts of weird _sexual_ questions like if he’d become aroused during or after the murder and Ben had floundered once again. He’d _barely_ even lost his virginity to Lola at that point and was only just beginning to understand that he was gay, let alone getting turned on by accidentally killing someone. Again, any answer he did give never seemed to be quite good enough and his social worker kept _pushing_ him for more details so in the end Ben had said yes to everything in the hopes that he would finally be left alone.

He probably would have told Callum about the donor stuff at some point but the fact that he found out from someone else made Ben feel paranoid and uncomfortable. Now they would have to talk about it and Ben would have to reveal that whilst he’d been offering up bits of his vital organs, Phil was already making plans to cut him out of his will and disinherit him. Callum would want to know what was so _wrong_ with Ben that would make his own father be so insistent on leaving his only son with nothing after he died. Because there must be _something_ mustn’t there? Ben was the problem, he’d always known that, so there must be something inside him that was dark and ugly that only his dad could see. If they talked about the transplant then Callum would start to see it too; he’d start to see all the horrible bits, the ugly, spiteful, _damaged_ bits that Phil saw every time he looked at Ben and then -

“There you are; I wondered where you’d got too.”

Ben was dragged out of his rapidly spiralling train of thoughts to find Callum making his way into the kitchen, “I thought you’d still be in bed.”

Dressed in just his underwear and with his hair all messy from sleep Callum yawned hugely as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and Ben couldn’t help but give himself a mental pat on the back for landing such a fit bloke for a boyfriend. If he wasn’t feeling so tired and guilty about last nights meltdown he would have marched Callum straight back to bed and not let him leave until he’d had his way with him; breakfast be damned. Turning back to his cooking Ben couldn’t suppress the tiny smile that played about his lips when a pair of big, strong hands rested on his hips from behind.

“You ok?” Callum asked softly as he wrapped his arms around Ben’s waist and took full advantage of their height difference by kissing the side of his neck, “Do you remember what you were dreaming about now? You sounded pretty scared before I woke you up…”

Ben swallowed nervously; whilst Callum might have brought his excuses last night, it was clear that in the cold light of day he wanted some sort of explanation. What was Ben supposed to say? “Sorry babe but your new career choice is giving me nightmares?” If Callum caught even a _hint_ that any of this was to do with him, he’d jack in his police career before it had even started and then Ben would have to explain to everyone the reason why. Callum deserved to be able to do something he was passionate about and there wasn’t a chance in hell that Ben was going to get in the way of that.

“Nope; probably just something I watched on TV,” he lied smoothly as he stared determinedly at the egg he was currently burning in the frying pan, “Anyway enough about me… how do you want your egg?”

“Ummm not burnt if that's ok!” Callum laughed whilst Ben let out a small huff of indignation and tried to rescue the egg he was currently cooking but only succeeded in burning it some more.

It must be nice having a career you were actually excited about Ben mused as he picked a stray piece of eggshell out of the frying pan; he’d never really had a chance to properly think about what he wanted to do with his life before he messed it all up and landed himself in prison. That was a lie… ever since he was little Ben had always wanted to go to art or theatre school but it became pretty evident the moment he returned from South Africa that that was _never_ going to happen. There was no way on Gods green earth that Phil Mitchell's son was going to flounce off to paint pictures or tap dance for a living so he’d resigned himself to being stuck in the “family business” for the rest of his life. However, he knew that if he told any of this to Callum, Callum would get all excited and insist that Ben could go back to school if he wanted to but where was an art degree going to get him? Even _more_ shut out by his father that's what, because having a gay son who was also into painting would probably have finished Phil off. Plus, he’d been bullied _horrifically_ at school and it wasn’t exactly a chapter of his life Ben wanted to revisit any time soon. Callum didn’t really seem to understand that though because for some unknown reason he was convinced that everyone would love Ben “once they got to know him properly” despite Ben’s instance that they wouldn’t. School just wasn’t for him and he was probably too old and too stupid to go now anyway. Being a mechanic wasn’t exactly thrilling but he should be grateful he even had that because lord knows nobody else was going to hire him with a manslaughter charge hanging over his head; Phil had made that abundantly clear the moment he’d got out of prison. Even now the Arches didn’t feel like it was properly his what with Phil constantly telling him how he was running it into the ground and forcing Keanu upon him. He used to have loads of ideas as to what he could do with the place to give it a new lease of life but he’d made the mistake of mentioning his plans to Phil who’d laughed at him and told him he was being stupid if he thought he was suddenly going to become the next Alan Sugar.

“Do you want the yolk runny or not?” Ben asked even though the egg was basically charcoal in a pan and inedible at this point.

“Out of the way please,” Callum instructed; nudging Ben out the way with his hips and taking the spatula from him.

“I can cook an egg Callum,” Ben pouted even though Callum was already scraping his burnt offerings into the bin and starting with a fresh egg, “That one was just a practice one.”

Throwing a couple of sausages in the pan along with some salt and pepper Callum let out a soft chuckle; kissing Ben on the forehead before shooing him away. Clearly, he was incapable of even the simplest of tasks and he hovered awkwardly next to Callum feeling like a spare part as his boyfriend took over. Whilst he’d always been pretty good at eating food, he was less great at actually cooking it which was why Callum resumed his role as Head Chef whenever food was involved. On the other hand, Callum was incredibly messy, he’d already split tomato sauce on the countertop, so Ben often found himself cleaning up after him so they didn’t end up living in a complete pigsty. Callum’s haphazardness in the kitchen never really bothered him before but seeing that big blob of congealed red sauce dripping down the edge of the cabinets was making Bens chest tighten with anxiety. Suddenly the desire to be back in the car lot with all the bleach so he could scrub all the filth and dirt off of everything hit him and-

“You go back to bed if you want,” Callum said suddenly and Ben hadn’t realised he’d been pressing the heel of his hand against his eye socket this entire time, “I can bring this in for you; my treat.”

“I’m fine,” he replied shortly, unsure of which one of them he was trying to convince, but even as he said this Callum downed his spatula and was trying to push him towards the bedroom but Ben stood his ground; there was no way he’d be able to get back to sleep now. Tiredness was eating his brain now to the point where Ben was certain all the kitchen appliances were giving off a loud buzzing sound. Everything was suddenly too shiny, too _bright_ and he had to avoid looking at all the ketchup smears for fear of being sick. Callum had managed to get a hold of him this time; taking advantage of Ben zoning out slightly again before he got the chance to wriggle free.

“I said I’m _fine_ Callum,” Ben protested again but Callum was already shooing him into the bedroom and saying how once they’d finished breakfast Ben could “have a little sleep so he felt better” and how “a long sleep is just what the doctor ordered”. Ben frowned; he wasn’t ill, he was just having a bit of trouble falling asleep sometimes but Callum didn’t appear to be listening when he told him this.

“You sit here,” Callum instructed as he pulled back the duvet cover and practically pushed Ben onto the bed, “I’ll finish breakfast and bring it in for you.”

“But I was supposed to be doing that,” Ben pouted as he got back up again only for Callum to try and push him back down again, “I got up specially.”

“I like to make you breakfast,” Callum said with a shrug as he grappled slightly with Ben to try and make him stay put, “Besides; if I do it it’ll actually be edible!”

Despite knowing that Callum wasn’t deliberately making fun of him the jab still stung and Ben was left feeling once again like nothing he ever did was right. Perhaps sensing he’d said the wrong thing, Callum beamed at him and petted his hair before heading back out into the kitchen.

“I’ll get dressed and then I’ll come back and help,” Ben muttered; completely dejected that he couldn’t even make a fry up properly. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt he sloped back out to the kitchen to find Callum in his element now as he added a variety of herbs, spices and seasoning that Ben would never have even thought of into the frying pan full of eggs, bacon and sausage.

“Do you need me to do anything?” Ben asked, hoping that he could at least be of _some_ use but Callum smiled at him as he shook his head.

“Got it all under control babe but you can be in charge of toast if you like,” Callum told him brightly and he handed Ben the bag of bread from the bread bin.

Great; he’d been relegated to toast duty.

Shoving two rounds of toast in the toaster Ben began to ask Callum about how he knew which herbs to add to make everything taste so good but found he couldn’t look anywhere near the frying pan. The ketchup, the oil, the _smell_ ; it was all swirling around inside Ben’s head and making his skin prickle with anxiety. He had to turn away, folding his arms across his chest and almost hugging himself, and stared blankly at the fridge. Something didn’t feel… _right_. He kept thinking about things he didn’t want to think about and sometimes he would -

“Ben… THE TOAST!”

“Sorry!”

He grabbed the toast not caring that it burnt his fingers but it was too late; the toast was already blackened beyond repair. Dumping the toast in the bin Ben cursed himself as he loaded in a fresh batch of bread despite Callum patting him on the arm and telling him it didn’t matter. He kept a closer eye on the second round of toast, so close in fact that he didn’t hear Callum telling him that his food was ready. That had been happening a lot recently; him spacing out and finding time had moved forward or his thoughts jumped ahead of him and he couldn’t quite click the pieces together. It was probably down to him being tired after the stupid nightmares and the anxiety of having a bunch of stolen cars parked directly underneath Callum’s nose. Well, that’s what Ben had decided it was and there didn’t seem any point in bothering Callum with it all because he would be back to normal once he’d gotten a bit of kip. Slathering a ton of butter onto the toast, he then set the plate down on the table before gathering up a handful of knives and forks. The spread in front of him looked a lot fancier than anything Ben would ever have been able to achieve and it was probably for the best that Callum had taken over the majority of the cooking.

“Come on,” Callum told him cheerfully as he piled Ben’s plate high with food, “Don’t want it getting cold.”

Sitting down, Ben pulled the plate towards him before Callum could add anything else to it and poured them both a glass of juice. Across from him, Callum was explaining the finer points of egg poaching and how to get the perfect consistency of yolk as if Ben was ever going to be trusted with cooking breakfast again. Before all the weirdness with his nightmares Ben had been toying with the idea to surprise Callum with breakfast pancakes; it was only three ingredients so he couldn’t go too far wrong plus it would appeal Callum's sweet tooth but his confidence had taken a bit of knock due to the earlier incident with the toast. Nobody had ever bothered to teach him how to cook and Phil had either been too drunk to notice if there was no food in the house or left it to one of the many women in his life to sort out so Ben had lived off of beans on toast and microwave food until Sharon had come along. Ian had offered to show him some simple stuff back when Ben had been trying to impress Paul but it turned out to be a disaster right from the word go. Unsurprisingly, Ian was overly critical of even the smallest things right down to the way Ben had held a knife so he’d ended up getting annoyed and left in a huff before they’d even made it through the veg prep. Callum would probably love to teach him but Ben wanted to give it at least a few more months before his boyfriend realised that he was completely inept at everything.

“I keep meaning to say, you’ll have to tell me what your favourite food was from when you lived in South Africa,” Callum told him as he added a load of ketchup to his plate, not noticing the stricken look on Ben’s face as he tucked in, “I’ll make it for you if you like; be good to stretch the old cooking muscles again.”

“You don’t have to do that Callum,” Ben said as he looked anywhere but Callum’s plate, “I didn’t even like half the stuff mum cooked anyway.”

“There must be something you _really_ like,” Callum pushed and Ben’s head started to ache again as he felt himself coming back to the present, “Something your mum used to make? I can ask her if you don’t remember.”

Denningvleis, a sweet-and-sour slow-cooked stew flavoured with spices and tamarind had always been Ben’s favourite thing to eat growing up, that and Malva pudding, but it had been years since he’d eaten it. Ian didn’t know anything about South African food although he did try, but Ben had been too young to understand that they didn’t eat the stuff that his mum had cooked him back in Walford. The food situation was another thing that the kids at school to make fun of him for, that and his hearing aid and funny accent because being shoved into the lockers for not knowing what a Mars Bar was justifiable. Then Phil got custody of him and anything to do with South Africa and even his mum was never spoken about again and it was traditional English grub from then onward.

Ben didn’t like talking about South Africa much anyway; mostly it just reminded him of Kathy’s abandonment and that his whole life over there had turned out to be a big, fat lie. Gavin had never really cared about him despite his insistence that Ben was like a son to him when in fact he’d been nothing more than an added extra when Gavin had set his sights on Kathy. This had become all the more apparent when his mother had first “died” and nobody seemed to know what to do with him so Ben had ended up staying with their elderly neighbour until Gavin’s sister Jenny eventually showed up. He’d gone to live with her for a few days not understanding what was going on and then being told off for crying too loudly when it eventually sunk in that he was never going to see his mum ever again. It had been Jane that had rung to check up on him, Ian had been too upset, and Ben remembered telling her he was fine despite feeling the total opposite because Jenny had been hovering nearby and she seemed to get annoyed when he became “emotional”. Then came the conundrum of what exactly was going to happen to him now his parents had passed away.

First, he was going to remain in South Africa with Jenny then the next minute Ian was supposed to be flying out to see him but weeks went by without so much as a phone call from his brother. Jenny had been alright but Ben didn’t know her that well and he felt like he was in the way most of the time. When he finally arrived, Ian had been busy planning their mothers funeral and sorting out her belongings so Ben had stayed in his bedroom most of the time by himself. He’d been under the impression that Ian was just coming for a visit but then he was being told to pack his suitcase whilst Ian and Jenny discussed the new school he would be attending back in Walford. Their house had already been sold by that point but Ben hadn’t even been allowed to go back to get any of his things or say goodbye to his cat, Marmalade, who’d been sent to a shelter. All he had was his now old school uniform, an assortment of books, a few items of clothing that Ian had brought back for him and a framed picture of him and Kathy. The last time he’d been to England he’d been three years old and couldn’t remember a thing about it despite his mum having a framed picture of himself, Ian, Kathy, Lucy and Peter in the living room. It hadn’t hit him, the whole concept of his mum being dead was a lot to get his head around at ten years old, but Ian got upset whenever he brought their mum up so in the end Ben had just stopped mentioning her and kept her inside his head instead. He used to talk to the picture he had of her but that all stopped once…

“What about Biltong? Did you eat that?” Callum asked loudly and Ben found himself retreating even further inside his head to try and somehow escape the conversation they were having, “I could probably find it at that special butcher off Highgate Road…”

“I don’t really remember much from when I was over there,” Ben lied; desperate to change the topic of conversation onto something else, “Besides, you’d never be able to get all of the ingredients to make any of it taste right.”

Callum was already busy googling “Where to buy Biltong in London” and wondering out loud if he could get hold of some droewors sausage and Ben began to feel sick with agitation; he didn’t want Callum looking up all this stuff about South Africa. He wanted them to sit there and enjoy breakfast together and not go raking everything up from his past.

“It’s _fine_ Cal,” he insisted again whilst Callum continued to hunt through google to find a South African butcher, “You don’t have to go looking all this stuff up.”

“Yeah but-”

“Did Lola tell you about the Hen Party she did her nail stuff at? Ben interrupted; finally putting a stop to his boyfriend's detective work, “Sounds like a right nightmare.”

It turned out Callum knew all about the drunk Maid of Honour confessing she’d had a fling with the bride's soon-to-be husband which meant that Lola had been the one to blab about Ben’s failed attempt at organ donation. Ordinarily, he would have been pissed at her for sharing something so private but now he just felt unbearably tired and worn out after the whole South Africa conversation. Everything would be fine if he could just have a little bit of peace and quiet or even if he could get rid of the awful headaches he kept getting.

“Are you _sure_ you’re ok?” Callum asked suddenly as he stole a piece of toast from Ben’s plate, “It’s just that's the third night this week that you’ve-”

“I said I’m fine,” Ben snapped but he avoided looking at Callum and instead picked at the mound of scrambled egg in front of him despite not feeling all that hungry now.

“You know you can tell me anything though yeah?” Callum pressed and he reached over and took Ben’s hand, “Even if you think it’s silly… whatever it is you’re dreaming about.”

He looked so kind and earnest despite Ben being rude to him before and Ben smiled sadly at him; how could he tell Callum that it was his chosen career path that was causing him to be unable to sleep at night? 

“I said I’m fine babe,” he insisted as he rubbed his thumb over Callum’s knuckles, “Probably just all those zombie shows Jay makes me watch with him.”

Callum’s nostrils flared like they always did when he knew Ben wasn’t telling him the whole truth and looked like he wanted to continue the conversation but ultimately decided against it which Ben was very thankful for; he didn’t have the energy to go through all the messed up stuff inside his head this early in the morning. Pulling his hands free Ben went back to pretending he was interested in his food and ignored the slightly exasperated sigh from his boyfriend. They ate in silence for a while which Ben was grateful for; his head was starting to hurt.

“Do you think you’ll be seeing any more of your dad this week?” Callum asked eventually as he poured himself a fresh cup of tea, “Thought we might go for a walk or something unless he needs you in the garage?”

As he said this Callum was pushing the back of his teaspoon into his teabag to get the last remnants of tea and Ben suddenly felt his stomach turn and his head spin; a deep-rooted memory of the smell of scalded flesh bubbled to the surface and hit his nostrils like a sledgehammer to the skull. His fingers flew automatically to the faded burn scar on his arm and he dug his nails in deep; unable to look away as Callum stirred the teaspoon round and round in his cup before placing it to one side.

“No,” Ben said quietly as he continued to stare at the shiny silver teaspoon resting on the table, “No, dad doesn’t want me around the garage anymore.”

“Good; we can go for a walk upon the common then,” Callum announced as he finished off the rest of his toast; paying more attention to his food than Ben’s internal crisis, “Fresh air will do us good. Oh _shit_ … Can I borrow your phone for a sec? Batteries just gone on mine and I need to remind Jay to order some extra chairs for Mrs Wilsons funeral next week.”

“Sure,” Ben responded automatically and returned to digging his nails into his forearm whilst Callum picked up his phone from the table and continued to chatter on about seating plans. Focusing on the sharp little bursts of pain, the anxiety in his chest hung a little less heavy and he was almost feeling back to normal but then Callum’s sleeve caught the edge of his cup as he scrolled through Ben’s phone and the teaspoon clattered towards him; rolling to a stop just short of Ben’s fingers. The stench of tea hung heavy in the air and a chill ran up Ben’s spine as another scent came with it, that awful, powdery, floral scent of perfume that had clung to him as a child when she -

“What's this?” Callum demanded suddenly and Ben jumped so hard that he knocked the teaspoon clean onto the floor.

“What's _what_?” he asked only for Callum to thrust his phone under his nose and he watched as to his horror another text from his dad pop up.

**NEW MOTORS WILL BE AT THE CAR LOT TOMORROW AND THEY NEED SHIFTING BY FRIDAY. MAKE SURE NOBODY SEES YOU.**

A cold feeling of dread began to seep through his entire body; they’d been having such a _nice_ morning but Ben had to go and mess it up like he always did. Glancing up nervously Ben caught sight of Callum’s face only to be met with a look of absolute fury and he quickly tried to find a way out of his current situation.

“Callum I didn’t… I _wasn’t_ …” he began but his boyfriend had clearly had enough as he glared angrily down at the phone he had clenched in his grip.

“I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!” Callum roared and Ben instinctively shrank back into his chair as if he was a small child, “ _HOW_ MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?!”

Waving his arms around like a windmill, Callum continued to rant whilst Ben remained glued into his chair and unable to move. The walls in the apartment felt like they were shrinking in on him just like the coffin from his dreams and Ben tried to find his voice to tell Callum he’d wanted no part in his dads scheming only to find that words just wouldn’t come out. Still shouting, Callum was towering over him by this point and demanding an explanation but Ben was struggling to follow along and it felt like his brain kept dipping in and out of what was being said until he was left with a big blank patch. He tried to find his words once again but by this time Callum was flitting from one angry tirade to the next and Ben was forcibly reminded of another time when he felt small and frightened whilst someone bigger towered over him…

“… Didn’t even _think_ about the consequences or that it was illegal… just expects you to do everything he says well I’m _not_ having it… supposed to be your dad… go down there and tell him myself… Lexi… own family… thinks you can’t do anything better with your life…”

Something, anger, frustration, Callum’s _insistence_ that Ben was worth something more than what he was currently doing or perhaps the pressure of the last few weeks began to build up inside him and before he could stop himself, Ben erupted.

“I CAN’T DO ANYTHING BETTER WITH MY LIFE; I’VE BEEN TO PRISON CALLUM! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!” he burst out to a shocked looking Callum who had finally gone silent as Ben continued his angry tirade, “IT’S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU GOING ON ABOUT ME FINDING ANOTHER JOB OR STARTING SOME FANCY NEW CAREER BUT _NOBODY_ WANTS TO EMPLOY SOMEONE WHO’S GOT A MANSLAUGHTER CHARGE!”

He was on his feet now with his chair tipping over behind him as tears threatening to spill down his cheeks because Ben had tried, he’d _tried_ to be a better person for Callum and give up all the dodgy stuff but in the end, it just wasn’t good enough. There was no going back to school to get a degree, no taking up dancing again or finding something better to do with his life; _why_ couldn’t Callum see that?!

“Ben… I’m sorry… about your dad…I didn’t mean-”

“I ALREADY KNOW I’M A COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE AND NOT FIT FOR ANYTHING ELSE!” Ben shouted as he angrily brushed the tears away that had dripped down his cheeks and onto his chin, “BUT I _DIDN’T_ TAKE ANY OF DADS CARS BECAUSE I PROMISED _YOU_ I WOULDN’T! _ALL_ I CAN DO IS THE CAR STUFF BUT OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!”

The desire to run away and hide was overwhelming, as was not having to look at the horrified expression on Callum’s face, so Ben did what he did best and bolted for the door; desperate to get away before he did any more damage. Callum wasn’t having any of it though and he went to catch hold of his arm, but Ben was used to people grabbing him when he didn’t want them to and he easily slipped past him. 

“Ben _wait_ , please, I wasn’t-”

Still dressed in only his pants, Callum couldn’t exactly chase after him so instead, he shouted at Ben to come back and insisted that they talk about what just happened. Ignoring him, Ben wrenched the front door open and fled down the stairs and out into the street; not caring that he had neither his shoes nor his coat on and only a swirling mass of conflicting thoughts for company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the update for this took so long; I'll have the next chapter up soon! Hope you're all staying safe. xx


	6. Hail Hydra

_ The price for freedom is high _

The temperature inside the car lot office had dropped significantly by the time Ben uncurled himself the crumpled ball on the sofa he’d found himself in. It was getting dark outside now and the daylight dwindled to a reddish-purple hue that was currently filtering its way through the fogged-up windows. Shivering slightly Ben glanced at his watch to check the time only to realise he'd left it back at the flat along with his shoes, phone and coat. Outside he could hear the remainder of the market traders packing up their stalls; nervousness creeping into his stomach when he realised he didn't remember when or exactly how he'd even gotten here in the first place. He’d just… _ ran.  _

A bloody stain ran across the carpet and it was only when Ben drew his knees up towards his chest for warmth that he registered a sharp, stinging pain radiating from his left foot. His fingertips came back bloody when he touched the bottom of his foot which meant he was probably going to regret bolting out or the flat with nothing on his feet but Ben paid it no mind. Why did he always have to ruin  _ everything _ ? Why couldn't he ever do anything right? Ben hadn't  _ meant  _ to blow up at Callum like that but he hadn't been able to stop himself; everything had just bubbled up to the surface like a pan going off the boil. It wasn't Callum's fault that Ben had ruined his own life due to a series of poor choice and was never going to amount to much besides being a local mechanic.

"You don't deserve him," he told himself firmly as he pulled himself into a sitting position, "He's  _ way _ too good for you; you're just going to wreck him like you wreck everything else."

Callum was undoubtedly sat reading through all the other text Phil had sent or clearing out the draw he’d set aside for Ben to put his stuff in when he stayed over and dumping it in the bin. It would all be sat waiting for him in a box outside the Mitchells or Ians where everyone could see that Callum had finally seen sense and dumped him. Kathy would once again be disappointed in him and wouldn’t be shy about hiding it, as would Stuart and Ben resigned himself to being roughed up in an alleyway somewhere as payback for hurting his little brother. Then Callum would meet some nice, normal guy in the Albert or through one of his new police friends whilst Ben found himself a grubby little one night stand or would whore himself out at the first bloke that seemed interested in him. That's what he'd done when Paul had barely been cold in the ground and he'd had a different man, or men, in his bed every night of the week. Even now it made him feel dirty...  _ filthy _ even for doing that but he'd cared so little about himself at the time or the possible danger he'd put himself in. 

The thought of never again feeling Callum's warm embrace wrapped around him, or god forbid seeing him with another bloke, and knowing it could all have been avoidable if he'd not been a nasty little liar was almost unbearable. This would usually be at this point at which Ben would start crying because sometimes when he was on his own and away from prying eyes, he often thought about everyone that had left him either willingly or unwillingly. For some strange reason, the tears didn't seem to want to fall this time Ben was left feeling not much of anything. Like all the broken little bits and pieces inside him that had somehow managed to hold him together for all these years had vanished or been shuffled around so that they didn't quite fit together anymore. It was an uncomfortable feeling after being so overwhelmingly out of control only a few moments earlier. Or was it hours by now? Or even days? Even with all the nasty things he'd said and done rotating round and round in his head like a rollercoaster, Ben was unable to summon even an ounce of sympathy for himself. Every bit of him felt flat. dead. The only thing that sparked any kind of feeling inside him was his concern for Callum which was fleeting at best and must show how truly messed up he was on the inside. 

The pain in his foot had grown now and it was only then that Ben realised that he'd been picking at this entire time; a smudge of bloody fingerprints coating the sofa. Grabbing the bottom of his foot Ben found a chunk of glass embedded in it and without even thinking, he yanked it out. The small cut it left behind wasn't very deep despite the trail of blood it left behind and Ben prodded it absentmindedly. A little bit more blood seeped out as he scratched at it so Ben picked at it again... and again... and  _ again  _ until his fingers were bloody; frustration welling up inside him. Whilst he registered the pain, Ben didn't  _ feel  _ it deep down inside himself like he felt he should do. Normal people felt things like this, didn't they? Jay had a meltdown every time he got a paper cut and even Lola, tough as she was, had cried when she came flying off her high heels the last time they'd been on a night out. Panic flooded his body because all the things that the therapists in prison had told him about himself must be true, mustn't they? He really was just some cold,  _ evil _ unfeeling robot that enjoyed hurting people or getting under there skin just enough so that they hurt themselves. 

“You’re  _ messed _ up,” Ben told himself as he huddled back down on the sofa; secretly hoping that the horrible,  _ dead _ feeling inside him would go somehow go away. 

_ Everything  _ Ben touched he ruined; Heather, Paul, Lexi and now finally Callum. Even his own  _ mother _ hadn’t wanted to stick around long enough to raise him and Kathy must have seen how ugly he already was on the inside, even back when he was little. Thoughts like this often got stuck like an eight-track loop inside his head and Ben had often spent  _ hours _ wondering if his mum had foreseen what an awful person he was going to become and decided she wanted no part in it. Kathy was probably secretly glad she hadn't had to put up with him for all those years and Ben doubted she'd missed him all that much whilst she was gone. He would never say it out loud but Ben was pretty sure Kathy would never have left Ian all alone like that if the roles had been reversed. 

_ But she would never have had to leave Ian in the first place if it hadn't been for you, now would she? _

It was an ugly thought but nonetheless true because Ben was the reason why they'd ended up in South Africa in the first place; even as a baby he was causing problems and splitting the family up. What made everything so much worse was that Ben had enjoyed living over there which now seemed selfish and wrong after what had happened between his mother and his father. Even now Ben remembered how peaceful their little house was and how he’d help his mum plant flowers in the garden after school or when she’d tell him stories about all the old movie stars before he went to bed. It had just been the two of them and even when Gavin came into the picture he still spent most of his time with his mum. That's where he felt guilty because Ian probably would have liked to have their mum around as well instead of having to resort to telephone calls and only being able to visit once every few years. Then Kathy had "died" and Ben had been shipped off to Walford like a spare part and every little piece of him that made him a decent person and been slowly chipped away until there was nothing left but a big gaping black hole of nothingness. Back then there wasn’t a night that went by that he hadn’t wished and wished and  _ wished  _ that he had been smashed to pieces in the car alongside his mother. 

Nobody spoke about Kathy in Walford aside from a few brief mentions here and there and her memory flitted around the Albert Square like a ghost. Ian was too caught up in his own grief and Phil had acted as if his second wife had never even existed despite the few attempts Ben had made to try and get him to talk about her. Then to make matters even worse, Phil had been determined to force Ben into the perfectly moulded version of the son he wanted rather than try and connect with the one he already had. So Ben was deemed useless pretty much from the word go and his inability to kick a football was almost confirmation of this. Phil wasn't interested that one of the side effects of having meningitis was that it also affected his coordination, something to do with the hair follicles in his inner ear or so his mum had said, which was why she’d put him in every dance class that was available from the time he was little. The other thing that helped was rugby and Ben had been pretty good at it by the time he'd left South Africa. Unfortunately, this all fell on deaf ears once he was back on U.K soil and living with his dad. 

“ _ Rugby _ ? Who the hell likes  _ rugby _ ?! No,  _ football’s _ what you want to be playing,” Phil had scoffed before he went out and brought Ben a very expensive pair of football boots and a football. Unsurprisingly it hadn’t gone well despite Ben explaining that it was difficult for him to keep his eye on the ball, run  _ and _ concentrate on blocking out all the noise at the same time and that rugby was easier because it was essentially just running and passing the ball to each other. Ian had tried to intervene and explain about the meningitis stuff but Phil hadn’t wanted to hear it; Mitchells played football,  _ not  _ rugby. So he’d spent a few weeks tripping over his own feet or getting a ball kicked in his face before his dad began muttering about how he wasn’t trying hard enough and needed to “man up”. Ben tried hard at a lot of things or at least he thought he did; he tried to be a good son, a good father and a good boyfriend but his attempts only ever seemed to blow up in his face.

Ben would never do anything like that to Lexi and it didn't matter what she wanted to do with her life, even if that was playing football, he was going support her one hundred percent. Secretly, he was rather pleased that his daughter was so into performing and helping her with that type of stuff made him feel like he was finally good at being a dad; he was getting pretty good at making bee costumes at any rate. Waking up to an angry voicemail from Phil berating him for taking the day off to take his daughter swimming had been crushing, to say the least. On the rare occasions when Phil took an interest in Ben's parenting skills, it was usually to inform him about how terrible he was at being a dad and give him a comprehensive rundown of all the things he was doing wrong. According to Phil Lexi had "too many opinions" for a seven-year-old and it was Ben's fault for not correcting her or teaching her better manners. It didn't help matters that due to lack of sleep and having to give Lexi her breakfast, his memory had gotten a bit scrambled which resulted in Ben getting his timings all wrong and he ended up being late. Outside the Arches, Phil had been waiting for him with a face like thunder and it was only then that Ben remembered that he had the only set of keys and that they were currently sitting in the kitchen drawer back at Ian's place. 

“One day I hope you’re gonna prove that you’re not a complete waste of space,” his dad had growled at him once Ben had sprinted back with the keys and let them both in. The rest of the day went downhill from there despite Ben trying his best to stay focused on the job in hand but nothing seemed to go right for him, not even when he’d told Phil about how good Lexi was getting at swimming and how she’d gotten almost full marks on her spelling test. News about his only grandchild's achievements only earnt him a couple of disinterested grunts so Ben gave up in the end; it was one thing for Phil to be utterly dismissive of everything he did but he was  _ damned _ if he was going to let him do that to Lexi. Knowing that Louise was going to be birthing Phil’s soon-to-be favourite grandchild had begun to make him worry about what was going to happen to Lexi and it would kill him if she ever felt that she wasn't special anymore or worse yet, that she'd been replaced by a newer,  _ better  _ grandchild. At least Lola was in agreement with him about Lexi being pushed out and eventually the conversation moved onto other things or rather Phil waxed lyrical about how amazing Keanu was, what a brilliant boyfriend he was to Louise and what a natural he was at fixing up cars. 

“Just because you were happy to walk out on your kid,” Phil had snapped at Ben when he’d tried to make a joke about Keanu being bossed around by the baby to lighten the mood, “Doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Now stop messing about and hand me that license plate.”

“Where were  _ you _ for the first ten years of  _ my _ life?” was what Ben wanted to scream but Phil’s temper was already riled up, something about Lisa mouthing off again as well as Sharon acting weird with Mel, and he knew better than to push that button. In the end, he sat there in silence whilst Phil moved on to berating everything about him right down to the shirt he was wearing all the way down to the way he held a spanner.

“Don’t you  _ listen _ ? Or did you lose a few brain cells when that idiot shot you?” Phil snarled when Ben had accidentally handed him a ring ratchet instead of a regular spanner, “Sit down over there before you ruin anything else.” 

So Ben had sat there once again; confused as to why a simple task such as doing up a motor was proving so difficult for him today. This was supposed to be his chance to prove to Phil that he could still count on him despite Callum's new career development not that Phil was remotely interested in Callum in any shape or form. Ben had tried to bring his boyfriend up once or twice to gauge Phil's response but had only been rewarded with his dad grumbling about "people sticking their noses in when it ain't wanted" and then being ignored when he asked what that meant. 

Later, when he’d gone to get a clean rag Ben had seen a text come through on his dad's phone from Keanu saying he was at the pub with Louise, Sharon and Denny and that there was an orange juice on ice for him. It was a relief to know that they would be done soon but Ben couldn't stop the stab of jealously that hit him at the ease of which Keanu was able to chat to Phil; he couldn't remember the last time he'd texted his dad asking to go to the pub with him and he'd responded. Less than ten minutes ticked by before Phil went to check his phone and awkwardly stabbed a response back to Keanu and began taking off his overalls. 

“Don’t forget to lock up when you’re done,” Phil grunted as he'd thrown an oily rag at Ben and left him to put the remainder of the car engine back together. There had been no suggestion that Ben join them at the pub even after he'd finished the job and the rejection stung. After all these years he supposed he should have gotten used to being replaced and pushed to one side but it still hurt knowing that his father would rather spend time with an idiot like Keanu instead of his own son. There had been a glimmer of hope when he'd first got home after being shot and Phil had been pretty attentive; he’d brought Ben some chips and yelled at Dennis for making too much noise when Ben was trying to sleep. The care and attention had unsurprisingly been short-lived and he was back to being grunted at or only called upon when Phil needed something within a couple of weeks. That's how he knew it was a  _ Ben  _ problem rather than anyone else being at fault with the way his relationship with his father had turned out. 

It had been well after closing time by the time Ben had wandered back over to Callum’s flat and the late hour wasn't entirely down to a second round of poor timekeeping. For some reason every time he tried to put the engine he’d pulled apart back together, he got a piece wrong or had to spend ages looking for a certain part that turned out to be right in front of him.  _ Hours _ had gone past before Ben had finally got the hang of what he was supposed to be doing but even then he wasn’t entirely sure how he’d fixed the problem or what the problem even was, to begin with. Much like when they’d been at the swimming pool the day before, Ben had felt this odd sense of being present but not  _ really _ being there at all which seemed like a ridiculous way to describe what he was feeling so he made up some excuse when Callum asked why he’d been so long.

“Oh, it’s just I bumped into your dad and Keanu at the Vic,” Callum explained and Ben’s face had burned with embarrassment at him knowing he’d been left behind on purpose, “They said you was still in the Arches. I went looking for you but it was all locked up.”

"I had to nip out to get a spare part," Ben had muttered as he tried to hide the confusion that ran through him; he didn't remember shutting the door to the Arches after his dad left, nor did he hear Callum calling out to him. It wasn't that big of a deal he'd convinced himself as he thrown himself down on the sofa and kicked his shoes off. The radio had been on all day  _ and  _ his hearing aid had been playing up a bit so that must why he didn't hear when Callum had popped over to look for him. They’d had Chinese for tea and being back with Callum was already making Ben feel a lot better or it was until Callum decided to spontaneously bring up organ donation the following day. It was like living through an awful round of dominos because once the failed liver donation had been dredged up everything  _ else _ seemed to come back up with it; all the stuff he’d said to various psychiatrists, the trial and finally his police interview and the ensuing investigation. Callum was more than likely labouring under the delusion that Ben had given himself up to the police straight away after he’d killed Heather when the reality was that he'd covered it up and kept silent for months like a coward. To top it all off Callum had been dropping regular hints that he was keen for them to talk about Heather and prison and that he was a "safe space" to share things with but Ben had firmly shut him down every time he'd had broached the conversation. 

“You know I meant it when I said you can tell me  _ anything _ don't you?” Callum had prompted when they were laying in bed together after he’d talked at length about his time in the army. A non-comital grunt was all he got in response because Ben's head was way too full of all deeply personal things Callum had willingly shared with him. There had been other videos with other drunk girls which Ben had already guessed as much, as well as some awful sort of hazing thing which just seemed like a fancy word for bullying anyone that didn’t fit the soldier stereotype. Callum had just needed to get it all out, that much was clear, and Ben wasn't entirely sure how much help he'd been but it meant a lot to him that Callum trusted him enough to open up him. Everyone in the army sounded stupid and horrible and Ben  _ hated _ them all for making Callum feel like he had to be “one of the lads” just to fit in with them. He told Callum as much and reminded him that even though he hadn’t done much to stop it, he hadn’t exactly participated in it either. Plus, Callum had _ saved _ peoples lives which was more than most people could say. He'd avoided using the word hero because it was obvious Callum didn't want that title and instead reminded him about the little kids he'd taught English to or the old man he'd helped to get extra rice at the food bank. Oddly this didn’t seem to appease Callum very much but he did go on to tell Ben how it had helped to talk things over with him and how Ben, inexplicably, gave good advice. That's when the hinting began again that Ben should share his  _ own _ life history which wasn’t going to happen anytime soon so he’d ended up distracting Callum with a blow job. 

Afterwards, Ben was back to staring at the ceiling for hours on end whilst Callum snored softly beside him; convinced that the first thing Callum would do once he’d qualified as a police officer would be to look up Ben’s criminal record. At first, it was just a fleeting thought but then paranoia had eaten away at him when the realisation hit him that in just a few short months the man sleeping next to him would have access to  _ everything _ the police had on Ben Mitchell. Interviews. Trial notes. His prison records. It wouldn’t just be the Heather stuff either; Callum would soon find out about the time he’d smashed Denise's stepson over the head with a wrench  _ and  _ that he’d been arrested only a few weeks ago for money laundering. It made him feel oddly ill and in desperation, he’d called Richie oblivious to the fact that it was three o clock in the morning and left a garbled message on her answerphone begging her to do something about it. Then in a horrible throwback to his childhood, he'd been sick with anxiety in the toilet and was very grateful that he hadn't gone back to wetting the bed as well. Nobody except Jay knew anything about what his life had been like in prison, and even that was only bits and pieces, and Ben was desperate to keep it that way for as long as possible. Despite his persistent phonecalls Richie never got back to him about hiding his police record so Ben had spent the next night researching police ethics on his phone until Callum had woken up and told him to go to sleep. 

"Isss late," he'd mumbled groggily as he wrapped his arm around Ben's waist and pulled him close, "You need to sleep."

Ben had gotten pretty good at pretending to be asleep by now so he shut his phone off and waited until Callum started snoring again before going back to google. Unfortunately, that had then spiralled into him searching things like  ** “Feeling Nothing”  ** and  ** “Can’t Sleep + Throwing Up”  ** but all the results just told him to see a doctor or a therapist which was stupid. Bobby had all these fancy psychiatrists to help him but nobody had ever offered anything like that to Ben when he had been released. Probably because they could all see that there was no point wasting money on him and Ben was either beyond help or there was no great secret to uncover as to why he was such a bad person.

After his sad little wander down memory lane, Ben sat himself up and tried to ignore the fact that it was now freezing cold in the office and rubbed his eyes tiredly with the back of his hand. Callum wouldn’t want him back at the flat now after Ben had shouted at him and he couldn’t face going back to his mums so he figured he would just stay here for the night and pretend to Jay that he’d come into work early. Jay and Lola would no doubt be upset with him fro wrecking yet  _ another _ relationship and making it awkward for them to be friends with Callum but at least they would be nice to Ben for the first few days. It would be different once Callum started dating and found someone else and they could go on fun double dates again whilst Ben was inevitably left out. Nobody wants their loser ex hanging around whilst they’re trying to move on even though Callum would probably be very nice about the whole thing and suggest that they could still be friends but the thought of seeing Callum with another man was making Ben feel physically ill. The new guy would be so much  _ better _ than Ben, which wouldn’t exactly be difficult to do, and everyone would love him and want to be friends with him which would leave Ben -

"BEN? Darlin are you in there?" 

The churning maelstrom of thoughts about Callum moving on, marrying a clean-cut accountant named James and getting a dog together whilst Ben festered and rotted away in the spare room at his dad's house came to an abrupt halt as the door to car lot swung open to reveal Callum; looking incredibly relieved when he spotted Ben. 

"There you are!" he said as he set down the small carrier bag he had with him and what looked like Ben's bundled up coat onto Jay's desk, "I've been looking  _ everywhere  _ for you!"

He barely made it two feet into the room, his face etched with worry, before something became unstuck deep in the recess of Ben's brain and he burst into tears. It wasn’t just regular crying either; it was a loud, awful  _ wailing _ sound that seemed to come from the very depths of his soul and Ben couldn’t have controlled even if he’d tried to. Knowing that Callum had actually bothered to come looking for him instead of writing him off like everyone else did was almost too much for Ben to handle. 

"Ben?!" Callum cried as he tossed aside his own coat and ran over to Bens side, "Whats the matter?? It's alright; there's no need for tears."

A pair of big, strong arms wrapped around him and Ben found himself being cradled against Callum's chest like a small child clinging to its mother. There was no shouting or screaming or yelling. He wasn't being hit or slapped or told to stop being such a pathetic waste of space. There was only soft,  _ kind _ words being whispered in his ear telling him that everything was ok, that he was all right and that they would just wait until Ben felt calm enough to talk. Desperate to get as close as possible, Ben buried his face into the other man's chest; Callum just felt so warm and soft and  _ safe.  _ However, the tears didn't seem to want to stop and he found himself struggling to breathe as he tried to gulp down air. 

"It's all right," Callum intoned softly as he rubbed big, calming circles on Ben's back, "Just try and relax a bit yeah?" 

Wiping his eyes on the back of his hand Ben tried to steady his breathing as yet more tears streamed down his cheeks and he began to feel like a complete idiot; this wasn't the way he usually handled his emotions. Not that he'd ever been allowed to express hiself properly growing up, not when your dad is Phil Mitchell, and more often than not everything came out as one big hysterical mess. Ben had always hoped that deep down he was more like his mum who was only ever kind and loving towards everyone but over the years he'd been pulled so far off that track he didn't know  _ who  _ he was deep down. Showing any kind of emotions, or god forbid  _ crying _ , in prison was a great way to get your head kicked in on the regular so Ben had slowly begun to detach himself from anything that made him feel... anything at all really. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't and it was always when it didn't that Ben found himself on the receiving end of someone's vitriol. In the end, he decided it was better to pretend he didn't care about what anyone said or did to him and only a few people had ever managed to see through the facade; Jay, Lola, his mum and now he supposed he had to add Callum to that list as well. 

“You ok now?” Callum asked softly as he continued to hold Ben close to him whilst he ran his hands soothingly through his hair, “I’ve been looking all over for you; even looked in here to start with but I couldn’t find you. Where’ve you been hiding eh?”

Ben shifted uncomfortably; he still didn’t remember where he’d been before he came in here. There was a brief flicker of memory that he’d been near the bridge that he’d dangled Martin off of but that was it. The only reason why he remembered being near the bridge in the first place was that a woman wearing a wedding dress had wandered past him with her veil billowing all around her and even Ben had thought that was odd. However, there were plenty of other places for him to hide in that Callum wouldn't think to check and Ben figured he must have just missed Callum on his way here and then fallen asleep for a bit and forgotten. 

“I just needed some air,” he mumbled into Callum’s chest; unsure as to why Callum was even here in the first place but feeling too scared to question it. A little bit of hope crept had begun to creep in because surely Callum wouldn’t have spent all day looking for him if he was just going to dump him, would he? Ben wasn't sure and the fact remained that Callum could easily turn around and demand the key to the flat back once he'd stopped crying. It didn't  _ feel  _ like that was going to happen but Ben was usually wrong about these types of things so he remained quiet incase he went and spoilt everything by saying something stupid. The earlier argument was already beginning to trickle out of his head like sand in a bucket and sometimes he remembered it one way and others times it was different which only made Ben more anxious over the way this was going to turn out. In the end, they sat in silence for a while; holding onto each other until Ben’s tears were all dried up and he reluctantly pulled away to face the music.

“Your shirts all gross,” he said quietly as he tried to brush away all the dried tears and snot that was down the front of Callum’s nice clean shirt. It was the one he’d brought specially for when they had their first proper date and more importantly Callum's first date with another  _ man  _ and Ben would hate to think he'd ruined it. 

“Don’t be silly,” Callum chuckled when Ben offered to get it cleaned properly at the laundrette and only held onto him even tighter despite Ben being all cried out by this point, “Come here; let me clean you up a bit.”

Pulling out a wad of tissues, because of  _ course _ Callum would have tissues in his pocket, he set about drying the trail of tears that were still dripping down Ben’s face in a very unattractive fashion and then holding one out for Ben to blow his nose on like his mum used to do when he was little. 

“Thanks,” Ben sniffled as he stuffed the snotty tissue in his pocket and fidgeted awkwardly; unsure of what to do now that Callum wasn’t yelling at him, “I -“

“I’m sorry,” Callum cut in and Ben stared at him in confusion; what did Callum have to be sorry about? It was  _ Ben _ that had messed everything up yet again by being a liar and criminal to boot. 

“Ben, when I was shouting earlier it wasn’t  _ you  _ I was angry at; I was angry at your dad for putting you in that position in the first place and just expecting you to go along with it!” Callum explained calmly and rationally leaving Ben feeling like even more of an idiot for not simply waiting to hear all this himself. Instead, he’d done what he always did when he couldn’t handle something and run off crying and hidden away like a child. 

“Oh,” was all he could muster by way of a response and Ben hung his head slightly only for Callum to lift his head back up so he could look at him properly. 

“I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that either, especially when it wasn’t you I was pissed at,” Callum pushed on and Ben began to feel guilty because he really did sound very sorry when there was no real reason for him to be, “I was just worried about you getting into trouble for something and not because of me wanting to join the force but because I care about  _ you _ Ben.”

The “more than your dad does” was left unsaid and Ben felt even more awful for making Callum feel like he had to apologise when, despite what he'd just said,  _ Ben _ was still the one in the wrong. The way Callum had handled his own homophobic pig of a father had left Ben almost in awe and Callum deserved more than  _ anyone _ to live his life out and proud after being too afraid to be true to himself for so long. It was different from his own dad, all though sometimes Ben didn't feel like he could find the right words to explain why, and he thrust his phone towards Callum intending for him to read all the messages to prove… well, he wasn’t quite sure what but he wanted Callum to know but instead of taking the phone, Callum gently pushed his hand away.

“I don’t need to read all your dads texts, Ben,” Callum told him kindly, “You said you didn’t steal any of the cars and I believe you. I just  _ wish _ you trusted me enough to tell me what was going on in the first place so I could try and help.”

And there it was; trust. The one thing above all else that had risen up and slapped him back down time and time again. Ben had trusted his mum to be his mum forever, not to turn around and abandon him weeks before his tenth birthday. He’d trusted  _ himself  _ with Pauls's life and look at what happened there. Then there were the  _ other _ people Ben had been foolish enough to trust or had been promised could be trusted, only for them to turn around and twist his vulnerability into cruelty and deceit. Creeping in on him in the dead of night and whispering that they knew the  _ perfect _ way to make his dad love him... telling him he didn't deserve to be a Mitchell... how he was a massive disappointment as a son. A little pinch here and there or a punch or sometimes even a  _ kick _ but it was only what Ben had deserved when he constantly fell short of what was expected of him. If he could just - 

“Ben?” Callum said and he startled a bit; trying to ignore that phantom pain of fingers pinching him all along his arm, “What's the matter? Your hands have gone all cold.”

Had they? Ben hadn't noticed and was more fixated on the little indentations he was certain that riddled his forearms. 

"It's just cold in here," he explained but when he tried to take his hands back, Callum held onto them and tried to warm them up by running them with his own. It was a sweet, reassuring gesture or it would have been if Ben wasn't constantly thinking that Callum was suddenly going to dig his nails deep into his skin or pinch him  _ really _ hard. Unable to stand it any longer Ben yanked his hands back and, ignoring the slightly hurt look on Callum's face, he launched into a hurried explanation about how he’d tried to ignore his dad but it had just gotten harder and harder as time went on and in the end, he’d just helped to fix the cars up so they could be gotten rid of quicker; he hadn’t sold any of them nor did he know where they’d come from.

“Your dad shouldn’t be asking you to do this stuff Ben,” Callum sighed as he ran his hands through his hair and looked like he wanted to say a lot more about Phil but was refraining from doing so, “It’s not  _ legal  _ for one thing.”

“I know that,” Ben insisted; still slightly overwhelmed that he wasn’t being dumped, “I just thought… I just thought he might want to spend some time with me.”

It sounded so pathetic when he said it out loud, like something a little kid would say and not a fully grown adult. His bottom lip wobbled slightly when he thought back to all the times Phil had taken Denny to watch football or gone to the boxing with Jay whilst he ended up being left behind. 

“You’ve got your mum and Ian and me,” Callum reminded him, seemingly frustrated that Ben didn’t understand how lucky he was to have such a big family compared to only having Uncle Fester for a brother. Yes, it was true that Ben had a mum and a dad as well as a few brothers and a sister but it was only Jay that had continuously shown he cared about him. According to everyone else Ben was supposed to have come to terms with Kathy’s abandonment by now but whenever he tried to explain that he wasn’t, everything came out all wrong and he ended up getting angry and lashing out at her. Ian had once told him that he was being unfair to her by continuing to "hang onto the past" which had confused Ben because surely his brother should be just as angry if not more so? When Lucy had died Ian had mentioned  _ more _ than once that at least their mum was looking after her wherever she was and she wasn't on her own. He'd been happy knowing that his niece wasn’t alone like he had always felt like, even if it meant that their mum couldn't be with him any more. The happiness was short-lived however because then Ben couldn’t stop thinking about Heather and how she would be with Lucy and Kathy as well, wherever it was they were. Imagining the horrified look on Kathy's face when she found at that the little boy she left behind had turned out to be a killer had haunted Ben for months. Stupidly, he'd thought that when he himself passed on that he would have the chance to tell his mum himself but then he was swiftly reminded that Kathy and Heather were good, kindhearted people and that there was no way he was going to end up wherever they were. It had plagued him for weeks on end over what his mother must think of him to the point where his gran had found him sobbing in the garden in the middle of the night. Halfheartedly she'd tried to comfort him, already knowing that his mother wasn't even dead, and it had helped a little bit to ease his guilt. That was until his dad had let slip during one of his drunken binges that Kathy had known all about Ben killing Heather, she read about it in the paper, but that still wasn’t enough for her to want to come home. It had been Ian and the rest of the family falling apart over Lucy’s death that had drawn her back which was understandable but Ben couldn’t help but feel a little resentful.

“I  _ know _ I've got them it’s just…” Ben trailed off; hating how ungrateful he sounded when Callum barely had any family of his own  _ and _ wouldn't even know his own mother if she stood right in front of him. Ben hated her purely on principle. How could  _ anyone  _ walk out on someone as lovely and kind as Callum? Himself he could understand because he must have done  _ something  _ otherwise his mother would have taken him with her, wouldn’t she? Whoever Callum’s mother was, she was  _ selfish _ and  _ horrible _ for firstly leaving her son to suffer being brought up by someone as terrible as Jono and secondly for never bothering to get in contact with him once he’d reached adulthood. Ben couldn’t even bring himself to feel even a bit sorry for her despite knowing how awful Jono must have been to be married to. She’d missed out on knowing what an amazing and brilliant person her son had turned out to be despite all the damage both his parents had caused. The more he thought about it, Ben wasn’t sure what was worse; having your mum fake her death when you were nine years old or to have never known her at all. 

“It’s just what?” Callum pushed as he took hold of Ben’s hands again and refused to let them go whilst he began to rub some warmth back into them, "Come on Ben at least let me in a little bit; I'm not a mindreader."

Ben hesitated unsure of how to proceed because Callum just didn’t seem to get it. Kathy had abandoned him once before so who’s to say she wouldn’t do it again?  _ Everyone _ that Ben had ever cared about eventually up and left him so what’s to say she wouldn’t take off again? Ben had never told anyone this but even now when his mum was a little bit late coming home from work or had been out shopping he got incredibly anxious that he would never see her again. That she would vanish without a trace for another ten years only for him to find out later that everyone knew where she'd gone but they'd just neglected to tell him. Then there was the embarrassment over feeling jealous of his sixteen-year-old nephew which he  _ definitely  _ was not going to tell Callum about. Bobby had only just got out of prison and needed lots of help readjusting which was understandable but Ben couldn’t stop himself feeling envious that Kathy bestowed so much attention on his nephew. Everyone kept telling him he didn't need his mum as much as Ian or Bobby did but most of the time Ben felt like he was barely holding himself together and would quite like some input from his mother. More often than not it felt like he could barely even talk to her anymore about anything, let alone the big stuff like prison, his sexuality and being a murderer. Sometimes it was simple things like wanting a cuddle or just to chat with her about stuff but Kathy was always busy sorting out the fractured relationship between Bobby and Ian and he felt silly asking her to coddle him like a child. 

“Never mind… none of that matters now anyway,” Ben said tersely; he wanted to get back to Phil and the dodgy cars so he could explain himself properly, “Dad just-”

“This is all my fault,” Callum interjected with a great huff of frustration and Ben stared at him, unable to understand how the other man had concluded that  _ any _ of this was his fault.

“ _ What _ ? No, it’s not!” 

“Yes, it  _ is _ ,” Callum insisted unwilling to let Ben get a word in edgeways to try and persuade him otherwise, “I kept going on and on and  _ on  _ about you getting a new job or going back to school. I didn’t even think about… about the  _ prison _ stuff.”

He glanced at Ben as if he was expecting him to suddenly divulge all the in and outs of what having a criminal record for manslaughter entailed and let out a short sigh of annoyance when Ben remained silent. It was bad enough  _ he _ had to deal with all that stuff, let alone dumping it onto Callum as well. 

“I looked into it a bit just in case you were interested,” Callum carried on earnestly and Ben felt his heart sink a little bit because Callum  _ still _ wasn’t listening to him, “There are lots you could do if you don’t want to carry on working at the Arches. Most colleges don’t even ask about criminal records anymore or we could find something where it doesn’t matter if you’ve been to prison; there are loads of businesses like that and I could help you if you like.”

To anyone else, this would have been a loving gesture of support but Ben only ended up feeling an almost overwhelming amount of pressure that Callum was pushing him down a path he didn’t want to go down. What was he supposed to say? That he didn't want to go back to school because he'd been bullied years ago? It sounded completely idiotic as did explaining that he didn’t want to talk about his time in prison to anyone, least of all Callum. Besides, Ben had been through this all before with Kathy when she decided that he needed to get his life back on track and give college a try despite having only been "alive" for five minutes. Ian had suggested that he go for accounting because “everybody needs an accountant” and he'd always been pretty good at maths. For once Ben had been quite excited about trying something new and Paul, bless him, had gone to the trouble of printing off all the application forms for him. It was all going great until he’d gotten to the end of the entry forms only for the last portion to ask him to declare any criminal convictions he had. Ben had torn the paper up then and there and thrown it straight in the bin without a second glance. Weeks later when everyone was pestering him about it he'd lied and told them all he'd failed the academic requirements for the course. Later on, during a family meal, he’d overheard Ian telling their mum that Ben wasn’t the “type of person” that went onto higher education which Ben took to mean he was too thick to do anything else and ignored Pauls suggestions that he try and apply again. Callum was now looking at him expectantly just like Paul had done and Ben didn’t have the heart to tell him that any chance he had of bettering himself was already a lost cause. 

“Yeah… maybe,” he ended up agreeing halfheartedly which seemed to please Callum immensely and he couldn’t help but feel like he’d dug himself into an even deeper into a hole. 

“See? It’s not all doom and gloom is it?” he said happily and he pulled a paper bag out of his pocket that Ben was certain contained an iced bun, “Here; I brought you this.”

Breaking the bun in half Callum insisted that Ben eat the bigger piece seeing as he’d barely touched his breakfast and needed “feeding up”. Taking the food somewhat reluctantly, Ben nibbled the end of it and tried to ignore how carefully Callum was watching him out of the corner of his eye. Everything tasted funny to him lately and more often than not he just forgot to eat or wasn’t interested when he eventually gave in and tried to force something down. However, the sickly sweet scent of the icing sugar almost overwhelmed him and Ben suddenly felt starving hungry and wolfed the food down along with the rest of the piece Callum offered him.

“I don’t care what you do just as long as your happy and it’s reasonably legal,” Callum was saying earnestly as he wiped cake crumbs off his chin, “I think you need to stop working for your dad though. At least for a bit until we find something you want to do.”

The way he said it made it sound so simple like Ben hadn’t been fighting his whole life to try and find his own identity outside of being a “Mitchell.” Callum was beaming at him now with that soft sweet smile that meant he was proud of Ben for some inexplicable reason so Ben smiled back; keeping to himself the very small detail that he didn’t exactly _ want _ to give up on his relationship with his dad. He’d spent  _ hours _ one night pouring over the texts trying to figure out where he was going wrong with his dad but reading over and over again how useless and stupid he was only served to make him feel even more rubbish about himself than he usually did. He could get it right, he  _ knew  _ he could, he just needed to try harder because sometimes just  _ sometimes  _ Phil would give him that tiniest little hint that he was proud that Ben was his son; not Jay or Denny or Keanu but  _ Ben _ . It was hard to explain but he couldn't just watch another opportunity to prove himself worthy of his dad's affection slip through his fingers. Phil was more than likely going to ignore him now anyway, at least for the time being, so it wasn’t like Callum had to worry about him being caught up with any more of his dad’s criminal dealings anytime soon. 

“Do you want me to speak to your dad?” Callum offered once he’d crumpled up the cake bag and tossed it in the bin, “Maybe I could-”

“No!” Ben interrupted causing Callum to stare at him in surprise and he was once again questioning why on earth his boyfriend put up with him, “I mean... errr... __ thanks but I can handle dad on my own besides; you’ve got that big funeral for the husband of that mad old bat to sort out.”

“Oi! It's not her fault she got a bit upset during the consultation,” Callum chided despite Ben remembering Jay gleefully telling him how the elderly Mrs West had battered Callum over the head with a bunch of flowers purely because they were the wrong shade of cream, “She’s grieving and it sounded awful how her husband went. Kidney failure or something... said they couldn’t get him a transplant in time.”

As soon as he said the word “transplant” Callum’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline, his eyes went wide with panic and a deep, red flush settled across his cheeks. The poor man looked so guilty and embarrassed that Ben decided to put him out of his misery. 

“I know you know about dad,” he sniffled as he wiped his watery eyes again on the hem of his t-shirt, “That he had to have a liver transplant cus of the booze and that I offered to give him a bit of mine.”

“I wasn’t prying or nothing,” Callum said quickly whilst Ben gave a tiny shrug in response, “Me and Lola was just talking after we got back from swimming and Phil just sorta came up… I’m sorry.”

“’S ok,” Ben muttered as he continued to look down at his knees; knowing his resolve would crumble if he looked up at Callum, “They wouldn’t let me do it in the end… said I was too messed up.”

In a twisted way, he’d thought it might make Phil like him more or be proud that he’d been the one to save the day which even Ben was aware was a very messed up way of thinking. Callum would most likely be disgusted if he found that was partly the reason why he'd wanted to be the one to donate a bit of himself to his father so Ben kept his head bowed, even when the other man reached for his hand.

“I still think it was really brave of you to offer to do that for your dad,” Callum reassured him as he rubbed his thumbs in soft circles over Ben’s wrist in a very soothing manner which was nice because Ben hadn’t felt very brave at the time, “I don’t know… I don’t know if  _ I  _ could have done it for my dad.”

“Really?” Ben asked as his head snapped up in surprise; he thought Callum would have been first in line to offer himself up as a sacrificial lamb but then he remembered how disgusting Jono was and he thought better of it. 

“Yeah, I mean… its difficult isn’t it? Why should you help someone that just made your life miserable since you were a kid and couldn’t be bothered to give up the booze for you?” Callum said; his voice rising as his confidence in his own opinions grew and Ben couldn’t help but beam with pride, “But then…”

“But then they might die,” Ben finished off and Callum smiled sadly at him in agreement.

They sat in silence for a while with their hands clasped tightly together; each of them pondering over the hand their childhoods had dealt them and how both their fathers still loomed large over them in more ways than one.

“I’d give  _ you  _ a bit of me liver though,” Callum said with a smile as he nudged Ben playfully in the ribs, “Might even throw in a spare kidney if you needed one or... BEN! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FOOT?!”

Adrenaline pulsed through Ben as the quiet little moment they'd been having shattered and Callum was frantically pointing at the small puddle of blood that was now surrounding his foot. As if on reflex he tried to hide his foot from view only for Callum to grab hold of it and pull it towards him. 

“I must of cut it earlier,” he said vaguely; missing out the part where he’d almost picked another hole in it whilst Callum was busy inspecting it, “It’s fine Callum, honestly.”

“It doesn’t look fine!” Callum told him sternly as he continued to gently poke at it, “Does it hurt?”

Ben shrugged; now he’d stopped crying that weird all-over numb feeling was back and Callum could probably have chopped his foot clean off and he wouldn’t have noticed. 

“Hmmm,” Callum muttered as he took out some more tissue and wiped some of the blood from Ben's foot and asked him a series of questions about his level of pain, what he might have stepped on and ended with him telling Ben he should probably get a tetanus shot just to be on the safe side. Next, he set Bens foot carefully back on the ground as he dug out the car lots ancient first aid kit and then cleaned Bens foot up as best he could. He even popped Ben's shoes and socks on that he'd brought with him  _ and _ did the laces up for him whilst Ben sat and watched patiently. 

“And we don’t have to talk about South Africa either… not if you don’t want to,” Callum told him as he finished fastening his laces and Ben was almost overcome with how nice he was being, “I should have realised that maybe that wouldn’t be something you’d want to talk about or at least not with me anyway.”

A normal person would have no issue discussing their childhood and Ben was almost certain he could sense the disappointment in Callums voice that he didn't want to share that part of his life with him. 

“It’s fine; mum probably has some old recipes somewhere,” Ben found himself saying even though his stomach was already turning over in knots at the thought of revisiting even the happiest part of his childhood. Callum looked ecstatic though and Ben told himself he would just have to get over whatever discomfort he felt if it made his boyfriend happy. If he sucked it up for one afternoon of South African food and Kathy showing Callum his awful baby photos then that would at least be the end of it. 

“Come on,” Callum said as he held his hand out to Ben, “We can watch that old musical you’re so desperate for me to see and we can get a pizza for tea; my treat.”

“Oliver! isn’t just some “old musical” Callum,” Ben huffed as he took hold of his boyfriend's hand, “It’s only possibly the greatest film of _ all _ time!”

“Does it have Zac Efron in it?”

“Go away.”

Thankfully Callum had brought along his coat as well as the pair of shoes and socks with him which was lucky because Ben hadn’t noticed how cold he was until he stood up and he instantly began to shiver. The dead feeling inside him didn't help matters much either and his whole body trembled as he tried to stuff his arms into his sleeves. 

“Come here,” Callum said fondly and Ben found himself being wrapped up in Callum’s ridiculously long arms and held close to his chest like a small child, “Didn’t really think I was gonna dump ya did ya?”

“No,” Ben mumbled into his chest very unconvincingly and even now he wasn't entirely sure why Callum was still sticking with him. 

“Good cus its gonna take more than a few dodgy motors to get rid of me,” Callum told him with a smile as he wrapped Ben tightly up in his coat and kissed the top of his head, "Come on; let's go home."

Once they were back at the flat Callum cleared away the leftover breakfast stuff before digging out the copy of Oliver! Ben had strategically left on top of the TV a few weeks ago. Now he was back in the safety of the flat and Callum didn’t look like he was going to be breaking up with him anytime soon, Ben was beginning to feel even more foolish. He tried to reiterate how sorry he was once again but Callum brushed him off with a smile and told him to stop being silly which did little to lessen the giant knot of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. 

“You cold?” Callum asked when he noticed Ben shivering slightly once again and without waiting for an answer he pulled his grey hoodie off and handed it over for Ben to wear, “There; keep you nice and cosy.”

The extra warmth made him feel a little better as did Callum rubbing the top of his head as he walked past to set the DVD player up so Ben tried to shrug off the weird feeling he was having that his skin didn’t  _ quite _ fit over his body anymore. The whole thing was very unsettling and Ben prodded his sore foot a bit when Callum wasn't looking; relieved when he got a stab of pain by way of a response. The way he was feeling was probably just a bug or something anyway and now Ben thought about it, Lexi had been off school for a few days with some sickness thing and he’d let her sleep in his bed with him to make her feel better. He must have picked it up from her, although his daughter hadn't mentioned anything about feeling like her skin was crawling off her body or an inability to sleep. It would undoubtedly ruin the mood if he told Callum any of this and it was a rarity that they got to spend the evening alone together without Stuart making his presence felt or taking over the living room when they tried to spend time together. 

“Ready?” Callum asked as he settled back down on the sofa armed with the remote and Ben nodded as he fidgeted with the overlong sleeves on Callum’s hoodie. Resting his head against his boyfriend's shoulder, Ben nuzzled his cheek into the soft fabric of Callum's t-shirt and breathed in the soft, familiar scent. It was comforting and made him feel a little bit more at ease but there was still  _ something  _ that wasn’t quite right going on in the back of his head. Without taking his eyes off the telly, Callum slung his arm around Ben’s shoulder and pulled him closer towards him and said, “Come ‘ere; Know you like a cuddle when we watch stuff.”

_ If you touch him then he’ll know all the nasty things you’ve been thinking about him all day... you snivelling little coward! _

Ben pulled his head back sharply; his heart pounding like a military drum against his chest. Where had  _ that _ come from? There was no possible way for that to happen was there? That if Callum so much as brushed up against Ben's bare skin then he would be privy to every dirty little secret Ben had inside his head? Panicking, he tried to back even further away but Callum had already gotten hold of him and held him tight against his chest. 

“This is your favourite yeah?” he was asking; oblivious to Ben’s internal crisis, “I thought it must be when I read the back and saw it was about a gang of criminal kids!”

Laughing loudly he began petting Ben’s hair and nothing bad appeared to be happening or at least Callum gave no indication that he could subliminally read every messed up thought inside Bens brain. The thought had passed almost as quickly as it came and Ben was left wondering why he even thought something so utterly  _ ridiculous _ in the first place. It was stupid to even think that Callum had suddenly morphed into Professor X but the second the idea had popped into his head it just felt so…  _ real.  _ The film was starting now and he cautiously pressed his head even further into Callum’s hand; relieved to only be rewarded with more petting and a kiss to the temple. You're being an idiot, he told himself sternly and all but forced himself to settle back against Callum's lap and concentrate on having a nice evening. Despite having watched Oliver! plenty of times, enough that he literally knew it word for word, it still made Ben's spine tingle when the overture kicked in and he sat up a little straighter; watching Callum out of the corner of his eye to gauge his response. Luckily he didn’t have to worry too much because Callum was enraptured from the word go. 

“They get straight into it with the music don’t they? Whose that?” he questioned despite the film having barely even started, “Is that Oliver? Why’s he been left in that dump? Whose  _ that _ ?”

Callum, as Ben had quickly discovered, was a “talker” which more than made up for his own slightly more silent and reserved attitude to life. He talked during sex, he talked when he was cooking  _ and  _ he talked during films which was something that Ben found rather endearing. He was probably the only one though; Lexi had shushed Callum when he’d kept asking questions during Moana which Ben and Lola both still found hilarious. 

“Oh  _ no _ ; he wasn’t stealing!” Callum cried when Oliver was hauled off by Nancy and Bill Sikes, “Now he’s back with that old bloke!”

“Fagin,” Ben corrected; unable to stop himself as “Oom-pah-pah!” kicked in and Callum began to tap his leg in time to the music. Although he was slightly on edge that Callum was going to turn around and say the film was rubbish, Ben was beginning to relax a bit more now and even hummed along with a few of the songs.

“Ohhh  _ not  _ the dog,” Callum muttered as Bill Sikes aimed a kick at his poor, faithful companion Bullseye as he went on the run from the townsfolk, “Nothing happens to the dog does it?”

“No.” 

“Good.”

The film was almost at the end now and they'd come to the bit where Oliver finally found his real family with the Brownlow’s and Ben felt himself getting oddly emotional. It must be nice, he thought, to be welcomed and loved unconditionally by a family that had only just found out you existed. That’s what he hoped that Callum felt when he was with himself, Lexi, Lola and Jay despite not having much of “blood” family around him. Reaching up he kissed Callum softly on the cheek and was rewarded with Callum beaming at before he turned his attention to the last few minutes of the film. 

“Wow; I can’t believe I’ve never seen that before!” Callum said excitedly as the last of the end credits rolled and Ben smiled to himself; happy that he wasn’t being made fun of and finally having someone to share his love of musicals with, “Is there a sequel?!”

“No babe; musicals don’t really do sequels,” Ben told him and he tried not to laugh at the slightly disappointed look on Callum’s face, “There’s the book though and some other adaptations but there’s only one musical.”

“There’s  _ more _ than one version?” Callum asked him excitedly as he pulled his phone out to google it, “So which one did we watch?”

“The  _ best  _ version of course but there are a few film versions and they adapted it for TV once,” Ben rattled off nonchalantly as if he hadn’t devoured every single one of them on multiple occasions. He’d tried to read the book in prison but one of the other boys had found it, ripped half the pages out and scrawled “FAG” on the rest before he’d gotten past the first chapter. Once he'd gotten out he'd pushed all the musical theatre stuff to one side and much like being gay tried to pretend that that part of his life didn't exist anymore. Paul had offered to get the pair of them tickets for the West End but Bens self-acceptance had been far too brittle when they were together and they’d never got round to even watching a musical, let alone seeing one on stage. It was different now he was older and had come to terms with who he was but it was still only ever with Lexi or when he was on his own that he'd throw on some show tunes and fully relax. Callum was now asking him lots of thoughtful and insightful questions about Oliver! ranging from who made the songs up, was it based on a real person and who was Ben’s favourite character? Despite the tiny part of his brain that was scared Callum was going to turn around and laugh at him, Ben answered all the questions albeit briefly but with little room for expansion. 

“You should have said you liked all this stuff,” Callum huffed as he gestured to the still rolling credits on the TV screen, “I never would have found out if it weren’t for that quiz we went to.”

They’d been in the Vic taking part in a charity quiz night that Shirley had organised and had been neck and neck with Team Branning when Ben had accidentally outed himself as the resident musical nerd. 

“One for you here Ben,” Shirley had said with a bit of a smirk on her face whilst Callum had looked curiously at him, “In which musical will you find the characters Mickey, Linda, Edward and Mrs Johnstone?”

Before Jack even had time to register the question, Ben had slammed his hand down so hard on his team's buzzer that he almost broke it and yelled out “BLOOD BROTHERS!” much to the amusement of Jay and Lola.

“CORRECT!” Shirley shouted and Ben couldn’t help but feel more than a little pleased with himself; he’d been abysmal at the sports questions, “You can have another point if you can tell me the opening line.”

“ _ Tellmeit'snottruesayit'sjustastory _ .”

“Correct! And that ladies and gents is the end of our Quiz; congratulations to team Mitchell-Brown-Pearce-Highway!”

“How’d you know that?” Callum had immediately asked in shocked undertones once Tina had handed them their winners round of drinks and Ben had blushed bright red causing a drunken Jay to tease him about being “Mr Musical”. 

“Ask him about his tap-dancing days!” he’d slurred causing Lola to kick him hard underneath the table and hiss at him to shut up. Later when they were alone Callum had pushed a bit further and aided by the couple of pints he’d had during the quiz, Ben had told him all about how his mum had gotten him into musicals when he was a kid and then how his gran had taken him up the West End a few times as a treat. He conveniently left out all the bullying he’d endured by the kids at school once they found out about his love of ballet or the time Phil had thrown all his musical DVDs in the bin during a drunken rampage. He’d thought that would have been the end of it but then Callum went a brought a whole box set of classic films and insisted that they watch them together. 

“We could see if it's on down at the West End if you want,” Callum was telling him excitedly as he picked up his phone and started scrolling through it, “Oh; it says here Oliver closed in two thousand and eleven…We could see something else though... there must be other musicals on and I’ve never been down the West End before.”

Ben stomach let out a loud rumble in way of response causing Callum to burst out laughing and tell him he’d throw in dinner for two as well. 

‘I used to watch all the old war films with my granddad,” Callum reminisced as he handed Ben over the pizza menu, “Bridge Over The River Kwai and that kind of stuff but  _ nothing  _ like this. What other ones do you like? I know there's that one with the people dressed up as cats and I've heard that singing nun one is supposed to be good.”

He spread his arms out wide which Ben took as an indication he meant the Sound of Music and he couldn’t help but smile a little. Callum's enthusiastic response had been unexpected and he'd half assumed that whilst he wouldn't outrightly mock him, Callum would only have pretended to like Oliver! to be polite. The look on Phil’s face when Ben had asked to watch The Sound of Music with him when he was a kid was something he’d never forget, especially as he’d had to suffer through Jurassic Park instead and been terrified. The only other person in his life that didn’t outrightly mock his love for musicals was Jay but his brother was never interested in actually watching them with him. Callum, on the other hand, appeared to have thoroughly enjoyed himself and Ben was cautiously optimistic about the situation. He was midway through telling Callum a brief history of Gilbert and Sullivan and how The Pirates of Penzance was based on real-life Naval officers when the doorbell rang singling the arrival of their food. 

“Got your appetite back then?” Callum asked as he munched happily on a piece of pepperoni, “Go on; you have the last slice.”

He tipped the remaining slice of meat feast pizza onto Bens plate who, despite feeling starving hungry only hours earlier, struggled his way through the last bit of food. The pizza had a horrible,  _ greasy _ taste to it that seemed to get worse with every mouthful and Ben picked at more than he ate. Forcing the last of it down he tossed the crust aside and tried not to gag whilst Callum was busy looking for a Marvel film he wanted them to watch. An odd,  _ uncomfortable _ feeling was threading its way through his skin once again and Ben desperately tried to suppress it as Callum came back to sit next to him. Watching the musical had almost rendered him back to normal but now everything just felt all wrong again and even Callum pulling him into his lap for a cuddle was doing little to help. 

“You’ll like this one,” Callum insisted as he pressed play, “It’s more like a spy movie than a superhero film  _ and  _ it’s got Sebastian Stan in it.”

Ben didn’t really like action films and he  _ hated _ horror films which was why he was so surprised that Callum had believed him when he said it was the zombie films he’d been watching with Jay that kept him up at night. Those types of films always felt way too loud and intense for his taste and he preferred something a bit more calming that wasn't rammed full of CGI effects. He was quite happy with his musicals, the old black and white films from the 40s and 50s and Lexi’s Disney films. Callum, on the other hand, loved anything with an action scene in it and more often than not Ben would have to sit through some silly spy film or something with Tom Cruise in it that he tried to enjoy. 

“You all set?” Callum asked cheerfully and Ben nodded; already dreading the film and wishing that they could just rewatch Oliver! a second time. 

From the start, the film was very loud and Ben was already struggling to follow all the complicated plot points; everything felt far too  _ bright _ and agitation rolled through his body in waves. Nobody seemed to be who they said they were either and Ben couldn’t shake the intense feeling of paranoia he had throughout most of the film. The idea that they were all lying to each other and pretending to be on the same side but deep down they were all doing these terrible, awful things wasn’t  _ right  _ and was making him feel sick again. 

“Oh  _ no _ ; he shot Nick Furry!” Callum exclaimed as the sound of gunfire rang in Ben’s ear and he debated taking his hearing aid out for the remainder of the film. Eventually, the film moved on to something else and he tried to focus his attention once more which was difficult, Callum kept touching him, but he managed to figure out that the poor main character had been brainwashed by an evil government organisation and had been forced to do all sorts of terrible things. Paul had once told him that it sounded like Phil had brainwashed Ben with his whole “family” rhetoric and at the time Ben had been incredibly angry that Paul would even suggest that. They’d said the same thing to him in prison and one of the slightly nicer therapist they’d set him up with had gone one step further by telling him that his father had been abusive towards him which didn’t make any sense. Abuse was what happened to those poor kids that got molested or smacked about on the regular and Phil had only ever hit Ben a few times when he was growing up. He’d explained all this but his therapist had only sighed heavily and handed him a book called "Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse" which Ben had promptly tossed in the bin when he’d gotten back to his cell. Jay had lived with Phil as well and  _ he  _ never got hit; same with Louise and Denny. Ben was the disappointment, the one that screwed up all the time, the one that had  _ killed _ someone…

“This bit’s  _ really _ good,” Callum said excitedly as he nudged Ben just a little too hard to get his attention and sent him spiralling a little further. Unfortunately, Ben had lost all the strands of the plot by this point and was unsure as to what was even going on or who anyone was. All the faces of the characters seemed to be sliding around and he was finding it increasingly difficult to follow along with what the characters were saying as they were all talking over each other or not speaking loud enough for him to hear. Callum didn’t have any such problems and he was gripping Ben’s arm excitedly as yet another screechingly loud car chase took place.

“Oh OH! This is my  _ favourite _ bit!” he practically shouted as the film moved onto some sort of awful torture scene and all the screaming was making the knot of anxiety in Ben’s stomach tighten to the point where he felt like he was going to vomit all over the carpet. Ben desperately wanted to turn it off, or at least turn the volume down, but Callum was enjoying the film and Ben didn’t want to spoil it for him so he remained silent until it thankfully came to an end twenty minutes later. 

“That was great wasn’t it?” Callum said happily and Ben nodded in agreement despite having looked resolutely at the floor for the remainder of the film, “It wasn’t as good as the musical mind you but it was better than Age of Ultron  _ and  _ Justice League.” 

Then Callum was excitedly telling Ben about all his favourite Marvel characters, how he read all the comics growing up and if Ben didn’t mind they could to some convention thing they had every year in central London. It was a lot and Ben wished he would calm down or speak slower because everything Callum was saying kept getting jumbled up and confused with the film they'd just watched. 

“You don’t have to dress up if you don’t want to, although I reckon you’d make a pretty cute Ewok,” Callum was teasing and Ben tried to pretend like he knew what on earth an Ewok was. Next thing he knew Callum was buying a family pass so they could take Lexi with them to the comic thing and Ben's head was starting to pound with all the information he was trying to take in. The rest of the evening passed by in a bit of a blur but Ben still tried to be helpful and assist with tidying away the pizza box, despite Callum telling him to leave it until tomorrow. 

“Come on,” he whispered as he pulled Ben flush against and him making it  _ very  _ obvious what he was in the mood for, “Let's go to bed.”

The light from the streetlamp outside had cast an eerie glow all around the corners of the bedroom that weren't already bathed in darkness and Ben trembled sightly; something Callum mistook for excitement rather than fear as he backed him into the room with soft, slow kisses. They were kissing more urgently now and Ben tried to focus on Callum and touching him in all the right places despite his own body feeling cold to the touch and out of place. The lack of light was making him feel frightened as if something was going to claw its way out from underneath the bed, and his eyes darted nervously around the room. Callum, who was distracted with pulling his clothes off, didn't appear to notice the way the pattern on the carpet looked like a twisted version of a nameless face with its mouth open wide to swallow them whole. Something moved out in the darkness, Ben was  _ certain _ of it, and he huddled closer to the other man who pulled him eagerly towards him by his belt loops. Large hands began to undress him and Ben shivered once more as the cold air touched his skin; trying to ignore the way the shadows seemed to bend and claw their way towards him. 

“Callum,” he said shakily as he nervously began to sweat, “Callum, can we put the light on?”

“Mmmm?” Callum murmured distractedly as he kissed his way down Ben’s neck and his hand moved deftly to rub at Ben's arousal between his legs, “God, you’re so fucking  _ beautiful _ .”

Ben didn't feel very beautiful, more like some ugly creature that should be living underneath a bridge somewhere, and he mumbled as much but Callum was too busy wrapping his arms around his waist; his hands grabbing fistfuls of Ben's arse cheeks. Aware that he should be doing something, Ben rubbed himself against Callum almost like he was trying to climb into the other man's skin such was his need to be closer to him. Things were moving quickly now but Ben still found himself unable to concentrate fully so he dropped to his knees to take Callum in his mouth. 

Tuning in to the blissful sounds his partner was making and the hand placed firmly on his head was helping somewhat but all too soon Callum was motioning for him to stop. Then he was being hauled up onto his feet and Callum's lips crashed onto Bens as he urged him backwards to lay down on the bed. Wriggling up to the head of the bed, Ben quickly clicked the bedside lamp on whilst Callum was busy foraging for a condom and some lube. The room instantly lit up and Ben was almost blinded by the light as it flooded into the dark corners and beat the shadows back into submission. Fear still gripped him like a vice but Ben felt it slowly start to ease off as he scanned the room for any sign of danger and upon finding none, he began to calm down somewhat. Callum had found the condoms now and Ben reached out to run his hands over his boyfriend's ample thighs; eagerly anticipating what the rest of the night had in store for them. 

“I thought it would be romantic if we did it in the dark,” Callum said with a soft chuckle and he leaned back over Ben to turn the lamp off and plunged them back into darkness once more, “Be a bit like we’re in one of those black and white films you like.”

Ben nodded dumbly; unsure as to which film Callum was referring to because he was pretty sure none of them had a scene where one of the characters was petrified to be left in the dark. This must be Callum’s idea of role-playing he thought as Callum’s warm, lubed up fingers began to brush up against him and Ben shut his eyes to avoid looking at all the shadows gathering back up again on the wall opposite from him. Callum was using his mouth as well as his fingers now which left Ben feeling even more exposed and vulnerable as he lay there unprotected in the darkness. It wasn't that he didn't want to have sex, he would have just gotten Callum off and left it at that if that was the case, Ben would rather have done it under the covers where it was safe and with the lights on. Having Callum down there where he couldn't see him, however good it felt, was making him feel frightened once more so he tugged on Callum's hair to get his attention. With Callum’s size and slight lack of experience, they usually took their time to get to this point and he wasn’t surprised when Callum looked up at him quizzically.

"I need you now," he whimpered; hoping he sounded sexy rather than terrified and it seemed to do the trick because Callum quickly pulled back and set about rolling the condom onto himself. Despite the threat of danger out there in the gloom, Ben knew he would feel better once Callum was inside and on top of him or that was until he noticed that Callum had moved to lie down so Ben could ride his lap like they usually did; that wasn't what he wanted at  _ all.  _ Being defenceless with his back to the shadows... not knowing if something was going to sneak up on him or not... not knowing if something had come creeping into the room whilst he wasn't looking...

“Can you go on top this time?” he practically begged as he all but folded in on himself, "Please?"

“Sure,” Callum said eagerly as he rolled himself into a different position, “Just let me know if I squash ya.”

Callum being taller and having more muscle on him meant that when he laid down on top of him, he covered Ben completely and all Ben saw was his beautiful face smiling down at him and not the looming mass of shadows stretched out in front of him. When Callum finally pushed inside him Ben responded by wrapping his arms around him and pulling him tight against him as they moved together as one. Everything felt so much better now they were having sex but Ben still squeezed his eyes tightly shut. Callum talked to him a lot when they made love; how sexy he was, how  _ good _ he made him feel, how he’d been thinking about him all day, was the rhythm good? Did he need it harder? Faster? Usually, Ben lapped up the praise and would respond by saying something filthy to make Callum laugh but tonight all he could do was cling onto the other man like he was a life raft that was stopping him from drowning. 

"So fucking good," Callum groaned as he slung one of Ben's legs over his forearm and hammered into him, "So fucking  _ good _ ." 

Callum was grunting with exertion now but Ben was unable to enjoy himself properly because he was  _ certain _ he could hear something  _ else  _ lurking out there in the darkness and he couldn't stop himself letting out a loud whimper. 

"Mmmmm... I know," Callum breathed as their sweaty bodies crashed together; mistaking Ben's fear for desire as he quicked his movements. 

He wanted to tell Callum to go harder, faster so it would hurt and he would finally feel  _ something  _ other than fear but his mouth got stuck over the words and before long his orgasm hit him. It was good, nice even, but it didn’t feel like it usually did but luckily Callum was in the middle of his own climax and too preoccupied to notice. 

"Fucking  _ amazing, _ " Callum panted as he rolled off him and was trying to catch his breath back but Ben was still laying flat on his back almost motionless staring at the ceiling. The light still didn't go on, not even when Callum nipped to the bathroom to get a washcloth to clean them both up with and Ben remained frozen in place as he waited for him to return. Afterwards when Callum held him so tenderly Ben found himself crying all over again; unable to explain to a worried-looking Callum what was making him so tearful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello... sorry this took so long to update; moving from one side of the country during a pandemic is very time consuming! I'll be updating more regularly from now with a Callum POV for the next chapter. Hope you're all keeping safe!


	7. Many A Good Man...

_"I came home, but Tex did not, And I can't talk about the hit he got."_

“…. that was Drive On by the late, great Johnny Cash and now over to Manjeet with today’s weather report…” 

Yawning, Callum switched off the car radio midway through Manjeet telling him to prepare for rain this weekend and continued down the long, winding gravel driveway that led up to the Shady Acres Retirement Home. Peering out of the window he was surprised at how modern the building looked with its clean lines, decorative mouldings and electronic gates; nothing like the dilapidated old place his grandad had ended up in the last few months of his life. Luscious green trees lined the front entrance and the building itself looked like it had been cut out of one of those fancy hotel brochures that Whitney had always been immersed in and had heavily hinted that they should spend a night at. 

“It’ll be romantic,” she’d purred one evening as she'd waved a brochure for Linthwaite House under his nose whilst dressed in a barely-there nightdress and heels. Floundering, Callum had tried to make up some excuse as to why he didn’t want to go and ended up feigning illness the entire night and every other night Whit brought up romantic getaways. In his mind, the sole purpose for going to places like that was to have sex and Callum could barely perform in the comfort of his own bed at the best of times, let alone in a very expensive hotel room with Whitney dressed up to the nines. Looking back he’d always felt rather guilty about getting her hopes up like that, especially now since he would jump at the chance to stay somewhere romantic and have a few days away with Ben. Going back and forth between his flat, Ian’s and Phil’s was beginning to get to be a bit too much since neither option gave them a decent amount of privacy due to all three places being full of people. The Beales were nice enough and they'd only stayed at Phil's a handful of times when nobody was in and, to be honest, it was his flat that was causing the most issues. Only a few days ago he’d had to put up with Ranie and Stuart making fun of him after they’d had the misfortune to overhear him and Ben having admittedly rather noisy sex the night before.

“Didn’t know you had it in you bruv!” Stuart had jeered when Callum had come into the kitchen for some cereal; clapping him on the back whilst Callum’s face turned almost as red as the tomato sauce bottle.

“I didn't know you was in," he’d muttered whilst Stuart was in the middle of some sort of bizarre re-enactment that was supposed to be him and Ben in the midst of passion, "Just drop it will ya?”

“Oh come on Cal, we’re only messing about!” Ranie had replied a bit snappily; seemingly annoyed that he wasn’t taking their “teasing” with good humour. 

In the end, Callum had flounced off to work early to get away from them; irritated that his sex life was constantly being used as some sort of joke between the pair of them. Thankfully he was past the embarrassment he'd first felt at being overheard but even still, it had been the type of pure, primal,  _ animalistic  _ sex that nobody wanted their older brother to hear them having. They just hadn't seemed able to get enough of one another that night and had tried something a little different and Callum had been  _ rough _ , rougher than he usually was, but every indication he got from Ben was that he was enjoying it. Callum was just grateful that neither Stuart nor Ranie had been around after he’d retrieved a tearful Ben from the car lot because the sex they’d had after had been…  _ odd _ . Not that it wasn’t enjoyable or anything but to have Ben burst into tears on him almost directly after they’d finished had been unsettling, to say the least. Ben kept reassuring him that he was fine and not to worry but having only slept with one other person, Callum still wasn’t entirely sure if that was normal behaviour or not. Mick could probably offer him some advice on what to do but Callum wasn’t one for talking about his sex life or anyone else’s for that matter; it felt far too much like the “laddish” culture he’d had to endure back in the army. Hearing them all talking about how "wet a girls pussy was", how good she "sucked dick" and all the rest still made his skin crawl and he cringed at all the lies he'd told about the stuff  _ he’d _ done with girls just to try and fit in. Thankfully that whole mess was mostly behind him now but the fact remained that he and Ben could do with a break and some time away from the square, Stuart  _ and  _ Phil. 

Grabbing his folder full of paperwork, Callum made a mental note to start looking into romantic mini-breaks when he got home, climbed out of the car and headed through the fancy glass doors that led up to the reception desk.

“Callum Highway from Coker and Mitchell Funeral Directors to see a Mr Barrow please,” he told the receptionist who smiled brightly at him and pointed him in the direction of the senior's lounge that was down the hallway and to the left.

Being a funeral director wasn’t exactly what Callum had envisioned himself doing once he left the army and he’d surprised himself by how much he enjoyed it. At first, panic had set in that he’d be rubbish at it and after being around death so much during his deployment, a funeral parlour wouldn’t be a very good fit for him. Whitney hadn’t understood his reservations or the fact that he could never give her a straight answer as to why the position would be uncomfortable for him so, as usual, he’d just said “yes” when offered the job and prayed it wouldn’t all end in tears. Having been there for a couple of months now Callum had really taken to the role and he actually found it very cathartic listening to the customers, especially the elderly ones, when they came in to talk about their deceased relatives and to help them plan for their final send-off. Being unashamedly cheerful by nature had actually been an asset for once and it was often Callum that Jay sent along to the retirement homes to “Cheer all the old dears up” and he was quite looking forward to today's visit in a weird way, plus he got paid extra for home visits which meant more money to go towards his sex-fueled getaway with Ben.

Typically they didn’t get many living people requesting to plan their funerals and he'd been under the impression he was meeting the deceased's relative so Callum had been a little confused when he found the recipient of the soon-to-be funeral, a Mr Barrow, sat in an overstuffed armchair by the window. 

“Mr Barrow?” he called loudly as he approached the old man sitting up perfectly straight in his chair, “My names Callum Highway; I’m from Cockers Funeral Directors.”

“Ahh Mr Highway do take a seat,” Mr Barrow said in a broad Yorkshire accent as he indicated the chair opposite, “And it’s  _ Captain _ Barrow if you don’t mind.”

Callum froze mid-step; nobody back at the parlour had mentioned anything about the client being a  _ veteran _ . Feeling slightly sick, his eyes immediately fell on the two rows of glittering service medals that proudly adorned Captain Barrow’s suit jacket and then to the green beret that he’d mistaken for a flat cap perched proudly atop the old man's head. Even the mug of tea resting on the table next to Captain Barrows chair was decorated with the globe and laurel, the insignia of the Royal Marine Commandos, and Callum felt his breath start to hitch as he dutifully sat down in the armchair opposite. The room suddenly felt overly hot and stuffy as if a dry desert heat had infiltrated it somehow and Callum began to sweat profusely; loosening his tie in the hopes that that would let some extra air in. Every fibre of his being was  _ screaming _ at him to jump up from his seat and bolt out of the room but the elderly gentleman was looking at him expectantly which caused Callum to falter slightly because he couldn’t very well up and walk out on a client. With trembling hands, he pulled out the paperwork he’d brought with him and tried to get himself back on track. 

“Hello, Mr…. sorry! I mean…  _ Captain _ . Mr Barrow Captain,” Callum babbled; aware that he sounded even more foolish by the second as his nerves got the better of him, “You wanted to discuss a funeral? Yours I hope! Well, not  _ hope  _ because it's awful that you're dying... I mean if you  _ are  _ dying... sorry. ”

“Gosh; you’re an awkward one aren’t you Mr Highway?!” Captain Barrow said with a no-nonsense chuckle and Callum was forcibly reminded of the way his past senior officers used to reprimand him when he had a "Halfway Moment", “I don’t bite and my days of giving young men like you a ticking off have long since passed!”

Callum laughed nervously; sweat beginning to bead across his forehead as he fumbled with his paperwork once more. Trying not to feel sick, he took a few deep, calming breaths whilst Captain Barrow was busy taking a sip of his tea and gathered himself together; the quicker he got started the sooner he could leave. 

“So you were in the military then?” he asked as if he hadn’t already worked this out the second he walked in the door. Playing dumb and acting like he’d hadn’t spent most of his life in and out of an army uniform felt like the only way to avoid answering any awkward questions about his own previous career as a soldier. Captain Barrow would inevitably want to know why a relatively young man such as himself had left a long-standing career to become a funeral director and Callum wanted to avoid that line of questioning as much as possible. 

“Royal Marines; thirty years of service to Queen and country,” Captain Barrow replied as he patted his medals proudly, “I bet that seems like a lifetime to you young’ uns.”

Callum swallowed a lump in his throat; unsure how to feel about the fact that  _ he _ could have been stuck in the army for thirty-plus years if he hadn't lied his way out. Whilst he might have spared Whitney the pain of their fake relationship and wedding, he also would never have met Ben, come out or become close to his brother once again. For all he knew he could be six feet under by now or have had his limbs blown off just like so many of the lads he knew. Just like  _ Jordan  _ and Callum physically had to shake his head to get rid of the awful memories of that day; all the noise, all the  _ screaming... _

“My grandad fought in the World War II,” he ploughed on as a way to distract himself whilst Captain Barrow nodded in approval, “He was in the army; 8th Battalion, Duke of Wellington’s Regiment. When he died he left me his medals he got in the war as a sort of good luck thing.”

“That's good that you keep them as a memento of not just your grandad but the price that was paid to get them. War is not quite like as sometimes seen on the screen, it was more personal than that,” Captain Barrow told Callum who was trying desperately to look like he didn’t already know this, “It has to be remembered. War cost so many lives and injured just as many, and the despair of one day having your family robbed by being fatally hit by some weapon or the other was very real. Everyone dreaded that telegram. Some so young they never had the chance to have their first kiss.”

A sudden image of his friend Jordan with his legs blown off screaming for help flashed before Callum’s eyes and he clamped his mouth shut to stop himself being sick. The smell of spilt blood filled the room and Callum remembered how surreal it had felt that his first instinct was to retrieve Jordans missing boot only to find half a severed leg still in it. It was almost comical that the first thing he thought to do was to go and bring back a missing piece of footwear, just like how he'd always go looking for his grandad's slippers back when he was a kid. What wasn't  _ funny _ was the aftermath and it must have shown on his face because Captain Barrow was suddenly asking if he was ok, that he'd gone very pale. Sweat was dripping all the way down the back of his neck now and it was all he could do to stop himself from bolting out of the room but like a good soldier, Callum forced himself to sit up straight and carry on. Shaking off the other man's concerns he got straight into asking him about the Captain's life story and how that was to be incorporated into his funeral. 

It turned out that Captain Thomas Barrow had lied about his age to join up for the Royal Marines and was stationed on SS Empire Battleaxe in 1942, survived the D-Day landings and eventually made his way around the world fighting the germans and Japanise in World War II. Withered by time, the chair he was sat in swamped him but despite that an aura of respect still surrounded him and Callum found himself sitting up straight to attention purely by force of habit. Talking to Captain Barrow was a bit like talking to his Grandad back when he’d actually enjoyed hearing all the old war stories. 

“I don’t want a fuss,” he interjected when Callum suggested having the wake at his old regiments social club, “All I want is the Royal Marines band to play me out, the real one mind you not this pre-recorded rubbish, and then you can sling me in the ground or do whatever you want with me; won’t make no difference to me. Just make sure I’m next to my Elsie and that one of my son's kiddies reads a nice poem or something. Nothing miserable mind.” 

“Is Elsie your wife?” Callum asked as he scribbled all this down; already trying to figure out how on earth he was going to convince the real Royal Marine’s band to play at Captain Barrow’s funeral.

“Was. She died three years ago,” Captain Barrow explained and suddenly he looked incredibly sad, “Sixty-eight years we were married and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. Beautiful girl was my Elsie. She’d sit herself in that chair you’re sitting in now and we’d watch all the birds from the window together. Sometimes it feels like she never left.”

Callum shifted awkwardly in the chair; fearful that he might be sitting on Elsie’s ghost or worse still, blocking her view of the bird table. Hearing all the stories about everyone's long and happy marriages when he'd been preparing to get married to Whitney had  _ terrified _ him but when he thought about his life now, his life with  _ Ben _ , being all alone again scared him half to death. Now that he finally had someone he could be himself with, his true self, and all the stuff Callum had kept hidden over the years just seemed to come out and he’d told Ben more about himself in the few short months they’d known each other than he had done to anyone else in his entire life. Most importantly Callum  _ liked _ talking to Ben about stuff; he was a good listener, there was never any judgement for the things Callum had done, he didn’t interrupt Callum when he was talking and despite what he might think he gave really good advice.

“Best thing I ever did was marry my Elsie. Better than getting these damn medals that’s for sure!” the Captain continued with a laugh as he gestured to the vast array of medals pinned to his jacket, “Are you married, Callum? Or do you young folk not go in for marriage these days?”

“No, I’m not married but… but I’ve got a boyfriend,” Callum replied; his heart hammering in his chest because saying he had a boyfriend to virtual strangers was still very new to him, “His names Ben.”

“Boyfriend eh? Very modern.” was all Captain Barrow had to say on that before he launched into very detailed instructions on what he wanted the food to consist of which was pork pies, cheese and pickle sandwiches and fruit cake. 

“I want real,  _ proper _ sandwiches,” he told Callum firmly as if anything less would mean he would come back and haunt him, “The kind you could stop a door with, not those silly little things you couldn’t feed a bird with. And make sure you get a fruit cake with  _ cherries _ in it; that was my Elsie’s favourite.” 

Underlining cherries three times, Callum finished up with the rest of the paperwork which unfortunately entailed having to contact the Royal Marines warrant office for proof of Captain Barrow’s service so he could try and convince them to let him have the band for the funeral. Even war monuments made him feel awkward and out of place and Callum dreaded the thought of going back to a military barracks and was already trying to figure out how he could palm this off onto Jay. After hearing some more about Elsie and her birds and telling the Captain a bit about Ben and his secret love for cats, Callum decided it was time to leave; it felt like he was about to hear another war story and as guilty as he felt for running out, he just couldn't stay in that close, confined room for another second. 

“Mind how you go and the next time we see each other I’ll be in one of your fancy coffins!” Captain Barrow said with a laugh as he shook Callum’s hand with a surprising amount of strength for someone so old. 

Hurrying out the door Callum shouted his apologies to an old lady he almost knocked over as he practically sprinted over to his car; his breath coming out in great burst now he had escaped the confines of Captain Barrow’s stuffy retirement room. The fresh air did little to remove the dry, sandy smell that seemed permanently attached to his nostrils or the all-over prickly feeling that Callum just didn’t seem able to shake from his skin. Wrenching the car door open he dropped into his seat and slammed it shut behind him effectively sealing himself into the protective bubble of his car. It took him a while to calm down, to tell himself that he was being  _ ridiculous _ and that he only had himself to blame for feeling like this. Captain Barrow was a  _ real  _ hero, not a fake one like Callum was and it made him almost tearful that he'd even had the audacity to sit across from the elderly man and lie about his past. Shaking slightly and desperate to talk to the only person that he knew would understand how he was feeling, Callum scrambled for his phone and scrolled through his contacts. 

“Hey um it’s me,” he said awkwardly as he went straight through to Ben’s voice mail, “Can you call me when you get this? Nothing’s wrong… I just really need to talk to you.”

Fifteen minutes ticked slowly past as Callum waited to see if Ben would call him back but after he glanced at the clock it dawned on him that Ben was currently elbows deep servicing Mick’s jeep and it would be ages before he got to check his phone. Tossing his phone to one side Callum took a few more deep breaths before reluctantly started the engine and began the long journey back to Walford and was well after seven in the evening by the time he finally got home. Killing the engine he'd barely had time to take his seatbelt off before someone tapped loudly on the window and Callum looked up hoping to see Ben, but instead found Stuart grinning back at him. Forcing a smile Callum wound the window down; this was the  _ last _ thing he needed right now. 

“All right bruv?” Stuart said cheerfully as he loomed over the car, “Jay said you was out on a call so I thought I’d wait here for ya till you came back.”

“Oh,” was all the enthusiasm Callum could muster as he rubbed his eyes tiredly with the back of his hand, “Everything all right?”

“Yeah! I just thought we could go have a drink together seeing as its Friday night and all that! Pubs not too busy or we could go down the Albert if that’s more your scene these days.”

“I dunno Stu,” Callum sighed as he glanced up at the window to the flat, “I’m kind of tired…”

All he’d been thinking about on the drive back was how much he wanted to get back home to Ben and talk through his day with him. Ben would make it better, that’s what he’d told himself, or at least be able to stop him wallowing in his guilty feelings. He’d even pulled over halfway through his journey and tried calling him again but the call had gone straight through to voicemail which meant that Ben still had his head stuck under a car bonnet. Now he was home it seemed like he was going to have to wait even longer to spill out all the anxiety that had been eating away at him because his bother was  _ really _ insistent about dragging him to the pub for a bonding session.

"Oh come on bruv," Stuart whined and Callum already began to feel guilty, "I never get to see you these days since you've been going out with  _ him _ ."

Callum's nostrils flared but his head felt like a rung out sponge and he was too tired to insist that Stuart refer to Ben by his proper name. The last thing he wanted to do was to go and sit in a crowded pub but Stuart was looking at him rather hopefully and he could already feel himself start to cave in. 

“All right,” he conceded causing Stuart let out a loud whoop of joy that startled an elderly lady that was walking past, “But just  _ one _ ; I’ve had a long day.”

“ _ Yes _ !! Highway brothers back together!”

Stuarts enthusiasm was infectious and Callum couldn’t help but smile a little as he got out of the car; now that Jonno was out of the picture they could finally start to rebuild their relationship after all these years and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't missed his brother. The pub wasn't overly busy for a Friday but it was still early and Callum's stomach did a nervous roll when he spotted Whitney on her way back to the bar from the toilets. Unsure of what to do he gave her a small wave; relieved when she gave him a brief smile before turning her back on him and resuming her conversation with Chantelle. 

"Come on bruv," Stuart said as he jabbed Callum hard in the back to get him moving, "We'll lose our table if you keep standing there gawping!"

With one last look at his ex-fiancee, Callum made his way over to the empty table that Stuart had pointed out and decided that he would just have to accept that that was all he was going to get for the time being. With Stuart headed over to the bar, Callum pulled his phone out to find three missed calls from Ben and some frantic text messages asking where he was and what was wrong. It dawned on him that there must have been a problem with the signal after he went under the Dartford Tunnel and Callum was about to call Ben back only for Stuart to knock the phone clean out of his hand.

“STU!” he snapped as he just about managed to hang onto his phone, “What did you do that for?!”

"Hey come on now no phones tonight little bruv!" Stuart chided as he went to grab the phone out of Callum’s hand again, "We're supposed to be spending quality time together!”

"I just need to call Ben and tell him where I am," Callum explained through gritted teeth as he began to re-dial his boyfriend's number, "Then I'm all yours."

Frustratingly this wasn't enough for Stuart and he lunged for the phone as if it was all some big joke and Callum felt himself getting angrier and angrier as he tried to push his brother away from him. 

"Now now; you can't be under the thumb  _ already _ can you?" Stuart jeered and he made another grab for Callum’s phone but Callum was ready this time and held his phone out of snatching distance. 

"I  _ said _ I'm gonna call my boyfriend ok?" Callum snapped; abruptly turning his back on a peeved looking Stuart. Ben picked up on the second ring and it was a blessed relief to hear his voice after such a long, weird day. 

“Callum? What's wrong?’ he asked sounding entirely too wound up over a few missed phone calls and Callum was instantly annoyed with himself for bothering him in the first place, “I tried calling you back but you didn’t answer! What's the matter?”

Callum hesitated; what he wanted more than anything was to tell Ben all about the experience with Captain Barrow and how  _ awful _ he felt sitting and talking to a man that had given up so much whilst he’d lied and cheated his way out of active service. Oh, and how even mentioning the army had put him into a completely negative headspace and how he couldn’t stop thinking about the  _ smell _ and the  _ heat _ of that arid desert that he’d been stuck in for months on end. In the end, he didn’t say any of that though because for one he was sat in a packed-out pub with Stuart grumbling behind him and most importantly, he didn’t want to worry Ben over something that now felt so trivial. 

“Oh... yeah don't worry about that I was just being silly," he lied quietly; aware of Stuart's eyes boring into his back, "I’m in the pub with Stu.”

“Oh.”

“Why don’t you come and join us?” Callum practically begged; knowing that Ben would keep Stuart under control even if he didn’t have the courage to, “We don’t have to stay long if you don’t fancy it.”

“I’m kind of tired,” Ben mumbled and Callum knew him well enough by now to know he wasn't in a mood to socialise and that he sounded a bit put out, “I’ll see you tomorrow yeah?”

“Wait! If you’re tired you can go to bed if you want in  _ my _ bed I mean,” Callum babbled; already regretting that he hadn’t just gone straight home in the first place, “You’ve got a key and I’ll be back in a bit so you can keep it nice and warm for me. For us.”

If Ben didn't want to come out then at least Callum could make sure he stayed over so they could talk when he got back. He was also feeling like a bit of a dickhead for leaving that silly voicemail and worrying Ben all afternoon. Behind him, Stuart coughed loudly which made Callum feel like tipping the table over and storming home but in the end, he relented. He'd have one drink so as not to cause any upset with his brother and then he was going home. 

“You sure you don’t mind?” Ben asked uncertainly; no doubt thinking the worst and that Callum would much rather be boozing in the pub than spend time with him. 

“No!" Callum cried reassuringly just as Stuart made another irritating noise, "There’s some leftover food in the fridge if you’re hungry and I’ll be back in a bit anyway.”

"Ok; I'll see you when you get back then. Bye."

"Bye."

Ending the call with “I love you” had been on the tip of his tongue but Callum wasn’t about to tell Ben he loved him for the first time whilst on the phone in the middle of a packed pub with his brother staring at him. As awful as it was to admit it, telling Whitney he loved her had been born from pure deceit and Callum’s desperation to live a “normal” life and was yet another moment in his life he wasn’t proud of. With Ben, it was, thankfully, a totally different feeling and the realisation he was in love with him was one of delight and elation rather than shame. Ben had shown him that marriage and children weren’t something just afforded to heterosexual relationships and that he could have all those things as well if he wanted them and he could build a new,  _ better _ life for himself with his newfound family. However, he wasn’t about to tell Ben any of this just yet, no matter how desperately he wanted too. It had been clear to him from the start that Ben needed careful handling with things of this nature and Callum knew that saying the “L” word right now would only frighten him off or worse, he’d feel pressured to say it back when he wasn’t ready to. So, for now, Callum was content to keep his feelings to himself despite every part of his intuition telling him that Ben felt the same way as he did. 

“Is  _ he _ coming then?” his brother grunted as Callum turned around to face him and nodded at the phone that he was slipping back into his pocket.

“No,  _ Ben  _ ain’t coming; he wanted an early night,” Callum informed him and he tried not to be too annoyed at the smug expression on his brothers face at the news that Ben would not be joining them. 

“Get that down ya then; I got Mick to stick an umbrella in it,’ Stuart said as he handed Callum over a pint despite Callum only asking for an orange juice, “I know you… you  _ gays  _ like that kind of stuff.”

Rolling his eyes Callum took a sip of his pint and tried not to focus too much on how upset Ben had sounded when he'd picked up the phone. It wasn’t like Callum was planning on staying long anyway so at least they could have a bit of cuddle time before they went to bed if Ben was still awake. In all honesty and as much as he wanted to talk to him, Callum was rather hoping that Ben wouldn’t wait up for him and would get some proper rest for once. The nightmares he'd had been having and subsequently refused to discuss had stopped a little over a week ago, thank god, and his sleep pattern seemed to be getting back to normal but Ben still looked tired and slightly withdrawn to Callum. 

“Bens just been a bit tired lately… not sleeping and stuff,” Callum started out carefully but then he suddenly felt like telling his brother everything about Ben’s weird behaviour over the past few weeks, how worried he was starting to get and genuinely looking for some brotherly advice only for Stuart to let out a derisive snort. 

“Probably laying awake thinking about robing old ladies or something,” he huffed and Callum instantly felt annoyed, “Don’t waste your time worrying about what  _ he’s  _ up too bruv; you need to focus on that police career of yours. What about that match last week, eh? Cracking goal!”

Any further mention of Ben was apparently off the table and quite frankly he was a little annoyed; he’d spent a whole evening last week listening to Stuart talk about Ranie and how determined he was to keep her off the drugs. Against his better judgement, he’d been trying to arrange for the four of them to have dinner together or even a few drinks for weeks now but Ben kept digging his heels with little explanation as to why he didn’t want to go. Stuart had been no better but he'd thought at least Ben would try __ for his sake. Frustrated, he had moaned to Jay about it one morning at work only to be told in great detail as to __ why Ben was less than enthusiastic about hanging out with Rainie for the night. 

“Well, that’s probably because she’s the one that got Phil on the smack in the first place,” Jay told him breezily without looking up from his paperwork whilst Callum had almost choked on morning coffee in shock, “Pair of them were holed up in some crack den together for months until Peggy, that's Bens gran, had us drag him out and lock him up in the Vic; ask Billy about it, he'll tell ya. Phil defo shagged her as well when she was on the game and Ian did to come to think of it.”

“ _ Why _ didn’t  _ Ben _ tell me this when I was trying to get him to come to have dinner with us?” Callum asked exasperatedly as he added "Phil was a junkie" to his list of things other people had to tell him about Bens life, “I feel like a right prick for trying to force them all together!”

“Probably because he knew you’d feel bad about it and blame yourself which is  _ exactly _ what you  _ are _ doing,” Jay had sighed despite Callum's protests, “Besides, I know she’s doing better now Callum but Lola won’t be happy having Lexi around her anytime soon so I’d probably just drop it if I were you.”

The mention about Lexi had made Callum feel stupid after that because of  _ course _ Lola and Ben wouldn’t want their child around a recovering drug addict; at least not until Rainie was a lot further into her recovery. He was still learning what the boundaries were with Lexi but not having a seven-year-old around a recently released drug addict seemed like a pretty obvious thing not to do. Only a few weeks ago Callum had gotten a bit overzealous in the zoo gift shop and tried to buy Lexi a giant stuffed walrus only for Ben to gently tell him that he didn’t have to do that and she had enough toys. Lexi was a good kid and she never really asked for anything when they were out unless she spotted a doughnut shop, but Callum had sneakily brought her a sparkly pencil that had caught her eye at the till when they’d picked up the tickets. Seeing her pack it carefully into her pencil case to take to school had left him smiling ear to ear as had the stick Callum and stick daddy and Lexi holding hands at the zoo picture she'd drawn him, complete with a weird blob thing that Ben had confidently told him was a walrus. 

Another issue was that Callum wasn’t entirely sure how much  _ Stuart _ knew about Phil and Ranie’s past and he wasn’t about to open that can of worms anytime soon. Taking another sip of his drink he watched as Stuart waxed lyrical on the importance of pork scratchings and decided that he would change track and push for Ben and Stuart to have some bonding time together instead. He wasn’t quite sure how he was going to achieve this as there was no way Stuart would willingly sit and watch musicals with them and Ben  _ hated _ football so Callum would just have to get his thinking cap on to figure out something that the three of them could do together.

“Lend us your phone a sec bruv,” Stuart asked as he stretched his hand out for Callum’s phone expectantly, “I wanna check the footie results.”

"Errr yeah sure," Callum muttered and he reluctantly reached into his pocket and handed it over and hoped Stuart didn't dig too far into his phone; he had a video of Ben giving him a blow job and a couple of naked selfies Ben had sent him that he hadn't had a chance to move to a more secure location yet.

“Fixtures are out for next season,” Stuart muttered as he flicked through the various web pages he was looking through, “Why don’t we get some of the lads together eh? Me, you and Mick could go on an away day!”

“What about Ben?” Callum asked as he stared levelly at his brother despite knowing full well that his boyfriend would be last on Stuart's list of invites.

“You don’t have to do  _ everything _ with him,” Stuart sulked as he continued to look at the phone, “I mean, Rainie and Linda ain’t coming are they?”

Callum frowned; they were verging into “which one of you is the girl in the relationship?” territory and he didn’t think Stuart was quite ready for that type of conversation. If Ben were here he would have pushed the issue and rightly or wrongly made Stuart feel as  _ uncomfortable _ as possible as he faced up to his bigotry but Callum wasn't quite there yet so he let it slide for now. Stuart was now looking at Callum's phone with a mildly annoyed expression, probably because he'd just noticed that Callum had changed his background from the Spurs logo to a cute one of him and Ben kissing, and Callum heaved out a heavy sigh as he held out his hand for his phone back.

“Sorry little bruv but I’m keeping hold of this for now,” he said as he waved it tauntingly in front of Callum’s face, “Don’t want any more interruptions from your misses now do we?!”

Letting out a loud guffaw of laughter he shoved Callum’s phone into his jacket pocket despite Callum’s repeated demands that he give it back, that he had private stuff on there and that Ben might call him back before he fell asleep. All of this fell on deaf ears and Stuart just laughed at him and made a few more jokes about him being "under the thumb" and that Ben would just have to survive the night without him. It wasn't that Callum didn't want to spend time with his brother, it was just that Stuart kept holding onto "Old Callum"; the one that couldn't form any of his own opinions, went along with what everyone else said and never stood up for himself. 

"Stu, don't be a dick and give me my phone back!"

“MITCH!” Stuart shouted across the pub; completely ignoring Callum who was seething on the other side of the table, “OI MITCH; COME AND JOIN US!”

"I thought we were supposed to be spending time together?" Callum hissed as Mitch waved at them to signal he'd be on his way over once he'd picked up his whiskey, but Stuart just shrugged and told him it was fine to have a lads night out once in a while and that Callum should appreciate being allowed out.

"I  _ am  _ allowed out!" he insisted; knowing how much Ben would laugh at Stuart for thinking that Ben was the one in charge in their relationship, "If you'd just-"

"Alright, gentlemen?" Mitch said as he sat himself down and took a sip from his glass of whiskey, “How’s the funeral game then Callum? Must be keeping you busy this time of year.”

“Yeah, it’s all right,” Callum told him as he tried his best to be polite despite being royally pissed off with his brother, “I’m thinking of joining up for the police though.”

“ _ Really _ ?” Mitch said looking a little taken aback as he gave him the once over and Callum felt his cheeks begin to redden, “I wouldn’t have pegged a nice guy like you to go in for that sort of thing.”

“Oh well-” Callum began, intending to explain how he liked helping people and after the siege and Ben getting shot he wanted to try and do more with his life, only to be interrupted almost instantly by Stuart. 

"Callum was in the army," he blurted out before Callum could even draw a breath, "Proper hero he was; saving lives and fighting for our country!"

Whilst Mitch looked suitably impressed, Callum glared over at Stuart who beamed back at him with pride. Irritated, Callum took a large gulp of his drink just as his brother began to divulge the rest of Callum’s military career to Mitch or rather what he  _ thought _ he knew about it. Never mind that Callum had moved to Walford to get away from anything to do with the military and, at the time, his estranged brother and father. Now thanks to Stuart's big mouth he'd be expected to fil everyone in as to why he'd ended up working in a funeral parlour and all the other things people thought they had a right to know about his life. 

"Just tell them to fuck off," Ben had told him when Callum had brought this up to him when he had to fill some paperwork out for the parlour, "Unless it's Pam; she won't give a shit about why you left."

Callum didn't have Ben's confidence, not yet anyway, and he squirmed in his seat as Mitch turned to look at him. This was  _ not  _ the type of conversation he wanted to be having on a "lads night out" and definitely not with someone he didn't know very well and he desperately tried to think of a way out of this. Maybe Mitch wouldn't be all that interested in him after all and then they could go back to talking about football or beer? 

“Didn’t have you down as a squaddie Callum,” Mitch said as he took a sip of his whisky but before Callum had a chance to steer them onto something else, Stuart once again took hold of the conversation. 

"He was in Afghanistan!" he said with relish and to Callum's horror, he mimed shooting at things across the bar and making machine gun noises, "You went over twice, didn't you Cal? We was dead proud of him!"

Callum furrowed his brow slightly; nobody had been to see him off when he’d been deployed the first time except for his grandad's elderly neighbour, Mrs Tibbs. His father had been too hungover to go after spending all night in the pub and he hadn’t even spoken to Stuart properly for years. The second time around had been a bit better because he’d had Whitney to chat too but Stuart had yet to make a re-appearance in his life despite Callum doing his best to track him down before he’d left. Having Stuart try and muscle in on his military career as if he had  _ any  _ part in it, even if it came from a loving place, was highly frustrating and annoying. 

“I had a mate who went over to Iraq years ago, Big Ted we used to call him, and he was never the same when he came back,” Mitch was explaining and he shook his head sadly at the memory, “Awful, awful business.”

“Callum’s too tough for all that rubbish though aren’t you Cal?” Stuart said as he clapped Callum hard on the back before he got a chance to say anything, “You was desperate to go back over weren’t you?”

A phantom pain ripped through Callum’s leg and along with it came the dry, bitter stench of blood-stained sand that never seemed to go away. Callum had been desperate to get  _ away _ , not go back and he didn’t like to think what the consequences would have been had he been forced to return to Afghanistan. Knowing Ben had seen him hitting himself with that bottle all those months ago was bad enough and Callum felt himself begin to sweat again.

“How come you didn’t end up going back then Callum?” Mitch asked with interest as he leant in closer and Callum felt himself turn bright red, “Must have been a big change coming back here after all that.”

“I… uhhhh… I ummm I hurt my leg whilst I was over there,” Callum stuttered; more than a little horrified at how easy it had become to lie about this, “I got medically discharged earlier this year and then I ended up at Cockers and the rest is history!”

He let out a loud, awkward laugh hoping that this would be the end to it but Stuart appeared to be building up to overshare some more of Callum’s life history so he loudly announced that he was going to the bar; pulling Stuart up by the elbow to get him to help with the drinks.

“Stop talking about the army stuff!” he hissed as soon as they were out of earshot, “I’ve told you that enough times now!”

“Oh, stop being so modest bruv! You’re a hero Callum; not like most of the scum round here,” Stuart told him and Callum almost wanted to cry with frustration, “Three pints when you’re ready Mick!”

“I’m  _ not  _ a hero!” Callum snapped but Stuart didn’t appear to be listening to him, “And give me my phone back!”

He wanted to call Ben to beg him to come to the pub or a least be given a viable excuse to leave. Stuart smothering however well-intentioned was making him feel like the “Old Callum" was beginning to resurface and he  _ hated "O _ ld Callum". Finally, he was able to breathe after living squashed into a self-made box for so long and now Stuart was trying to shut the lid and trap him inside again. 

“You 'avin a booze tonight then lads?” Mick asked as he handed over their drinks before turning to Callum, "Where's him indoors then? You left him at home to keep the bed warm whilst you sneak out for a booze-up?"

Callum took the teasing good-naturedly, even if Stuart did make a passive-aggressive comment about how Callum was spending quality time with his brother tonight and  _ not " _ Mini Mitchell". Mick had always been good to him; right from his relationship with Whitney, his subsequent coming out and when he started dating Ben and was always ready to lend an ear whenever Callum had a problem. In fact, now he was here Callum began to reconsider talking about his sex life and pondered on asking the older man what he thought might be going on with Ben. It wouldn’t be like he was being nosey either because this was  _ relationship  _ advice he was after and he wasn't going around the entire square telling them his and Ben’s business. Plus, Mick knew Phil a lot better than Callum did and much like with Lola, it wouldn’t hurt to get a bit of inside knowledge into Mitchell Seniors way of thinking now would it? Ben would probably be annoyed if he found out but Callum was willing to take that risk if it meant it would help __ and he got some relationship advice to boot. 

“Hey, Mick? Could-”

“CAL?! Come on, Mitch is waiting!” Stuart scolded as he grabbed Callum by the arm and dragged him back over to their table; he would just have to catch up with Mick some other time he thought with a frustrated sigh. Keegan had joined them by this point and was already embroiled in a lively conversation with his dad and Stuart about boxing so Callum gave him a quick hi before settling back into his seat. Left to his own devices Callum mulled over what to do about Ben some more. Taking him on a romantic mini-break still seemed like the best option and then maybe when they got back he could help Ben look through the careers website he’d found to see if there was something he’d like to do. Callum still felt horribly guilty about the whole prison record stuff and realised now that he’d probably been a bit pushy with trying to get Ben to go back to school or re-train but at least Ben was bit keener on the idea now they'd talked it over. Although it would probably help if he made it clear that if Ben wanted to stay as a mechanic then that was fine as well; it was  _ Phil’s _ involvement in Bens working life that bothered him the most. There was so much potential in Ben and it was such a shame that his lack of confidence in himself held him back from doing something he was interested in or had a passion for like the artistic stuff. Callum didn’t have a creative bone in his body, Lexi’s stick figures were more his level of expertise, but Ben came  _ alive _ whenever he talked about musicals or dance and Callum would be lying if he said he hadn’t been trying to push Ben more in that direction. There must be  _ something  _ Ben could do with the dance stuff, maybe a teacher or similar, and Callum was deep in thought trying to figure it all out when a loud shout of his name caught his attention. 

“ _ YOU _ WAS IN THE ARMY CALLUM?!” Keegan cried and although he sounded impressed, he did look Callum up and down in slight disbelief. 

Callum shifted uncomfortably; he hardly knew Keegan but unfortunately, as always, Stuart got in there first before Callum could give a quick, basic answer and then move them onto something else.

"Tell them Cal, tell them about that kiddie you saved!" Stuart said and Callum began to feel slightly ill and all of the lovely thoughts he’d had about him a Ben making love in a fancy hotel bedroom were aggressively shoved to one side and replaced with flashes of damaged, tatty clothing, dismembered limbs and the pungent odour of the recently deceased. His head was spinning with the chaos of it all and it was only the shakiness in his legs that was stopping him from running for the door. 

"Did you have to shoot anybody?" Keegan asked eagerly before Callum could find the words to tell him to shut up and that he didn’t want to talk about this, "I saw this thing in school about this bloke who'd been over there and had all his arms and legs blown off; he had these metal hook things for hands and-"

“Hey come on now son,” Mitch said with a cursory glance at Callum as he laid his hand on Keegan’s forearm to stop him from going any further, “Be a bit more respectful.”

“It don’t matter though, does it? It wasn’t like they was on  _ our _ side,” Stuart scoffed and Callum thought he might actually throw up all over the table, "’ Sides, Callum was  _ way _ too clever for that weren't you Callum? None of _ them _ lot was gonna take you out like that were they? Not a  _ Highway _ !"

"I thought they didn't let gay people in the army?" Keegan asked bluntly and Callum felt his face flush as both Mitch and Stuart turned to look at him as if they were expecting him to give a highly detailed account of gay rights and discrimination within the military.  _ Why _ couldn’t they all understand that he didn’t want to talk about any of this?? Besides, the only other person in the army that he knew was gay aside from himself was Chris and it had taken him  _ years  _ to figure that out. Perhaps it was down to pure naivety or being so far in the depths of denial but Callum had never really understood all the innuendos or subtle digs his army mates had made about Chris. 

Looking back now it was obvious that Chris was baiting him with some of the slightly more  _ intrusive _ questions he'd asked and the not so subtle hints that no, he wouldn't be out shagging girls left and right once they went on leave and that it would be nice to meet up with Callum sometime. Deep down Callum had always known that Chris's feelings for him went a lot deeper than just best mates but at the time it had been easier to pretend to be oblivious to it all and brush off any of his own feelings for Chris. Aside from anything else, Callum had been too busy trying to invent different reasons as to why he never had a girlfriend and was always super reluctant to go to the strip clubs the lads always went to when they managed to sneak off basecamp. Back then even thinking about the possibility that there might be another path for him, another life that didn't end with him meeting a girl and settling down to have a family had been utterly terrifying. However, he doubted whether Mitch, Stuart or Keegan would be able to understand any of this as they were currently bickering over if Callum looked “gay” enough to pass as a soldier now he was out.

"Well he wasn't gay back  _ then _ was he?” Stuart argued as Mitch shook his head as if to counter that argument, “It's only since he met -"

"I was gay before I met Ben!" Callum snapped, surprising himself and Stuart too judging by the slightly affronted look on his face, "You don't just turn being attracted to men on and off again like a light switch!" 

"Yeah, but that was all dad’s fault wasn't it? You not telling anyone you was gay," Stuart insisted and Callum felt himself deflate almost instantly as his brother looked at him almost pleadingly and in the end, he just didn’t have the heart to tell Stuart how much of a role  _ he _ had played in him staying in the closet. 

"Yeah," he lied as he looked down sadly at his drink and thought about how disappointed Ben would be in him for not sticking up for himself, "Yeah, it was all dad Stu."

"KEANU!" Mitch called out in a very obvious way to break the tension that currently enveloped their "lads night" out, "Come sit with us son!"

Oblivious to the awkwardness, Keanu pulled up a chair opposite Stuart and Mitch instantly engaged him in a conversation about Formula One; subtly drawing the attention away from Callum for which he was very grateful for. Taking a few steadying gulps of his pint, Callum began to settle a bit more now that he wasn’t the sole focus of the conversation. Annoyingly, Stuart seemed pretty interested in what Keanu had to say about cars and even went so far as to grill the younger man on something to do with some famous driver they all liked. An interest in cars was one of the very few things that Stuart and Ben had in common but Stuart was always dismissive whenever Callum brought this up or suggested something car related that the three of them could do together. 

Whilst Stuart was engrossed in conversation with Keanu, Callum took the opportunity to steal his phone back; frustrated when he saw that he'd had two missed calls from Ben. Not wanting to call him back whilst he was at the table full of people who already knew far too much about his personal life, Callum text back to say that he would be coming home soon and then slipped his phone safely back into his pocket. The car conversation was still ongoing which meant that Callum could ease himself into the background and finish his pint in peace. Ben hadn't exactly gone into detail about why he had such an aversion to Keanu, who seemed alright if a bit dull, but Jay had briefly mentioned Phil's replacement son theory which Callum thought was a little silly; you couldn't replace your own son with other random people you picked up off the street. Or that was what he thought until he’d been a bit early going round to the Beale’s for his tea and accidentally overheard Kathy and Ian talking in the front room. 

"I don't know why you insisted on dragging Ben back here in the first place," Ian was saying; oblivious to Callum lurking in the kitchen, "Phil made his mess and you should have left it at that."

"I just thought it would help! You  _ know _ what Phil’s like with him," Kathy retorted as Callum crept closer to the door to listen, "That if Ben was the one to help him then-"

"Then  _ what _ mum? That it would make up for twenty-three years of absentee parenting and Phil would focus on the son that's actually  _ his _ instead of all these replacements? You forget  _ I _ had to live across the road from him for _ ten years _ when you and Ben first left and once he started parading Jamie and Jay about as the heir to the Mitchell empire, he didn't give a stuff about Ben!"

_ “Yes _ alright, Ian!"

"And now he's got that dim-witted Keanu as his prodigal son which means that  _ once again _ Ben is left with the scraps."

" _ Ok _ , Ian!"

"All I'm saying is don't come crying to me when it all blows up in your face mum."

Feeling awkward he'd crept back out and then slammed the kitchen door shut to signal his arrival; Kathy swooping on him instantly with the offer of a cup of tea and a biscuit. That was when he'd started to understand a bit more about Ben and Phil's relationship and why his other half had such a problem with Keanu. Speaking of which, Callum wasn't exactly Shakespeare but Keanu was, to put it bluntly, more than a little dull. Admittedly Callum knew nothing about cars but at least when Ben talked about them he made it sound interesting and he was almost to the point of nodding off whilst Keanu droned on and on about something to do with a car engine thingamajig.

“I’ll be over there when you’re done babe,” a voice said, startling Callum out of his daze, and they all looked up to see a very pregnant Louise standing there before she headed off to the other side of the pub with Bex in tow behind her. 

Suddenly an idea popped into his head and Callum was on his feet; whilst they weren’t going to have any sit-down dinners with his  _ own _ family anytime soon, it couldn’t hurt to say hello to Ben’s sister now, could it?

“Anyone want another drink?” he asked and then without waiting for an answer he headed over to the bar. 

Having only ever had a brother, Callum supposed it must be different growing up with a sister and he eyed Louise cautiously from across the bar. Ben had often referred to his sibling as “Daddy’s Little Princess” with Lola having gone one step further and calling Louise a “snobby cow”. Jay seemed to get on all right with her though, even if he did admit she was a bit spoilt, but Callum had barely even spoken to Louise before so he decided much like with Keanu that he would make his  _ own  _ judgement about Ben’s sister. Grabbing his pint, he moved past the table Jack and Denise were sat at and headed over to the booth at the back of the pub where Louise was sat. Truth be told teenage girls had always terrified him even when he was at school and Callum hovered awkwardly by the table whilst Louise and Bex were locked in an intense gossip session. 

“… expects  _ me  _ to come and hang out with those awful brats of hers  _ and  _ Tiffany as if I haven’t got anything better to do and…”

Callum cleared his throat loudly to get their attention and almost wished he hadn’t by the look of annoyance at being interrupted that crossed Louise’s face. 

“ _ Yes? _ ” she snapped as she swept her long hair away from her face to look up at him, “We were talking.”

“Do you, uhhh, fancy a drink?” he asked awkwardly, relieved when at least Bex took pity on him and smiled encouragingly. Louise, on the other hand, was looking him up and down as if she was wondering why he was even bothering to talk to them but Callum stood his ground; he was more than capable of handling the Mitchells. 

“Yeah all right then,” she said with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, “I’ll have a J20, a pint of lemonade and a glass of water and Bex will have the same. Oh and throw a couple of packets of crisps in as well whilst you're at it.”

“Just a J20 is fine,” Bex said quickly looking slightly embarrassed but Callum assured her it was fine whilst Louise smiled smugly at her friend.

He’d barely made his way over to the bar before Louise and Bex’s heads went back together again and they began to whisper to each other and judging by the inconspicuous glances they kept throwing him, they were almost certainly talking about Callum. Maybe it was weird a fully grown man talking to two teenagers but Callum was certain he could find some common ground with Louise. 

"... some weirdo that Ben's shagging...  _ shhh shhh he's coming back!" _

“You don’t mind if I join you for a bit do you?” he asked as he set the tray of drinks down and looked around for a spare chair. 

“Go right ahead,” Louise told him as she snatched up a crisp packet and tore into them before Callum even had a chance to sit down.

The conversation was  _ very _ awkward, to begin with, and Callum ended up talking more to Bex than to Louise who was still ploughing through the salt and vinegar crisps Callum had brought. Unsurprisingly he didn’t have much in common with a pair of teenage girls and after a while, they ended up sat in awkward silence until Louise had finished eating and took command of the conversation. It was obvious from the get-go that she didn’t have the slightest bit of interest in him, she kept calling him Carl for one thing, but Callum decided to put this down to pregnancy hormones for the time being. They chatted for a bit but Louise only seemed to want to talk about the baby which was understandable or herself, Keanu and the wedding which was honestly a bit draining after a while. 

“Maybe the four of us could go out to dinner one night or I could cook,” Callum cut in before Louise could start talking about the really expensive wedding venue she wanted again only for her to let out a snort of derisive laughter.

“What? Don’t worry, I won’t let Ben anywhere near the kitchen!” Callum joked whilst Louise continued to stare incredulously at him, “I’m a trained chef so I could make us something nice or we could go to Walford East if you’d prefer that.”

Putting her drink down Louise threw a smirk towards Bex before settling back in her chair and folding her arms neatly across her chest. It was weird but the look of absolute superiority on her face was almost a carbon copy for the one Phil had worn when Callum had bumped into him back at the chip shop a few weeks ago. 

"I don't mean to be rude Callum but it's not like you're going to be around for very long," Louise replied primly as she took a sip of her drink and Callum frowned slightly at her choice of words, “Probably not long enough for dinner anyway.”

“What do you mean?” he asked whilst Bex looked determinedly at the floor; her cheeks flushing red. 

“Oh come on you  _ must _ have heard what Ben’s like by now! He’s you know...  _ easy _ or whatever the male version of a slag is," Louise replied tartly and her heavy emphasis on the word "slag" causing Bex's to choke on her drink, " _ What _ ?! It's true! You wouldn't catch me dropping my knickers for every man that looked at me,  _ unlike _ my big brother."

“Maybe that’s a bit mean Lou,” Bex muttered but Louise merely swept her long, blonde hair away from face and stared back at Callum almost daring him to disagree with her. 

It had never bothered Callum that Ben had had a lot of sexual partners before they got together or least that's what he told himself  _ now _ . Watching Ben flirt with men at the Pride festival, hook up with random blokes on that dating app he was so popular on and hear stories about his one night stands had made him almost boil over with jealousy. Unpacking all those feelings whilst at the same time having to share a bed with Whitney had been unbearable and Callum had almost erupted in a rage when he’d overheard Ben bragging to Jay about a threesome he’d had the night before with two blokes he’d picked up in a bar.

“Of  _ course _ you were supposed to overhear it,” Ben had told him with a slightly exasperated sigh when he brought it up once they were dating properly, “I was  _ trying _ to make you jealous.”

Being a virgin, or at least a gay one, Callum had been very worried that he wouldn't be any good at it the first time they'd done it, the park bench notwithstanding, or live up to all the other men Ben had been with; a fear he quickly overcame once they’d finally been intimate together. Ben could have slept with a thousand men and that still didn’t make him think that Ben was a slut or a slag or whatever other words Louise could come up with.

“Ben’s slept with half the blokes on the square  _ and  _ more besides that,” Louise continued and sounding like she was loving every minute of this, “Ask anyone or better yet ask Mick because Johnny, I’m sure you know him being Mick’s  _ friend _ and all, is on the list of my brother's conquests. It’s a wonder he hasn’t caught anything yet!”

Callum took a sip of his drink; he already knew all about Ben sleeping with Johnny and that they’d both decided that they were better off as friends. He  _ also _ knew how much Johnny had helped Ben when Paul had died and Louise making out like it was sort of dirty secret Ben should be ashamed of was very off-putting. 

“Everyone’s got a past,” he grunted; picking up the remaining packet of crisps and handing it to Bex before Louise could reach for it. Taking food from a pregnant lady probably wasn’t the best idea but he was getting a bit tired of Louise’s attitude. Ben might have issues with his sister but he was never outrightly rude about her nor did he divulge random facts about her private life to virtual strangers. 

“Ben should give the Arches to Keanu,” Louise told him when Callum had tried to steer the conversation away from ex-partner’s and onto something more mundane, “He’d make better money as a prostitute than a mechanic anyway  _ and  _ it would save dad having to rewrite his will all the time.”

“Now hang on a minute,” Callum snapped as his voice began to rise and it was probably only the fact that he was older than them that stopped Louise taking it any further.

“Chill out Callum,” she sulked as she stole the remainder of the packet of crisps off Bex, “It was just a joke.”

Callum’s response that a joke was only funny if you laughed at it was cut off by the arrival of Keanu who slid into the seat beside Louise.

“Alright?” he said as if he and Callum hadn’t only been speaking to each other five minutes ago.

“Callum was just wondering if we wanted to go diner with him and Ben,” Louise trilled gleefully as she draped herself across Keanu’s shoulders and kissed his cheek, “But I told him we’d have to take a rain check what with you helping dad out  _ so _ much and then going to that car show with the boys.”

“Couldn’t Ben go with you to that?” Callum asked unable to help himself; knowing how hurt Ben would be when he found out he hadn't been invited. 

“If they wanted Ben to go they would have asked,” Louise snapped whilst Keanu mumbled something about it being down to Phil who got invited and that they'd already brought the tickets. 

“That doesn’t seem very fair,” Callum told them and it was becoming increasingly obvious nobody in the family, or anyone else for that matter was willing to stand up to Phil over his treatment of Ben. 

"Oh that’s right, we’re the mean,  _ awful _ family that always leave poor little Ben out," Louise snarled, rolling her eyes at Callum and even Keanu looked awkwardly at the floor, "The focus should be on  _ me _ and Sharon; not whatever hard done by story Ben's made up in his head! If dad was such an  _ awful _ person then how come  _ I've _ turned out all right? How come  _ I _ have more than one friend, a proper relationship  _ and  _ parents that actually want to be around me?!"

Unable to help himself Callum glanced at her rather prominent teenage baby bump which only enraged Louise further.

"Well at least I'll be eighteen when _ my _ babies born and Keanu is almost twenty,” she hissed at him so venomously that Callum leant back in his chair away from her, “It's not like we're two trashy sixteen-year-olds having a baby that aren't even in a relationship together and  _ our  _ baby’s wanted!"

Callum stared at her in shock and he was pretty sure Lola would have a thing or two to say about being referred to as a "trashy sixteen-year-old" and he wasn’t going to sit there and let Louise make out that Lexi wasn’t wanted or whatever it was that she was implying.

“Now wait-”

"I think I'm gonna go," Bex said abruptly; pushing her drink away from her and gathering up her coat and bag as she began to leave. 

" _ What _ ? Oh, come on Bex I didn't mean  _ your _ mum and dad! I was talking about Ben being gay but still being dumb enough to get a girl pregnant!" Louise cried as she tried to get her friend to stay, "I mean, you'd think he would have figured it out beforehand wouldn't you?!"

“I’ll see you tomorrow yeah? Bye, Callum; it was nice talking to you,” Bex muttered as she hurried off and Callum watched her go open-mouthed as Louise rounded on him with a face like thunder.

" _ Now _ look what you've done!" she wailed at him; slamming her J20 bottle down and scattering crisps everywhere, "You've upset her!"

"I didn't say anything!" Callum cried; completely baffled at how Louise making snide comments about teenage parents and upsetting Bex was somehow  _ his  _ fault. 

“You had to make everything about  _ Ben _ , didn’t you? He’s always spoiling everything!” Louise screeched so loudly that even Denise looked over at them and Callum felt his face flush with embarrassment, “Just because he’s  _ jealous  _ over dad and Sharon’s new baby and how  _ I’m  _ having dads new grandchild that doesn’t give him the right to ruin everything for everyone else! He’s  _ always _ been jealous of me! Just because I read his stupid diary when we were kids and told everyone he was gay, I mean it was  _ so  _ obvious, he should have been grateful! At least that way it wasn’t so much of a shock for dad but no; he had to go and get Lola up the duff and make sure he had  _ all  _ dads attention!”

“Now wait a minute,” Callum tried to interject but Louise was having none of it and continued to talk over him barely pausing for breath. 

“Nobody ever thinks about dad do they? What it must have been like for _ him _ to find out Ben was gay?! Twice!” she ranted and Callum looked to Keanu for some sort of assistance but the other man just shrugged and returned to his pint, “ _ First _ he was gay, then he  _ wasn’t _ and then we had to go through the whole thing again when dad caught him in bed with some bloke!”

“Oi!” Callum said sharply because it wasn’t just “some bloke” that Phil had caught Ben half-undressed with, it was Paul and Louise should know better than that, “Don’t talk about Paul like that!”

“I'm sick of Ben sulking just because dad likes Keanu better than him," Louise snarled; ignoring everything that Callum had just said as her rage took over, "And now he's sent  _ you _ over to stir up trouble.

“Hang about,” Callum as he tried to interject once more only for Keanu to finally come out of his stupor and interrupt him. 

“No offence Callum but you’re only getting __ Ben’s version of what Phil’s like,” he said as he put his arm protectively around Louise who was breathing heavily like a winded rhino, “He’s been more of a father figure to me than my own dad ever was  _ and  _ he’s put up with a lot from Ben despite what he’s lead you to believe.”

Callum gaped at him open-mouthed; Keanu had only been going out with Louise for five minutes and at the start, he was being paid to take her out by Phil! How he had the gall to sit there and not even acknowledge that he was treated a lot more fairly than Ben was by Phil was infuriating. Ok, Keanu and Ben were never going to be best friends or anything but Callum was  _ sure _ that if they got on a bit better then perhaps Ben wouldn’t feel so out of place all the time. 

“I’m going to loo,” Louise sniffled as she hauled herself up from her seat and set off across the pub without so much as a backwards look at Callum and his heart sank when he saw Sharon corner her halfway. Great; something else for Ben to get the blame for. 

"It's just the pregnancy hormones," Keanu said as he sipped his pint and went back to being possibly the least interesting person Callum had ever spoken to, "But Ben ain't helping Callum so tell him to leave us alone."

“He didn’t even do anything!” Callum cried; horrified that his actions had caused Ben to get the blame for upsetting Louise when he wasn't even here.

Clearly not a man of many words Keanu just shrugged and Callum took that as his queue to leave and headed back to his table with his head bowed. Stuart was still holding court with Mitch and Keegan and he thought briefly about slipping straight out the door and going home only for Stuart to spot him.

“Come on bruv,” he called over sounding slightly drunk as he patted the seat next to him, “We almost sent out a search party for you; not got a dickie tummy 'ave you?”

With a heavy sigh, he trudged back over to join them with Louise giving him a death glare as she marched back over to Keanu. For a moment he thought about stopping her to apologise and to try and make amends but his gut was telling him that he was just going to make everything ten times worse and the last thing he needed was to have a row with a pregnant teenager in the middle of a packed out pub. 

"I don't know why you bother talking to that stuck up cow," Tiffany muttered as she walked past him and over to her husband, "Come on Keegs; you're mum's got fish and chips waiting."

With Keegan on his way out the door and Mitch checking the time on his watch, Callum seized the opportunity to make a swift exit.

"I'm gonna head back now Stu," he said as he quickly downed the rest of his pint and stood up to leave, “It’s getting late and I wanna have something to eat before I head to bed.”

"Oh come Cal, you can have one more!" Stuart insisted as he slid his own pint towards Callum, "Then we can go get some chips or a pizza after if you're still hungry."

"I'm hungry  _ now _ !" Callum fumed; aware that he sounded like a petulant child and not a fully grown man. Mitch looked away awkwardly and "Old Callum" would have just sat and had another pint but "New Callum" was tired, hungry, fed up and just wanted to go home. 

“Yeah, and we can get something to eat once we’ve finished here,” Stuart told him as if he was being stupid and Callum felt all the guilt, anger and frustration he’d felt all day bubble up inside him and eventually boil over. 

"I said  _ no _ all right?!" he snapped; loud enough for Mick to look over at them with some concern, "Why don't you  _ ever _ listen to me when I say I don’t want to do something?! I  _ told _ you I didn’t even want to go the pub in the first place and then you spend the whole night telling everyone my private business when I asked you not to! Just leave me alone!"

Without waiting for a reply he stormed out of the pub; the door crashing shut loudly behind him and powerwalked back to the parlour. Stomping up the stairs that led to his flat Callum wrenched the front door open and slammed it shut behind him; he  _ knew  _ that this would happen.  _ Why  _ couldn’t Stuart just have listened to him for once in his life and kept his mouth shut?! He should have listened to his gut and headed straight home the second he'd arrived back but instead, he now had a head full of Captain Barrow, the army, Chris, Ben, Louise –

_ Louise! _

Sharon would have reported back to Phil by now Callum thought miserably as he threw himself into a chair at the kitchen table and he doubted whether  _ his  _ version of events would be taken into consideration once Louise had had her say. All he’d been trying to do was show that he could handle the Mitchells and maybe help Ben build some bridges but he’d only succeeded in making everything ten times worse by sticking his nose in. If it came down to it he would go over to apologise to her for Ben's sake but in all honesty, he though Lola's description of Louise had turned out to be rather accurate. Some of the stuff she'd said about Ben was downright vicious and her inability to understand how cruel it was to read someone's diary made her incredibly unlikable in Callum's eyes and he wasn't the least bit impressed by her snotty attitude. Now that he'd exchanged more than two words with Louise it became obvious as to why Ben hadn't appeared all that keen for Callum to get know his dad's side of the family; he'd  _ really _ stuck his big clumsy foot in it this time. 

The only upside to the hellish evening was when he spotted Ben's neatly placed shoes by the front door and upon further inspection, Callum noted that his dressing gown was gone from the back of the sofa which made him all the more hopeful that Ben hadn’t gotten tired of waiting for him and gone back to his mums. The bedroom door was slightly ajar so Callum tiptoed cautiously towards it and poked his head in; beaming when he spotted a Ben shaped lump underneath the duvet. Already halfway into the room and fully intending to wake Ben up to talk through the  _ awful  _ day he’d had, Callum quickly stopped himself even when he was reminded about how much meeting Captain Barrow had shaken him up. Ben’s sleep pattern had only just got back on an even keel after being so erratic over the past few weeks and Callum didn’t want to be the person that sent that into a tailspin again so instead, he shut the door quietly; creeping back to the kitchen to fix himself something to eat in the hopes that a full stomach would take his mind off things.

There was a bit of lasagne still leftover from the massive pan that Kathy had dropped off a few nights ago so Callum cut himself off a piece and stuck it in the oven to warm up along with a few bits of garlic bread and some chips. Suddenly feeling starving hungry he even munched on a handful of cereal whilst he was waiting for his food to cook. He'd always been a bit of a comfort eater and now he was back home and away from the noise of the pub he couldn't get his mind to settle down. For the first time since he’d been a funeral director, Callum felt unable to stop the cycle of thoughts about all the death and destruction that he'd witnessed going round and round inside his head. Stuart bringing up that  _ poor _ child and his mother hadn’t helped matters either and Callum kept telling himself that the bullet did it.  _ The _ bullet killed them. But his brain knew that  _ he _ was the one that had pulled the trigger. The army mantra had always been that a good soldier buried any thoughts or feelings he or she might have for the “enemy” and to move on to the next mission and forget but Callum had never been quite able to do that. There was always a  _ face _ or a  _ name _ that was ticking over inside his head and it frustrated him that he couldn’t put this all behind him as all the other squaddies or Captain Barrow did. If Callum was such a “hero” then how come he couldn’t save that innocent child’s mother life or spared Jordan having to live the rest of his life as an amputee? Callum was no hero. He was a fake, a phoney and he cringed at the thought of Stuart organising him a full military funeral procession if he had the misfortune to die first and he vowed to tell Ben to make sure that that  _ never  _ happened. For one thing, the military just wasn’t part of his life anymore and it would be the last thing he would want his funeral centred around. 

Stuart didn’t seem to understand this though and he kept bringing up Callum's medals and insist that he get them framed like their grandad had and hang them up in the flat like some sort of morbid curiosity. The more he pushed the harder it was to refuse him and Callum had even thought about throwing them away but that didn't feel right either so in the end, he'd put them in a box and shoved them in the back of one of his drawers in the hope they'd be forgotten about. They had been for the most part until Ben had begun staying over more regularly and he’d shifted them to make space for a few of Ben’s spare t-shirts and underwear and he’d come home to find Stuart arguing with Ben over the box of medals.

"Why don't you let  _ Callum _ decide on what he wants to do with his things rather than bully him into doing what  _ you _ want him to do?" Ben had snarled; holding the stupid things out of Stuarts reach who was busy accusing Ben of being unpatriotic for not wanting them on display in the flat. That had led to Stuart giving him the cold shoulder for a week because he'd "sided with someone who wasn't even family" and according to him, that was the wrong thing to do. The medals were now buried in the depths of Callum's wardrobe along with his beret and a few other bits and pieces he didn't want Stuart finding. 

After what felt like an eternity the oven timer pinged and Callum eagerly pulled his food out; his stomach rumbling as the delicious smell of Kathy’s homemade lasagne hit his nose. Wolfing it down, he decided it was pointless thinking about the stupid military anymore and instead he pulled his phone out to see if any deals were going for hotel stays in the area. It turned out that the price for a two-night stay in London hotel was pretty pricey but there were a few further out that they could drive to that were a bit more in budget. After a few more minutes of scrolling, he found Moorland Abbey out in the Cotswolds that looked perfect; the room came with a roll-top bath and a humongous four-poster bed as well as a free cooked breakfast. There was even a large woodland nearby and a small village which would be nice for a walk-in if they ever made it out of the bedroom. Entering his details, Callum punched in a few dates that he thought might work for both their schedules and decided to wait until someone got back to him before speaking to Ben about it. Ben, as he'd quickly learnt after an awkward incident involving a box of chocolates and a Mama Mia DVD, didn't like surprises all that much so it was probably best that Callum didn't spring a weekend away on him at short notice. 

Setting his knife and fork down Callum went about tidying his dishes away only to find something burnt and slightly congealed looking at the bottom of the bin which meant that Ben must have had another attempt at cooking whilst he'd been at the pub. Callum found Ben’s complete lack of cookery skills rather endearing, even if he did have to struggle through meals of varying degrees of inedibility just to be polite. Putting his plate and cutlery in the sink, he’d wash up tomorrow, Callum was about to head to bed when something odd caught his eye and sitting in a neat little line on the countertop were eight of his mismatched teacups. Confused, Callum picked one of them up only do find it full to the brim with cold tea and perhaps even more strangely were the accompanying teaspoons scattered all over the floor that he'd inadvertently stepped on. Frowning slightly he wondered if maybe Ben was playing a joke on him or perhaps the teacups were some sort of gay reference that he didn’t quite get yet? With a flush the only thing he could think of was “tea bagging” but Ben had assured him that that was one thing that they  _ didn’t _ need to add to their sex life and he quickly set the cup back down. Unsure if he should leave them alone or not, Callum settled for picking up the teaspoons and laying them alongside the individual teacups and waiting to see what Ben had to say about it in the morning. 

The huge yawn he let out whilst he was picking up the teaspoons was an indication that it was time for him to finally get to bed. Slipping his shoes off, Callum stripped down to his boxers in the living room to avoid waking Ben up and then grabbed a t-shirt from the ironing basket that had been left sitting on the end of the sofa to sleep in. Tomorrow was Saturday and they were supposed to be helping Ian with some council thing but Callum was sure Ben wouldn't take much convincing to skip it so they could spend the day in bed cuddled up under the duvet instead. Besides, he would probably take the news that Callum had put his foot in it with his sister better once he'd been on the receiving end of a good shag. 

Once he'd washed his face and brushing his teeth Callum crept into the bedroom as quietly as he could and only let out a small grunt of pain when he accidentally stubbed his toe on one of the bedposts. Ben was still dead to the world with the duvet pulled up to his chin and he didn't even stir when Callum slipped into bed beside him; his hearing aid resting on the bedside table. It had disturbed him slightly when they’d first got together and he’d discovered that Ben made absolutely no noise when he slept, which was a sharp contrast to his own loud snoring. 

"It's like sleeping next to a dead body," he'd joked when Ben had eventually woken up and reached for the pair of glasses that Callum had only found out he wore a few hours previously, "I was calling your name for ages!"

"Well, I can't hear you can I?" Ben had said with a yawn as he’d pushed his glasses further up his nose, “Not with all that snoring you were doing.”

"Why? You deaf or something?"

"Yeah I am actually," Ben said simply as he held out the tiny hearing aid he’d just been about to put back in his ear and Callum had just wanted to  _ die _ right there on the spot; how could Ben not tell him he was deaf?! He’d ended up spending a full five minutes apologising profusely to an amused looking Ben who’d just laughed and told him to stop fussing. 

"Why didn't you say nuffink?!" Callum asked desperately once Ben had replaced his hearing aid and could hear him properly, “It doesn’t hurt or anything does it? How did it happen? Sorry, I'm rambling now, aren't I? You only have to tell me if you want to!”

“I had meningitis when I was a baby,” Ben had explained with a shrug as if this wasn’t an important piece of information that Callum should know about, “Knackered my left ear but it ain’t that much of a bother with the hearing aid and I don't know any different anyway. ”

Callum would have liked to have known more but Ben rolled on top of him and they ended up doing something  _ else _ that morning so he’d gone to one person that he knew would tell him the truth; Kathy. 

“So he’s finally told you then? I  _ told  _ him he was being silly and that you’d find out soon enough once you realised how  _ impossible _ it is to wake him up in the morning. I used to have to go in and roll him over if he’d slept on his left side when he’s was little otherwise I’d have never got him out of bed,” Kathy had told him as she handed him over a cup of tea, “I’ve got a picture here somewhere…”

Callum hadn’t believed for one second that Ben simply “forgot” to tell him he was partially deaf and have this confirmed by his mum made him even more concerned about why that might be. He'd never met anyone that was deaf or that had had meningitis and he was already worrying he'd put his foot in it by accidentally saying something insensitive. 

‘That’s when he was starting to get better,” Kathy said as she handed him over a photograph, “The nurses let me pick him up for a bit so I could have a cuddle.”

Aside from her nineties hairdo Kathy didn’t look all that different from the way she did now as she smiled tiredly for the camera; a small bundle held tightly in her arms. It had been hard to tell there even  _ was _ a baby underneath all the tubes but Callum could just make out a patch of dark hair and a little hand that had drip attached to it. Looking at the picture it was hard to connect the adult Ben he knew now to baby Ben but despite all that, Callum found he felt oddly protective despite knowing that Ben didn’t even remember being poorly. Kathy then went on to tell him all about taking Ben to get fitted for his first hearing aid when he was two and how excited he’d been when he could hear properly for the first time. 

“You’ll understand when you have kids of your own,” Kathy said as her bottom lip began to wobble dangerously, “He was just so  _ little _ lying there with all those machines and then… and then…”

Without warning, she’d burst out crying and Callum has sat there dumbstruck not knowing what to do when Ian had suddenly appeared in the doorway holding a box of menus for the restaurant.

“Mum?!” he’d said as soon as he spotted his weeping mother; dumping the menus on the table before rounding on Callum, “What have you said to her?!”

Stammering his apologies Callum had left once he was sure Kathy was ok and in all honesty, Ben being partially deaf hadn’t caused that much of an issue within their relationship. Although he had a sneaking suspicion Ben couldn’t hear quite as well as he claimed, even with the hearing aid, but he decided to keep that to himself for now. He’d tried Kathy’s rolling trick a few times when he knew that they had to get up early which always seemed to work quite well and claiming the spot as the big spoon meant that there were plenty of  _ other _ ways he could wake Ben up if he needed to. Disappointingly, Ben was currently sleeping at funny angle face down on his pillow so Callum was unable to spoon up behind him and cuddle him like he usually did. Again, the desire to wake his partner up and offload about everything that had happened to him today was fighting against his better nature him and unable to stop himself, Callum prodded Ben in the ribs a little bit.

“ _ Ben _ ,” he whispered as he prodded him some more, “ _ Ben are you awake _ ?” 

Nothing; not even a cursory snore and Callum instantly felt guilty about trying to wake Ben up. It was a relief after the weeks of nightmares, being kicked awake and the constant suspicion that Ben wasn’t even sleeping  _ at all _ that now they'd barely get through their dinner before Ben was falling asleep. Ben had just needed some rest to get him back to his old self and Callum rather enjoyed having Ben fall asleep in his lap when they were watching tv and he was a nice, warm weight curled up against him. Thankfully it seemed like they were passed all that weirdness now and he was beginning to wonder if he was overreacting about the sex stuff and the funny moods now that Phil wasn't trying to force Ben into selling his stolen vehicles anymore. 

Unable to go in for a proper cuddle Callum settled for petting the back of Ben's head, all though he had to stop after a few minutes because Ben started to shift around in his sleep. Not wanting to wake his partner up, even if by accident, Callum reluctantly laid back down and watched Ben sleep for a bit which to some people was probably a bit creepy or sappy but personally Callum liked to watch Ben sleep and he thought it was really cute that he slept all curled up in a ball just like Lexi did. There was barely an arm's length between them but even that small distance felt like a vast, bleak ocean stretched out and Callum desperately wanted to cross; secretly hoping that Ben might roll over onto him so they could cuddle. Unfortunately, he remained face down in his pillow and oblivious to Callum staring at him.

Trying to relax, Callum settled back against the pillows and watched Ben sleep for a few more minutes but it wasn’t long before his mind was wandering back to his earlier meeting with Captain Barrow and then to how annoyed he was at Stuart. Telling half-truths to an elderly veteran wasn’t going to win him any prizes for honesty and he supposed that having to sit there whilst his brother made all those  _ silly  _ remarks to people he barely knew was his penance. He should have taken Ben's advice and told Stuart to shut up about all the army stuff when he first started going on he thought as he thumped his pillow in frustration. Unlike Ben, he  _ knew  _ that Stu wouldn't understand... that he wouldn't get why Callum felt like such a terrible excuse for a soldier. Another phantom pain shot down his leg and Callum shook it in annoyance; feeling even more like a fraud than he usually did. So far the only person that knew about him faking his way out of the military was Ben and even then Callum hadn’t exactly been forthcoming about it. Embarrassed, he’d mumbled his “It’s not that bad, I just couldn’t be in the army anymore” line when Ben had asked him why Stuart had called him inconsiderate when he'd suggested that he and Callum go out running together. He wasn’t entirely sure Ben had brought his excuse but thankfully his "injury" hadn’t come up again until a few weeks later when they’d been having sex. 

Forgetting that he was supposed to have a duff leg, Callum had found a new position he wanted to try, Standing Cowboy, which Ben had eagerly agreed to and they’d given it a whirl the next time they were certain Stuart would be out of the flat. It had all been going great and Callum had been well into it until midway through Ben had asked him if the position was ok for his bad leg and to tell him if it started to hurt; that they could stop if he needed to take a rest. A concerned little pat on the arm was all it had taken before Callum was blurting out that there was nothing wrong with his leg and there never had been. 

"I lied!" he'd cried as he almost dropped Ben on the floor in his anguish, "I lied on my medical so I wouldn't have to go back over there! Everyone thinks I’m this great hero for going but I'm  _ not  _ Ben, I just wanted to go home!"

After his confession, they'd ended staying up till four in the morning talking until Ben had managed to convince Callum that he wasn't a bad person for not wanting to go back to Afghanistan, that he'd done his bit and he deserved to be safe with the people that loved him. It all made sense when Ben put it like that but Callum had begged him not to say anything to anyone and Ben promised that his secret was safe with him.

"You don't think less of me then?" Callum had sniffled when he'd laid safe and secure in Ben's arms.

"Course not you doughnut; you never would have had the pleasure of meeting  _ me _ if you'd been shipped off back over there would you?” Ben had chuckled softly as he stroked Callum’s hair, “Imagine how  _ awful _ that would have been for you..." 

That’s when he’d known that he really could tell Ben anything and there had been other late-night chats, especially when that  _ awful _ video had come to light, where Callum had told Ben things he’d sworn he would never tell  _ anyone _ . It made him a little sad that Ben didn’t feel that he could do the same just yet and that even the vaguest mention of prison made him instantly shut down or the topic of conversation was deliberately pushed in another direction. That didn’t stop Callum trying though and he kept reiterating that Ben’s time in prison didn’t change the way he felt about him and was always very encouraging whenever it seemed like Ben was about to open up a bit more. He’d gotten little bits and pieces here and there so far but nothing substantial and certainly nothing that he felt he could use to make Ben feel better or at least that he wasn’t alone and that they’d both done things they weren’t proud of.

Something was going on in that head he thought with a frown as he reached over to softly stroke Ben’s cheek; something that wasn’t  _ quite  _ right no matter what he'd tried to convince himself of earlier. It wasn't anything to do with sex or Phil or Stuart that much he was sure of and the thought that Ben’s unrest could be down to guilt for moving on when Paul would never have the chance to or that he felt like he was betraying Pauls memory by being in the flat with Callum had crossed his mind. If that was the case then Callum was willing to do whatever it took to lessen that burden but, again, Ben wasn’t exactly one for bringing stuff like that up. Whatever it was Callum was determined that they would get through it together and he leant over to kiss Ben softly on the temple before he settled back down against his pillows to finally drifted off into a restless sleep. 


	8. ... I Saw Fall

_“And even now, every time I dream_

_I hear the men and the monkeys in the jungle scream"_

The time on the bedroom clock read 3:38 AM leaving Ben to the realisation that he had been staring at the watermark on the ceiling for the past forty-five minutes. Next to him, Callum let out a loud snore and Ben leaned over to stroke the floppy quiff that had fallen across his boyfriends face; the hair soft and silky between his fingertips. Callum's hair had always been a bit of a turn on for Ben, even way back when they were just “friends" and he would get horribly jealous whenever he'd had to watch Whitney run her fingers through it. Now he got Callum’s luscious locks all to himself and Ben doubted that Whitney knew how much Callum liked his hair being pulled when they fucked or that he enjoyed his scalp being gently scratched whenever Ben gave him a head massage. Reaching out, he brushed Callum’s hair away from his face whilst he slept and only stopped when Callum began to shift around in his sleep; fearful that he would wake him up from his peaceful slumber. Slumping back down Ben returned to staring up at the ceiling as the time ticked closer towards the morning and tried not to dwell on how he’d ended up awake _yet again_ after falling asleep with relatively little issue.

It hadn’t even been a nightmare that had woken him up this time, more of a weird sense of all encompassing panic, and he’d even heard Callum coming into the bedroom but his body had remained rigid and unmoving; stuck in the period between sleep and waking. Then he had been stuck face down in his pillow for a further twenty minutes whilst Callum had whispered his name to see if he was awake before giving up and settling down to sleep until Bens body became slack, and he was able to move. Only Jay had ever witnessed Ben’s weird sleep thing before when he’d slept over at Billy’s after a night out and his brother had freaked out thinking Ben was having a stroke or something. Thankfully Honey had heard them crashing about and come in just before Jay had called 999 and begged for an ambulance.

“It’s called sleep paralysis; I used to get it all the time when I was pregnant with Janet, she explained as she took hold of Ben’s numb hand and stroked the back of it, “Like you’re awake but your body can’t move. Don’t worry Ben; you’ll be all right in a minute.”

Afterwards he’d sworn Jay to secrecy, he didn’t need another reason for people to think he was a head-case, and so far he'd been able to avoid anyone else being privy to it. The one-night stands had never called for much sleep afterwards and Callum was a pretty deep sleeper so the last few times Ben had an “episode” he was able to keep it to himself. Tonight didn’t seem to be any different and Callum let out another sleepy snore as he rolled onto his back and despite how frightened the sleep paralysis made him feel, he was relieved that Callum had remained asleep. If Callum woke up to find Ben frozen stiff like a mannequin, he would want to know all the ins and outs as to why this was happening to Ben and what he could do to make it better which was a conversation that Ben really didn’t want to have. The sleep stuff was something that he’d had since childhood but it had gradually got worse after his first stint in prison and then escalated once he got sent down for manslaughter; something which his cellmates had gleefully exploited. So now he was back to staring at the ceiling and waiting for day break because attempting to try and go back to sleep felt pretty pointless. Alcohol sometimes helped and if he’d given in and joined Callum at the pub then maybe things would have been different but Stuart had made it clear that Ben wasn’t welcome when he’d come barging into Arches to inform him that Callum was having a “Lads Night Out” and that Ben would only ruin it if he came along.

“He needs to go out with his _mates_ ,” Stuart had emphasised as he put his big, grubby hands all over the car bonnet that Ben had just finished polishing, “Not be shut up inside with you all the time.”

Ben hadn’t been feeling well at the time, his head was aching once again, and he'd felt a bit nauseous, so he’d told Stuart to piss off; lying that he was busy tonight anyway so Callum was free to do what he liked. Once Stuart had left, Ben had sat in the back of the car he was supposed to be fixing and mulled over how much of a shitty boyfriend he must be for keeping Callum from going out and socialising like a normal person. After all their disastrous first dates, they’d mostly stayed in and watched films with the odd drink in the Vic or Callum would come with him when he took Lexi somewhere which perhaps wasn’t the most thrilling thing in the world. It wasn’t like he expected them to be out clubbing every night of the week, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was holding Callum back from having his own social life. Ben only had two friends; Jay and Lola which was a slightly depressing realisation to come to at only twenty-three years of age but it wasn’t for lack of trying. Abi had been his best friend when he was a kid and then later on in life but then his dad had started making comments about how Ben should be making friends with the boys at school instead and Max wasn’t his biggest fan, so they’d stopped hanging out. He couldn’t tell Phil that the lads in his year were still making his life hell or that none of them wanted to be his friends anyway, and he’d ended up sat in the library on his own at break time with the elderly librarian Mrs Hicks for company. Then when he’d got out of prison nobody wanted anything to do with him, despite Ian trying to push Martin onto him as a “good influence”, which had suited Ben just fine because he didn’t exactly want to be around people that much anyway. Everyone else’s lives had moved on whilst Ben had been away, and he felt like he just didn’t fit in any more; not with either of his two families. However, just because Ben had the social skill range of a teaspoon, that didn’t mean Callum had to suffer alongside him, but he did wonder why Callum hadn’t mentioned his night out. Probably because he wanted to have five minutes to himself without Ben being needy or attention seeking, the nasty part of his brain told him, but he still secretly hoped that Callum would ditch his control freak of a brother and come straight home. He'd planned on trying to cook something again or to give Callum a sensual back massage or something but that had all gone to shit once he’d heard the voicemail that Callum had left. 

The only reason why Ben had missed Callum’s call in the first place was because like an idiot, he’d fallen asleep on the back seat of the car he was supposed to be fixing and had only woken up when Keanu had banged on the window screen. In desperation, he’d sped along the motorway at well over the speed limit whilst simultaneously trying to call Callum back to find out what was wrong and it was only when he almost ran into the back of a lorry that Ben decided to take the back roads; thinking Callum might have crashed into a ditch somewhere. Round and round he went for what felt like hours and Ben had been about to give in and call the police when Jay had finally replied to one of his multiple text messages to say that Callum was on his way back to Walford after seeing a client, the hearse had a GPS tracker in case it got nicked, and wanted to know why Keanu was going round telling everyone that Ben had almost run him over when he’d sped out of the Arches.

In the end Ben had had to pull over because he couldn’t see properly through all the tears and had sat in a country lane for forty minutes bawling his eyes out. A mixture of pent-up fear and relief that Callum was ok had him dry heaving and then throwing the car door open, so he could vomit all over the road.Â In all the time he’d been driving around Ben hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the night Paul had died and how, much like with Callum, all his calls and text messages had gone unanswered. Paul had already been laying dead in the morgue for hours before Ben had even been able to make his first call and the thought that it was happening all over again had sent him spiralling into hysterics. Nobody had exactly disagreed with him when he’d insisted that the attack on Paul was his fault and despite the fact that she had since apologised to him, Ben agreed with Pam when she told him that they would have all have been better off if he had been killed instead. Wishing he was dead instead of someone else wasn’t exactly a new feeling for Ben, he just didn’t bring it up any more after he’d made the mistake of telling Jay back when they used to live together.

“You ain’t gonna jump off a bridge are ya?” Jay had asked him when Ben had drunkenly told him he wished he’d been battered to death instead of Paul and then had to endure a Jay shaped shadow for two weeks as his brother was clearly worried he was going to gas himself to death in the Arches or something.Â Ian more than likely would have preferred that Kathy had survived the car crash that “killed” her instead of his weird kid brother that he hardly knew and Phil had told him on more than one occasion that he wished Ben had died in the car crash so it wasn’t surprising that Pam should feel the same.

Callum wasn't dead, Ben knew that deep down, but the thought of losing yet _another_ person that he loved had completely fucked him up and by the time Ben had got back to the flat, his mind was a complete mess. Callum had called him sounding far happier then he had in his voicemail and Ben had answered in an exhausted daze; mumbling one-word answers when Callum explained that he was in the pub and that Ben could go the flat and wait for him to come home if he wanted to. Mumbling that he was fine to stay at home, Ben wasn't sure what happened after that, only that he somehow ended up standing in the kitchen staring at the kettle wearing Callum's sleep shirt and his underwear with all the lights off. A loud gurgling sound had indicated that he was hungry so Ben had dragged his eyes away from the kettle and tried to cook himself something to eat but he kept forgetting what he was doing; distracted by all the little noises that had suddenly seemed to have infiltrated the flat. The tv felt too loud but then when Ben had turned it off, he found couldn't stand the silence so he'd kept wandering back and forth with remote trying to figure something out. Somewhere along the way he'd lost the remote, burnt his food and wound up next to the kettle again; flicking the switch on and off again repeatedly.

Next to him, Callum let out another loud snore before rolling over in his sleep and Ben watched him fondly for a bit whilst absentmindedly rubbing the new, shiny red burn mark on the inside of his forearm. He hadn't done the tea ritual in a while, not since Paul died and then a few times after that when he was feeling particularly miserable. The stress of spending most of the day thinking that Callum was laying battered to death in a ditch somewhere had overwhelmed him and before Ben knew it, he had been filling the kettle with water and turning it on to boil. There always had to be eight cups and eight matching teaspoons when he did this and sometimes it was enough that he just set the cups out but other times like tonight, Ben would fill them all with boiling water, dip a teaspoon in and press it against his wrist until his skin burnt. The reasons why he did this remained unclear and Ben never liked to look too closely at his actions and focused on the sense of relief he always felt once the pain set in and all the pent up feelings inside him got washed away for a brief moment. It was just an odd habit he'd kept up over the years, nothing to get worked up over, but admittedly it had gotten pretty bad in prison and to the point where his cellmate at the time had complained about all the hot water he was using up which had resulted in Ben hurling a mug against the wall and breaking the kettle. After that, they'd found all the marks on his arm and tried to make him sign some weird "Holding Myself Accountable" letter which Ben was prepared to do just so they'd leave him alone until he found out that a copy would be sent to Phil and he'd refused point-blank. It wasn't like he thought that Phil would in any way care about what he was doing to himself but he was in a phase of his life where even the mention of his dad's name sent Ben spiralling into a rage. After much back and forth that culminated in Ben throwing a chair and crying, they'd given up and ended up stuffing him full of Lorazepam and left him to sleep it off in one of the solitary confinement cells for a few days.

Picking at the now throbbing red patch of skin on his wrist, Ben was beginning to regret what he'd done but only because that would lead to awkward questions from Callum; nobody, not even Jay, knew about his little quirk. He'd seen Phil looking at the marks on his arm once and Ben had waited to see if he'd say anything but his dad had just got up and left the table without speaking to him and, to be honest, Ben didn't even know what he would say if anyone asked. The old marks had mostly faded by now and if Callum _had_ noticed, he had been too polite to say anything. Now he'd fucked everything up again by acting like a complete nut job that couldn't even cope with his boyfriend having a night out with his mates. As if on cue, Callum muttered something in his sleep so Ben leant over to stroke his hair again for a bit before he wriggled closer and attempted to wedge himself against Callum's chest. Exhaustion was beginning to wash over him again and Ben hoped that he might get at least a few hours sleep before he had to drag himself round to Ian's to help with the dumb councillor thing his brother was doing. Callum made another noise in his sleep, louder this time, but Ben had his good ear pressed against his chest so all he heard was a distorted mumbling sound. Sleep still evaded him but Ben closed his eyes anyway in the naive hope that he might fall asleep anyway only to be almost almost be dislodged from the cosy position he'd found himself in when Callum jolted like a live wire.

“Cal?” he mumbled groggily as he stroked Callum’s chest to settle him back to sleep; laying his head back down once Callum snored again, but the snoring didn’t last long before Callum let out a loud groaning sound and his legs moving restlessly beneath the duvet. Without his hearing aid in, it sounded like someone had trapped him underwater and Ben fumbled around in the dark for his glasses, only for Callum to let out another cry of distress so he made do without. Everything was just one big, disorientating mess as he squinted through the darkness, but that didn’t stop Ben from trying to asses the situation even as Callum started shouting out in his sleep. Whatever he was saying filtered through Ben’s ears as nothing more than disjointed nonsense but it was the look on Callum’s face that hit Ben like a punch in the gut; he looked absolutely _terrified_. 

“Callum!” he said as he shook Callum gently by the shoulder, trying to rouse him, “Callum wake up!”

The irony wasn’t lost on Ben that he was the one now doing the comforting after Callum had spent so many nights gently waking Ben up from those _awful_ prison dreams, and he edged a bit closer intending to wake his boyfriend up as calmly as possible. A few months back Lexi had a recurring dream about being eaten by giant hamster so Ben had had a lot of practice successfully soothing restless sleepers back to sleep, or at least he thought he did. It didn’t look like Callum was dreaming about something as harmless as a rampaging rodent though, because when Ben gently touched his arm; he began screaming again.

“ _GETOUT!EVERYBODYRUN!_ ” Callum yelled with his hands flailing around as Ben had to quickly move to avoid getting hit by them, “ _RUUUNNN!_ ”

“Cal!” he cried, and this time he shook the still distressed Callum firmly by the shoulder, “CALLUM WAKE UP!”

Without warning Callum sat bolt upright, his eyes wild and staring, but before Ben could do or say anything else, his enormous fist slammed into the side of Ben’s head; knocking him clean off the bed. Hitting the floor with a loud thud, Ben sat there in a dazed, crumpled heap as a sharp pain spread through his cheek like wildfire. There was movement above him but Ben’s good ear was ringing with the force of the impact and without his hearing aid in the other ear, he panicked that he now couldn’t hear anything. The realities of what being completely deaf would be like had been made clear to Ben in prison when the other lads had nicked his hearing aid and losing the rest of his hearing had been something that had scared him ever since he was a little kid, even though his mum had explained to him how unlikely that was to happen. He used to have an annual review to check to see if his hearing aid was working correctly, but that had all stopped once he came to England to live with his dad. In fact, it had been years since Ben had had his hearing measured and it was only when he went to get his new, smaller hearing aid that he found out that the old one was well past its prime. Now he could hear way more than he ever had before, even things like the gentle purr of a car engine. However, that meant when he took it out for the night or misplaced it, Ben found he got ever so slightly panicky. He was too reliant on it; he knew that, but he tried not to let it show and to be honest nobody had ever really cottoned on to how much his lack of hearing affected him. Everyone that is except for Callum who, after being completely mortified that he didn’t know Ben was deaf, had immediately started asking questions to try to “help”.

“Do you know sign language? Do you want _me_ to learn sign language? I can if you want; I don’t mind! Do you need me to put the captions on the telly...” he’d asked enthusiastically whilst Ben had baulked at the idea; he wasn’t about to be treated like some sort of hopeless case, despite Callum’s good intentions.

“It’s fine,” he’d mumbled, pulling the remote out of Callum’s hand before he could start fiddling with settings on the TV, “I don’t even notice the difference anymore.”

That was a lie; sometimes he struggled with the audio on the tv and even with his new hearing aid, crowds often overwhelmed him and he had trouble focusing when more than one person started talking to him. Ever since he was a kid, Ben had always preferred the peace and quiet but he didn’t think that had much to do with his deafness and was more to do with growing up in a volatile household that mostly consisted of drunken screaming and yelling. Just like back then, the room was filling up with noise and Ben couldn’t focus on any of it; his head swimming as he tried to pick out what was being said to him and put the pieces together in a way that made sense.

“B..N... SOR... DIDN’T.....AN... PL.... SO ...RY...”

Something unknown grabbed at him, causing Ben to flinch away as he all but crawled underneath the bed to get to safety. As much as he hated being reliant on a lump of plastic, his hearing aid was in someways his oldest friend and being without it was making Ben incredibly anxious and disorientated. A hand reached for him again, gentler this time, but Ben’s head was already filling up with flashes of the _weeks_ that had stretched out in prison when one of the boys would nick his hearing aid and then what he’d have to do to get it back. Blurred memories of sweat-stained skin, stale deodorant and being _pushed_ and _shoved_ and _laughed_ at all because he couldn’t hear properly clawed there way up inside him resulting in Ben throwing up all over the carpet.

“..en... sorry…ase…di..t…I..rry...s...ry...B..”

The ringing in his ear finally halted and Ben stared down at a carpet full of his own vomit and the acrid stench of bile hit his nostrils, causing him to wretch again. There was a vague notion that he should try to clean it up, but then a powerful pair of hands wrapped around him and lifted him back up onto the bed.

Before he could even think about cleaning it up, a sturdy pair of hands wrapped around him and Ben found himself sitting back on the bed with Callum’s ashen face staring back at him. There were tears in his eyes and he gasped in shock as he took in the red mark that was rapidly spreading across Bens cheek. 

“Callum?” Ben asked as he gingerly touched his stinging cheek, “Callum, what’s wrong? Are you all right? You were having a bad dream.”

Callum was saying something to him but he was speaking too frantically, leaving Ben struggling to understand exactly what it was he was talking about.

“Cal,” he exclaimed, but his head pounded with the effort of trying to hear everything properly, “I can’t hear you... I need my hearing aid.”

Whatever Callum’s response was, it was lost on him and Ben had to turn away to look for his hearing aid; relieved to find it still resting safely on the nightstand. As if by magic everything came back at full volume and he tried to focus on orientating himself to all the distinct sounds, although a headache was already blossoming at the base of his skull and he turned his attention back to Callum.

“… DidntmeantohityouimsosorryBenIcantbeleiveIdidthat,” Callum sobbed as he buried his face in his hands and shame coursed through Ben’s body. What was Callum apologising to _him_ for? He’d been having a bad dream, a nightmare, and it should be _Ben_ comforting _him_ , not the other way around. Ben must have done something wrong when he’d tried to wake Callum up, so it was no wonder that he’d ended up with a fist to the face. He tried to tell Callum this, but Callum let out another strangled sob and turned away from him with his head in his hands, leaving Ben alone and confused on the other side of the bed. After a moment, he tentatively reached out to touch Callum, who had gone quiet by this point, on the shoulder so Ben thought he might get a chance to say something only for Callum to jump up and charge across the room to switch the main light on.

“Cal,” Ben groaned as he tried to shield his eyes from the bright, blinding light, “What are you doing? Come back to bed.”

Instead of answering, Callum let out an audible gasp; there was a tiny cut along with a rapidly expanding lump on the side of Ben’s cheek, but before he could tell his boyfriend that it wasn’t that bad, that it didn’t even hurt that much, Callum let out another wail.

“I’m _fine_ Callum,” Ben insisted as he touched the side of his head and admittedly it did sting a bit, “Just sit down a sec... you were having some kind of nightmare.”

Thinking that they would both just go back to sleep, Ben tugged the duvet back only for Callum to pull his chest of draws open and to grab a jumper and a pair of jeans. Head still aching, all Ben wanted to do was sleep, and he asked Callum _three times_ to come back to bed but got no response leaving Ben sitting awkwardly in his pants whilst Callum stomped around the bedroom angrily throwing his clothes on.

“Get dressed,” Callum told him without looking at him as he handed over a pile of clothes, but Ben didn’t understand what on earth was going on.

“What? _Why?_ ” he asked and the horribly familiar realisation that he’d done something wrong hit him, “Callum, just stop for a sec, _please!”_

Callum sat with his back to him whilst he pulled his shoes on so Ben had no other option other than to get dressed himself; still unsure what was actually happening. He tried again but clearly Callum couldn’t even stand to look at him and he ignored Ben’s insistence that whatever had happened wasn’t his fault and that they could just go back to bed and pretend it had never happened.

“Get your coat please” Callum said bluntly and Ben found himself being manhandled into his coat, his shoes being shoved onto him and then all too quickly being pulled out of the flat and down the stairs. The coffins loomed large in the darkness when they hurried past and Ben couldn’t help but think that there was something _in_ one of them and trying to claw its way out. Maybe _that’s_ what had freaked Callum out? Maybe there really _was_ a monster or some sort of dark entity that had infected the flat and prevented Ben from sleeping at night and had now found its way over to Callum?

“Callum,” Ben began, intending to explain all about the ghost that was haunting the flat, but Callum wasn’t listening to him and continued to stare straight ahead as he hurried them along towards the front door. A blast of cold hit him but as they made their way out into the frigid night air, Ben suddenly felt very frightened; he didn’t want to go out in the dark.

“ _Callum!_ ” he hissed as he desperately tried to hang on to Callum’s arm and pull him back inside, “ _Callum wait!_ ”

It was no use and in no time at all he was being half dragged across the square and Callum’s strong fingers accidentally pressed against the patch of red skin on Ben’s wrist and he instinctively pulled away; fearful that Callum would see and demand an explanation.

“Callum,” he begged feebly as he tried to pull himself free from once again, “Where are we going?”

Yet again Callum didn’t respond which left Ben no choice other than to allow himself to be marched across the square and was bewildered when they ended up outside the Beale house. Before he could do or say anything, Callum had his keys in his hand and then they were standing in the darkened hallway of his brother’s house.

“Why are we here?” he demanded once Callum finally let go of him and his head was really aching now, but it didn’t look like he and Callum had come here for a cosy place to spend the rest of the night.

“I’m sorry,” Callum before his voice broke and he burst into loud, anguished sobs, “I’m _so_ sorry!”

Tears were pouring all the way down his cheeks as he wept, but when Ben went to comfort him, he got pushed away again. Confused and hurt, Ben tried again but Callum backed away from him this time like he was dangerous and Ben’s hands fell to his sides in defeat. Of _course_ Callum wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him after all the shit he’d pulled; unable to stop himself from conjuring multiple reasons why Callum obviously hated him.

“You shouldn’t be anywhere near me!” Callum wept, leaving Ben at a loss as to what he was talking about, “How can you even stand to _look_ at me after what I just did to you?”

Huh?

“Lashing out... hitting people... hitting you!” Callum continued frantically as tears splashed all over his jumper, “I’m no better than my dad am I?!”

“What?! You’re _nothing_ like your dad!” Ben snapped; horrified that Callum could even _think_ that about himself, “It was just a dream! You didn’t hit me on purpose!”

“That’s how it starts with people like me though ain’t it?” Callum told him hysterically through a veil of tears and Ben almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, “It’s always an accident the first time around ain’t it? You’re not safe to be anywhere _near_ me!”

He turned to leave and Ben sprang into action; grabbing hold of him by the arm to prevent him from leaving. Ordinarily he would have just let Callum go, convinced that he really was better away from Ben and his fucked up life, but he couldn’t let Callum walk out thinking that he was in _any_ shape or form like his waste of space father and especially not over a stupid dream.

“Callum, please!” he begged as he clung on to Callum’s hand and attempted to thread their fingers together, “Please don’t go! Stay here with me so we can talk about this!”

Callum took hold of him and pushed him back into the house; not with any type of force and Ben could have stopped him if he wanted to but the feeling of having got everything wrong, of messing up again was all-consuming so he stayed put this time.

“I’m so sorry Ben,” Callum wept and then he was gone and Ben was left staring at the closed front door. Something inside his chest _broke_ but he found that he couldn’t make his feet move; his brain already telling him that there was no hope, that he was a lost cause.

_“Ben? What are you doing?”_

It was Lola; creeping down the stairs in her dressing gown and Ben stared blankly up at her.

“Whats going on? You’re gonna wake Lexi up in a minute and I ain’t reading another chapter of Harry Potter to her!”

The living room light clicked on and Ben could tell by her expression that he must look like a right state with his clothes all rumpled and the rapidly swelling bruise on his face. Her eyes widened in shock and Ben silently prayed that she wasn’t about to chew him out or demand an explanation because he really didn’t have the energy for all of that, but Lola clearly had other ideas.

“Explain,” she snapped and she sat down on the sofa with her arms folded tightly across her chest, “Now.”

“It’s _nothing_ ,” Ben said vaguely, and he turned back to the front door as if Callum was suddenly going to walk back through it and reveal that this was all one big joke.

“That ain’t nothing Ben,” Lola hissed back as she pointed to his admittedly swollen face, “Look; you know I don’t care what you do just as long as you’re there for Lex, but I ain’t having her seeing her dad’s battered face over the breakfast table every day!”

The mention of Lexi cut deep but Ben couldn’t tell Lola about what Callum had been shouting about in his sleep, he just couldn’t, and in the end he cobbled together some story about how Calum had rolled over in his sleep and accidentally hit him in the face.

“Wait... _Callum_ did that?” Lola asked in complete shock and Ben instantly regretted not making up that he’d been in a fight and that’s why Callum was done with him, “ _Callum_ was the one that hit you?”

“Yes, but he didn’t _mean_ to Lola! It was my fault; if I’d woken him up earlier or if I’d-”

“Slipped did he?” Lola queried as she raised one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows, “And then what? His fist just fell onto your face did it?”

This was all going wrong; Callum wasn’t an… an abuser or whatever else it was that Lola was thinking. Callum was the last person who would lay a hand on him in anger, even if Ben more than likely deserved it.

“It wasn’t Callum’s fault Lo!” Ben insisted; if he hadn’t been so messed up in the head or had that stupid sleep paralysis thing he could have helped Callum wake more naturally.

“Sit,” Lola instructed as she indicated the spot next to her sofa and Ben reluctantly sat down next to her as a dull, distant thumping noise was reverberating around his head, “I’ll go make us some hot milk.”

Ben sat on the sofa with his foot anxiously bouncing up and down; trying to piece together where everything had gone wrong and repeatedly phoning Callum whilst Lola pottered around in the kitchen. Callum wasn’t answering any of his texts or calls which was making him feel sick with anxiety and he was about to go charging back round there when Lola returned from the kitchen. She handed him a mug of warm milk just like she did for Lexi when she was poorly or couldn’t sleep and Ben suddenly wished that he’d had a mum like Lola when he was growing up.

“Nobody gets a free pass to hit you Ben,” she said quietly whilst Ben busied himself by blowing the steam away from his drink, “You wouldn’t want me or Lex to be ok with some bloke hitting us would you?”

“No.”

If anyone laid a finger on Lexi or Lola, Ben would kill them and that wasn’t an exaggeration; nobody laid a finger on his girls. Lola ended up sitting with him for an hour whilst Ben recounted as vaguely as he could what had happened and reiterated that Callum didn’t hit him on purpose and was relieved when Lola finally understood that it was an accident. She was of the opinion that Ben should leave Callum to calm down a bit and then and go round and see him tomorrow to sort it all out.

“So you think if I just say sorry then it’ll be ok?” Ben asked anxiously only for Lola to let out an incredulous snort.

“I weren’t saying _you_ was the one that needed to apologise Ben!” she said with a shake of her head as she set her empty cup down, “Just talk to Callum and it’ll be fine or better yet talk to your mum before you go round; she’ll be able to help you. I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”

She headed on up to bed, leaving Ben alone on the sofa with his very confused thoughts. After mulling it over he decided to wait up for his mum and ask for some advice like Lola had suggested. He hadn’t told Lola what Callum had said about being like his dad, but it seemed like something Kathy could offer advice on after having been married to both Phil and Gavin. Now he’d had some time to think through everything Ben had come to the understanding that Callum must have been having one of his Army dreams and Ben sure as hell wasn’t going to hold him responsible for an accidental thump to the face. Callum just needed this explaining to him and Ben was counting on his mum to help give him the words to tell him in a way that wouldn’t make everything worse.

After what felt like forever, and many minutes spent convincing himself not to go back to the parlour and kick the door down, Ben finally heard his mum’s bedroom door open and then the creak of the landing as she made her way downstairs to start breakfast.

“Mum?” he called out as he scrambled up off the sofa in his haste to speak to her, “Mum, can I talk to you?”

He wasn’t actually going to tell her that Callum had thumped him or that he was having some sort of PTSD nightmare, but Ben was pretty confident he could get the same results from her by making a story up and leaving all that out.

“OH!” Kathy yelped as she clutched her chest in fright from the middle of the stairs, “ _Ben?!_ What are you doing here? I thought you stayed at Callum’s last night?”

“Yeah I was but-”

“Well I’m glad your here because I need your help; your brother keeps avoiding spending quality time with Bobby so I thought we’d have a family dinner,” she said as she breezed past him on her way into the kitchen and began hunting around in the cupboards for the frying pan, “You can bring Callum if you want but I want it to go smoothly so no mucking about.”

“I don’t know if Callum will want to…” Ben trailed off because he honestly wasn’t sure if he was ever going to see Callum again after last night, “That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Shirley had hated him, Lola did a runner with Lexi when Ben first got out and everyone else didn’t want to be around him for longer than five minutes so if Callum wanted to call it quits then it wouldn’t exactly be a surprise. Ben understood, nobody wanted to hang around with a convicted killer, but to have had even the _tiniest_ level of support Bobby was getting had would have made all the difference. He’d been so lonely for all those years and Ben had been dragged down so low that he’d almost given up, but then Paul had taken a chance on him and he’d started to get his life back on track. Inevitably it had all come crashing back down again with a combination of Paul’s death, his dad drinking again, and then his disastrous relationship with Luke. Kathy had been there for him after Luke had landed him in hospital but it had felt like she was keeping him at arms length and Ben never felt like he could fully open up to her for fear he would say something she didn’t like and then she would leave him as well.

“You just had a bit of slap Ben,” Sharon had once explained after Ben had mentioned talking to his mum about Luke a bit more because he thought it might help him understand things more, “What that family did Kathy was horrendous and you’re being a bit insensitive by bringing Luke up all the time darlin; they’ll be other boys for you to lust after!”

Luke had done much more than just knock him about a bit during their relationship but Ben had never felt like he had the right words to talk about any of that and after what Sharon had said he just stopped talking about Luke altogether and his relationship with his mum had gone back to semi-normal. Being a bit jealous of Bobby was a relatively new experience and he _hated_ himself for it because Ben loved Bobby and wanted him to get better, but at the same time his mum was so much more involved with his nephew he just wished that he could spend a bit time alone with her.

“Well, you won’t know until you ask him will you?” Kathy told him from inside the fridge as she pulled out a packet of bacon and a carton of eggs, “Besides, it would be nice to get to know Callum a bit more aside from seeing him sneak across the hallway in his pants in the morning!”

“ _Mum!_ ” Ben snapped; her constant mentions of Callum was making him feel like time was rapidly running out for him to fix things.

“Yes darling, what… Oh, _Ben!_ ” Kathy exclaimed as she finally turned to look at him and laid eyes on the ugly-looking bruise on his cheek, “What have you gone and done now?!”

Ben stood there silently whilst his mum heaved out a heavy sigh of annoyance and she threw down the loaf of bread she was holding before launching into a tirade about how much of a disappointment he was by getting into fights all the time. Kathy’s primary concern was how bad of an example he was setting for Bobby and that he contributing to the already “unsettled atmosphere” in the house by acting like a “thug”.

“What about Lexi, eh? What she supposed to think when her dad is coming in at all hours with a face full of cuts and bruises?” she scolded as she brandished a spatula at him, “You’re not a little kid anymore Ben and you’ve got responsibilities now so it’s time you grew up!”

With that she turned back to her cooking and began aggressively throwing bacon into the frying pan and any opportunity Ben had to ask about how to help Callum instantly felt like it was slipping through his fingers. Undeterred, he tried to get Kathy’s attention again because knowing what to do about Callum was more important than being told how much he was messing everyone else’s life up, but only was cut off and asked to set the table. After throwing down some knives and forks, Ben pulled his phone out again and tried calling Callum one more time before deciding that he was just going to go round there and force Callum to talk to him. Now he’d had a few hours to think things over, he felt stupid for having hung around wasting precious time waiting to speak to his mum in the first place.

“Morning,”

It was Lola, fully dressed this time and said stifling an enormous yawn as she sat down at the table and Ben stared at her to try to silently communicate for her to keep quiet about their conversation from last night. She glanced over at him and he could tell by the pained expression on her face that the bruise on his cheek probably looked a lot worse by light of day.

“Where’s Lex?” he asked her before Lola could even draw breath; keen to steer the conversation away from Callum and anything to do with why he’d ended up back at the Beale’s in the middle of the night. He’d always been very protective about Callum’s right to privacy when it came to anything to do with the army, and Ben would rather everyone be cross with him than to spill all of Callum’s deepest, darkest secrets.

“Still pretending to be asleep cus she don’t wanna get her hair cut,” Lola told him as she spread a liberal amount of butter on her toast before shoving it in her mouth, “‘finks Denise is gonna chop it all off and have her looking like a boy.”

The last time she’d had her hair cut, Lexi had sulked for two weeks about the minuscule amount that had been cut off, so Ben had brought her some bright pink hair extensions that clipped in to cheer her up. Phil had scoffed when he’d spent the afternoon helping her put them in her hair and then attending her princess tea party and told him to “leave all that crap to Lola”. It was comments like that that completely knocked his confidence as a parent, which still felt weird to say, and Ben would worry that he really was doing everything all wrong but then Lex would climb up onto his lap and tell him he was the best daddy ever and Ben would stop feeling so shit about himself.

“You been in the wars again little bruv?”

Ben looked up to find Ian staring at him disparagingly over the top of his glasses and he declined to answer; knowing that it would just lead to more unwanted questions.

“Your bother thinks he’s the long lost Kray brother,” Kathy snapped as she slammed down a plate of bacon and eggs which Ben pushed towards Ian who gleefully picked up his knife and fork, “Now what’s this council thing you want me to do?”

Leaving them to it, Ben picked up his plate of cold toast and took it into the kitchen to dump in the bin; intending to leave for the parlour only for Lola to follow him in.

“Why ain’t you telling your mum Callum hit you?” Lola whispered the second Kathy and Ian were out of earshot, “You was in a right state last night.”

“He didn’t hit me,” Ben whispered back as he tried to edge around her so he could leave, “Not really.”

“Well, it didn’t look like that from where I was standing and you shouldn’t let your mum think you’re out getting into fights again!”

“Just drop it Lo!”

Dodging round her, Ben headed back out into the living room to grab his keys and put his coat on, only to be spotted by his mum. 

“And where do you think you’re going?” Kathy rounded on him with her hands on her hips, “I’ve already told you we’re having a family day today and you can spend some quality time with your daughter for once.”

Like everyone else, Kathy just assumed that Ben was intentionally skipping out on spending time with Lexi when in reality he and Lola had already planned that she would take their daughter to the hairdressers and Ben was going to come and get her later so Lola could get her legs waxed. Just because he was a young dad that didn’t mean he was completely incapable of arranging stuff with his kids’ mum and it made Ben feel even more awful that he’d already missed so much of Lexi’s life.

“It’s fine Kathy,” Lola said as she came to his defence, “I’m taking her to get her hair trimmed and Ben always lets her get away with not having it done; it’s easier if I take her myself.”

Ben silently thanked her and was about to bolt out the front door but Kathy wasn’t done with him yet.

“You need to get your act together Ben,” she scolded and Ben felt his face flush as Ian looked over at him to nod in agreement, “Callum isn’t going to want to stick around with someone who gets into fights all the time or can’t be bothered to look after their own daughter!”

“Like you couldn’t be bothered to look after me you mean?!” Ben blurted out unable to stop himself as his hands balled up into fists, “I know I’m a shit dad but at least _I_ didn’t fake my death and dump Lexi in another country all on her own!”

There was a sharp intake of breath as Ian, Kathy and Lola all turned to look at him; the shock at his words evident on their faces. He hadn’t meant to say it but the words had spilled out before he could stop himself; the combination of Callum leaving him and Kathy bringing up how much of a crap dad he was had brought up a surge of emotion in him. In a twisted way Ben was glad he said it… until he saw the hurt look spreading across his mother’s face.

“Ben!” Ian cried completely aghast as he ran to comfort their mum, “Apologise now!”

“Sorry,” Ben said shortly, and he really meant it, but it was too late and Kathy had already turned her back on him and disappeared into the kitchen to dab her eyes on a tea towel. Ian was still looking pissed off that he could say something so flippant, so Ben quickly left before he could do or say anything else to upset them all. Stepping out into the cold morning air, he spotted Jay opening up the parlour for the day and he sprinted across the road to catch up with him.

Callum’s self-imposed exile lasted all of three hours, mainly because Jay was fed up of listening to Ben yelling through the letterbox to the flat upstairs when he was trying to deal with clients.

“Here,” he said as he shoved the spare set of keys to Callum’s flat into his hand, “Now if you ain’t gonna tell me why you’ve turned up here looking like you’ve gone a round with Rocky Balboa, some of us have got businesses to run.”

Charging up the stairs two at a time, Ben eagerly shoved the keys in the lock only to be left confused why it wasn’t opening. Fumbling with the keys, he was about to try again when the door to burst open and he came face to face with Stuart, who was almost apocalyptic with rage.

“Didn’t you get the message?” he snarled as spittle flew everywhere and he blocked Ben’s path into the flat, “He don’t wanna see you, so piss off!”

Ben scowled up at him and utilised the carefully constructed wall of bravado he’d built up over the years to make it seem like he wasn’t bothered, but inside he was devastated; how stupid was he to think that Callum would want to see him? He’d left it too late and should have come straight over to explain himself instead of hanging around waiting for his _mum_ to fix everything for him, and now Callum had been stuck with Stuart for the past couple of hours. If he could just get into the flat and explain the night’s events properly and how he, Ben, hadn’t exactly helped matters, then maybe Callum wouldn’t be so upset and stop believing he was about to turn into his vile father because he’d accidentally clocked Ben one.

“Move,” he snapped as he tried to shove his way past, only for Stuart’s giant body to fill the doorway. 

“I said you ain’t coming in! You deaf or something?” Stuart growled before his face split into a wide grin and he smirked down at Ben, “Oh yeah; you _are_ , aren’t ya?”

Ben braced himself for a punch or a slap or even for Stuart to smack his hearing aid out and run off with it in a throwback to his prison days. Even with only partial hearing and a busted eardrum, prison had been _loud_ to the point where Ben would bang his head against his pillow, the wall or his cell door in an attempt to drown the noise out. That had earned him the nickname “Mad Mitchell” and a four-day stint in the psyche ward pumped up to the eyeballs with drugs. Mistakenly, he’d thought that the other lads would leave him alone after that, like they did with the kid who kept talking out loud to his dead aunt, but it only made everything worse and they’d started taking bets to see which one of them could set him off. Ben had tried to give as good as he got but that never really worked out that well for him and much like the other prisoners, Stuart appeared to _relish_ the fact that Ben felt uneasy around him and he drew himself up even taller; puffing his chest out like a gorilla.

“Why don’t you take the hint and leave, yeah?” he growled whilst Ben tried not to shrink even further away from him, “Before we have a repeat of what happened back in the Arches.”

If Ben had revealed to that it was Stuart that had beaten him to a bloody pulp at Pride, then perhaps he wouldn’t have been subjected to all the tuts and whispered mutterings that he must have deserved it. Ian had told him straight to his face that if perhaps he “toned himself down a bit” then maybe he wouldn’t get into so many fights, as if being gay gave homophobic idiots like Stuart a license to beat the shit out of him. Ironically, the only person he had been honest with was Callum but when he’d seen the level of panic in the other man’s face he just couldn’t bring himself to fill everyone else in on how handy Stuart was with his fists and given a very watered-down version of events.

“It’s different now,” Callum had explained whenever Ben was less than enthusiastic about spending time with Stuart, “What we with me being out of the closet and all that.”

He’d said it almost pleadingly, as if he was trying to convince himself more than Ben and those big, sad puppy dog eyes had gotten to him and Ben had begrudgingly agreed to have dinner with Stuart. He thought he could try for Callum but being around Stuart for over ten minutes made him anxious and uncomfortable and things only got worse when Stuart had caught sight of the West Side Story dvd he’d brought over to watch later with Callum.

“Oh, that’s Bens!” Callum had explained hopefully, as if Stuart was going to find this interesting, “You can watch it with us if you want.”

“What’s it about? Has it got any fight scenes in it?”

Callum had looked at Ben for help and he found the nasty little monster rising in his chest and he couldn’t stop himself from being rude and snapping that it was a musical and that any idiot would know that.

“Musical?!” Stuart snorted, “What sort of saddo likes musicals?”

“ _I_ think they’re fun!” Callum had insisted in a desperate bid to break the tension, “And... uhhh... there was fighting in that one we watched last week weren’t there Ben?”

Ben had shrugged; refusing to take part in the conversation any more and had eventually left early to go back to his mums when Stuart had _insisted_ that they watch a boring Bruce Willis film. Thinking that they were making progress, Callum had then tried to push Rainie on him as well until Ben had snapped at him that that would never happen. Every time he looked at Rainie, it reminded him of yet another time when his own mistakes had caused major damage to his family. Phil would never have turned to drugs in the first place if Ben hadn’t gotten himself landed in prison for battering Jordan Johnson. Ronnie had told him he was being “dramatic” and “self-centred” when he’d tried to talk to her about this once he’d been released and perhaps she would have been more understanding if Ben had mentioned the rambling letter Phil had sent him whilst he’d been inside.

_I thought the drink was the best thing I ever tasted but now i’ve got something better and it’s all thanks to you, you ungrateful little prick…_

There had been other letters with other hurtful truths told and Ben had read every one of them from cover to cover and from front to back until he had them all memorised. This total mess of problems felt like far too much to dump onto one person, and Ben didn’t think Callum would be too happy if he compared his brother to a bunch of prison thugs or brought up Rainie’s druggie past. He eyed Stuart apprehensively from the doorway who, much like the boys in prison, was wildly unpredictable at the best of times as well as being both big, stupid and took great delight in hitting him.

“I want to speak to Callum!” Ben insisted, and he fully intended to push his way past but Stuart’s massive body was still blocking the doorway. He was getting desperate now and knowing that Callum was sat in there hurting over something so trivial as a dream was driving him to distraction. Plenty of people had punched Ben, and they weren’t holed up in their flat all upset about it but this was different, this was Callum and Ben would be damned if some dumb ogre was going to prevent him making it right. Moving forward, he tried to duck under Stuart’s outstretched arm but the older Highway was surprisingly quick and grabbed hold of him; his grip tightening like a vice and his eyes went wide once he noticed the livid bruise on Ben’s cheek.

“How’d you get that?” he demanded and he reached out to jab painfully at Ben’s face, “Have you been bringing my brother around all your criminal mates, have ya?! Is that why Callum’s all upset and locked himself in his room?!”

“No!”

Stuart shook his head and his expression clouded over with unbridled rage and he slammed his enormous fist into the doorframe beside him. Ben would have taken a step backwards but Stuart still had hold of him and even if he didn’t, Ben didn’t think his feet were capable of moving.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?!” he screamed, and he prodded Ben hard in the chest, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BRUVA?!”

“I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!” Ben shouted back as he tried to pull his arm free but only succeeded in making Stuart’s knuckles go white from clenching on even harder. With his face bright red with suppressed rage, he bellowed straight into Ben’s face that he was _scum_ and that he would pay for whatever he’d done to Callum. Ben did his best to remain calm but his breathing was coming out in ragged bursts and his brain kept switching back and forth from where he was now, to flashes of long suppressed memories where he’d been too weak to defend himself… violently shaken… slapped…

_“You really don’t care about anyone else do you, Ben? Don’t you want you dad to have a new wife? Such a spiteful, horrid little boy that doesn’t even care about his own father’s happiness. No wonder he doesn’t love you…"_

“You’re always doing something ain’t ya?” Stuart hissed as he finally let go of Ben, who stumbled back a bit into the hallway with a mind full of jumbled images, “And now you’ve gone and got my brother involved in your sick little games!”

Ben remained silent; his cheeks damp with tears as Stuart continued to berate him… maybe he had done something awful to make Callum react that way but was just too self-centred and stupid to realise it?

“Nobody wants you here!” Stuart spat and then he pushed Ben so hard against the wall that the back of his head bounced off it, “Can’t you see you just make everything worse? He was _fine_ before he met you and now look what’s happened!”

Stuart was deluded if he thought Callum had been “fine” before he came out; he was miserable and desperately unhappy to the point of harming himself. Perhaps one of the few good things Ben had done in his life was helping Callum to accept himself for who he truly was but he doubted that Stuart would see it that way. The memory of Callum hitting himself with that bottle gave Ben a spike of adrenaline and he charged forward undetered by Stuart who was still yelling at him to go away, and he found himself blurting out the truth once he got shoved back again.

“IT WAS CALLUM! CALLUM HIT ME BUT IT WAS AN AC-“

It wasn’t supposed to come out that way, like Callum was some sort of boyfriend beater, and all he’d wanted was to reassure Stuart that none of this was Callum’s fault but judging by the look on the other mans face, his words had the opposite effect.

“YOU’RE A _LIAR_!! A FILTHY _LIAR_!!” Stuart roared as he went almost purple with rage and got up into Bens face again, “CALLUM’S A NICE BLOKE! HE WOULDN’T GO ROUND HITTING PEOPLE UNLIKE YOU, YOU SICK FREAK!”

“I know that! He didn’t mean to, he was-” Ben tried to explain but Stuart wasn’t listening to him and carried on screaming at him.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HIM HIT YOU? WHAT DID YOU SAY TO UPSET HIM?” he demanded until a sudden realisation seemed to hit him and he pointed an accusatory finger at Ben, “ _YOU_ HIT HIM FIRT DIDN’T YOU? DIDN’T YOU?!”

Ben hesitated; Callum _hated_ it whenever Stuart talked about the army and telling him that Callum had some sort of PTSD attack would not go down well. It had been the same with the medals and unbeknown to anyone, Ben had snuck into the flat whilst Stuart was engrossed in a football match on the TV, stuffed the medal box underneath his coat and hidden them under his bed at his dad’s house. Stuart was still waiting for an answer, and Ben tried to organise his muddled thoughts together to give him one.

“I don’t know what happened; he was just-“

“So you admit you did something! My brothers in bits in there and he won’t tell me why and it’s all because of _you_!”

“No; it was just-”

“Whats _this_ then?” Stuart demanded and before Ben could stop him, he grabbed hold of Ben’s arm and pulled his sleeve back; exposing the scalded red flesh, “Did Callum do that?"

“No!”

“Well who did then?!”

“IT WAS _ME_ OK?” Ben shouted back at him despite this being the one thing he promised he would never tell anyone, “I DID IT!!”

“You’re sick in the ‘ead!” Stuart spat as he finally let go of Ben’s arm and took a step away from him like he was some sort of dangerous animal, “You’re trying to make it look like he’s hurting you, ain’t ya?! Trying to make it look like Callum’s some sort of abuser to get sympathy from everyone so people won’t think you’re such a messed up freak!”

“No!”

“You’re _scum_ ,” Stuart snarled, “A ex _murdering_ con whose already got one boyfriend killed! You gonna do that to Callum are you? You gonna mouth off again and get another boyfriend six feet under?”

Whilst Stuart continued to vocalise the very thing Ben feared the most coming true, that being with him would ultimately lead to Callum’s untimely death, Ben remained silent and stared at the floor. 

“I bet you love this don’t you? Bet you _love_ hurting nice people like Callum. This is fun for you ain’t it? AIN’T IT?!” Stuart snarled as he poked Ben hard in the chest once again, “I asked around about you, about what you did to that woman you killed. What did you do to her, eh? Did you stab her to death? Beat her up? Shove her down the stairs?”

Ben felt sick; he’d never meant to hurt anyone but he’d been so messed up back then and had let his anger get the better of him only to do the unthinkable. Callum was going to find all this out eventually, but stupidly Ben kept telling himself that if he put off telling Callum then he might eventually forget about it. Stuart was still breathing heavily like he’d just run a marathon and without warning, he grabbed Ben roughly by the elbow and dragged him away from the flat and back down the stairs.

“I should have done this when you first started sniffing around him,” Stuart ranted as he shoved Ben down the stairs so hard he almost fell over, “Whitney might not have worked out but he could have found some other bloke... someone that actually _cares_ about him.”

“I _do_ care about Callum!” Ben protested weakly; he wasn’t about to tell Stuart that he more than just cared about his brother. Those same feelings he’d felt for Paul, those same feelings of love and devotion had swept over him like a warm blanket and it absolutely _terrified_ him.

“Yeah right,” Stuart scoffed in disbelief as he continued to drag Ben along the corridor that led to the front door, “You don’t care about anyone but yourself! Just had to have him didn’t you? Couldn’t leave him alone for someone better to come along could you?! Well I know one thing; you’re sick and you ain’t coming anywhere near my brother ever again!”

Then he yanked the door open and shoved Ben hard in the back, who went flying out on the pavement; his palms scraping against the concrete before he could catch himself.

“Stay away from Callum!” Stuart snarled and then he slammed the door shut in Ben’s face.

Groaning, Ben sat up to find his father and Louise staring back at him on their way to the Minute Mart. Phil looked him up and down, his face full of contempt before he carried on up the street; barking at Louise to hurry up.

“I’ll just be a sec dad,” Louise called back and she glared maliciously over at Ben, who was still struggling to get to his feet; his hearing aid had come out but he didn’t want to give Louise the satisfaction of seeing him scratching around on the floor for it. Relations with his sister had never been good, and Ben eyed her warily as she folded her arms across her baby bump and stared down at him.

“Back where you belong then?” she asked with a smirk as she strolled over to him, “In the gutter with the rest of the trash.”

Ben remained silent; unwilling to give her the satisfaction of knowing just how much her words stung. As the apple of Phil’s eye, Louise had never had much time for him and Ben knew well enough that his own actions hadn’t exactly helped matters. She was still his sister though, even if she was going out with a complete idiot, and Ben did _try_ to get along with her despite what everyone else thought.

“You’re not the only one that’s had it tough Ben,” Sharon had sighed when he’d brought up how differently Phil treated them, “You never think about Lou living with crazy Lisa, do you? If your dad wants to spoil her a bit then let him; you’re old enough to take care of yourself.”

Even now Ben could remember how much his dad had gone on and on and on about finding Louise and bringing her to live with him. At first it had excited him having another sibling what with Ian being more like a father figure to him rather than a brother and even his niece and nephew were older than him so being the oldest for once had sounded fun. But then all the poisonous thoughts had started; drip-fed into him by someone that had clawed at all of Ben’s weakest points and twisted them to the point where Louise’s existence had sent him into a bit of tailspin. Then he’d overheard his gran and Roxy talking about how Phil had gone all the way to Portugal to get Louise when she was a baby, how he’d rescued her from a burning car and been desperate to be part of her life before Lisa had disappeared with her. There weren’t any stories like that about Phil trying to find Ben or even coming over to South Africa for a visit and the feeling that Phil would prefer this new sister over him and that he would end up cast out all over again had set in like rot.

Now suddenly he was meant to share the only parent he had left with some stranger, and Ben hadn’t taken it very well. Louise was a typical girlie girl and from the moment Phil had brought her home it was clear how much he adored her. Selfishly Ben had thought that this wouldn’t last and Louise would end up being treated the same way that Ben was; a complete disappointment. None of this happened though, and Ben had to watch from the sidelines whilst his sister was praised for all the things that he had previously gotten in trouble for such as singing and dancing. Getting bullied by his younger sister had been the icing on the cake but when Ben had retaliated in kind he got punished or screamed at by Phil that he was a wuss for letting a girl pick on him. Ultimately, the “happy family unit” didn’t last long once he’d been sent to juvie for battering Jordan and his gran took Louise home after Phil had slapped her, citing that children shouldn’t have to see that and she was safer with her mother. Louise was all grown up now, or at least she thought she was, and well on her way to becoming a proper Mitchell just like Ronnie and Roxy had been.

“Next time you send your latest conquest over to do your dirty work, maybe make sure _this one_ lasts longer than five minutes,” she told him with a smirk as she flicked her long hair away from her face, “Or better yet just get yourself on the game and stop wasting all these poor blokes time.”

“What?”

“You heard me!” Louise hissed giving Ben the chance to jam his hearing aid back in and picked up the tail end of her sentence, “You sent Callum over to come talk to me in the pub last night didn’t you?!”

What was she talking about?! Callum had no reason to even speak to Louise, let alone sit and have a drink with her and Ben told her as much but as usual she didn’t believe him and continued to rant about they’d both spoilt her evening with Keanu.

“ _And_ he upset Bex! Why do you and your stupid boyfriends always have to ruin everything?!”

Ben sighed tiredly; he didn’t have time for Louises histrionics after everything he’d just been through with Stuart and he sincerely doubted that Callum would have said anything rude to Bex. This was always how it started though, with Louise twisting every little thing that Ben did into something much worse and with his track record everyone always believed her. By noon tomorrow she’d have the whole square believing that Ben had set Callum up to say something spiteful to a vulnerable teenager all because he was sick and twisted and that’s how he got his kicks.

“Right, well if that’s all…” Ben trailed off as he brushed the gravel off his palms and onto his jeans and prayed that Louise would waddle off after their dad and leave him alone. Callum having a bust up with Lou was the least of his worries after all that had gone on last night and making sure that Callum was ok, regardless of what Stuart thought, was still his chief priority.

“No, that’s _not_ all,” Louise snapped evidently furious at being dismissed by someone as lowly as Ben, “If you don’t leave me and Keanu alone then I’ll tell Callum about all that _weird_ stuff you used to do as a kid; imagine what he’d think of you once he finds out that you burnt your baby sister with a teaspoon or locked her in a shed?!”

Ben felt all the colour drain out from his face; she wouldn’t… would she? Judging by the spiteful look on her face, yes, Louise would tell Callum about all the horrible things Ben used to do back when he was a messed up little kid. The skin on the inside of his wrist started to prickle again, bile rose up in the back of his throat causing him to sweat; he’d only ever done that to Louise because Ste… because that’s how _he_ had been taught that’s how punishments worked.

“I didn’t mean to,” Ben insisted, but Louise let out an unimpressed snort and even he was a little unsure if that statement was entirely true or not. What had happened back then still confused him because Ben had thought that what he was doing, and what was being done to him, was normal and was how everyone's family behaved. Louise had done something wrong, so he’d burnt her with a spoon as punishment except instead of being praised, Phil had punched him and screamed that he was _never_ to do that to his sister ever again. That’s when he’d understood that those types of punishments, or any type of punishment, were meant for Ben and Ben only. Nobody had stopped it happening to Ben because unlike Louise, Ben _deserved_ the burning and the hitting and being told how much of an awful child he was.

“Liar! It doesn’t matter anyway because whatever _twisted_ little game you’re playing it won’t work,” Louise told him primly, but Ben was at a loss to what he was supposed to have done now.

“Whatever,” he muttered; wishing that she would just leave him alone so he could figure out a way to break into Callum’s flat without Stuart noticing, “Believe what you want to believe Lou, but I’m not all that interested in what you get up too.”

“Oh, come off it; you’ve been trying to split us up for _ages_!” Louise snapped back at him as an ugly look spread across her face, “Ever since you got back and saw how much dad enjoys having Keanu around you’ve been trying to get rid of him!”

That wasn’t exactly a lie, Ben really _hated_ how Keanu kept being touted as the perfect son that Phil deserved, but he wasn’t about to let Louise know that she’d hit a sore point by bringing it up.

“I bet you _fancy_ him don’t you!” Louise carried on when that couldn’t be further from the truth and Ben balked at the idea of that idiot coming anywhere near him, “Well keep your grubby hands to yourself because he’s _mine_! And even if he _was_ gay he’d never go for a tramp like you!”

“It’s nothing like that!” he snapped back at her, unable to stop himself from taking the bait, “If dad-”

“Wait... you’re _jealous_ , aren’t you?! That’s it!” Louise jeered triumphantly as she took a step closer to him, “You’re _jealous_ that dad likes Keanu better than you and now once again poor little Ben is going to be pushed out when Dad and Sharon’s baby gets here. It’s time to grow up Ben! Nobody wants to listen to you dragging up the past all the time and blaming dad for everything. Have you ever thought that it’s _you_? That _you’re_ the reason dad can’t stand to be around you? You’re such a _weirdo_!”

Her words hit him like a slap in the face and the thoughts that Ben had swirling around inside his head like a maelstrom about his dad, Keanu and how _desperate_ he was to fit in with the rest of his family were all-consuming. Louise would never know what it was like for both your parents to abandon you when someone better came along; Lisa might be a mess, but she clearly loved Louise and fought Phil as hard as she could to get her back but Ben wasn’t so sure that he could say the same about Kathy.

“Do everyone a favour and take Lola and Lexi back to wherever it is you came from. It’s not like Callum is going to want to stick around now he’s seen what a piece of garbage you really are.”

With a flick of her long blonde hair, she turned on her heel and marched off towards the direction of the Vic without giving Ben so much as a backwards glance. Defeated, Ben slumped down behind one of the huge recycling bins in the ally next to the parlour and waited; his knees drawn up to his chest. His head felt very full after his altercation with Stuart, worrying about Callum and now with Louise bringing up all these unnecessary thoughts into his head. Huddling in on himself Ben wished more than ever for the cosy warmth of Callum’s flat but it was unlikely he would be allowed back in anytime soon so he stayed put; it’s not like he had anywhere else to go. Ian was probably still cross with him about what he’d said to their mum and Phil hadn’t exactly rolled out the red carpet for him since he’d found out about Ben’s little scheme to bleed him dry. It was a sad realisation that he’d spent longer in his prison cell than he had in any of the places he’d lived in Walford and as a result number fifty-five had never really felt like home to him.

There was a baby picture of him up on the sideboard, his old school picture from when he was about ten and then the group one from Phil and Sharons wedding but it had always felt like they were there for show rather than the “happy” memories. It was Denny’s football trophies and sports certificates or Lou’s exam results that littered the Mitchell residence and not anything that Ben had accomplished, not that he had ever done anything worthy of recognition. Ian’s house was much the same which Ben couldn’t really blame him for as he had his own family to look after, but that didn’t stop him feeling like the odd one out in both his families. He wasn’t “Mitchell” enough to be a Mitchell and Ben was pretty certain that Ian didn’t want him tarnishing the Beale legacy so that had left him to make his own little family unit with Lexi, Lola and Jay. Including Callum in that family felt a little pre-mature, especially after last night’s events, but Ben would be lying if he hadn’t daydreamed about the two of them moving in together in the future and maybe getting a pet. Despite him only being in Ben’s life for a relatively small amount of time, Callum already felt like home but, as Ben constantly reminded himself, that’s exactly how being with Paul used to feel and look what happened there.

Feeling miserable, Ben picked at the mark on his wrist for a while until a loud clanging sound caught his attention and he peered out from behind the bin to see Stuart strutting down the road. Scrambling up onto his feet, Ben seized his chance and ran for the rapidly closing door and quickly slipped into the parlour. He hadn’t noticed how dark it had gotten when he was sitting outside, he must have been there a long time, and Ben stumbled his way through the darkened parlour hallway but when he tried the door leading up to the flat, he found that it was locked. In a desperate move Ben sprinted towards Jay’s office for the spare set but unable to see where he was going, he tripped over something in the dark and almost ended up falling headfirst into one of the display coffins. Panicking, Ben scrambled away from the perfectly polished wooden casket and desperately tried to find a light switch before he fell over anything else. Years ago, Ian had taken him to pick out a coffin for their mum and Ben remembered looking at a bunch of wooden monstrosities for hours with no real understanding of what a funeral even was. There had been one with some pretty carved flowers on it he’d thought was quite nice, Kathy had always loved having fresh flowers in their house, but Ian hadn’t remembered his mum liking flowers when she lived in Walford and wanted a less expensive one. In the end he’d just agreed to whatever Ian wanted and hoped that his mum would like it; not knowing that she was never even in the coffin to begin with. Having seen too many of them in real life, Ben always avoided looking at all the empty caskets whenever he came round to see Callum and being stuck in a dark room with them was making Ben’s imagination go into overdrive as he stumbled about trying to get away from them. He’d had nightmares for _years_ after his mum had “died” that they’d accidentally buried Kathy alive and would hear her screaming for him and begging to be let out as her fingernails scratched desperately on the wood…

“WHOSE THERE?! SHOW YOURSELF; I’M ARMED!!”

Light flooded the parlour and Ben leapt about a foot away from the empty coffin as Callum appeared in the doorway brandishing a floor mop; dressed only in his sleep shirt and underwear. It only took him a moment to spot Ben cowering in the corner, not a criminal mastermind about to rob him, and he dropped his weapon with a loud clatter and let out a loud noise of relief.

“Ben!” he gasped as he clutched his pounding chest, “I thought you were a burglar; I could have killed you!”

Ben wasn’t entirely sure what damage a plastic mop was going to do to him unless Callum had planned to mop him to death, and he stood there awkwardly not knowing if he was about to get tossed out into the street or shouted at that Callum never wanted to see him again. Up close, Callum looked like an absolute mess; his hair was rumpled and sticking up all over the place, his face unshaven, his eyes bloodshot and tear tracks stained his cheeks. Something tightened in Ben’s chest as he took in the look of shame that crossed Callum’s face when his eyes fell on his boyfriend’s bruised cheek.

“Ben…” he whispered as his eyes filled to the brim with tears, “I-”

Without waiting for him to finish, Ben launched himself at Callum’s chest and clung onto to him as tightly as he could to prevent himself being thrown out again. Above him Callum was telling him repeatedly how sorry he was, that he hadn’t meant to hurt him and how he would understand if Ben wanted to break up with him, but Ben shut his eyes tight to block it all out.

“It doesn’t matter Callum,” he mumbled against the warmth of the other man’s chest, “Just forget about it.”

Unfortunately Callum didn’t seem to feel the same way, and he kept going on and on and on about how it was fine if Ben wanted to take time to think things over or if he never wanted to see him again which caused Bens stomach to flip over in panic.

“You were having a bad dream about the army,” he interrupted just as Callum started talking about patterns of abuse in families or some rubbish, “The one about the mum and her kid… You kept shouting so I tried to wake you up but I must have frighted you or something. I shouldn’t have woken you up so roughly so It’s not your fault, Cal; you didn’t mean to hit me!”

Mentioning the mother that Callum hadn’t been able to save was a low blow but Ben had only done it to shut him up and thankfully it worked; allowing Ben to recount the rest of the night and that his bruised cheek resulted from an unfortunate accident and that Callum was silly to think that he was turning into a carbon copy of his dad. 

“It ain’t your fault either Ben!” Callum snapped even going so far as to peel Ben off him and hold him out at arms length like a child, “I get that I was asleep and I didn’t do it on purpose but that doesn’t mean you deserved to get punched! You understand that don’t you?”

Ben nodded; not really caring that Callum was wrong and that if Ben had handled things better than they wouldn’t even be standing here having this conversation. To push this point home, he told Callum that no, his face didn’t hurt that much and that yes, he would tell Callum if he wanted to take a break or have some space. This seemed to appease Callum slightly, and Ben could tell he was winning him over when he got pulled in close for a proper cuddle.

“Lets got to bed,” he insisted just as Callum was beginning to look forlornly at his cheek once again, “Come on, it’s cold down here.”

As they made their way up the stairs there had been talk about having a proper discussion about last nights “incident” but Ben had been too busy pulling Callum into the warmth of the flat to listen. As far as he was concerned it was done with and once his bruise faded, they could forget about the whole thing. In fact, Ben was feeling pretty brilliant about how he’d handled everything since he’d snuck back into the parlour and with every second he spent back in Callum’s company he felt even more euphoric. It was almost amusing how shit he’d felt about himself when talking to Louise, Stuart and the rest of his family and he ended up talking a mile a minute about all the things he wanted him and Callum to do tomorrow. The flat needed cleaning so they could start with that and then go to the cinema or the playground with Lexi, or the beach, or even dress up and go to one of those fancy bars in the West End. Callum kept telling him to slow down, that he was talking too fast, which Ben figured must be because he was tired so he pushed his boyfriend towards the bedroom. Buzzing, Ben set about getting undressed and switched his contacts for his glasses whilst Callum pulled the covers back for him and fluffed up the pillows for him. The bed was warm and soft when he got in it and Ben waited expectantly for Callum to join him only to find his boyfriend remained stood at the edge of the bed looking sadly at him.

“Come on Callum,” Ben said, trying to keep the hint of uncertainty out of his voice as he patted the space next to him, “It’s cold.”

“I’ll sleep on the sofa,” Callum told him and the high that Ben had been running on evaporated in almost an instant, leaving him feeling absolutely crushed. His brain was already going into overdrive from thinking that in the short walk from the parlour up to the flat that he’d done something else wrong; why didn’t Callum want him anymore?

“Callum don’t be silly!” he said desperately as he made a move to get out of bed only for Callum to pull the blankets up around him and effectively trapping him.

“I don’t want to hurt you again,” Callum said and he looked far too miserable than he had any right to be, “It’ll only be for one night… just till I’ve got my head sorted.”

“Callum stop being stupid; you ain’t gonna hurt me!”

“I’ll see you in the morning, yeah? Then we can have a proper talk,” Callum replied as he quickly gathered up his pillow and exited the bedroom before Ben could do or say anything else.

Laying there alone in the darkness, Ben’s head felt like it was going to explode; he thought he’d fixed everything… _Of course you didn’t, you idiot! How could you ever make anything better? Stuart, Louise, Kathy… they were all right… you just make everything worse._ Rolling over, Ben tried to block out the all nasty thoughts by shoving his face into his pillow but it did little to stop his mood from sinking lower and lower into darkness. After ten minutes of laying there, Ben couldn’t take it anymore and padded out to the living room to find Callum stretched out on the sofa. He wasn’t asleep either and didn’t look too surprised to see Ben creeping towards him in the darkness.

“Come to bed,” Ben demanded as he tugged on Callum’s foot to try to get him to move, “ _Please_.”

“Ben,” Callum sighed halfheartedly even as Ben gave up trying to drag him off the couch and wedged himself in next to him instead, “Go back to bed.”

Sitting up, Callum attempted to peel Ben off to make him go back into the bedroom but Ben clung on; refusing to move and ended up half sat in Callum’s lap with his arms slung around his neck. Callum gave up trying to shift him and they sat entwined together for a moment or two and it relieved Ben to find that Callum was holding onto him just as tightly.

"You’re _nothing_ like your dad Callum,” Ben told Callum as he stroked his hair because he knew that’s what was going ground and round in his boyfriends head, “You’re kind, sweet and gentle and I know you’d _never_ hurt me, not even if was being a right git and deserved it.”

This earned him a small chuckle, and the knot in Ben’s stomach lessened somewhat as he scratched Callum’s scalp the way he knew he liked. A soft sigh escaped his boyfriend’s lips so Ben slipped into Callum’s lap like a cat, moved his other hand to the side of Callum’s face and then they were kissing; lips pressing frantically together. The buzz Ben had felt from earlier on hit again as he deepened the kiss and tried not to think about how desperate he sounded. Pushing Callum back against the sofa Ben straddled him properly, his body fizzing with tension, but when his hands went to Callum’s crotch, Callum grabbed hold of his hands to stop him.

“Ben,” said Callum as he halfheartedly tried to push Ben’s hand away, “Don’t.”

Ignoring him, Ben pulled himself free; dipping his hand inside the waistband of Callum’s underwear before he could stop him to touch the hot, hard flesh of his cock. Sex always made Ben feel better, or more accurately, it served as a great distraction for when he was trying to forget something awful he’d done or was feeling particularly self loathing so Ben wriggled down to settle on the floor between Callum’s legs. Callum was still trying to stop him but Ben pushed his hands aside and quickly tugged his underwear down; not in the least bit surprised when Callum’s already half hard dick sprang out. In barely anytime at all he’d rubbed Callum to full hardness and Ben was pretty pleased that the electric high from earlier was back as he glanced up at a mesmerised Callum.

“Do you want my mouth?” he asked coyly and without waiting for an answer Ben stuck his tongue out; gently swiping over the head of Callum’s cock like a cat.

“Wait… you don’t have to… _ohhh_ ”

Callum would probably be a bit cross with him if he found out that Ben was using oral sex to make him feel better about punching him, but he figured what Callum didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Often with his one-night stands the line between pleasure and validation got blurred, and more often than not they would leave Ben feeling grubby and quietly ashamed of himself. Post Park Bench they’d been on a night out when Ruby had got a bit drunk and kept asking Ben how many men he’d slept with, which one had the biggest dick and to spill the details about the threesome he’d had last weekend. She was only doing it to have a laugh but then everyone else started joining in by saying that Ben would sleep with anything as long as it stood still long enough and that he should charge admission with the amount of blokes that came in and out of Ian’s house. This was all said right in front of an unamused Callum and had left Ben feeling a bit shit about himself and thinking that everyone was right; he really was a bit of a slag. At the time he’d joked along with them but seeing Callum stony faced and clinging to Whitney’s hand as if their night together hadn’t even happened had stung, so he’d made up an excuse to leave and picked up some random bloke or two for the night. Later, Callum had confessed that he’d acted up because he’d been jealous and miserable and felt like he could never measure up to any of Ben’s previous partners.

“I thought you’d think I was rubbish after that first night,” Callum told him sheepishly when they were laying in bed together once, “What with me never having been with a bloke before.”

Callum having less experience wasn’t something that Ben had ever really thought about and if he was honest, sometimes he wished that he could turn back the clock and not have offered himself up so easily to everyone that asked. The confusing bit was that he did genuinely enjoy sex but sometimes the lines got a little blurry and Ben ended up doing things he didn’t want to do in order to please people. It had never been like that with Callum though, and Ben took Callum deeper into his mouth; pleased with himself when Callum let out a satisfied moan. Over the years Ben had become an expert at the Three Points of Blowjob Perfection: mostly slow, medium speed at most and go deep and Callum was putty in his hands, or rather mouth, and before long his hand gripped the back of Ben’s head as he cried out.

“Sorry,” he panted as if Ben hadn’t been on the receiving end of an overly excited partner before, “Sorry… I thought… I thought I could last a bit longer… _ohhh!_ ”

Ben cradled his balls and took him even deeper into his throat until Callum was well and truly spent; releasing him with a wet pop of his lips.

“Will you come to bed now?” he asked as he carefully tucked a still panting Callum back into his trousers, “Please?”

Callum nodded but when they got back to the bedroom, he eagerly began hunting around in his bedside draw for something instead of getting back into bed with Ben. Fearing Callum was about to ditch him again, Ben chewed his fingers nervously, until Callum reappeared brandishing a small bottle of lube and, surprisingly, the non-threatening looking dildo that Ben had brought him once he realised just how much of a sex toy novice Callum was. Adorably, Callum didn’t have a clue about _anything_ and had no idea what to do with a dildo when Ben had first presented it to him in a neatly wrapped gift box but he’d quickly caught on once Ben had described just how _fun_ much a lump of purple plastic could be.

“I won’t be able to, _you know_ ,” Callum told him, blushing slightly as he waved the dildo around enthusiastically, “After you did _that_ , but if you want I could…”

He stood there shyly and Ben wasn’t exactly going to refuse being fucked in the ass by his boyfriend so he quickly shimmied out of his pants and spread his legs; Callum eagerly jumping on the bed next to him. The blowjob had been to make Callum feel better and Ben hadn’t been expecting anything in return but Callum was already making good use of the lube so he settled back against the pillows and closed his eyes. 

"Promise you’ll tell me if it doesn’t feel good,” Callum asked him; pausing his movements until he got a firm nod from Ben.

The lube was cold and the toy hurt a little going in but Callum was gentle, taking his time, and before long Ben was biting his bottom lip as his hands slid up to grip the pillow underneath his head. A rush of absolute _euphoria_ hit him, dancing about his body and Ben let out a loud moan when Callum started to fuck him with the toy.

“Is this ok?” Callum murmured as he pushed the dildo in deeper; brushing against Ben’s prostate as he did so. Ben’s mind was racing again and full of half finished thoughts that seemed to swim from how good he felt at that exact moment to all the things he wanted to do with Callum and back to earlier on when he’d been on his knees with Callum’s cock in his mouth.

“Yeah… yeah…,” he grunted, causing Callum to get overexcited and get a bit clumsy with his movements, “Don’t… stop…”

Luke had slapped him round the face when he found Ben’s old toy stashed in his bottom drawer at the flat he used to share with Jay; thinking that it meant Ben somehow found him inadequate. He’d tried to explain that it wasn’t any different to him having a wank, but that had just riled Luke up even further and he demanded that Ben show him what he found so enjoyable. It was awkward and humiliating and when Luke took over, determined to show Ben how much better he was than a lump of plastic, it wasn’t exactly enjoyable either. Afterwards Luke had told him to get rid of it and called him a “manipulative little slut” when Ben tried to explain that he couldn’t just throw a used dildo away in the communal rubbish. They’d had an awful row after and Ben had thought that perhaps he was being a bit selfish keeping the dildo when he had Luke and ended up throwing it away after all. Once he’d split with Luke, Ben had replenished his sex toy collection but kept them hidden for personal use only or for any particularly adventurous one-night stands. Ironically, Callum had been the one to find his newest addition, an eight and a half inch powerhouse called King Cock, when he’d been rummaging in Bens draws looking for something to sleep in.

“What’s this? A sock holder?” he’d asked when he pulled it out to show Ben what he’d found and almost melted with embarrassment when Ben explained what it actually was.

Due to his past experiences, Ben been a bit nervous introducing sex toys to Callum but once he’d gotten over his initial embarrassment Callum had been very keen to play and they, along with King Cock, had already had a few memorable evenings together. Tonight was no exception and before long Ben’s back arched upwards as he thrust back hard against Callum’s hand. A quick learner, Callum twisted his wrist the way Ben had taught him, which had Ben begging for more as the thick ridges of the toy sent ripples of pleasure throughout his entire body.

“ _Fuckfuckfuck_ ,” Ben chanted, and whatever weirdness he had felt during the day was being washed away and being replaced by a heightened sense of absolute bliss. Callum was talking to him now; telling him how good he looked taking the toy, how he couldn’t wait to watch him cum and Ben lay there basking in the glow of good sex and being told how pretty he was. All too soon he could feel the heat pooling in his stomach, his toes curling up, despite Callum having not yet having got the hang of sucking him off and using the dildo at the same time. His movements were clumsy and he gagged more than once despite Ben trying to stop his hips from jerking upwards too much, nor would he switch to his hand even when told it was fine to do so. 

“Cal…” Ben moaned and in the end his orgasm was sloppy and more than a little messy, but as he lay there panting and completely spent, Ben wouldn’t have had it any other way.

“Do you want some coco?” Callum asked once he’d cleaned them both up; rubbing his nose against Bens and then smothering him with kisses when he got a nod of agreement. Stretching, it was a relief to feel back to normal now that they’d made up and Callum wasn’t being ridiculous about accidentally hitting him anymore. In fact, Ben would go as far as to say he was feeling better than he had in weeks and he rolled off the bed humming happily to himself as he cleaned himself up a bit more before throwing his dressing gown on and following Callum out into the kitchen.

“Make a right pair don’t we?” Callum laughed as he handed Ben his cup of coco and gestured for him to come and sit next to him on the sofa; pulling the throw off so Ben could snuggle in next to him.

“What do you mean?”

“Well…,” Callum said a little too carefully and Ben eyed him warily as he blew the steam off his drink, “Me with my army stuff keeping me up and you with those bad dreams you keep having.”

Oh.

They were _supposed_ to be done with this. They were _supposed_ to have forgotten about the whole silly incident and Ben was _supposed_ to have made everything ok but obviously he was too stupid and incapable of getting even that right. His skin prickled with anxiety once again because Callum was clearly keen to carry on with their earlier conversation, and he apologised once again for thumping Ben; tenderly stroking his injured cheek. 

“You sure it don’t hurt?” he asked, sounding slightly fearful of the answer, so Ben assured him it didn’t but his body was doing that weird numb thing again so he wasn’t entirely sure that that was true. As Callum carried on talking Ben felt of elation he’d had felt only a few moments ago rapidly begin to evaporate and it left him with the odd sensation that he was listening to all this from outside of his body; cold and unfeeling. The coco was still steaming hot so Ben dipped his tongue into the chocolaty heat in an attempt to get some sensation back but even it only caused a dull throbbing across his mouth. Meanwhile, Callum was telling him about previous times when he’d had the “wobbles” as he called it back when he was with Whitney and how he’d never really felt comfortable opening up to her.

“I don’t think I ever would have said anything if it weren’t for you,” Callum explained as he patted Ben’s knee fondly, who was listening with rapt attention, “The army stuff.. the dreams about… about that mum and her kid… It’s been a lot better since I moved to Walford and _you_ help a lot,”

“Do I?” Ben asked in surprise to which Callum gave a soft a chuckle and he rather hoped that they could stick to talking about _Callum’s_ sleep issues and not have to delve back into what was keeping Ben up at night. 

“Course you do,” he said with a smile but Ben couldn’t help but feel like he was making it up because he’d been reliably informed that helping other people wasn’t something he was all that good at, “Besides; what’s keeping me up is just as important as what’s keeping you up.”

Great; they were back to that again.

“But _I_ wasn’t in the Army Callum and _I_ don’t have PTSD,” Ben told him with a bite of frustration, only to feel guilty when Callum flinched slightly at the mention of PTSD. Neither of them had ever given it a name before but thanks to all the stories he’d heard about his Uncle Grant after he’d come back from the Falklands, Ben was pretty certain that’s what Callum had.

“Well, no… But it might help for you to talk to someone…”

“About what?”

“You know… _things_.”

Callum was kind enough not to mention Ben’s multiple arrests, that he’d bailed out on Lexi when she was just a baby and all the other awful things he’d done over the years, so Ben decided to fill in the blanks for him.

“You mean like how I’m a terrible person?” he offered only for Callum to roll his eyes and let out a slightly frustrated huff.

“You’re _not_ a terrible person Ben,” he insisted and Ben smiled sadly because Callum really didn’t know the half of all the shit he’d pulled over the years and if he _did_ , then he more than likely wouldn’t be sitting here with Ben right now.

“You wouldn’t say that if I dangled _you_ off a bridge,” Ben muttered; spite creeping into voice in his determination push Callum away and stop him from digging too deep into the painful bits that he’d tried to keep buried.

“Now you’re just deflecting and trying to make me cross so I won’t ask any more questions,” Callum told him rather pointedly, causing Ben to flush a little that he’d been caught out. That still didn’t mean he had any right to equate his own poor decisions to what Callum had been through over in Afghanistan, and he told Callum as much.

“I wasn’t in the Army Callum,” he reiterated to make certain that Callum understood the vast differences between their two situations, “What would I have to talk to anyone about?”

Inexplicably, Callum smiled sadly at his words, leaving Ben feeling confused when the other man picked up his hands and enveloped them with his substantially larger ones; warming them between his long fingers. It was nice sitting there in the peace and quiet, but Ben couldn’t stop the feeling of unease creeping underneath his skin the longer they sat there. He was about to pull away, to make a dumb joke or say something that would get Callum’s back up so he would stop pushing, but unfortunately Callum got there first.

“Having to move to a different country, your mum not being around and then your dad being drunk all the time,” he explained gently as if Ben didn’t already know how fucked up his childhood was and he started sweating because he _really_ didn’t want to be talking about this right now, “That’s a lot to deal with darlin’.”

“Mmmmm,” was all Ben trusted himself to say, but it was like a knife in the gut to see the slight look of frustration that flittered across Callum’s face. When he’d first opened up about his life pre-Walford, Callum had practically word vomited all over Ben, relieved that he’d finally found someone that understood him, but Ben had always been a little more cautious in what he shared. Every time Callum would hit on something that was too raw or too painful for him to discuss, he would either change the subject or give the most basic response he could come up with. Initially, it had worked but then Callum was always keen to know more, for Ben to open even further and Ben was stuck between either lying or giving vague details that made little sense.

“I tell you everything,” Callum continued with a sigh; pulling his hands away from Ben’s, who immediately went cold at the loss of warmth to run his hands through his hair like he did when he got annoyed about something, “I feel like you don’t trust me.”

“I…” Ben began, but whatever he was going to say got stuck in his throat and he ended up sat there in silence whilst Callum waited patiently. His sexuality he was fine talking about, it was all the rest that he had no idea how to articulate without Callum thinking that he was some sort of head case that needed to be locked away in a padded cell.

“It’s fine,” Callum said shortly when he realised that he wasn’t going to get anything else out of Ben, “I shouldn’t be pushing to talk about stuff you don’t want to.”

He pulled away; disappointed that yet again Ben was unwilling to share stuff with him when he himself had opened up so much. Callum had been through so much and yet he still had it in him to bare his soul and be honest with Ben about what he’d been through despite getting very little in return. Of course Ben listened and offered what he hoped was helpful advice and comfort, but he couldn’t understand why Callum always needed him to reciprocate. The spiteful part of his brain always told him that whatever he told Callum about prison or his childhood would be blabbed to half the square or twisted around and thrown back in his face at a later date. He _hated_ himself for thinking Callum would do that, but whenever he mustered up the courage to say something Stuart would always appear or make a comment that had Ben second guessing himself. Stuart wasn’t here now though, so Ben tried to fix the situation.

“It started in prison,” he blurted out, “The not sleeping and the bad dreams.”

It wasn’t exactly true, but it was enough for Callum because now he was beaming at Ben who was feeling like he was going to throw up. Waiting anxiously, he tried to gauge Callum’s response as this would usually be the bit where he messed up and trusted someone that he shouldn’t but Callum had already launched into a bunch of questions; did Ben want to sleep with the light on? Was there anything Callum could do to make it better? What were the dreams about? Had he thought about seeing a doctor? Had he tried one of those white noise machines?

_Please stop talking_ Ben silently begged, and it was only when Callum started rubbing his back that Ben realised how tense he was; his entire body felt like a coiled spring.

“You know you can talk to me about prison, don’t you?” Callum said hesitantly whilst Ben’s stomach churned over uncomfortably, “Only if you want to though.”

No, Ben didn’t want to. Any mention of prison was just going to serve as a reminder to Callum that he was currently sleeping with a convicted killer. Besides, prison was a punishment; so what if it had been awful and horrible and scary? Ben deserved it after what he’d done

“I’m fine,” Ben said shortly, and he turned away so he wouldn’t have to see the undoubtedly disappointed expression on Callum’s face again.

“Let’s go to bed,” Callum whispered; pulling Ben up by the hand and leading him back into the bedroom. Before long they were tucked back up in bed together and Ben liked it when they did stuff like this, just laying together. Tiredness hit him like a ten ton truck and it felt only seconds had passed before his eyes were fluttering shut and the last thing he remembered before he dozed off was Callum tenderly kissing his forehead. Sleep, as ever, was once again unattainable for Ben and it felt like in no time at all he jolted awake to an empty bed and the sound of Callum and Stuart whispering to each other in the kitchen.

_“.... was just looking out for you bruv...”_

_“I can look out for myself!”_

_“You won’t even let me tell you what I found out... that woman he killed, she was-”_

Ben’s entire body went rigid; who had Stuart been talking to and what had they told him??

_“Shut up!!”_

There was some more low-level bickering over which Ben couldn’t make out Callum was creeping back into bed and he quickly pretended to be asleep. Callum cuddling him again and kissing the top of his head, but before long he emitted a loud snoring sound that signalled he’d fallen asleep again. Hearing Stuart and Callum talking about him, about what he’d _done_ , made Ben’s brain feel like it was both too full and too empty all at the same time. Then everything went blank, like he’d was a tv that had been left on standby, and he dug his nails into his arm just to ease some tension. It wasn’t enough, and Ben waited until he was certain that Callum had fallen back to sleep until he peeled the blanket back and crept out into the kitchen. The kettle was half full when he flicked the switch on and a stillness descended over the flat to when Ben pulled a teaspoon out of the drawer and swirled it around the scalding water; his skin burning with relief as he pressed the hot metal against his wrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a Christmas miracle... I updated!! Hope you're all staying safe and I'm giving a virtual hug to anyone thats spending Christmas alone. xxx

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Just FYI this is going to be a LONG story which covers some quite heavy topics but I'll be posting trigger warnings for any chapters that need it. :)


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